Personal Journel

Letting the thoughts, troubles and reflextions in my head and heart GO 

[vanilla-twilight117]

An Emotional Night

Sometimes you have to let it all go and let it all out, keeping it all inside or not sharing your burdens with others seems to be easier at first but in the long run just hurts you more. I know I needed to share what all I was feeling and the hurt I was going through with TC but I was scared... scared of being vulnerable, scared he wouldn’t understand, scared he wouldn’t care... but I knew that I couldn’t keep hurting this way and that even though opening up and talking about it with him scared me to death and I felt I couldn’t do it I knew I NEEDED to if I ever want our relationship to grow and flourish instead of shrivel up and die.

Well it was hard... very emotional, I cried, had a melt down - like ugly cry - I laid it all out there and told him how miserable I felt and that I wasn’t feeling like I was important anymore to him and that I was living  off of nothing while others had everything... and it was a hard talk cause it revealed things about what I was doing that needed to be fixed as well. I know I shut people out, and I know that its a defense for me, but I also know that I need to not do that with TC and let him in when I’m hurting and not push him away and keep him in the dark... that doesn’t help anyone and it just hurts me more. I need to push past my insecurities and fears, I need to not push away the one person I want closest to me. After a lot of talking and crying though I feel so much better about where we are and that he understands I’m going through a lot and he wants to be there for me through this, and he is missing me and loves me very much and cares about my life still and wants to be a part of it. Its hard to explain, I just had a calming feeling come over me after crying my eyes out to him and I feel so loved by him. I know this won't be easy and its going to be really hard and we are going to have to work at it day by day, but its worth it... a million times worth it.

February 17th

[vanilla-twilight117]

Just Given Crumbs

Can’t get back to sleep this morning... too much anxiety & hurt. I hate this... I hate that I can’t stop crying... I hate that I know its not going to be a good weekend... I hate that I’m feeling like this! This isn’t living, its barely surviving, but I don’t know what to do to make me feel better or for this to go away.

Honestly I hate how you’re becoming, staying out till 3am...doing what? out at bars, clubbing, talking to girls...who knows, but it 100% doesn’t involve me or slip your mind that we have barely talked. Everything is more important than me now, being with your “fam” and partying it up on the weekends, everything else is before me. Its like everyone else gets loafs of bread and I’m just given the crumbs. I’m not okay with any of it, how could I be, no one can live off of crumbs, especially when they're use to being given the best of the best, I mean I don’t even know any of these people, you’re barely talking to me. You would think I would get more time on the weekends to talk or FaceTime or SOMETHING but no... its worse than during the week when you have school. Even when we do talk its always about you, you don’t know anything about what’s  been going on in my life lately...you don’t seem to care. You say you miss me but it sure doesn’t show, if I missed someone I’d try and talk to them more not less. Its like I don’t even know you anymore, and the person I’m seeing currently I don’t like at all...how am I suppose to see you in a week and be in love...cause right now I’m not feeling very “in love”... I’m in pain and you’re the one causing it. I don't want to be treated like this by anyone...especially you... my love for you is deeper than anything and that’s why this is killing me even more; I don’t see how you can tell me you love me multiple times throughout the day but then don’t even treat me like the women you love... its just words you say now to try and make things “OK”, but there is no depth to your words anymore, they’re empty... I feel so worthless and unimportant, I just want you to be interested in me and to be the first person you want to give attention to, not the last. I need more than just crumbs...and I deserve more...

Feb 16th

[vanilla-twilight117]

Not a good Week...

This past week has just been hell for me... 

Am I still fighting depression or have I fallen again? I honestly don’t know but life sucks so bad right now and I feel like I can’t pull myself out of this sadness. Maybe its just been cause the week was so stressful and annoying, its like I wanna let it all go but I can’t. My heart is a constant wreck of pain and anxiety, I haven’t really felt rested or relaxed, the pressure is just always there and I’m so unhappy. 

