Dear Cressida

An ode to what was lost in the baptism of fire

[valiant-salient-blog]

Dear Lloyd

I am about to divulge another facet of wisdom to you. At this point it felt almost like futilely throwing money at the problem, but that is beside the point.

Treat your woman with respect, even if she does not expect it, nor ask for it. Give her respect, precisely when she does not respect herself. Otherwise you are plain exploiting women. (But remember, your ex is your ex for a reason. So it's fine if you don't feel much respect for her, but how you deal with your ex got everything to do with how much YOU respect YOURSELF, which is another thing.)

Because when you ask, why did she felt undeserving of respect? Think, Lloyd.

I do not claim to know other women's reasons for self-disrespect, but I do know mine and I am going to tell you why that was.

In the beginning, I parted with my self-respect and along with that, my self-worth on an understanding that it is merely a phrase that will end soon. I visualised it as me submerging myself into the water to find you. But what happened was that I nearly drowned myself trying to find you. So I rip apart from you, or rather my mission, to resurface and breathe. Drowning is akin to 'social suicide'. And when you 'dies socially', other people's estimation of your value dies away and you are basically condemned to a life of solidarity, no matter what you contribute to society and your community. Even contributing, to begin with you need a secure emotional life to water your growth and prosperity, to oil the machine that is your incentive brain. You need it to keep safe from depression, amongst other mental illnesses.

Now look at this in another way; you must ask yourself why do women have to be apart with their respect to be together with you? Why can't she have both? It is because you didn't give her her respect back. She sacrificed, or rather invest it to you. You hold her self-respect, and instead of giving her that (what they would interpret as being gentlemanly), you gives her yours - and that is just a mimicking, a phoney imitation of "being a gentleman." That was what happened between us and I think it may be what is happening with Lia. (If you are crying "Matriarch! This is matriarchy!", I reassure you, do not fret nor be frightened by this; this is subjective to the benevolence of the women. Who, out of which gender, is renowned for benevolence? Thank you.)

Now, now what I just described about the exchange of respect doesn't seem to be unfair or wrong. Because it is not. But where I think the fault lies in this, is you.

(This is not me persuading you to be 'mainstream' and boring in how you handle your affairs, but me explaining to you why everyone 'just' does it, unquestioningly and barely understanding. Why this method is the popular template that everyone follows and how it 'just work' better. Indeed, you could chose to be either become persuaded or have a stab at being 'bespoke', in case you ever stumble upon a perfect, exciting alternative to the tired, much worn and ancient template.)

Let that thought loiter for a bit in your head. I said loiter instead of linger because it walks around in your head uselessly, purposeless and futile but very much real and alive. It may be loitering equally in your head as it will mine.

What I'm going to say is hard to say, not because of my inbuilt reservations regarding potential emotional reaction, nor the fear of 'exposing myself' - no, because I am long, long past that. It is because the concept is tangible. Somewhere in the pitch black that is my brain and my sphere of understanding and knowledge. Solidified by language. I know it exist somewhere - the reason, the explanation for 'you'. But I can't draw 'that' out and let it express itself to me in order for me to interpret it aloud to you, and hope for it to ring true in your mind and for it to resonate inside you in a gentle echo of the ring.

O, woe. Of the dream, of living post-innocence, walking on feet's bloodied by the fragments of shattered virginity. O, the struggle of scholars, of philosophers, of scientists, and all the trailblazer that may or may never become to be.

Til I catch the critter in the dark, adieu!

"I had several close friends scattered across the country but no one I could just call up and go out for a coffee with. I depended on no one, but then again, no one depended on me."                                                             -- Michael Chorost

"I hated the hyperrational, lonely society that their remorseless logic had let human beings so easily create"                                                -- Michael Chorost

"Eyes put you at periphery of the universe - you are always at its edge, looking in - the ears put you at its centre, since you hear what is all around you."           -- John Hull

Speaking of that, when Hailey quipped she would "try and not give Lloyd the bitch face" or something in that nature, I feel... Hard to describe but something like sad. Everyone (whose opinions I cares about) hates him and looks down on him. It's like Lloyd’s gone and shot himself in the feet. I don't know whether I'm feeling this was because I feel resentful that I'm the idiot who's loyal to the wrong person and getting the tomatoes for it with him or I feel like "No! Look, he make stupid mistakes yeah but so does everyone, right? Don't kill him for it, please."

I need to get over him, yo. I love breaking bad BTW. Jesse Pinkman ftw XD

Lloyd: I've agreed with Lia, from now on if I try anything its officially cheating. There's no getting away with it now.

---

Lloyd: what?! No sex in the [airbnb] apartment?! 😭 [for an event, which Lia isn’t going to]

Me: I don't mean to be meddlesome but should I be concerned with your reaction?

Lloyd: lol I won't do anything I was just asking that's all

Me: good! I thought you're going off the rails again for a sec there

Lloyd: well I hardly think I went 'off the rails'

Me: whatever you say :L

[valiant-salient-blog]

Dear Cressida

Mate this gonna be blunt - I still have my WhatsApp. What happened is that I left any group conversations I share with you and blocked you on WhatsApp, amongst other things.

The reason being, after last Friday, I was left bitterly disappointed. I felt so sad that nothing's changed. We kept going in circles, despite how bad I felt; How much I apologised to you and really meant it each time. There was a time when I hated myself nearly as much as you hate me. But now I've had enough of your bullshit. All these deleting and blocking is a way to make everything black and white, crystal clear: you hate me, you hate what happened and there's nothing I can do about that because I'm not a Time Lord. I am not going to put up with you anymore and I'm going to stand apart and if alone, then so be it.

I do not care about winning or losing because that's so childish. It's no longer about "being a better person". I am past caring, because that is not the point for me. What I am looking for is honesty to self. To be clear-sighted and clear-minded.

