it was never going to be bloodless

dependent mumu for pittsqzhq

[vanquishful]

MUSES:

‣ CURRENTLY ACTIVE

― SASHA NEMITZ ― TBA

‣ CURRENTLY INACTIVE

― TRISTAN SHAW

[vanquishful]

[ JODIE COMER ] – have you heard about [ SASHA NEMITZ ]? [ THEY/THEM ] lives at the qz. I think they’ve lived there for [ NINETEEN YEARS ]. they’re [ TWENTY-NINE ] yrs old and seem very [ PLAYFUL ]. i’ve also heard they can be very [ ERRATIC ] as well. they’ve been assigned as a [ FIREFLY SPY / TRAINER ]. they often daydream about [ WITNESSING CITIES DROWN IN FLAMES ]. i’m curious to know more.

General Information

▒  ― faceclaim: jodie comer ▒  ― full name: sasha nemitz ▒  ― pronouns: she/they ▒  ― age: twenty-nine ▒  ― date of birth: july 15th, 1994 ▒  ― the big three: 🌣 leo ☾ aquarius ↑ scorpio ▒  ― place of birth: munich, germany ▒  ― sexuality: queer ▒  ― gender: cis female ▒  ― gender identity: nonbinary ▒  ―current location: pittsburgh qz ▒  ― occupation: trainer / firefly spy ▒  ― height: 5′8 foot (1,73 cm)

Family

▒  father ― jan nemitz ✝ ▒  mother ― julia nemitz ✝ ▒  significant other ― (tba)

Positive Character Traits

✓ ― playful ✓ ― charming ✓ ― humorous ✓ ― empathetic (when they want to be) ✓ ― intelligent ✓ ― honest ✓ ― flexible ✓ ― persistent ✓ ― resourceful ✓ ― spontaneous

Negative Character Traits

✓ ― self-centered ✓ ― reckless (at times) ✓ ― unpredictable ✓ ― sarcastic ✓ ― sneaky ✓ ― perfectionist

Wanted connections:

✓ ― Fellow fireflies (for intel exchange, plotting ect.) ✓ ― Potential students that need training (weaponry, self defense, combat) ✓ ― Residents to be corrupted / turned against fedra ✓ ― Rivals (Sasha is a sucker for a good competition) ✓ ― Enemies ✓ ― Mentor (someone Sasha looks up to and usually sticks around for) ✓ ― Bonds that don’t necessarily involve into friendships, but develop due to mutual respect ✓ ― Partners in crime (esp. those that like to get each other in trouble) ✓ ― Unrequited love (from your characters side as Sasha might not get the hint that there might actually be serious feelings there) ✓ ― On-and-off flings ✓ ― One that is not yet official relationship, but something is definitely going on as feelings are or have already developed to a particular extent

Personality

At first glance, Sasha appears to be very well balanced, knowing when to take their job seriously and when to let loose in other occasions. They take pride in their position as trainer since they have spent numerous years studying in fedra school to become one. When off duty, they can be seen lurking around the quarantine zone, either annoying some citizens for the fun of it, or perhaps, according to others, making some very questionable decisions. From the outside it may seem like they are pretty flaky and all over the place, but that might not be the reality of the situation. Sasha is very adaptable which makes them able to blend into almost any and every crowd, setting and match anyone’s vibe. Most of the time, they are calculated and analytical. If they made a move towards someone, that is with a certain goal in mind.

In their default state, Sasha seeks to help other citizens of the quarantine zone and the youth of Pittsburgh survive by spreading their knowledge in combat training, weaponry and self defense. They often are quite friendly, open on the surface and even charming when there is a need. Otherwise they may be difficult to read. They tend to deflect from uncomfortable feelings and situations with humor. All in all, it is quite a challenge to get to know them fully since they almost never reveal their inner motivations. However, it is not impossible if you pay close attention.

Backstory

During the outbreak

Sasha was born in Munich, Germany. They lived there until the age of 6. It was September 2000 when Sasha and their family went on vacation to Pennsylvania United States, to visit Jan’s relatives. The family was supposed to stay in the states for only a couple of weeks, then return home. Sadly, they did not get to properly enjoy their vacation as news of some dangerous infection started spreading across the world. It only took 24 hours from that point for everything to go up in flames. Major cities were destroyed first due to high population and risks that it posed.

