You Put Your Arms Around Me, And Iâm Home.
Iâm one of the ones not currently mad at Hailey for âlyingâ to Jay and empathize with her need to not talk about it right now.
That being said, this is how I PERSONALLY wish 8x04 had ended.
Warning: upstead cuteness, involves domestic abuse. If this is a touchy subject for you then I will advise you not to read it. Happy reading everyone!
Soon as the knock came at her door, Hailey didnât need to check the peephole. She knew it was gonna be her boyfriend on the other side.
That was their thing. She had a heavy day, both personally and professionally. And Jay was gonna come by to check on her, no matter how many times she claimed to be âfineâ.
âHey.â She smiled, letting him step inside her place. That smile was different now. This was definitely not the first time she was greeting him at her front door, but that smile said so many unspoken things it didnât before they got together.
âHey.â Jay returned, crossing the threshold. âBeer?â Hailey looked at him and asked, as she closed the door.
Sheâd never admit it out loud, but she much preferred being in Jayâs company than being alone with her thoughts, especially on heavier days like today was.
âYeah, sure.â Jay smiled, the two of them moving towards the kitchen. Hailey opened up the fridge and pulled out a second beer, leaving it on the counter top beside the one sheâd just started.
âSo, howâd it go?â Jay asked her, depositing his jacket on the back of the couch. The last they spoke, she was on her way out to head over to MED to check on her dad.
Knowing how much of a toll all of this had taken on her the last few days, he hoped heâd get a little more of an expanded answer than âit went well.â
âUhâŚâ Hailey trailed off, searching for her words. She even contemplated fibbing for a second, in an attempt to be done with the topic that much faster.
Tears immediately welled up in her eyes as she looked back at him. âIâm sorry, JayâŚâ She cried, immediately making worry wash over him.
This wasnât her. Hailey Upton didnât cry in front of anyone, let alone a guy. But something felt different with Jay. She didnât feel the need to put on a brave face or wait till he was gone to let her façade crack.
âI just couldnât do itâŚâ A sob escaped her. âNo, HaileyâŚâ Jay stepped up to her and wrapped his arms around her back, their beers now totally ignored for the moment.
Jay took her by the hand, leading them over to the couch. He sat down against the arm, bringing his girlfriend down into his arms.
Hailey leaned against his chest, her arms around his neck and her head in the crook of it.
Hailey broke down in his arms, finally letting the floodgates fly open and release everything sheâd kept in all day, that she fought back at the hospital and kept pressed down until he got here.
Finally being allowed for the first time in her life to feel something and have someone hold her while she did.
âBut you did go.â Jay guessed. To which Hailey nodded her head in confirmation. âI justâŚâ Another sob escaped her. âI saw him there. In the room⌠I havenât seen him in⌠forever. But everything just came back in a single second⌠and I almost broke down right then and there.
The walls started closing in, my throat got real tight, tears I was pushinâ back were blurring my visionâŚâ Hailey went on.
âYou drove during a panic attack?â Jay worried all over again, as if she wasnât currently safely locked in his arms. âHails, one phone call and I wouldâve been there to bring you home.â She shook her head.
âI didnât wanna disappoint you.â Hailey cried, crushing his heart. âBaby noâŚâ He dropped, squeezing her tighter, if it were possible.
He pressed a kiss against her crown, breathing in that intoxicating vanilla scent. âI didnât mean to tell you what to do, Hails. And Iâm so sorry I dumped what happened with my dad onto you. That wasnât my place, that wasnât fair or appropriate.
Your thing with your dad⌠that is so far from what my situation was with mine. And I know itâs not as simple as just walkinâ into a room and goinâ to see him.â Jay assured her.
âI⌠I canât forgive him.â Hailey cried. âThatâs okayâŚâ Jay breathed calmly against her head, gently rocking her.
Another sob escaped the blonde. âI took one look into that room⌠saw him sitting thereâŚâ She tried, despite her choppy breathing.
âI was back in my childhood bedroom, door shut, hoping the chair would keep it closed. I just sat up against the bed, hands on my ears⌠Crying so hard I couldnât hear anything around me and it just scared me more.â Hailey let it all out.
Jay rocked her slowly in his arms, holding her tight. âShh⌠itâs okayâŚ.â He breathed into her hair.
That alone held the promise to make her crumble. Being safe for the first time in her life and truly letting go, allowing someone else to hold her up.
âDonât ever leave me, Jay, please.â Hailey begged him, breaking his heart. âIâll never survive losing you too.â She wailed.
Jay leaned his head against hers and felt his own eyes go damp. âIâm never leavinâ you, Hails. I promise you that.â He told her straight.
This poor shattered little girl disguised as his partner. Shaking like a leaf in his arms and finally letting go for the first in her life.
When she finally started to come down, Jay heard another sniffle against his neck. âI know my mom wants me to forgive him⌠But I canâtâŚâ Hailey went on.
âHails. What your dad did to you, and to your brothers, and to your mom⌠itâs unforgiveable. And nobodyâs gonna blame you for not being able to forgive and forget what he put you through.
But did you ever think to forgive yourself?â Her head snapped up at that, looking at him with her stormy orbs, a couple of dry sobs coming up her throat.
He could tell by the look in her eye that Hailey didnât have the feintest what he was talking about. Jayâs hand came up her sweater, rubbing her back in soft, slow circles, the way heâd learned she loved the first time she woke up in his arms.
Jayâs other hand reached out, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear.
âYouâre a protector of the people. You face a victim, learn their story and make it your mission to bring them justice, and you donât stop until you do.
Except for the one victim you never could.â Her head dropped again, getting now where he was going with this.
âThat little girl inside of you that grew up afraid of her own shadow. Who walked on eggshells, afraid of something, anything she said or did setting off the monster inside of her father.â Her lip quivered as Jay went on, and he knew he was treading on sensitive territory.
If he pushed her too hard, he wasnât sure what her reaction would be. Given the way she snapped at him yesterday when he pulled that stunt in interrogation and then brought up her father... This could end badly real fast.
But that look in her eye he kept seeing come up. The same one that appeared every time they crossed a victim with a case that hit too close to home for her.
Seeing her in so much pain⌠He couldnât stand it.
âThat little girl who didnât have anybody to protect her, who had to put on a brave face everywhere she went and pretend like everything was fine.
Like you told me a year ago. You wished, and hoped and prayed somebody would come in there and just put him in his place.
And youâve never forgiven yourself for not being able to do it, for not being able to stand up to him, and get him away from your mom and your brothers.â A long, slow tear ran down her cheek, making her eyes burn with those she hadnât yet shed.
Jayâs hand ran through her hair, finally seeing that wall crack. âBut you were a little kid, Hails. It wasnât up to you to put down the monster.
You were the one who was supposed to be protected, and cared for. You gotta let go of this guilt, babe. Itâs not on you.
Let that little girl be free. Itâs time to forgive yourself, Hails.â The second he stopped, Hailey finally broke.
Two loud sobs came out of her, making her body convulse. Her sweater-covered hand came up to cover her mouth, tears now streaming down her now red cheeks.
Jay caught her as she fell in his arms. His hand around the back of her head, shielding her from the world. The other arm wrapped snuggly around her waist, holding her into him.
He didnât dare say a single word more. And he didnât need to either. This was all she needed.
Hailey lost control of her body. The more she cried, the harder it was to stop. But the more she cried, the more it also felt so good and so freeing.
Jay dropped his mouth to her crown, nuzzling his head against hers and letting her go as she needed.
âIâve got you, Hails.â
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