Anything you said to spite them 'gainst me, I accepted it. Even if it did not reflect the precise truth or it was exaggerated or whatever. Because "if someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also." (Luke 6:29) - yes, really. Obviously this isn't the case literally; it's a matter of principle.

"I was going to appreciate you for waiting until you told me about you leaving WhatsApp groups"? All your feeling of appreciation that was building up for my waiting is kapult the moment you read my text? Then you're still too unstable, fickle. After a while, I realised it is not going to move forward if you carry on avoiding me, vaguely but never directly talking to me in groups and stuff. It's a bit childish too, all the beating around the bush. So that's why I deleted everything of you but text. That way there is only you and me. Nobody else is looking so if you want to talk to me, either text directly to me or have a tea with me and talk to me. The strange thing is, although I was originally actually waiting for you but over time, the waiting became watching you, wondering what's going on with you. Half of me expected you to come to a consensus that you hate me absolutely and shake hands on that, half of me think you will find some other friends and groups and commerce your futile (unless you killed me and everyone you ever knew and move to Mars) attempt to ignore me forever.

See this video about forgiveness. From Prager University.

What happened was I went past the first step (exoneration) after such a prolonged waiting for you to come out of your cowardice and barefaced lies. Though, you didn't realise it was so barefaced because you didn't know that I knew. I know, I should've have called out bullshit sooner, but my excuse was that I clung to the innocence that you had the integrity to do it yourself. And the fear of jeopardising our friendship, my studies and yours - especially as we were roommates, too, probably played a significant part in the mind of a 17-years old.

But when things got to an head, and truth was finally out, I did, genuinely, forgave you. I was already laughing about it all by then. But the misfortune was that I was so inconsiderably ahead of you, emotionally (along the same path, I assure you - but you walked it in a way alien to mine so I didn't recognise that until now, in retrospect. My bad.) Another thing that stood in my way was my determination of having my freedom of choices respected, which you threatened, that yet you asked for my friendship.

And then we fell into second drought.

Towards end of that, you remember the gingernet thing? I forgave you again (wanting to get out of this feud) but it was never quite as clean-cut as my first bout of forgiveness. This was more like forbearance, the second cited in the video. I was watching you, on the impression that you may do something "typical of Cressida" and go back on your word again. And God, how heart-wrenchingly repetitive it got; before too long, I spotted the déjà vu of the same sentimental, lust-filled cowardice I so detested, because I saw it brought the worst out of myself the last time. As soon as it reared its ugly head, I set out for a mutual repellency, and succeed.

By then, I've lost the last morsel of respect I had for you because your actions render you predictable and manipulatable, like an episode of EastEnders. It was easier and more sane to repel you than to accept you into my bosom.

The only option left for forgiveness was the third; Release. This is where it gets interesting. In a strange paradox, I've arrived at the point you passed a while ago. (Remember, the ginger net? Remember how I impassionately tried to explain the wonderful 'release' a forgiveness can bring?) Little did I know I was precisely describing this very type of forgiveness. And now I realised the flaw of the argument. For that to happen, friendship would have to dissolve the iceberg under the waterline and strive for precious fecklessness of a superficial kind. Perhaps that's why that formula made little sense in your eyes when it made perfect sense in mine. A little like that white/gold and black/blue dress.

Now... Much older, I sit here pondering. Which, of the twin of us, love another more? At the surface, you seem to be the obvious answer. But no answer is ever straight. No one ever knew enough to know the answer in the fullest, '1+1=2' confidence.

Really... Right this moment (20.31 on Thursday 5th of March 2015, at your courtesy) I crave hate from you. Because it is much less destructive to me than the love you offered me, (none at fault - you proceed as per the social norms.) Hate look much more cordial, fun and appealing than love.

No, honestly - I'm nearly skipping with excitement and on verge of having a good belly laughter just imagining the possibilities of good old fashioned hating each other (hark the small print - as this concept is so new to you and so unpractised in this society;) without intending on doing much damage - cos we are so far out of it neither of us consider the other worthy of breath, words and time. Maybe just an occasional, friendly "fuck you bitch", brushing off any query with a " it's a hell of goddamned long story, and I promise you, it will fuck your brain over."

God, I feel like an elderly lady with not much contemporaries left except for lifelong enemies. Your 'thuglife' aside, (smoker lungs and drinking and God know whatnot) here's to a long, healthy and virile enmity.

I fucking hate you. Please adjust my imaginary voice in your head to a more affectionate tone, and try the last sentence again. (Might have a Monty Python tinge to it, but yeah.)

See what I mean?

And anyhow, lying is bad for you and I, fellow human. Really, please, don't try push it or fret yourself with solving the so-called problem of hate. It's a little like what deafness is to hearing people, but once you get into the whole being deaf thing, you will come to love it.

Zoë xoxo

"I think being out here has made me realise that forgiveness is about choosing happiness over hurt." (Abigail, Australia)

11th September 2015. And then this tale ended with us choosing happiness, mutually and together. Hello, my dear friend. It's great to see you again. All is forgiven.