Having been residing in the suburbs at the time of the bombing, the family of three along with Jan’s brother and his pregnant wife fled deeper into the country in hopes to put some distance between themselves and any type of infected. It worked for them for a little while, but eventually they ran out of gas and had to travel on foot. The family was lucky to have an old-fashioned radio that they found in the trunk of the car, which gave them hope by providing the coordinates of a list of several quarantine zones in the states. So they decided to head to the closest one ― Pittsburgh.

‘The journey there was no the easiest, as they had to face infected and even raiders at some point. But they did manage to find other people too. Decent ones, at that. Sasha did not remember most of the things that happened during their journey, but what they did remember was their parents brutal deaths. That day they were very low on water and the high temperatures outside did not help. The main wall of the entrance of the quarantine zone was already in their sights as the group slowly approached. Jan was injured due to the last encounter with the infected and therefore now had a limp. He was the first one to approach the qz, but did not manage to get inside. The ones on the look-out posts deemed him as infected and as a result shot him multiple times to rid themselves the risk of infection. Upon witnessing that, Julia abandoned the group and ran to her husband in hopes of saving him. Little did she know, Jan had already bled out and she was next. Both of Sasha’s parents were shot in front of them, leaving a 6-year-old child an orphan. All they had now was a group of people they were previously travelling with. One of them was named Marlene. She took Sasha under her wing after passing of their parents. The group decided not to try their luck trying to get into the quarantine zone, but ended up taking shelter elsewhere.

Life in Pittsburgh QZ

Two years later Sasha was taken in the quarantine zone as they were found outside the walls. It was a mystery how they got there and how they managed to survive. The child did not comment upon those aspects, only that they were starving and cold. Next thing you know, they were put in fedra school with the rest of orphans. From then on out they had one goal in mind ― finish that school and get a proper job to survive. Another twelve years had passed as Sasha had just finished fedra school and had a career path to take. There was a possibility to become a fedra officer, however given the responsibilities and the rest of the baggage, Sasha ended up choosing to be a trainer. They had a knack for weapons from a very early age and were constantly finding resources in the qz to come up with many unique styles and designs of weapons. Of course those “weapons” they constructed did not pose any threat since they were made out of wood and what not. But that mind full of wild ideas persisted into Sasha’s young adulthood giving them a chance to experiment with different knives, pistols, rifles and the rest of the firearms that fedra allowed them to get their hands on. These days Sasha spends half of their time training fedra students, making sure they are able to protect themselves and others. While off duty, they are unofficially training some citizens as well for a small fee. Everyone deserved a right to protect themselves, especially in a world like this. It was crucial to be able to defend others in time of need. Sasha was not able to protect their parents given how young they were all those years ago but knowing that they will make a difference by allowing others to have that opportunity, gave them strong motivation to keep at it.

[forgedqzs]

lux knew tristan, rather, knew about tristan. of all the officers, he seemed to be the one who took his job the most seriously. and that was great for him, not so great for her. befriending most of the officers worked in her favor, the majority looked the other way, or simply had bigger fish to fry than herself. tristan being there when she came from underneath the fence was not on her card for tonight. she could have sworn it was elijah on duty. she made note to scold him about it when she saw him next. she was normally so careful, her track record preceded her. tonight, she wasn’t so sure. maybe she was tired, maybe she let her ego get the best of her, whatever it was, she wasn’t going down without a good fight. she had a feeling this was going to take all of her charm, it was a good thing she had it in spades.

 at his words, a soft chuckle left her lips. “oh, darling, I must take a rain check. It is very late after all, what would people think?” she gasped playfully, clutching at the collar of her shirt, as if that was the most scandalous thing she’s ever heard. her eyes followed tristan’s as he glanced behind them, the station in the distance. he wasn’t going to charge her with anything. no one actually charged anyone around here. right? as far as tristian knew, she hadn’t done anything. and she intended to keep it that way. “a drink any day, just not being accompanied by paper work, kinda takes the fun out of drinking, you know?” lux’s eyebrows raised as the male stepped closer to her. she didn’t waver, didn’t move an inch. eye now back on the officer. “what, this?” she asked, her fingers clutching to the straps of the bag in question. “when did we make carrying bags around illegal? I did not vote yes on that amendment.” she teased, a smile spreading across her lips.  “you know, it’s almost curfew, if it passes and I’m standing here talking to you, that’s not gonna count against me, right, officer? because, technically, that would be your fault.”

