New Adventure
🎵ムーンライト - Hoshimachi Suisei
It's crazy when you think about it. I had my life planned out for the most part. We were married at 22 & 23 -- we were going to build a life together and start a family. I had a general idea of what my future was going to look like -- and it was to grow old together with you.
And as time went by, I took it for granted; took you for granted -- that you would always be there. I trusted you -- that you would always be mine. And I was arrogant about that. ごめん。Had it not been for my arrogance, perhaps it would have been so very different.
Perhaps I would have treated you better. Loved you better. Cherished you more. But alas -- I didn't even know what love was. How ironic that now that I do, I can say that I love you more now that I have ever before, even if you're already gone.
What was once so confidently known has produced in me such complacency, in such that I was forced to lose what I thought was everything in order to truly gain everything that matters.
Your actions shattered me, and I was left broken -- more than you possibly have ever felt before. Was this revenge? Or just desserts for how I treated you over fifteen years ago? I doubt it -- that's just a line from the accuser. But I will say -- do you even know the kind of pain that your actions caused me? Have you ever been betrayed the way you betrayed me? Imagination doesn't even come close to the actual truth of seeing you with someone else. The funny thing is -- of course I called it. Of course I suspected it.
And yet... you know not what you do. And he knew not what he did. Ah -- the power of God's mercy and compassion -- how I long for you both to feel it. 本当に。
あのねー 僕は大丈夫。Throughout this ridiculously tumultuous emotional season -- I've been focusing on developing my interests; working on things that I've been wanting to do for years -- learning Japanese, going to the gym and focusing on eating healthier, and giving myself more time to work on our my business. But most importantly, I'm further deepening my relationship with the one who matters most -- our Creator, Jesus Christ. あのね, He was the one who picked up all the shattered pieces of my heart, and pieced them back together again.
This past year and a half has truly been a walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I lost count of how many times I felt the sharpness of the broken shards in my chest tearing into me. Tears streaming down my face, clutching my chest, and crying out to the Lord, "Why? どうして？ いたいよ！ 苦し。。。It's so painful!" And every time I would feel Him say, "I know... But you're okay. I've got you. Don't stay here; come on. You have to keep moving. I'm not done with you yet. This, too, shall pass." And every time, with His everlasting patience, He would pick me up, piece the shards of my heart together with the glue of His love, and help me through this darkened valley. あのさ, He can do the same for you. Words cannot even describe the unexplainable peace and joy that I've experienced through Him in what I call, "the most painful emotional experience of my entire life."
I had sight for my future -- a direction and idea of where we would be. Eventually successful, with kids as a family. 「We could've been a family just wasting time; you and me...」 was a song lyric that struck me harder than ever before. But the second portion goes, 「But at what price?」
...
I'm completely clueless now. My future is shrouded in uncertainty. I'm thirty-one, separated -- potentially facing divorce. This definitely wasn't what I had in mind. I wanted a wonderful marriage by now. I wanted kids by now. But perhaps... this truly was for the best.
Though my future is shrouded in mystery, I'm finally starting to grow up, little by little. Jesus broke my chains of addiction and He's now forming me into the man He created me to be. The unknown is terrifying -- but you know who else faces the unknown? Adventurers. Perhaps this next chapter in my life will finally be the "adventure" I've always dreamed of. But, though uncertainty is scary, I have nothing to fear; I will be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord my God is with me where I go. I'll embark on this adventure -- and with the Lord as my party leader, whom shall I fear?