[valiant-salient-blog]

the Phoenix of the Ashes

Born in name of chaos and vengeance, at heart there lies the scorching fire of anguish and vice. In youth there is the baptism of fire, sacrificing a victim and half. No matter how much tears you cry, dear Victim, it would not extinguish the fire that's burning You. Indeed, these tears fuels this kind of fire. Until the day You go against everything You know, that You've been taught, against every cell of sanity and rationality Your body posses, and love what You hate, forgive who You condemned, forget the scars for what they are, You would be a tortured slave of Your past. You believe that there will come a point where there is nothing left to torture, and ergo you would be freed. No, that is not right. Not in the sense You're imagining it to be. The reality is if You cling on to the torture, it will shell You, yes, but there's still the Shell to torture. And You'll still be bitter, hurting. It would age You terribly but if You still cling on regardlessly, then Your life waste away and I accept no blame for it is past a point where it was in my power to stop. Yes, I've abandoned my Comrade. I've abandoned my Friend, for there is nothing left to abandon because there is no Friend to abandon any longer. You are no longer a Friend to me. This is the unfortunate wisdom spoken of a guilty party. Unnatural behaviour demands unnatural response, You see. I advise You, before the Phoenix's grown too strong and too alive. But, writing this, there is only an empty grimace for this is already too late. Lying in the single bed Looking at the space I Created for you, next To me, out of habit. My body tethering At the edge of the mattress, beyond Which lies a drop. Thinking If you never came to Fill in that empty space, To accept a little gift of Space from me, I could Try dropping the drop. Maybe you Would be at the bottom, waiting to catch me. Before I made the drop, I glanced. 

It's much farther, darker and lonelier, only the Floor waiting to receive me.

Your body is the chalice, a vessel Of your being. A temple in Where your beautiful soul lives. I come to worship To bring my sacrifices, bribes, offerings I do all that is in my power to Please you. I kiss Tenderly, I hug you tight Engulfing you in my greediness Hunger that loneliness brings Appetite, of your vulnerability, grows. I tell You I feel lucky. I don't understand where that came from, how so, but I felt it, and Lucky's the name for it, I think. And then You told me You felt lucky too. Really? My cynical, feminist, disbelieving Head told me. You told me in sincerest manner possible, that I am the last person You would fuck over. I want to believe that so badly. The more deeply I believe, the higher the diving board is to a concrete, empty pool my Head told me. Mentally, I am screaming at You to cure me of my Head. It's ripping me apart, the tug war. But I believe and know it's good for me. You are a hesitant animal, unsure of lathering me in your hot love, to invest your time and honour in me. For precisely what reasons I do not care to know For I too am a wild, hesitant animal.  With the same dilemmas. Mine is decided, and Yours supposedly are in consequence of Mine. We are courting each other, circling each other, with our spears pointing, Trust is everywhere and nowhere. Timing is everything and irrelevant. You and I, like two Norths of a magnet, repellent yet bound by sameness. I am playing a dangerous game, dancing with Fate. One misstep and You or I, perhaps us both, would wrench and scream at the pain. The most terrifying is that I do not know the steps of the Dance. My heart (or perhaps my Head) cry out wretchedly at the sadness of this.       The best thing that never happened, because it never was meant to be. Aftermath. When you been through an adventure in pitch black there comes a time where you reached a checkpoint in your life and you stumbled upon a facet thrown from the past. Its like switching on the light of a great, big dark place you've had to cross to reach the switches. And you are forced to look around, to at least appreciate the spectre you've performed in the pitch black. Sometimes its awestrucking, amazing, unbelievable, horrifying or shocking. All the things you unconsciously and instinctively does right you dismissed, instead you despair at the ruins of things and people you knocked over in the pitch darkness. Altered perspectives and the shock when reality of today is so abstracted from the reality, then. Forgotten things you nuanced yourself that you shouldn't, memories, unanswered questions you could answer now but it's too late, and promises you wished you've taken more seriously. The fresh, soothing shock in your stomach magnets your legs and feet to ground so you're grounded. You glance, at the path you've carved out, and then you bend your head, to absorb the shock and awe. The clocks are knelling to a close. You can only stay there for so long. Then you plough on. Into new darkness or illuminated path, I does not know but will answer at the next checkpoint I reach. "-- Please do not ever change for anyone or anything, I love you man." --Kajesi "Have you considered how she's feeling? If you was her, and this happened to you? The love of your life, and then your closest friend fucks him." --Kajesi November 19th: I know my new year resolution. I will not rest until I feel ok again. Finish everything I started, however dirty I had to get. Then I can finally stop going on about this. Words are a danger, to myself. This is a force to be reckoned with. - - - Alfred Lord Tennyson. "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Out of youthful impulsiveness, I raged that this is, fuck off, not true. You know, it's the same with deafness and hearing loss, see. I am born deaf and I never felt like I missed being hearing or regretted my deafness. I was born that way, and I never knew different. What you doesn't know, doesn't hurt you. I see how those "hard of hearing" mourn for what they've lost and often, that brief moment of hearing, declaring a great war on self. Now, if you never loved, you may be alien or something but if you love and rip and love again and ripped apart again, it's so draining, tiring, ageing, exhausting. Especially if you tried to go against the awesome power of the mainstream. Struggle against the natural laws and current. Take it slowly, they say. Take it easy, they say. Give and take, they say. Label yourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend or they might do't for you. Introduce him to your parents, and hoo-ha, your daddy may not like him, they say. Say "I love you" like you meant it, they say. 

"When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools."           -- King Lear, Shakespeare.

...