[vanquishful]

it was clear then, that lux was not going to willingly do anything without a fight. perhaps not in a physical sense, rather playing the game her own way. it was admirable really, but tristan still had a duty to fulfill and this one here was standing in the way of that. ❝ do others' opinions concern you this much, miss chandler? ❞ first she had suggested him to offer her a drink, now she was refusing the said proposal. as charming as the smuggler was, lux was slipping. he'd rather not make everything more complicated, but this dance was not only up to him. she had to play her part as well and if they were not going to be in sync... the dance will definitely come to a sudden halt.

❝ that's one way to go about it. but, the drinking can also be prompted by the paper work. no one likes paper work... and neither do i. ❞ as much as he loved patrolling around the qz, finding all kinds of loose ends and loop holes and in the system, tristan dreaded the documentation portion of the job. the officers had to mark down everything so the higher-ups were informed about every small detail that was going on. that was some quality control when it comes to the citizens and how the place was being run, however that didn't mean it was a fun activity to indulge yourself in.

one thing about lux? she knew exactly how to waste time one's time and she did it so smoothly that tristan didn't realize just how long the two of them were standing there on the side of the street. besides, her reluctance to follow his orders only added up to the slightly irritation that had started simmering beneath the surface. ❝ i'm sure you know that it's not as much about the act of carrying the bag, but rather, the items that you are carrying in it, lux. ❞ it felt like it was time to pull the personal card for lux to see just how serious he was about it. if that would help her get her to drop her pretense act, he'd gladly use it against her again.

❝ follow me to the station, would you? ❞ not giving her a second to refuse his request yet again, tristan stepped aside as he took a few steps ahead of the smuggler, stopping not too far from her to make sure she did in fact, follow his lead. the last thing he needed was for her to make a very foolish mistake of running off, when both of them knew there weren't that many places to hide in the qz. ❝ don't worry that much about the curfew... you're already a suspect of something way greater, miss chandler. ❞

[misslutyens-deactivated20230624]

cooking had always been alana’s way to show love. since her father started to teach her the ways of the salty side of the task and her mother the sweet one at the tender age of five, alana had developed an intense, loving interest in it, and the more she learned, the more she fell in love with the ritual. she memorized recipes like her life depended on them, and unhurriedly, but surely discovered her way of seasoning her foods, all of them ultimately having a particular signature that revealed they were hers. she experimented thoroughly, always encouraged by her parents, making frustrating messes half of the time, yet succeeding widely the other one. alana loved cooking, loved the pleasure a well-cooked meal brought her and others, loved she could express herself and find a way to create something unique, loved the way flavors erupted against her tastebuds and the reactions she got from people every time they tried what she made. cooking made her happy and when she loved someone, she liked sharing that happiness with them.

and that’s the exact reason she was here now, pouring love and dedication in every step of everything she was doing in the small kitchen of tristan’s apartment. she adored doing this for whoever was lucky enough to earn it, but above all, she adored to do it for tristan. 

so everything around her was food. food and species and such a nice smell that made the place feel like a home, like every place felt, honestly, every time she cooked. the vegetables she had just chopped hissed the moment they entered into contact with the oil, quickly filling the ambiance with their soft, refreshing smell. alana smiled to herself, more than content with her current situation. she had come into tristan’s apartment an hour ago, lighted every candle she could find, and installed her small stove she usually fueled with gas on a corner of the kitchen. it wasn’t a huge device, but it worked well enough and her food always turned out delicious. 

humming a random tune, she covered the vegetables still in the making and turned her attention to the sauce slowly getting made on the second burner that suddenly started to simmer, so she cautiously stirred it with a paddle, using a new spoon to taste it.    “ hm, maybe ... a little more of paprika ”    she mused to herself, moving to rapidly wash the spoon and take the chosen species from the counter. she stirred the mix a little bit more before trying it again.    “ perfect ”    her lips upturned in a satisfied gesture and she switched off the burner, the remaining heat enough to finish cooking the sauce. 

