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Heroes | November 8th, 1983

steve harrington x oc

(this entry contains: pining, yearning, slow burn, teen angst, unrequited love, childhood best friends, best friends, friends with benefits, sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, smoking, drinking, david bowie, vampires, potentially erotic soccer playing, dungeons, dragons, and the incurable desire to be known)

word count: 2.5k

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from the diary of Sara Henderson: writer, actor, biter, striker, team player, good with kids

dedicated to her brother, Dustin, and her best friend, Steve. may they never, ever read this!

that’s where you’ll find me

November 8th, 1983

I didn't feel conscious until we ran into Nancy in the hallway. Tragically, where Steve goes, Tommy and Carol will follow. People who live in glass houses or whatever, I know. But at least Steve actually likes me. Maybe I’m just projecting but I don’t think he likes hanging out with them much. I don’t. Not really.

Steve snatches the flashcards from Barb’s hands, bringing me back to reality.

“I don’t know, I think you’ve studied enough, Nance.” That’s what they were doing last night. Studying. It took two hours for him to fully convince me that’s all that happened. He must really like her if he’s really this thrilled about not having sex.

“Steve-” Nancy starts.

“I’m telling you, you know, you got this. Don’t worry. Now, onto more important matters. My dad has left town on a conference and my mom’s gone with him cause, you know, she doesn’t trust him.” Steve explains.

“Good call.” Tommy says.

“I wouldn’t either.” I add.

“So are you in?” Mr. and Mrs. Harrington are noted for being out of town often. Steve and I were usually the ones in charge of watching over the house. One of the many mistakes his parents have made. We would abide by their rules. No friends and no parties. That’s it. How stupid could they be? Or it could be asked: How stupid am I? Having the house to just the two of us used to mean something. Not anymore. Obviously. Am I bitter? Obviously. Still, a party is a party. An excuse for me to drink in the middle of the week instead of being alone drinking in the middle of the week.

“In for what?” Nancy asked.

“No parents? Big house?” Carol tries to drive the point further.

“A party?” Nancy realizes.

“Ding, ding, ding!” Carol says. Tommys laugh covers my own. I hope Nancy didn’t notice. Mostly for my sake considering it wasn’t funny.

“It’s Tuesday.” Nancy says.

“It’s Tuesday! Oh my god!” Tommy mocks.

“Come on. It’ll be low key. It’ll just be us. What do you say? Are you in or are you out?” Steve says and Nancy looks at me. Me? Don’t look at me like I make good decisions.

“Um…” She hesitates. There are two outcomes. She comes and I have to deal with Steve being a lovesick fool or she doesn’t come and I have to deal with Steve being a lovesick fool AND deal with Tommy and Carol on my own. At least if she’s there I have someone else to fall back on.

“Oh god. Look” Carol diverts all of our attention. Jonathan.

“Oh, god, that’s depressing” Steve says as we watch Jonathan hang up a poster.

“Should we say something?” Nancy asks.

“I don’t think that would help much.” I say.

“How much you want to bet he killed him?” I’m not sure if Tommy is attempting a joke or if he’s serious. Regardless, I scoff.

“Shut up.” Steve says.

And then, Nancy walks over to him. We can’t hear any of what they are saying. Seems like Nancy is doing most of the talking. His face doesn’t change at all really. I can’t imagine. I mean, I’d be a mess if I were him. If I couldn’t find Dustin? God… They look over at us. What a sight we must be. I offer him a small smile. The bell rings and Jonathan leaves quickly as everyone else starts to head to class.

“I’ll see you later.” Steve taps my back as he walks off. “And I’m sure you won’t be empty handed.” He smirks.

“Of course not.” I say shortly. I give him the same small smile I gave Jonathan. Then he’s gone. Empty handed. That’s one of our many deals. He provides an empty house, so I bring the… party favors.

There’s an announcement over the intercom but I inadvertently tune it out. I’m left standing there alone, looking towards where Jonathan just stood. And for the first time, I wonder if this is my fault. I offered to take him home. I should have taken him home. It was late. I was supposed to take Dustin home too. If I had taken Will, would everything be okay?