Talking with TC is hard again, when we do talk he talks constantly and its become where I don’t even bother him with what’s going on with me or how I’m doing, I just shut up and listen, but its making me just shut him out of everything cause I feel he doesn't really want or have time to talk about me or deal with my problems. I haven’t technically yet told him at all what I’ve been struggling with since he's moved, but its cause I know he isn’t gonna like the answer. I mean who wants to hear that the women they love is so unhappy with life and is fighting depression... No one... and he has his own little life now down there and I have nothing to do with it or am a part of it. I would think he could tell something was wrong with me, either he has but isn’t saying anything or he thinks I’m perfectly fine which would mean he isn’t really paying attention to me at all. Which is what I’m scared of, its what I’ve dealt with for a while, people not actually caring or listening to me or what I struggle with, I’m always there for them but no one is here for me.

I honestly don’t know what this weekend holds or how I’m gonna pull myself away from slipping back fully into depression and the darkness I’ve been in once before. I know I need to try, I know I need to take action... I’m just struggling to have the motivation too...

February 8th

[vanilla-twilight117]

Vision Boards

So today Shelby had us to vision boards to help spark our goals for the year, at first I wasn’t looking forward to it at all but it actually turned out to be nice. Ended up finishing mine at home cause I needed to get back to work, but it really helped me also think about what I want to try and do more of or be better at this year. I think it will be a good reminder too to help keep me motivated. 

Pain wasn’t bad today, kept myself busy with work, the vision board and also writing my grandmother these little letters that my mother is putting into a scrapbook for her birthday in February. Took some time writing them but it it was nice reminiscing about some of the old things we use to do back when she lived in Beaver WV. I always loved visiting there, and wish I could go back one last time. I think the gift will turn out nice, hopefully my grandmother will enjoy reading all the families fond memories through the years.

Mom got kind of upset I guess at me cause she thinks I’m mad at her because I haven’t been talking that much, same thing has happened before, I just want to be left alone and that just for some reason makes her feel like she needs to be all up in my face (which doesn’t help). Its also annoying how she thinks everything is about her and she takes it so personally, like my other half is gone and I’m just trying to survive.. nothing is about you.. sometimes I just want to be left alone and don't want to have to explain myself to her. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t feel like talking, its at the end of the day, I’m watching a show and I don’t want to converse. But I know she's going to blow this out of proportions which just annoys me more, I just want to be left alone for a bit, nothing wrong with that, if I wanna be quiet let me be quiet don’t badger me about what’s “wrong” with me... ugh great way to end the day.

January 22nd

[vanilla-twilight117]

Pressing On

Okay so yes I am very broken and hurting right now and honestly don’t have any motivation to do anything... but I have to push through this. I need to fill my time with new things as well and occupy my time and better myself, sitting and being miserable is doing no good what so ever only continuing to hurt me more and make me feel all the more alone again. Its not going to be easy, it never will be because the one I love is gone and doing his own thing, so I need to do mine too. The pain won't go away most likely but keeping my mind off of it as much as I can will help me be okay with life again.

This is something I have to do cause the only other option is a split... which I don't ever want, I love and want to be with TC forever and that’s why this pain hurts so badly. But if I want to be able to keep him in my life I need to make adjustments to my own life so I don’t make myself miserable and in turn have problems happen with our relationship for no reason at all. So basically I gotta  find a way to get through/over my personal pains and press on, knowing its not going to be easy but that its attainable through work. 

I’m still very heartbroken still but I at least know what needs to be done and will starting trying to make those small adjustments to survive.

Jan 20th ‘19

[vanilla-twilight117]

Starting the year Heartbroken

Its a new year and lots of new things have happened in my life lately, the biggest thing is TC heading off to chiropractic college in FL. To say its an adjustment is an understatement...its heartbreaking, and I’m extremely miserable lately. My entire life, my best friend, the person I wanted to and spent all my nights with is no longer here. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but in all honesty I thought it was going to be a bit easier for me since I’ve done more long distance before. I’m realizing that since I have had similar situations in my past its making it even harder because of that fact. Anxieties and past situations flood into my mind like a painful reminder of the times of unhappiness and loneliness; I’m so scared of falling back into depression and that pit of darkness where I constantly was hurting on the inside but no one knew a thing. I don’t want to do life alone again and I know I need to fight to not let myself slip because of this huge change in my life. 