“Well. I'm sorry to spoil your Monday morning this week, I know how much you loved them mornings. But this is what I wanted to talk to you about, face-to-face yesterday... Not impressed with the sleeping arrangement on Friday night, probably Saturday night too, for all I know (I don't want to). 😒 they knew the deal but still tells me... Lloyd, srsly. The only reason you like me is probably for my patience. A lie after another. It's draining. I freaking look 30 in the pictures, yano 😂 By lies, I meant what you say/claim so often doesn't run in parallel with what you do. ERM. Well... So. I'm interested to hear what you have to say, but I know there's probably a chance of you not knowing what to say back for a while." Of course, people get irrational at times but not at the rate you do, it's alien. It alienates me from you and it makes me upset because I have no idea whether, out of my pride and honour, persist with this or out of self-protection, cop out. They, free of my pride, told me it's best to take a step back and just be mates. Either way, it's a battle; a knife-edge psychological game or holding up against physical temptations I know will come with the latter. The romanticised "The best thing that never happened". That's so fucking sad. I hereby cut all the ties I have of thee, my once-dear friend. Up until now you was there always, somehow, somewhat a comforting presence in the cyberspace, and a silent companion in gatherings. But now I have abandoned all hopes for your stagnant, dying body and left you in the mercy of the elements. So in this manner, I have closed your chapter in my life, your chapter, I hope, is over for good. I fare thee well, Cressida M. Hill. Valiant, salient you was. My head telling, telling, telling me to leave this crazy motherfucker alone. It's saying; Go; Save ye, or else thee be perished with his poison and her witchcraftery. Go; for the time being ye shalt be terribly alone. Aye, it is a bitter medicine for a sweet end. The end, the light at the end of tunnel will be all more joyous for't. The oxygen, the greenery. Imagine. What I want from this: I want it all to be properly packed away. For a better time it'll be reopened. And try. Properly, the traditional way. Ideally when there's nothing else left to that place.

[valiant-salient-blog]

Conclusion

Remember... Thou shalt not lie. Especially, especially if you do not want to risk losing those closest to you. 

But sometimes I mused... It must be nature’s way of resolving an anomaly; and our friendship was it. It was not supposed to happen but it happened and everything happened because of it. So it came, ran its amazing... but extremely unpleasant course and left. and that’s it. Finished.

So, um... Now I will post up some, erm, poetry if you like, cos I don’t want them hanging any longer on my phone. However cool they can be to read occasionally on boring bus journeys and that.

[valiant-salient-blog]

There is an air...

.. of a post-ending. I write this post out of half-hearted duty to close this story for you all, my dear readers. I do not really want to write this post because it’s not really a chapter I particularly wanted to share with you all, because... well, because it’s sad seeing a story dying, fade away with impending “the end”. But it is just.. an aesthetic duty, if you would. If you start something, you must end it neatly. 

---

It’s been almost a year since my last post. Another Christmas is in the approach. I am nineteen now, and that number makes me feel... old.

A lot have happened. Firstly, my new-year resolution succeed. I absent-mindedly wondered if it was because Lloyd and Cressida did not have any further sex or any communication with each other. At least nothing as far as I am aware of, remember or even care to investigate if that was indeed the case. Everyone have moved on. Once, Cressida and I ended up in a mutual party, which was also relatively small. Cressida threw some strops and jumped to some conclusions, but aside from that we did not even look at each other. 

Until a couple of months ago. There was a Deaf Pub. I went, and I was not expecting Cressida to be there, but there she were, with her new boyfriend. Soon, Cressida approached the conversation circle I was in. The nervous anticipation whilst she hugged each person. I said nervous because it is like... waiting to hear from the doctor if you’re all clear or not. Number of people in that circled who wasn’t greeted or hugged by her went lower and lower. I expected her to do a curt nod or look away when she arrived at the question of me. Ignoring me to make the message clear: I hate you. Do not expect this to be over for a long, long time. Nevertheless, I stood there looking on and smiling, trying to be open but at the same time neutral (I didn’t want to look too eager, nor do I want to look like I’m trying to ignore her in any way.)

And we fell into a hug. If I remember correctly, it was a long, big and tight one with some laughing. Like old friends. That is an expression of “Long time no see, dear friend.” I wanted to cry.

Man, that sure was good to receive. 

This is the end. We are finally finished.  

--- 

P.S. 

From the lessons past had taught and learnt, I did not seek nor pursue to rejuvenate our friendship to what it once was, and neither have Cressida. We returned to the stepping block number zero, and it can never go in the same direction it did before. We probably will never love, be faithful or hate each other with as much passion as we did in the past. We are simple friends. With some history. That is everything there is to know about the friendship of Florence and Cressida.  

Time does and will heal. Just sometimes not in the way you once hoped. 

[valiant-salient-blog]

The L word

After a disgruntled trip to the bathroom, in the slump of the night, I snugged my way into my place next to Lloyd. I was lain there looking at him squarely in the face, slightly blinded by the darkness. His eyes opened, and blue meets blue. A rueful sigh. A relaxed silence, two lumps rose and fell slowly with our breathing lungs. 

“I love you.” I broke the quiet as casually as I could muster. His blues widens with slight panic and surprise. He looked uncomfortable, furrowing eyebrows. At loss for words. “It’s done, simply, I just really, love you. There you have it - I love you.” Was I expressing my true feelings or popping in an experiment to see if the L word would cast him away to ensure this stupid thing wouldn't happen again, out of his intrinsic, powerful aversion of love. I have no idea. And I don't want to concrete it into a reality either. Maybe acknowledging that little truth; in order to destroy it. Or neither. 

“I think it’s better for no-one to know about me going to your flat.” 

Cowardly lying was one thing I reviled so intensely. Coolly, I put the unpalatable logic before him. I will not lie for you, because I have honour. Those closest to me deserves the truth as much as I and you do. I love you, but you alone does not trumps them all. Truth will always come out. He became quiet, conceding. 

I am not Cressida. 

[valiant-salient-blog]

Away with the Watch!

As I settled into my university routine into the new year, Cressida and Lloyd occupied my thought train less and less. I busied myself with other commitments... The boy I rejected in favour of my ‘first’ boyfriend back in the beginning of my A2 year came back and reinstated the chemistry. But nothing in remotest akin to what I had with Lloyd. I was lonely and romantically, things was really quiet so I flirted, sans the intention to go any further. He seemed to have the same thought process. But I soon had to clip things, because it didn't sit well with me that he was handling another woman, who was waiting on his answer to her relationship question, with him waiting on me.