Before he left this morning, Dustin passed along a message to me. The Wheelers, namely, Karen, invited Dustin and I over for dinner tonight. Something about how it’s better to be together with all of this happening. I’m not one to turn down dinner. That just means that I don’t have to cook. And I know where my brother will be when I leave for Steve’s house afterwards. He heads straight to their house after school but I make a quick pit stop at our house on my way. Men are simple. When one asks you for a favor, there’s always another that will do it for you. With one call, I have two 12-packs of beer waiting in my garage when I get home. He even threw in some weed for good measure. A little something for me to get through dinner and a little something else to get me through a party. Simple.

Dinner is less awkward than expected. Politely, I just sit there and take bites of the meatloaf. Eight of us fill the table. I sit across from Nancy and next to Karen. Though I’m respectful and typically call her Mrs. Wheeler, she insists I call her Karen. The pedestal I get to be on since I’m almost motherly. How thrilling my life is. At least, this version of my life. Chaperoning my brother to his friend's house, having banter with mothers. At least I’m not in charge tonight.

It’s quiet, which is not normal for this group of boys. I don’t have the ability to focus until I hear Nancy speak up.

“So there’s this… special assembly thing tonight for Will at the school field. Barb’s driving. Sara’s going, too.” Karen turns to me right as I take a bite. I try to chew and smile at the same time. Idiot. She turns to Nancy. I turn to Karen

“Why am I just hearing about this?” I turn to Nancy.

“I thought you knew.” I turn to Karen.

“I told you. I don’t want you out after dark until Will is found.” It’s like watching tennis.

“Since we’re going together it's like…safety in numbers” I chime in, trying to help Nancy out. I don’t know how much she likes me. It seems that with Steve’s plans, we’re gonna be spending a lot more time together so I better start trying to win some credibility with her. We are two incredibly different people, but let’s hope that, in some ways, opposites do attract.

“And it’d be weird if I’m not there. I mean, everyone’s going.” Nancy says. I nod.

“Just… be back by 10:00.” She gave in. Win. “Why don’t you take the boys, too?” Absolutely not.

A cacophony of “No” “Nope” and “Nuh uh” erupts at the table.

“Car’s… too small” I throw out softly and immediately hope no one hears me.

“Don’t you think you should be there? For Will?” She asks.

Suddenly, Mike coughs into his milk. What’s his problem? Then Dustin slams his fists on the table. What the hell?

“Dustin!” I refrain from yelling but I shoot daggers at him.

“Sorry. Spasm.” He apologizes. I turn and give Karen a reassuring smile. Mike is now covered in milk and his little sister Holly seems to be frightened by Dustin. Dinner pretty much wrapped up there. Instinctively, I help Karen clear the table. Who am I? Soon enough, I’m bidding everyone a goodnight and head out the door.

I know when to go out

I pull right into Steve’s driveway. As soon as I’m parked, I change out of my nice, mother approved, dinner clothes before grabbing my stuff. My home away from home. Only moments after I ring the doorbell does Steve open the door. Seems like he was anxiously waiting for someone. By the look on his face, it isn’t me.

“What? Not happy to see me?” I pout.

“I’m thrilled.” He looks right at the beer.

“Funny.” I say dryly. “I may not be Nancy, but I’ve got the next best thing.” I push one of the boxes into his arms and move past him into the house.

“Yeah, your winning personality.” I scoff as he closes the door behind us. “Seems you left your sense of humor at home though, babe.”

“Good thing I keep a spare on me.” I grab a joint from my bag. “And there’s enough for two.”

“I knew I could count on you.”

I know when to stay in

I get through two drinks before Nancy and Barb show up. As they walk out towards us, Carol leans over to me. I reach for my third.

“Don’t get jealous.” She teases. So, that is exactly how the rest of the night is going to be. Great.

When I see Nancy, I notice she had the same idea to change. Maybe we’re not as different as I imagined.

“Glad you could make it.” I say as Nancy claims the chair across from me.

“Yeah. Thanks for helping me convince my mom.” She says.

“I am a natural liar.” I smile because it’s true. I hope that didn’t come across as bitchy. Did I mean for it to be bitchy? I could have been way more of a bitch. But why would I do that? She hasn’t done anything wrong. I am a bitch, but I don’t want to be one to her. What’s that about?