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been sad for sure, but definitely hit hard this past Thursday and Friday, a friend of mine brought to light what the root of my sadness is stemming from... not just the adjustment but the fact that he IS/will CONTINUE to make for the next 3 years A Life without Me in it... Everything he does, everyone he meets, every new exciting and fun thing he discovers will have nothing to do with me anymore. I’ve taken a back of the bus seat and have to watch all the fun being had without me. Which isn’t his fault which makes it that much harder, I know it needs to happen and will happen and I can’t and don't want to stand in the way of it, he needs to have friends and have a community while he is down there, it just is scary when you go from being someones entire life to barely being in it. He’s making friends and going to be getting close to theses people, but all they are are strangers to me and me to them, I’m just going to be “the girlfriend” instead of being known and included. Like I said the hardest part is knowing this is the inevitable future to come for the next 3 or so years. I feel so unimportant and like I’m just a passing thought now and not at the forefront of his mind, that scares me so much. I’m so worried about what will happen with time. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting me, my heart feels like its constantly hurting or feeling the pressures of anxiety. I’m just praying to God that I can find peace and relief, I just keep reminding myself to try not to overthink and to give it up to Him, but i’m only human and its still hard like hell. 

All in all I don’t know what to do at this point, I’m feeling so heartbroken and miserable, on the verge of tears most of the time, but will continue to pray for guidance and comfort from the only person who will never leave me... God.

January 19th 2019

[vanilla-twilight117]

Daily Dose of “H”

Some Days are Easy, Some are Hard, Some days everything can be going wrong but you’re okay and others you may crumble along with everything else. Life is just filled with anything and everything, you just gotta accept it as it is and keep on with the keeping on. I recently have had a friend request that I text him 1 thing that has made me happy each and every day, I think this is very healing to look back over your day and pick something that made you happy and tell someone else. Even on the days we think nothing can go right or that the world is ending, we still have happiness and we just need to find it and use that to pull us through. This also brings to mind how sometimes we over dramatize our problems, there is happiness and love all around us, we just have to choose to look for it or see it as it is and accept it into our daily lives. It’s when we don’t that the weight of the world becomes unbearable.

Ignoring the happiness or joy in my daily life isn’t healthy, it just helps to make the depression and sadness easier to accept. Once I accept those as my life then thats what it is, it burdens me and there is no relief. Find Relief, Find the happiness, Find the Joy! If you just open your eyes its All Around You. 

Not saying life is all rainbows and butterflies, no, its far from it, but choosing to try and see the beauty in everything is way more healthy than not and letting the darkness completely take over. Keep your chin up, and take baby steps towards a healthier life, filled with downs, but also filled with Smiles and Happiness. Don’t Ever Forget the Happiness, Get your Daily Dose.

[vanilla-twilight117]

A New Start?

It’s a new year, hence new starts, it gives people the chance to wipe the slate clean; Or so they say. You know why so many resolutions never work out? It’s simply because of the fact that just because it is a new year doesn’t make your laziness or whatever has been holding you back go away. It’ s still there, it doesn’t go away over night or disappear with words on a paper. That’s why its the same thing each year at a gym - TONS of people sign up, I know, My gym was PACKED tonight goodness and more people joining. The sad part is that about a few weeks are going to go by and those people are gonna thin out, and a month or two from now it’ll be back to normal. See the thing is people always get so hyped over New Year New Me; but sad part is a day won't change who you are, or who you’ve been for the past year or years. 

That’s why so many resolutions fail, because you try and cut cold turkey from yourself basically. Some people yes work well with cold turkey and they are able to handle it, but its not like that for majority of people. It’s like a drug addiction, when you start having withdraws it becomes really tough and we usually think hey a little bit won't hurt us or I can handle it this time; Well You Cant and BAM! There you are right back to where you started and can’t find the motivation to stick to the changes you need to make, because you no longer want to make them. 

Here is where there is hope - Yourself - theres hope in yourself, you just gotta be willing to accept it. See so many things fail because deep down its not something we really think we can do or want to do. To change you really have to want it and strive to be the person you are going to be, if you don’t believe it then it won't happen because subconsciously you’ll never let yourself get there. WE Sabotage our own self, our own happiness, our own lives. It’s only when you accept who you are or what you deal with and you truly wanna change that you will put in the hard work to become it, but only cause you want to. 

So here’s the question...

Do You?

