headlights — noah sebastian
noah sebastian x gender neutral reader 18+ MDNI
warnings: alcohol, drinking while driving (I DO NOT CONDONE!!!) smut, mentions of death (kind of.)
authors note: not sure what this blurb is or how i feel about it!!! i’ve been listening to the album “evergreen” by pvris a lot and a few songs on there inspired me to write something like this. it took like, two whole days the write and im not really happy with it. super nervous to post, but here it is <3
all i want is to touch him. i am aching to know if the man across the room from me is even a real person and not just a figment of who or what i believe is capable of only existing on another earth. some perfect planet in which humans like him derive from, if you could even call him anything other than a God.
every bone is curated to full strength, not capable of breaking even on the worst of impact. skin so soft, gently it was pulled and stitched around the skeleton. muscles that can only be specially crafted for someone who was chosen by the heavens. brown eyes that are painted delicately with mother nature’s mud that only those with the privilege of dying are allowed to let that color seep in beyond their years underground. each hair was selected to perfection based on thickness to strength. then did it grow into what would become the third softest part of him. the first being his insides, with lips painted perfectly with the swatch of a fresh rose a close second.
it takes nine months for a baby to become fully grown in the womb. i think for noah sebastian, each second of his creation was carefully curated for much much longer than that. the concept of him was dreamt of long before earth’s existence, it was just a matter of waiting for the perfect moment to finally allow his presence in this hell. even still the earth wasn’t ready for him. nobody is. especially not me.
and like a storm shelter in september i’m entranced by goddamn hurricane noah. i can’t blame him, i started the swarm. raising the ocean heat so much i’m forced to spend the rest of my fucking life wanting him so badly. i died a long time ago from the weather. this is the aftermath.
as easy as it always is for him, somehow within an hour of my time at the bar he’s walking me out to his car. not many words have been exchanged between us. we hardly speak to each other anymore. not since we broke up nearly a year ago. we use each other as distractions now. distractions from each other.
“have you drank at all tonight?” i ask as he unlocks his car and opens the passenger seat for me. no response. anxiety starts a mosh pit inside of me but i can’t stop myself from climbing into the seat and watching after he shuts the door and makes his way over to the opposite side.
with silent ease he starts the vehicle and begins driving. there's an unspoken rotation we share of whose house we go to. this time, it should be his. except he’s not driving in the right direction. i’m not sure where he’s going. i’m too tipsy to care.
i roll down the window and let the cold breeze hit me conscious. i hate how it takes him nothing but existing to pull me back here. into him. if he wants me, he has me. if he wants anyone, he has them.
i’m stuck. in my daydreams it’s still us. it’s always us. and in some, fucked up illusion that i’ve curated, he feels the same.
tears threaten to spill from my eyes but i won’t let them. not here. not now. not yet.
the car’s speed increases and i roll the window back up to rid the aggressive wind beating at me. i still don’t know where we’re going and it’s taking too long.
i reach over to him, my hand finding it’s designated spot at the front of his pants. he readjusts, moving his legs apart for better access. his eyes stay glued on the road with one hand gripping the wheel like his life depends on it. i guess it kinda does.
i find the zipper. no hesitation. i’m impatient.
“wait,” he mutters quietly. i ignore him and unbuckle my seat belt, freeing my right hand to finish undoing the zipper and button. “keep driving.” i demand as my fingers breach the barrier beyond his boxers. he lets out a lustful sigh when i circle the soft skin of his abdomen. i know all the places to send him over the edge. now, he can’t stop me since he has to focus on not killing us.
the car swerves a bit and i shut my eyes with the intent of relaxing myself. even though i have every reason not to be. i don’t know why i’m here or what i’m doing, but i can’t seem to find a real reason to care. i’m here with noah. that’s all that matters to me.
i release his growing length from the cage of his clothes and he sighs again, rough vocals mixing with the wind ripping through a slightly cracked window in the backseat. i haven’t even touched him yet and he’s already lost his mind. it brings me pleasure knowing in some ways, i am equally as in control of him as he is of me. no other person in the world could make him come undone without even looking at him. they can’t make him moan or beg like i can. he knows it. that’s why he’s here.
i lean over fully and take him into my mouth. such a beautifully unholy thing humans are capable of doing. sex is the closest i will ever be able to physically get to him, and sometimes emotionally as well. i always take my time with noah sebastian. even when he wastes mine.