making sure the vegetables in the pan still had plenty of water to not get overcooked, she turned around to check that everything else was in place. every dish was covered with an aluminum sheet she had gotten years ago from the smugglers and helped to keep the food warm for a considerable period, because she didn’t know what time tristan would arrive, always working late, always overworking himself, but he would, eventually, and she wanted his food to be warm still, even when he’ll probably be annoyed at her. now, him being annoyed or grumpy or rolling her eyes at every single breathing being was nothing new, so alana, truly, couldn't care less — he'd come around eventually, he always did. nevertheless, she smiled fondly at the thought of her gloomy friend, and took a piece of pear from the bowl filled to its limit with the fruit cutting into perfect slices, letting out a small sound of appreciation at the flavor and texture hitting her tongue — they were juicy and sweet, and a small sense of pride embraced her at the success of this particular reap. 

by the time she heard the key in the lock, alana was sitting at the table, relaxing with her current reading choice and a glass of water, and everything was ready. the aluminum cover of every dish was out and the wine was open, taking its needed amount of air to taste wonderful.

when tristan made his appearance at the entrance of the small kitchen, alana couldn’t help but snort at the view of his hand placed over his gun.    “ the last time? what— what last time? can’t remember, really ”    she played the fool, innocence in her eyes and an irreverent grin on her lips. then, at his new words, a new snort echoed from her throat.    “ oh, please, baby, ”    the endearment term was used with purpose and boldness, and she got up from her sit right after, making her way to him gradually, a little bit teasingly.    “ who would you bring here? are you fucking someone, by chance? ”    for all she knew, he could be, but the mocking in her voice couldn’t be helped anyway. with a full smile, alana turned around and grabbed a glass, carefully pouring a little bit of wine into it.   “ please, stop being a sour baby and join me. i cooked for you with all my love and dedication, and i could get my hands on an awesome wine, don’t you wanna have a little? ”    she half-sat in the corner of the table, looking at him while moving the glass in her hand in a slow, circular motion, tempting him with charming, big brown eyes. she will make him relent, she always did, she always won. besides, the house smelled amazing, and not even the foolest of humans would reject a feast like the one she had just prepared for him. She just had to wait, one second, two …

[vanquishful]

trying to avoid the thirtieth eye-roll of the day, tristan glanced around the small kitchen, allowing alana's words to quickly pass through his ears so he wouldn't need to react to it. one thing about alana? she loved the attention, all kinds, but especially the one that was a response of her teasings. it's like she could live off that alone. the mere thought of that caused the officer to mentally roll his eyes. sometimes she was simply insufferable and even that was probably an understatement. now that he thought about it, tristan found quite a challenge to find the term that would properly represent the woman. however, insufferable, for starters, that would do.

❝ don't start. ❞ tristan warned her in a low tone upon hearing the pet name that alana oh so irritatingly used to get under his skin. if he didn't know any better, he'd say she was trying to send him to an early grave. what other aspirations did she have, aside from that? and of course she had to know. he should've known by now that whatever he ended up telling her, the other would use against him and that was, sadly, inevitable. ❝ wouldn't you like to know...? ❞ he mused, more to himself than to her, while taking in the wonderful smell of the meal prepared before him. the kitchen was engulfed by it, actually. as much as tristan wanted to throw a fit deep down about it, alana's cooking skills were immaculate. the brunette was proud of it and she had very valid reasons to feel like it. very valid reasons.

as if the meal itself was not enough of a show, tristan's eyes soon landed on the bottle of wine currently placed in the middle of the kitchen table. the man couldn't help but watch the entire process of alana pouring that deliciously looking red liquid in her glass, probably wanting him to see it before she started swirling it in her glass which brought quite a nice sound to it. sound of extortionate wine. ❝ and how could you possibly have gotten your hands on such... pricey rich bottle? any ideas...? ❞ the officer commented while eyeing the possible suspect in front of him who looked pretty damn smug for someone who simply cooked a meal for him. too cocky for her own good.