[vanilla-twilight117]

When No One is There

What happens in the loneliness, the empty space, the pauses, the breaks.. Where do I go? What do I feel? For majority of it I’m fine, but then the end of the day comes and I feel everything all at once. It’s like a wave that comes crashing over me sweeping me under and I’m left gasping for breath as I try to find the surface. And all I can think is how I should’ve never gone swimming in the first place, if I had just stayed on land, done something different with the day, I wouldn’t be feeling this. But time and time again I go swimming, and it’s the same process, everything is good and relaxing and peaceful... till its not.

I kinda do it to myself I guess, I know better than to wait for the misery. I don’t know maybe I’m thinking it will be different this time around.. It never is. But I keep falling into the empty loneliness. Today is still the same but strangely different still, it’s like I feel like I’ve done nothing and I feel the empty lonely part but it doesn’t hurt so bad. I want someone to talk to and I thought about going back to the sites, the apps, the places where I could talk to a complete stranger to fill the void of not being alone. I just want someone to talk to me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted and that’s why I went to the places I did, nothing attached, no one knew me I could have a pleasant conversation with someone who didn’t know me or I would ever have to explain myself to again. But all that has ever done was made my life more complicated, I realized that now, I don’t wanna go back, I wanna find something real! 

I wanna go deep, deeper than I’ve ever gone before. I wanna fall, I wanna find, I wanna BE found. I want a partner, not just anyone, I want someone to share my life with and to be a part of theirs; someone who sees me - all of me - and doesn’t ditch or leave when things are hard or am going through a crazy patch. Cause man do I feel crazy sometimes; like there are people around me but no one really sees me or what I’m feeling. Mainly cause I’ve never let anyone see, I’m a mastermind at keeping my mask hidden so well it looks real. I guess All I’m looking for is someone who takes the time to find the mask and remove it so as to see me. I’ve grown accustom to the loneliness, but I’m coming to a point where I long to not have so much of it... I want More than this.

[vanilla-twilight117]

Hello Again

Hello again... Hello old “friend” or should I say foe. You never really go away do you, always there lingering waiting for your chance to creep out and attack again. Make my life Hell again, rip my heart out again, and crush my hopes and dreams. The difference being is I am a new person, I’m not the same girl you once controlled. Yes you still affect me and yes you still are going to bring hardship into my life again, but this time around I will try to handle things differently. I won't go back to the broken shell of a girl I once was and tried to hide. You know why? Cause I accept that that is a part of me, I’m not going to deny it, its who I am, I’m very much broken in more ways then people care to learn, but that’s my strength, not my weakness.

I’m a broken soul, a tortured soul in so many ways, but the constant struggle has made me strong. I’m not saying I’m fully healthy cause I’m not, theres still pieces that need to be put together with the help of others; that comes with time though. It hurts to accept that honestly because that just means more patience - a gift and a curse; a kind heart, a sweet soul, a steady mind and a held tongue, they all have one thing in common, they have a good and bad side. They will be appreciated but rarely acknowledged with actions reciprocating the effort and in majority of personal cases they get taken advantage of, being used up till you feel empty inside left with confusion, pain and distrust. All this because we’ve chosen to be the good person, to give the other the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, and forgiveness. This is never something to feel ashamed about, even if we get hurt its always better to do right by others. But is there a point where you draw the line? I think there should be, but in retrospect it may not. When we use these gifts we are putting ourself out there in a vulnerable way, being vulnerable always means taking the risk of getting hurt I don’t think there is a way around that part of it. Maybe we just take time to evaluate the risk to reward and take a deep look inside ourselves and ask our gut if we think its worth it. It may not turn out how you want or saw it in the first place, but there will always be beauty in the collateral damage, we just have to learn to see it as what it is....Life..... There will always be ups and downs, hurt and pain but we’re living, take that risk away, take those chances out, stop participating, are you really living then? And are you really using the gifts you’ve been blessed with? 

You have to live through the pain, cause only then you’ll come out stronger and be able to help another going through something similar. Don’t just give up, Keep going and keep trying. Your day will come. Just remember its not going to be perfect all the time, not even close, but learn to find your perfectly imperfect and you’ll do just fine.

[vanilla-twilight117]

Lets Be Adults About This?