Sunday, I clipped things off with him. Monday, I got a text from Lloyd. The first since the new year’s fiasco. My life have the habit of mis-orchestaring things so extremely, but with some nuggets of neatly orchestrated sequences of events. “Would you like to go for a pint with me? As friends, no sexual intentions!” “Sure. The silence’s been too long.” “Precisely.” 

And no, I wouldn’t make the same mistake of saying the rest is history. 

Friday, I said goodbye to my little troupe of new friends, borrowed a fag to smoke on the way and went to meet him at the station. 

We greeted each other with beaming smiles, and then we went to sit down at some squatty and stuffy little public house. First round on me. Second on him. Conversation flows freely and effortlessly, we both revelled in the reminder of how awesome we really are. I’ve forgotten how smart Lloyd is, if not smarter, he’ve forgotten why I was his friend. Third on me. He kept glancing at his watch, so I (having drank a half bottle and three glasses of white wine,) told him to away with that watch, forget about time and chat! Away with the watch! He, smiling, complied, took it off and packed it into his suitcase. And on the conversation eagerly flowed, the rounds of drink emptying at leisurely pace. Moon rose higher and higher in the black sky.

One missed train to Lloyd’s home, a taxi scoot to my place nearby, a forgotten suitcase, up few flights of stairs, key in keyhole, door, floor filling with a shitty makeshift ‘bed’ of a couple of blankets, “...Really?” “Ugh, go on then.” 

Me - big spoon in my pyjamas. Him - little spoon in his jeans and bare chest. Synchronising our breathing on my single bed. It was getting hot. He turned around to face me, and we hugged. Tight. “I am regretting this but I missed you,” the hugs and the tender, familiar kisses said. 

Just like that. My mindless “Away with that watch!” led to several layers of no-man zones trespassed. Like I said before, life.  

I was pissed off that the strong, resolute and independent woman I knew myself to be, have crumbled so feebly. I failed the test. I considered myself as hypocritical and bad as Cressida was. After multiple defence layers was shattered by him, one last remaining layer as thick as knickers, knit in with willpower wobbling in his looming, advancing shadow. Sex. Well, to be precise, foreplay and sex. “Where have that ‘no sexual intentions!’ gone to?” met with a headcock to the right and a lopsided shrug. I said no, and I won. I protected that last morsel of honour, integrity and self-respect. Because I really, really am not up for becoming 100% Cressida. 

I am Florence, and I do not fuck boys after saying I would not.  

[valiant-salient-blog]

The new year

And so me and Cressida turned sour again. It was at a point where her hostile, snide responses met my every advancements. I decided to pack Cressida’s existence in relation with me in that dusty old box and left it in the attic. 

The “onwards and upwards” optimism was nothing but a distant dream by then. 

In another news, Cressida became sour with Kajesi after Kajesi called her out on her hypocrisy. It spiralled from one incident; Cressida was slandering me and Lloyd to her one night. Kajesi snapped under the weight of her hypocrisy and shone a light on the ugly thing for Cressida to see; Kajesi’s ex-boyfriend (Remember the absent boyfriend in Bulgaria?) was now having sex with Cressida, after developing a romance behind Kajesi’s back when they were together. Pretty much the identical triangle that I, Lloyd and Cressida got ourselves into - only, Kajesi was now the “betrayed Cressida”. Kajesi got sick with anger and contempt - Cressida would dare to badmouth two of Kajesi’s dearest friends to her, of all people, while doing the same thing with her and her ex-boyfriend? However, the only difference was that Kajesi’s break-up with her first love, although painful, wasn’t as messy as Cressida and Lloyd’s. Kajesi was now going out with someone else, so she no longer was ‘emotionally’ connected with her ex. This, for her, was a matter of principle and integrity, both areas of which Cressida is weak in. Kajesi refused to call somebody like that her friend so she disowned Cressida. 

Kajesi have seen how this illogicality have infected Cressida’s relationship with me and Lloyd, but was relatively unabated about it in the past because she thought it was concentrated only to the ‘guilty ones’. But this incident infected her esteem of Cressida more than anything. Though they still chit-chat sporadically, the camaraderie was dried up and dead. 

[valiant-salient-blog]

Life at the wake

Springtime becoming tangible sight; you can feel it in your breath, inhaling the crisp air, the all-day morning sun on your skin and see it in the voracious greens, the little squabbling of squirrels, awakened in the wake of hibernation. 

I was reflecting that around this time last year, we all were trudging through the last few months of that academic year. The distance we’d come, yet for so little difference. It breaks my heart to tell you, dear reader, that Cressida and I’s reconciliation was as miserable a failure as Cressida and Lloyd’s brittle little breaks-ups was. I now have nothing to say to her but primal expression of bleeding love, tinged with hatred (contempt, disgust) and, finally indifference. It seems she have forgotten all about me, forgotten any hope for a friendship in me, and in the warm blanket of obviousness, she seems content. I have arrived somewhat at the point I was at in the prenatal era when I was ignorant of her existence on this globe as her me. The sentence that follows the one you’re reading right this moment is merely an observation of a stranger. She seems happier, and moving on with her life, happily shunning people and then sewing the bond with hypocrisy, hating her shabby father (and his associates,) paranoid and insecure as ever, but faltered zilch have her, in her masquerade of a daring, mischievous and cheery viking girl - although she becomes more tame by life. 

Why, for pity’s sake, have it failed the second time? Well, let me. Following our joyful union, I went about my attempt to persuade Lloyds to consider making peace with Cressida too. I demonstrated to Lloyd mine and Cressida’s rejuvenated friendship, that what he once thought was irreversibly ruined. He was seriously considering. 

