{ useless advice }

the blog of useless advice that nobody even gives a shit about but will hopefully provide you with some form of entertainment - Em & Ra

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how to survive school

1. don’t. school is a living hell.

2. i’m sorry

3. you’re pretty much fucked

4. stay strong

5. it doesn't get better :/

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Sorry again

oops - we just got off exam block and are now on holidays! sorry guys we love you all but time is hard to find sometimes!!

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How to win an arguement

1. Be a woman

2. that’s literally all you need to do

3. congratulations

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how to tell someone you think they are cute

Method one:

go up to them and proclaim your love like you are in a Shakespeare play (use really big made-up words for best effect)

Method two:

write it on a poster

 go to their house and stand at their window

knock on the window repeatedly until they get the message, send them multiple anonymous texts and calls or break it with stones to wake them up                                  

** WARNING: following these pieces of advice may result in you being severely injured, embarrassed, arrested and/or rejected **

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how to kiss someone

method 1:

lean in

stick your tongue out

lick his/her lips and then the rest of their face

CONGRATULATIONS you have just become a dog

method 2:

lean in

tilt your head

close your eyes

extend your arms

and STEAL THEIR WALLET/PURSE

*quick getaways are vital*

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how to win at high school

find a group of decent people- we call them friends *gasp*

socialise with these people. if anyone comes up to you while you are socialising them tell them to fuck off (even if it is a teacher- bc they will be happy that you are not on your phone)

get decent grades. if you think that you are failing- give your teacher a bj* (even if they are female- if you know what i mean ;))

if you follow these steps you are almost certain to win at this 'high school' buisness

*if you give your teacher a bj it might be best to make sure no one sees you

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how to be trash

1- roll into a ball or a similar spherical form

2- cover yourself in out-of-date food OR if you happen to be lady gaga- wear your meat dress

3- get into a big plastic bag (poke some breathing holes first)

4- hop into the nearest bin

TADA YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY TRASH!

5- go take a shower bc you smell

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what to do when someone tells you to go to sleep

1. throw a book/phone/lamp/dog in their general direction until A: they pass out B: go away and stop annoying you or C: you run out of things to throw

2. using your best gollum impression tell them that 'sleep is for the weak'

3. tell them that when you go to sleep, FBI breaks in and stares at you (apparently its 'research'). IF they happen to ask how you know this; manically laugh at them/laugh awkwardly

4. similar to above- laugh really loudly and or obnoxiously

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sorry!

hey everyone, sorry we haven't posted lately!

there was a cyclone in our area and we lost all power for about 6 days. we are so sorry but don't worry there will be more posts coming soon!

Ra & Em

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how to survive without power

1- go to a public place (eg. shops, library, fuck it maybe even school)

2- use their free wifi to go on tumblr and watch movies

3- CHARGE YOUR GODDAMN STUFF 

4- go home and cry about the weather

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How to stay happy on Valentines Day (for singles)

Warning: You may get attacked or hit if you do either of these things.

1. Find a couple kissing and/or hugging. Walk up behind them and throw water, slime, mayonnaise or anything liquid like at them and scold them for PDA

or

2. Once again find a couple. Walk up to one of pair crying. Ask them in a heartbroken voice "how could you do this to me? We have been dating for the past 3 months and now on valentines day i find you snogging and having fun with another woman? I cannot believe you."

Watch the reaction for both of these and then i would recommend telling them that this was a joke.

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Taking Requests

Hey, we have heaps of ideas for advice but if you want one specially made just send it to us! - Em & Ra

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How to be fashionable (Part 2)

Step one: Get a fashion idol

Step two: find out where they live

Step three: Mug them! (fun)

OR

Step One: Find your fashion idol

Step two: Ask them where they buy their clothes (not fun)

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How to be fashionable

Step one: Find someone you idolize and love with all your life.

Step two: Look at the way they dress, if you like it continue, if not then find another idol because yours sucks

Step three: Wear the complete opposite! 

I guarantee you'll get all the ladies/men/whatever-you-are-into

*Don't blame me if you can't rock the style

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how to get a date

get your friend/sibling/dog/cat/fish and take them for a walk.

now have this friend/sibling/dog/cat/fish trip a particularly attractive human being OR if they happen to be as clumsy as you, just have them fall over you/a rock/their own feet

now, tell this attractive human being "i think you just fell for me"

*BOOM* instant date

walk up to another/the same particularly attractive human being and say to them "i'm a 9 and you're the 1 I need"

they will be blown away by your awesomeness/terrible flirting skills

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how to stop laughing in class (part 2)

shove a piece of paper into your mouth (you may need more than one piece)

wrap a whole roll of duct tape around your head, covering your mouth - if your teacher asks, say it's for a social experiment

continuously think of your naked grandparents (ughhhh)

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how to stop laughing in class

think of your teacher's genitals (ugh)

if that doesn't work, think of someone you hate. imagine them naked

if this STILL doesn't work...

go home you dirty soul and think about what you've done

also please stop enjoying it. i find it weird.