my lips encapsulate him, tongue doing all the work to bring him to me. my tipsy state leaves me to be sloppier than usual. i prefer to give him nothing but slow admiration. a form of worship. not that he deserves it. but i think i do. despite everything, i will never fully comprehend his existence and how i’m the person who gets the privilege of having him here with me like this.
the car speeds faster, wind gets louder, my vision blurs and all i can think about is this feeling. the adrenaline of teetering on life’s edge and cohesively, noah’s edge. his hand finds my hair with a soft strained grip. fingertips reaching my roots with a delicacy only he shows in moments like these. a thank you. a fucked up thank you.
i move my head in slow rhythm. it won’t take much for his release and i’m hoping that it makes him eager to arrive wherever he’s driving. here i am, the world between his legs and all he can give me is a few breathy moans and a tango with death.
“fuck.” he finally whispers. the car aggressively shifts over again and i release him from my mouth. i refuse to die like that.
he’s pulled over. before i can fully lean up he’s unbuckling himself and getting out of the car. i feel the icy air again and i follow his lead.
he stands in front of the car, headlights illuminating him so perfectly. cars zip by on the highway in the distance. evergreen trees decorate the skyline, the stars and moon hanging above them. his half lidded eyes stare at me and i see something i’ve never seen in him before. an expression. a feeling that doesn’t exist within modern comprehension. something much deeper than either of us. i feel it too. something.
noah steps forward with no ounce of hesitation. his lips are on mine, desperate. primal. that unknown feeling is animalistic. it’s beyond animalistic. it’s human.
i pull him closer and closer. atoms meshing in pure blood and hunger. i want him to love me tender and love me raw and whole or else, not at all.
we’re on the ground and his body weight makes me one with the soft soil. wind brushes the smell of fresh earth and his cologne through my senses and it’s perfect. his hands are everywhere. i think about the ink embedded into the layers of his skin. a body no one else has and that will never exist again once he’s gone. tattoos that will melt away with decaying time. worm’s favorite seasoning.
his hands reach underneath my shirt and his fingertips grace the skin of my sides. his hands are warm in the mess of the october air around us. i pull on his hoodie that he slips off along with his shirt. noah’s bare chest that doesn’t feel so bare from the tattoos is exposed and i’ve never seen him like this before. here, he is real and he is everything.
my shirt follows right behind, then the rest of our clothes until we’re nothing but a part of nature together. he looks down with his earthly brown eyes as if he crawled up from the dirt just to be with me. “i love you,” noah says in a way he’s never said it before. those three words have been watered down as something so casual for humans. a typical phrase you hear everywhere. for people to exchange as a come and go, like we aren’t all entirely made out of love. noah and i right now are results of the most violent act of love someone can commit. if sex was a crime, we would be facing the death penalty hand in hand.
is violence the purgatory? the beginning is tender and slow, no matter how you rush it. then the in between is rough and the beach waves are crashing and pounding endlessly over and over again. then it’s blissful. not quite heaven, not quite hell.
he’s inside me and i cry. i hold onto him as if i need him so badly. as if he’s not the one destroying me both physically and figuratively. tearing me open. splitting me apart. it’s all his fault. for being like this, looking like this. how dare he.
he is a god but i don’t pray. i beg.
“fuck. i love you.” he says again in my ear. there is not enough time on earth for either of us to use those words enough. it’s never enough. i want him. i need him. i am going to eat him until there is nothing left and he belongs to no one but me.
“i love you.” i manage to get out between the beautiful mess he’s making of me. his hands claw at the dirt below, digging our grave here where we will forever remain in our final release. i bite his shoulder. i feel his spine. his biceps. his jaw. his slender fingers wrap around my neck, so gently. it’s not an act of possession. not an act of aggression. it’s fear. fear that when he lets go, i’ll sink into the ground and be gone. i’m yours forever, i want to say. forever is a long time. time that doesn’t exist. not for us, at least. tomorrow i’ll wake in my own bed without him and temporarily he’ll be nothing but matter until we’re starving again.
we finish together and my heart is heavy, full of so much and every little thing revolves around him. for a second i see the void. a nothingness that consumes me as fast and easily as only noah can. i feel his hand leave my neck. our breaths heave in sync and it’s as if we’re the only ones alive on the planet. that’s how he makes me feel. alive. even when we fight, yell, and scream- i’m alive. i’m alive enough to have a voice to yell at him with. a heart to love him with. hands to touch him with. lips to kiss him with and a mouth to please him with. my body was made to reflect his. to be one with him.
and then i smile. because even if i hate him tomorrow, i’ll be anticipating the next time he can kill me again.