We’ve all heard it before, the dreaded grow up speech, we’re at a certain age where we are expected to be adults yet still are treated like our former childish self. People can never make up their minds on what they want from you so instead they jerk you around with silly nonsense and take blows at your self esteem by attacking the work you’ve done and trying to make it out to be unimportant. Then when you stand up for yourself and challenge their beliefs you’re met with stupid excuses and a hundred reasons why you’re wrong that make no sense. This turns into a very frustrating situation that just spirals down as you get more heated, then, now that they’ve pushed your buttons and made up nonsense till you’re head is about to explode, you say you’re done, which is met with how immature you are being and my own personal favorite “when you’re ready to be an adult we can talk.” (Which really is just the detonator to all those explosives that have been collecting in your head) So somehow the situation gets turned back on you and how apparently the life experience of others trumps your own.   But what does being an adult really mean? What is the defining moment that lets you graduate to the status ‘adult’; is it judged on a certain age? Like when you reach the legal drinking age, or how about when you finally are able to support yourself, what is an adult?

To me there are plenty of people out there that may consider themselves adults who are just as lost and immature as the ones they’re casting judgement on.

Want some proof? Here you go:

We’re told as teens not to give in to peer pressure, to do what you feel is right and not let the thoughts of others towards you matter, just as long as you are yourself you’ll be good. Well ‘adulthood’ is even more wrapped up in peer pressure, they constantly worry about how things look/are viewed by others. Why not take some of your own advice and do you! Who cares what people think, all that matters is your view of yourself. That’s being an Adult.

How about working hard for what you want? Work hard and you get an A for effort. Well ‘adulthood’ says that no matter how hard you work others will constantly judge you for the stuff you haven’t accomplished, they will always say they need more. Right back to pleasing others and how they see you. How about instead you work hard and set goals for yourself and achieve them, be proud of who you are and what you’ve done! Don’t let others dictate your own success. That’s being an Adult.

Lastly be happy! So many adults are so unhappy with where they are at, well do something about it! Yes being in the real world is hard and not everything goes your way, that’s something you learn, but even through all the crap you need to find your happiness and be the person you want to be. If you’re constantly living to be someone else you’re never gonna be happy, cause its not you, its someone else’s idea of who you should be. Find the happiness within yourself to overcome all the obstacles life throws your way. That’s being an ADULT

So go ahead, try and cast judgement on me, I may be young and not fully developed in life right now but I am dang sure proud of where I’m at and I’m not about to deal with anyone’s negative crap in my life. That’s something that marks being an adult, knowing that you make your own decisions;

Whatever They May Be

[vanilla-twilight117]

New Life New Me

I’m starting over, I’m gonna build a new me now. I’ve hit my rock bottom and now I’m deciding to get up and be born again. I’ve realized so much, and through this pain I’ve hit a point where I’m ready to start over. I’m not gonna give up this time around, I’m gonna surround myself with motivation and stick to the goals I have set for myself. I’m burning down all bridges that lead back to my destruction but I am also forgiving those who have hurt me and letting go of that baggage I’ve been struggling so hard with. I don’t need to let all that define me, I can define myself, I can be a better me, and I’m choosing to do that now. It’s taken a while to realize all this, and I’ve allowed myself to be the victim for too long, I’ve blamed others for everything that’s wrong with me when deep down it’s my choice to allow it to affect me or not anymore. I need to forgive and let go; let go of all the pain of my past, of all the insecurities, of all the self doubt, of all the regret, and not feeling like I’m enough for anyone. Cause I am, I am loving, caring, compassionate and beautiful, and I am enough..

So starting today I’m gonna start acting like it.

[vanilla-twilight117]

Realizations

It’s crazy how unclear your head can be but then one thing gets brought up or pops into it and it all makes sense now. I see what went wrong with you and me, I see how we lost each other and forgot what brought us our happiness in the first place. I let fear creep in and doubt take hold of my heart, giving you no chance to change what mistakes you made, I turned a blind eye to the mistakes I was making in that very instant by shutting you out. Yes we both have our problems and things aren’t always going to be easy in a relationship but communication is what gets it through those times, that and love. I want to fall, I want to fall for you again, I want to not hesitate this time and trust you with my everything instead of holding back. That’s another thing I did wrong, doubting our love for one another, there was a connection but I stopped it, I created the disconnect and allowed it to ruin everything because of it. Instead of shutting out fear and trusting my heart I let my mind take over and fill me with rotten things and distrust. You never gave me a reason to doubt you yet I jumped at first chance to because of things I had made up in my head, you were never closed off from me and so willing to open up and I strained it all. I took the happiness from us because all you wanted to do was make me happy and you felt like you couldn’t and as a result I sucked your happiness out of you. I am so sorry for that! And I am so sorry for hurting you as a result of my own anguish. I pray that one day you can forgive me and give me the chance to love you wholeheartedly for the rest of your life because that is all I want, you are all I want.