And then the knell of New Year celebration roused people. We deaf community usually have several events based in capital cities to pick from - London, Bristol, Liverpool, Brighton and so on. Coincidentally, I choose to go to Manchester, while Cressida and Lloyds chosen to celebrate in Bristol (I forgone Bristol because it was considerably more restricted and expensive than Manchester, and I loved the Manchester night scene.) So, after seeing Lloyds in all his recently-18 hungover glory, we went our separate way across the country to celebrate our new year’s. My Manchester new years’ was slightly plagued by my thinking about Lloyd and Cressida being at same party... Will they get along? Or they won't bother even glancing at each other? Or... The third outcome was almost painful to think about. Regardlessly, I had an absolutely ball and went home happy. But the preoccupation wouldn't stop pestering me, so I went about asking people how their Bristol new year’s were, striking up casual conversations comparing our new year’s and such. Cressida, Kajesi and Lloyd’s accounts are all relatively positive. Until Kajesi slipped, and I found out. By now it wasn’t such a shocker, but it made me confused, and frankly hurt that Lloyds and Cressida persisted in their cowardice of me and continued lying to me. Basically, I said to both (in separate conversations) “Well...I thought you reviled him/her and you vowed that you’d never touch each other,  after everything that’s happened... And then your actions contradicted with what you are saying. Stop it. I’m sick of this.” 

Cressida became defensive, because she felt she is entitled to keep/ tell what she likes and do whatever she please. It was like... okay, you’re right, go ahead - just don't lie to me again, please, Cressida. Lloyds, on other hand - keeping in mind we were plain friends at the time, with no ‘official’ special attachments whatsoever - grovelled to me, apologised for lying, apologising for doing things that went against his words so, so many times. He said he regretted it, reviled Cressida for taking the advantage of him when he was drunk, detailed in how Cressida threw him into a taxi when the party was mid-way because he was ‘uncontrollably drunk’ and how they went in her car to have sex - in Kajesi’s backyard. It was shameless, the slandering of Cressida. While Cressida told me they parted on good terms after that, Lloyd confided in me a completely different version, assumedly what really went on inside his head when the whole thing played out. I asked Lloyd why he kept his regret from Cressida. “For an easy life - I was tired, hungover and I just wanted to go home - I don't want to get into arguments with Cressida”. I retorted - okay, but are you planning on texting her any of what you’ve told me? “nay” came the answer. So, being Cressida’s faithful friend, I would not stand Lloyd’s contradictions and manipulation, and took things into my own hands. I told Cressida, Lloyd got pissed off with me, but I was right and he knows it. Cressida got angry with me for setting things straight. I could not sympathise nor understand those two. Thus I found my new year’s resolution - never will I intervene with Cressida/Lloyds business again.

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The Aftermath.

This is December now, as I write this passage. The Christmas time is nigh. 

For the past six months, Cressida and I haven't spoken properly without all the bitterness, pain and shame, and for the past four, we haven't spoke at all save for glances and short remarks in a big social events. 

Meanwhile, Lloyd and I fell in love without admitting it fully to each other, tinged with distrust, fear and the collateral effect of Cressida and Lloyd's relationship. The 'deal', as me and Lloyd liked to call it, was suggested by me (stupidly, and please don't ever THINK of copying me -) which states that we are friends in public, lovers in private, and we could do whatever we please - sexually - to others until either one of us found someone better than each other. But it was on a condition that I am to not ever find out or know about his activity and the same vice versa because that would be too emotionally burdening. As it goes on, me and Lloyd was worried we wouldn't ever find anyone better than each other.

At times it was like a psychological game, like poker. Who had the upper hand in this? Which, me or Lloyd, would crash and burn? In the past six months, Lloyd'd drunkenly had sex with Cressida three times, plus one other girl whose he was friends with benefits, all of which I found out about. Three strikes, and I told Lloyd the deal we had was over. I was clear it would be burdening on me in the beginning. I never told Lloyd that I had sex with a guy too, because I was following the conditions of the deal. I wasn't the Jeremy Kyle-type "An eye for an eye" person. For all his idiocy, I wrote him a letter to say that I forgave him. For real.

Lloyd ended it with the friends with benefits girl after he felt she was too emotionally invested in him which broke the condition of the nature of fwb. It was after I ended the deal with Lloyd (great timing init -) so I got confused where he stood with me. It was horrid, not knowing why, what was going on and Lloyd wouldn't give me a clear answer. 

And then on one fateful Friday this month, me and Cressida spoke. Admittedly, it was slightly exciting, after so long - like what, she's speaking to me?! But it was soon replaced with despair. She made a snide remark that I've lied to her, then I retorted it was because she had lied to me too and then it was a gridlock. Right there and then, I've lost all optimism that Cressida would move on, that time would heal her. I went home, and deleted everything of Cressida off my phone. I was ready to say goodbye, Cressida. But the only thing I couldn't delete was her mobile phone number because she had mine and I was powerless to change that.

One day, later on, I saw on Facebook my mother's post. I clicked on the link and it led to a website called Gingernet. Memories of Cressida's ginger obsessions linger in my mind. I would share it, so Cressida would see it, but I deleted and blocked her Facebook. The only way of sharing it with her was to text her directly. So I did. I expected something like "Thank you but still fuck you" in response. It didn't happen. Instead, it was "Thank you, I'll be sure to look it up". I knew she would then ask me why I deleted her off Whatsapp (because the app would show if you 'left' the conversation.) After a looong while, she gingerly texted me... "Why have you deleted your Whatsapp?" I replied with a long text, basically saying: "It is what it is, you hate me, you hate what happened and there's nothing I could do to change that because I am not a Time Lord." A few texts later, I asked: "So what now? I would suggest we just hold that thought aside for a bit, have a nice catch-up, updating each other on our lives first. Once that's done, we could sit down and sort ourselves out."

"Deal."

The rest is history. 

Today, he shot it dead. And I am grateful, because I can breathe. I'm at peace.

