Im falling apart and I need help
So, I’m 16F, and I have this 16F girlfriend I met online; she lives 500km away from me and we have never met in real life. Soon enough we will both turn 17. I absolutely adore her and she feels the same, we’ve been together for little more than a month but we were friends for a while before that (we‘d known and spoke to each other for like a year or so but started getting really really close a few months ago.). We’ve texted every day every hour for like two months or so now, we’ve video called before, sent each other videos, pictures and vocal notes. We are EXTREMELY attached. We are both HSPs, which doesn’t help things. Ive never been so happy in a relationship. She makes me feel seen, loved for who I am, safe, and all the "stupid" stuff that people who are in love say, but it’s true. I’ve been in relationships before, but I’ve never felt anything quite like this. She’s my muse, my life, my everything, the reason I smile and wake up in the morning. Not to sound like a "crazy lady", but it’s almost like our souls really have some sort of connection or something.
Now, here comes the trouble.
I didn’t want to keep this hidden from my parents for too long, so I told them about our relationship a few days ago. I knew they’d react badly, as they are extremely protective, all because they love me, but it sometimes seriously ruins my life. And trust me, I’m not the kind of teenager to say that they’re ruining my life just because they don’t want me to have social media or to go out alone, that’s stuff I understand, and never complain about. It’s on a much deeper level. I now have this thing that’s starting to get really toxic for me and I acknowledge it, where I need everything I am and do to be approved by them, and I just can’t imagine doing anything against them, or that could even slightly disappoint them or go against what they want for me. It’s ruining my life. I have a psychologist I see regularly because my mental healthy is complicated, and I’ll tell her about this next time I see her. So anyway, I went and told them, and I knew this wouldn’t be an easy pill for them to swallow, but I felt I needed to. And it went even worse than I could have imagined. They were extremely upset, I spent the whole afternoon talking with them and crying until i physically couldn’t anymore, and basically, they don’t approve of this relationship at all as they say that this type of relationship (long distance) is not possible for a HSP like me, that I would end up being destroyed…except I’m destroyed now.
I just can’t bring myself to leave her for good, to not love her, to do anything. After I told them, all I ate in 24 hours was a piece of fruit and three lettuce leaves. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, I have constant really hard bellyaches, nauseas like I’ll just throw up anytime, as well as other things I won’t speak of. Its a living hell, and I’m weighing my words. I mean it, this is not just an emotional teenager speaking, I know that this is serious. I’ve been through stuff before, but this is the first time I’m so miserable.
I just love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone, it’s crazy, I can’t describe it well enough. I’ve been through breakups and stuff before and always handled it so well that my parents didn’t even see anything of my sadness; this is a whole new level. Im usually someone who smiles and laughs a lot and find an immense interest in things such as art, history and so on, and nowadays i just can’t bring myself to smile in an honest way, to laugh at all, to find as much joy in my passions or in anything as I usually do. And mind you, I’m currently in the place I love most in the world.
She says she could take trains and come to see me, but my parents said that even if she did, they wouldn’t let me see her. In September, a new law applies in our schools and we won’t have our phones at school, so we can’t talk during the day, and when we come home we’ll have work to do, so we won’t often be able to speak more than like 30min-an hour a day. If we cant see each other irl, this is truly going to be torture.
If I listened to my parents I would’ve dumped her and dropped talking to her completely days ago, but I just cannot. My head is telling me to do as my parents want me to, in order not to ruin our relationship and to please them, basically. My relationship with my parents isn’t always the easiest, but they really matter to me, and as I’ve said before, I need their approval and recognition to a point where it may be toxic and harmful for me.
Every time I think of her I feel like I’m making the greatest mistake of my life by trying to get away from her, i feel clearly that I love her way too much to even think of forgetting her and what we have, and I wake up every morning after only a few hours sleep feeling numb but destroyed, and like an enormous thing is missing from me.
Before you mention it, I would not allow myself to do something like having her take a train to come see me and going to meet her pretending I’m seeing friends or something, I’d feel extremely guilty and my parents would find out, I know it.
So here comes the question : What can we do ? What should we do ? We are totally mentally destroyed by this situation, she’s in the same state as me, and we don’t know what to do.