[vanilla-twilight117]

Starting New

Wiping your slat clean and start fresh, that’s sometimes what it takes to get you in a better place. It’s never easy letting go of things you care about but if its the right thing to do for the future of the other and for yourself then it needs to be done regardless. Getting to this place was scary, but peoples true colors are shown in trials and your true colors are beautiful, someone who truly cares about you will be willing to let you go so that you can heal. Sometimes you gotta learn to walk alone before you can have someone come along side you, and that walk is the hardest but the most rewarding in the long run. I need to heal, I need to be alone and get right with myself again. Losing yourself isn’t always in an instant, rather a slow piece by piece deterioration that occurs as each hardship hits you one by one. Going back and finding those pieces isn’t an easy taste and I know I have a long road ahead of me to recovery but I am ready and have lots of love surrounding me that I am so blessed to receive. I’m setting out on this journey to find myself, to better myself so that one day I can look at myself and know that it doesn’t matter what others think, what does is what I think of myself and I’m damn proud of who I am right now and I am enough for myself so why wouldn’t I be for others. One day I’ll have the confidence and love in myself that I will not be shaken when the high winds come to try and blow me down, I will stand like a fortified castle never to be taken down.

[vanilla-twilight117]

Timing?

When is the right time? Will it ever be the right time? These are questions I ask myself everyday, and my answers are usually just wait, be patient, the ‘right’ time will come. I’m calling bullshit on myself, I’m just procrastinating something because I’m scared of how things will turn out, I’m scared I’ll be left alone because I didn’t say the right words and things are taken wrong or just that another person doesn’t find me worth fighting for. I know I need to let this out, I know we need to talk, and I’m honestly getting back to the point where I want to talk to you about these things just now have a hesitation still because I don’t wanna make you unhappy or ruin your day possibly. Well it’s ruining my life! All this stress all this anxiety isn’t good for me, I need to release and let go, you need to know what I’m dealing with. Maybe then you can understand why I am the way I am and be more caring and help me feel more secure in this relationship instead of feeling so uncertain. All I know is something needs to change or else things will not progress at all, and that’s not something I want. I just want to be happy and live my life to the fullest, and I know that I am the biggest person standing in my way of doing that, so I’m gonna take the first step. I wanna jump into life, no more tip toeing around, no more waiting.

[vanilla-twilight117]

Visitors Views

We sometimes get so stuck in our own heads and overwhelm ourselves to the point where we think there is no way out or answer to our questions. Well sometimes it just takes an outsider looking in to change your view on the subject. I am so blessed to have 3 of the most amazing women to talk to in confidence about my problems and know that I will get honest feedback. The burdens I think I have to carry by myself I don’t have to, because I have others to help me through it all. I just have to let them in.

[vanilla-twilight117]

Lonely or Peaceful Night?

As I lay here alone tonight I kind of long for the company of another but at the same time am enjoying being alone. That’s something I’ve came to enjoy more, being alone, there’s something just so peaceful about it, not having anyone around to possibly bother you or turn your mood sour, just alone with myself. Of course the reason behind why I am alone is not by choice really, but it also is. There are things in my life that I am not certain I want to be involved with, so I am choosing to distance myself, the only thing is it makes me wonder if I need to distance myself completely, take myself out of the equation. Am I better off being alone? Do I need to find myself more on my own rather than with another at this stage in my life? There’s a part of me that wants to have someone, and another that just wants to be alone; some days I feel secure and others I just want to be set free like a caged bird who just wants to spread its wings and fly away. I don’t know if this is just a passing feeling that I have been having lately or if it is a hint to get out. Either way I do not know what to do with any of it. But as for right now I will enjoy my peacefully lonely night listening to music and drifting off into my dreams hoping tomorrow comes with answers.