Onwards and upwards. 

[valiant-salient-blog]

Epilogue

I was very angry at them both. And with myself. Why, literally, why was I so blind? Why was I so dumb and got myself involved? In retrospect, I didn't know how else to go about this, but at least I tried. 

In the closing months of that academic year, when Cressida started to interrogate me about the nature of my relationship with Lloyd, it planted the idea, or rather watered the seed that was already there. I began to have persistent visions of being in a breezy, bright, white and veiled room, dozing with Lloyd by my side. Happy and content. Carefree. 

And that, combined with my awareness of Lloyd's carelessness somehow made me less angry at him than I am at Cressida. I began to think; well. Lloyd just did what he wanted to do. He was honest with himself. He played by the rules for most parts, and he never cheated. Evidently he was scared of what I'd think or do. Afterwards, he revealed he liked me and the feeling was mutual. In the summer that followed, upon returning from America I ran to Lloyd. We made love to each other, because we had nothing to lose and everything to give. We were the damned ones and damned we unite. It was the best thing to have happened at the worst possible time.

You can imagine Cressida feeling so betrayed; "I thought you was my sister!" But my heart was gone, the feeling wasn't mutual. 

Anything and everything I said to her after that was meaningless. It was just damage control. In a community like the one I live in, I do not want Cressida going on a rampage telling everyone of her betrayal, nor do I want the bitterness to sting the air every time me and Cressida were inevitably in the same room. But I meant it when I told her I would continue holding out my hand to her, in hope one day she would be able to move on and take my hand in friendship. I would carry on listening and accepting her abuse because I do not want to become closed to her, for I had no reason to be. 

"To he who strike thee on cheek, turn thy other cheek too. To he who demand your cloak, withdraw not your coat also."

I was trying to give her the incentive to move on, but she was much too faithful a slave to her past 

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Part Five

You guessed it. 

She broke her promise. It was Kajesi who discovered it. Kajesi, knowing there was no way to get it into Cressida's head if Theo and I cannot get through to her, decided to go directly to Lloyd and tried to talk it through with him. He was all like "Well, yes I want to break up with her, so now we aren't an item anymore. And Cressida offered it so I took it. Sex is nice, we both like doing it. I don't see the problem?" Lloyd would not be persuaded by Kajesi. As a last resort Kajesi came to me and told me, because being the closest to Cressida, Lloyd would take what I say more seriously. (But now I wonder if it was because he see me as a potential option for sex whereas Kajesi was out of bounds.) Lloyd was also told if he want to end things with Cressida he should stop fucking her.

I remember laughing and gasping at the sheer irony and idiocy of it all. 

Here where my real intervention started. It all started with a deal with Lloyd. If I were to help him out by getting rid of Cressida, and helping Cressida through the heartbreak etc, I would expect no sex between them two in return. I thought I was still dutiful to Cressida by dealing with Lloyd so the whole thing would be easier for Cressida. I felt one of the key problems was Cressida kept too much things from Lloyd. Lloyd had no idea it was this severe, amongst other things. So I've decided to be the open channel of communication between them. It meant whatever Cressida said or do I felt Lloyd need to know, I tell Lloyd. It was probably against what Cressida wished but I was adamant it would help smooth things over quicker.

But... As the academic year came to a close, the pain, crying etc dragged on. It seem that not much have changed between them. We was beginning to think it wasn't the sex but something else. It turned out, at the close of the academic year, Cressida realised just how much I helped her, and was there for her so she told me everything, because I deserved to know. That the last time they had sex "was a week ago", and before that, for months mine and Lloyd's deal was on, they were actually having regular sex behind everyone's backs and in-between bitter arguments. I bet the sex was exciting, but the betrayal hurts. It stabs to know a whole chunk of your care, time and energy, gone, flushed down the toilet. 

It also explained why Cressida was becoming more and more estranged from me, questioning my motives and asking if there were anything between Lloyd and I. Truth was nothing happened, only that deal. It was because after each time they had sex, Lloyd told Cressida to "whatever you do, do NOT tell Florence." He wanted that channel of communication to stay open while breaking the deal. And Cressida kept quiet. And I kept quiet about our deal, I protected it away from Cressida. 

It was then that I just dropped it all. I lost it. I gave up. I told Cressida everything. about me and Lloyd's deal, especially because that was one thing she was not aware of. 

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Part Four

Kajesi and Cressida became much closer too, because Kajesi was the one in the sixth form who knew Lloyd the longest.

Theo got closer to Cressida too, because he was trying to help Cressida through difficult times. He remained dedicated to her throughout. He never bothered with Lloyd unless it was within Cressida's interest to do so. 

Cressida and Lloyd tried to split up, but it sort of failed. Cressida kept getting sensitive and irrational with Lloyd, Lloyds kept prodding her but sweet-talked her back with his image of ignorance and 'helplessness with women'; "Women. Can't live with them, can't live without them" was his catchphrase. 

I was already very close to Cressida. By then I begin to see contradictions in her others overlooked, grasp on evidences that slipped past others' mind and hands. I start to look at her as extremely unstable, more than what others assumed. It scared me and I started to pity Lloyd for his idiocy, rushing into things with Cressida. I didn't know what else to do but to carry on being her beacon; I've always been good at being stable, so I supposed if Cressida needs me, I'll be there for her because I am capable. Otherwise, I'm struck being her roommate so I persisted.

Cressida came to me and Theo. She pleaded for our help to make the next break-up work. She was tired of being upset by Lloyd and his "neglectful" actions (I disagreed, but carrying on...) First (and more or less) the only thing me and Theo advised her was to stop having sex. Because it all got muddled up the last time because they were still having sex. Cressida justifies it by saying love and sex is separate things. 