“Here ya go, babe.” Steve hands me a flask. Just what I’ve been needing. Wait. I hope Nancy doesn’t misinterpret that. The fact that he called me babe. That’s just what he calls me. He’s done that for a long time. She’s talking to Barb so maybe she didn’t even hear it. Why does it feel like I’m walking on eggshells? What is my problem?

Looking through the trees, I can see the treehouse Steve and I made together. It’s astonishing that it’s withstood this many years. The leaves sway gently and my shirt moves with the wind. I feel the breeze on my stomach. It’s a nice enough night. It’s equally nice to not be worried about Dustin. I thought after last night I’d be on my guard even more. With Will still missing, I should be. But I’m not. Selfishly, I’m more worried about myself.

Completely unprompted, Steve grabs a beer and shotguns it in no time before pulling the cigarette from behind his ear. He would make an excellent court jester. And, I guess, I’d be right there next to him.

“Is that supposed to impress me?” Nancy asks.

“You’re not?” He mumbles with the cigarette in his mouth, lighting it. I roll my eyes and cough out a small laugh after taking a drag from my own cigarette.

“Uh oh. That didn’t seem to do it for your girlfriend.” Carol says.

“Oh- I’m not-” Nancy stutters. Man, I can’t possibly imagine this ending poorly.

“I don’t think she was talking about you.” Tommy chimes in, gesturing to me. Everyone's heads turn in my direction. Here we go. Fuck. Me.

“I didn’t know you guys were-” Nancy starts.

“Oh, don’t worry Nancy. They’re not together. Anymore.” Carol says smiling. I turn my head slowly to look at her and she winks at me. This seems to be the funniest thing for her and Tommy. He’s trying so hard not to laugh as I turn back to look at Nancy and Steve. I look at him first, hoping he’ll say something. No dice. Really helpful, Steve. If she liked me before, she definitely doesn’t now. Looking at Nancy, I try to spit out a sentence to calm all of this down.

“I wouldn’t say we were ever together, it's just… It’s nothing. Really.” Eloquent. But it’s the best I’ve got right now with everything that is hitting my brain. It’s the truth. But I just proudly proclaimed that I’m a liar so I wouldn’t believe me either.

“She’s right Nance. It was nothing.” Ouch. “These two just like to start shit.” Steve reassures her. I could use some reassurance right about now, too.

“What would you guys call it then?” I could cry. Right here. I could fall to the ground and drown in a puddle of my own tears. But that’s a little dramatic.

“Carol! Seriously, cut it out.” Steve all but yells at her. I take another drag from my cigarette before standing.

“I’m gonna get something else to drink. Steve, do you still have the-” I look over at him and Nancy. If looks could kill, Nancy Wheeler would have just sent me to an early grave. Why did I have to keep talking? I turn and walk into the house without another word. I walk straight into the kitchen and grab a glass of water. In true Carol fashion, she just had to ruin the night for everyone. Or maybe just for me. Looking out the window it doesn’t look like I am terribly missed. Barb is still sitting alone and the rest of them look how they did before I left. Business as usual.

It was nothing.

After only a few minutes, Barb walks in, her hand bloody.

“Shit, do you need help? Are you ok?” I ask.

“Yeah, I just need the bathroom.” She says.

“Down that way.” I point down the hall.

“Thanks.” She rushes off. What is happening out there? As I look out the window again, I see that the rest of them have ended up in the pool. I think that’s my cue to call it a night. I’m not stupid enough to drive right now considering the state I’m in. I’ll just sleep it off for a bit, get home before the sun rises. But when my back hits the couch, the last thing I can imagine doing is sleeping. My thoughts keep me awake. All I do is worry about Dustin. I think through all of the possible outcomes of his life. I used to do the same for myself. Planning for anything and everything. This wasn’t exactly something that I thought of, though. Laying on Steve’s couch, sad, drunk, and pathetic. Something like that.

Unsure. That’s the word. I am unsure. A feeling I’m surprisingly unfamiliar with. I pride myself on knowing a lot, and being confident in what I know. But at this current moment, I can’t help but feel the opposite. It’s him. Steve is the only person who can make me feel unsure of myself. The idea of that is almost… comforting. At least it’s in his hands. I wouldn’t trust anyone else with that amount of power over me.

but you never told me ‘bout the fire

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