he was starving, he had to admit that... and now that everything was already prepared it would be a massive waste if he didn't join alana. or... she could probably eat all of it or take the leftovers back home. and that right there... did not sound so appealing all out of sudden. tristan could still see in the corner of his eye alana watching his every move which brought even more shame to him. a deep irritated sigh left him as tristan rolled his eyes and stepped closer to the table, reaching to grab an empty glass which he started filling in with the delicate liquid. ❝ please remind me next time to keep an eye out for a certain brunette teacher, instead of trying to track down every smuggler in this place. ❞ he muttered lowly under his breath before slowly bringing the glass to his lips, taking his time to savor the first sip, closing his eyes as he does so. ❝ mhhm... not bad. ❞ god he hated admitting it. admitting anything positive that related to the annoying brunette. and yet... he kept doing exactly that. each single time.

[forgedqzs]

closed starter for @tristanshawqz Lux was very good at her job. A smuggler needed to be discreet, quick, and adaptable. She was all three and more. In the ten years she’d been at the QZ, she’d only had a handful of missteps. Most were very early on in her ventures, but in the last few years, she was damn near untouchable. Enter Tristan, who was just, way too damn good at his job. The other officers, she could give the slip no problem, they had bigger fish to fry than a low level smuggler, as one of them put it. But, Tristan? He was smart. And loyal to his position more than Lux ever counted on. Her only edge was that he’d never caught her red handed. She’d made sure of that. But, he’d seen her some…compromising positions. Whether it be out late at night, near the fences, at the gates, which Lux all explained away as happenstance. Her lines were good enough for those moments, it was a good thing she was so quick on her feet. If not, there’s no telling what would have been the outcome.

This time? She wasn’t as lucky. This has been a spur of the moment run, not nearly as calculated and planned out as her runs normally were. As she fixed the give in the fence she used to sneak in at out, she’d heard approaching. She begged and prayed it was someone normal, but unfortunately, as she turned, there he was. “Officer Shaw, I’m starting to think you’re following me.” She spoke, voice as calm and even as ever. Never letting on for a second that she was in fact nervous. Her gaze meeting Tristan’s with ease. “If you wanted to buy me a drink, you could just ask, it’s easier.” Always room for jokes, even in situations like this. Some would say that was her fatal flaw, but to Lux? That could be the smoking gun.

[vanquishful]

there were quite a few occasions here and there when some officers were required to work extra hours. of course, most of those times they'd get paid with ration cards, but tristan in particular, did not think about the payment part. instead, the safety of the citizens and the overall status of the qz was what actually was running through his mind any other day. so you guessed it. that late evening tristan, as per usual, volunteered to take the extra shift to walk the perimeter, check the walls, do the usual routine. when the sun set and it has gotten dark inside the walls, the chances of someone trying to slip and out of the qz skyrocketed. and from experience, tristan knew exactly where he was needed that evening. the curfew was probably ten minutes away, so most should've already returned to the apartments. that way, if someone actually tried to sneak out, even if only temporarily, any passing figures would be easily spotted.

and, to the officer's surprise, some strange low noises similar to those of coming in contact with metal chain links caught tristan's attention. now with a goal in mind, the officer stood still, awaiting the delinquent to reveal themselves. soon, the figure got through the fence allowing tristan a moment or two to recognize the stance of the person and soon enough the brunette hair with a very familiar face. one of the smugglers. lucia chandler. he wouldn't say he knew her well, although tristan had seen the other around the qz quite often. always so swift, smooth talker. definitely knew her way around the place. and people, for that matter. her record has been pretty neat up until now, as far as he recalled. and yet, something told him that was about to change.

❝ fancy a walk in the moonlight, miss chandler? ❞ a stern, yet polite voice called out for her as tristan still remained in his previous stance, not moving an inch. clearly, his presence there was not expected, as far as he could see. however, there were no obvious hints of disturbance on her face, or her body language. she was good. maybe, too good for her own good. a small humorless chuckle escaped him at her question, to which tristan glanced towards station the officers used for interrogating and reporting in citizens, already thinking about his next actions. ❝ oh, excuse my manners. would you like a drink, miss chandler? after we are done with the paperwork, that is? ❞ the officer inquired while taking slow yet sure steps towards the smuggler. ❝ i'll take that, please. ❞ now that he was right in front of her, tristan extended his hand towards her, indicating with a tilt of his head the bag that lux currently had secured on her back. he couldn't allow anyone bring in any illegal items outside the walls with them, not without a permit. and to his knowledge? lux did not have such in her possession at that moment.