We understood where she was coming from but we insisted if the break-up were to work, they are to stop having sex. Otherwise anything else we do to help is futile because sex was the backbone of their problems. 

Eventually, Cressida gave us her word.

[valiant-salient-blog]

PART THREE

The friends with benefits sort of dissolved into a proper, full-blown relationship between Cressida and Lloyd. I mean, of course it would. These things always do, for a reason I struggle to understand. Sarcasm intended.

This transition happened before it was barely the Christmas season. People start to worry and expecting things to fall apart because it seem to be something unhealthy about it, the speed and everything. Especially Theo, a GBF of mine and Cressida's. He was the first of us to attempt and persuade Cressida to be careful, but it was all he could do. Cressida seem to let that slide and carried on as she were.

I was more concerned with Cressida than I was with Lloyd, because I was more fond of her than I was Lloyd - it wasn't anything bad, just that we simply doesn't talk as much since I was Cressida's friend first before Lloyd and anyway I got my head buried in my A-levels the rest of the time, as usual.

When it was early in the first few month of the new year, Cressida and Lloyd started to have tensions. The bickering, the point-scoring, both participated in it actively. Initially we dismissed it as them going through a phrase or a rough patch; but that patch kept going on and on. It gets rougher and rougher, spiralling more, and more out of control. Eventually, it got to a point where Lloyd was feeling consistently defensive and Cressida was crying weekly, if not daily. Every time she cried, she asked to keep it from Lloyd because she doesn't want to seem weak, or a loser to him. I complied. Who, of those closest to her, shoulder the most of her tears? Me. 

to be continued...

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Cressida and I

I should clarify - the sixth form was boarding, so we have all the extra business with roommates and shit. Cressida joined the sixth form a year before Lloyds did. Cressida and I sort of looked like each other so we called ourselves a twin as a joke :) In our first year it was all banter, rarely anything serious or deep. We were just classmates, that was it. Mine and her circles overlap by a few people, just a little. Like, when she went through a major drama in her first year, I wasn't really her 'insider' so I don't know much about it.

Second year, however, was totally different. Me and Cressida ended up being roomies, and atop of that, we still had same classes together. So me and Cressida hung out a lot more, her circle faded into mine a bit more. We became close. To the point she seriously considered me a sister. 

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PART TWO

The following summer (before that september,) 

Kajesi and Samuel (a childhood friend of mine) went together - as friends, nothing romantic! - to Bulgaria for some massive event my community regularly organise. I went too, but I was with my family as was Lloyd.

Though, during that two-weeks event in Bulgaria, Lloyd spent nearly all of his time with Kajesi and Samuel while I was struck with my family and their curfews. We all still had a ball, it was all great but Kajesi kept worrying about Lloyd flirting with her the whole duration despite her being only "on a break" with her boyfriend at the time. She then goes on to tell me she met Lloyd through a camp when they were 11, 12 years old. They got along really well and naturally fancied each other. But now, it was different and Kajesi just wasn't interested in him anymore. 

Meanwhile, I was getting involved with two guys who told me they liked me. I didn't have any real reason at the time to reject them so I decided to date them both, see where things go. In Bulgaria, I eventually decided to pick one over other. It was exciting, but nothing passionate or deep. When that summer was nearing to its close, he asked me to become his girlfriend. It was a spur of the moment thing. I decided to say yes. "Just something to spice things up," I thought. Well, it did alright, hella a lot more than I ever expected. Looking back, it was almost comedic. 

News traveled fast, and everyone knew I was "taken". Lloyd, at a much later date, told me he had an eye for me but it dissipated as soon as he heard I had a boyfriend. That boyfriend only lasted for 2 months before I had to end it. By then, Lloyd was already 'friends with benefits' with Cressida. Everyone was surprised and uncertain about what they thought of Cressida and Lloyd, me included. It was kind of a new thing in our sixth form, to be a friends with benefits and open about it. But we figured that their personalities kind of complements each other, they have stuff in common so... it was kind of okay.

Cressida was the big, loud and proud; viking-type kind of girl. On front, she was laid back and "chilled out gal" but the mask wasn't fooling anyone, at least not those who knew her.  

I was one of those who knew her, more and more deeply during the course of that academic year. In the end when everyone thought their personalities lined up, it was her mask suiting his personality. You only could hold up a mask for so long before it starts to oppress you. 

Part three- coming

[valiant-salient-blog]

so here's the story of my blog...

PHRASE ONE - the starting point;

I met Lloyd at my close friend, Kajesi's birthday party. It was a bigish party, everyone got drunk - the usual.

In the weeks up to the bash, Kajesi was telling me about some Lloyd, how she thinks me and Lloyd would get along handsomely. At the party, Kajesi got absolutely fucked (still lolling now) because it was her birthday, obviously. So, Kajesi sort of forgot to introduce me and Lloyd. We still met regardlessly and we snogged, talked and just clicked. It was nice.

Afterwards, when people heard we snogged (because Lloyd can't remember my name so he asked after a "ginger girl" - nobody understood who he was trying to find. It was only after he casually remarked "oh, it was cos I snogged her last night.." my brother went "That's Florence, my little sister." you can imagine Lloyd's embarrassment LOL) they started to tease me, elbowing me, because rumours were Lloyds would come to same sixth form in the following September. I brushed it off because me and Lloyd barely texted and everything so he probably wasn't interested in me anyway.

Up until now my life was pretty much boring and stagnant. I was the no-drama girl - though to be fair I was reasonably sociable too. I just don't do the 'stupid things' I see others do, like going off with guys they doesn't truly like.

I guess it was because nobody clicked with me, and whoever did it was always a girl or boys that I just have no sexual interest in. Probably because the community I live in is small; most of them are either really close with my family already or just... weren't right. 

PART TWO is coming soon!