[forgedqzs]

the more tristan spoke, the better maya felt. tristan seemed to have that effect on her, no matter if they were having a full length conversation or just speaking in passing. he made her feel strong and capable, something she never thought she'd actually achieve. she lived in a life where people often saved her. from her parents, to her siblings, her friends, her lovers. it seemed that was her main objective. to be saved. at first, she didn't mind that, she even liked it at times, but being seperated from her siblings, being on her own, truly made her realize how ill-prepared she was for the world around her. being in the qz, being around people like tristan, is exactly what she needed. at his words, she smiled, happily. "i really cherish our time together. any guidance you want to give me, i'll always be willing to hear it."

maya found tristan to be incredibly smart, she was lucky she got to have moments like this with him. each time, she felt like he rubbed off on her even more. he had so many qualities she admired, maybe more than she should. but, that wasn't her intention, at least right now in this moment.

"i feel like your sidekick or something, i think that's pretty cool." she beamed at the thought, truly. she thought so highly of the other that even a fictional situation where he'd ask her to help made her happy. "work is actually going pretty good, i miss you at the bar, you gotta come visit soon." she responded, with a small shrug. the bar was always exciting, between people dancing on the bars, to the drunken altercations, to the first dates, it was always a mystery what she'd run into. she was lucky enough to be able to be behind the bar to witness these things. "no complaints on my end, maybe a bigger selection, but that's just a dream in itself." she added, brushing her hair out of her face. "how are you? and the job? things calmed down since...everything went on?"

[vanquishful]

tristan never seemed to fail to notice just how willing maya was to learn new things, when most wouldn't even bat an eye to any of the comments the officer send their way. she truly was a breath of fresh air and seeing that bright smile on her face, which was quite an often sight, brought warmth to his heart. ❝ you know, you actually are. in a 'undercover sidekick' kind of way. ❞ his eyebrows had risen up at the time of his reply, spotting just how much joy this was bringing to the young woman beside him. a sidekick was definitely a great start, but he knew she had the potential to become someone way bigger than that, someone of more importance to the qz and he was definitely going to be there to help her get there.

❝ oh, i'll definitely make a comeback. ❞ tristan promised, searching for any reaction on maya's face. ❝ i've been missing those specials of yours. ❞ maya's custom created and/or adjusted drinks were tristan's favorites. the memories were still pretty vivid in his mind of how each time he'd end up in the bar, and if it was maya's shift, he made sure to order each and every drink of hers during his each visit. it was like a game of mystery, you never knew what you could get with maya behind the bar and it was on itself an exciting way to spend the rest of the time during weeknights.

❝ something is always happening around here, but... it has gotten a lot quieter now, in comparison. ❞ not a day went by without someone either filling complains, getting involved in illegal activities or better yet, sneaking outside the walls. so many unnecessary things that filled most of the officers' schedules, when in reality they could've been preoccupying themselves with actual duties. ❝ but we are managing. i mean, there are a few extra officers around now. so if anything happens, at all, feel free to reach out to any of them, or even myself, okay? ❞ he couldn't help but remind maya of her options. there was nothing more important than one's safety and he did not want anything bad happening to her. not even close.

[vanquishful]

closed starter for @misslutyens ― ( tristan & alana )

where: tristan's apartment when: late evening

it wasn't too common for tristan to return to his apartment at a reasonable hour. it was either this or that, something constantly coming up and pulling the officer away from the warmth of his personal spot. or rather, it was simply him making a decision, time and time again, to ignore the fact that he also needed rest because there were people who hadn't had that quiet peaceful time for themselves for a very long time. so why should he be any different? obviously he was not an exception, nor any kind of special to allow himself that. no. tristan had to work. keep the qz running no matter the cost. it was his way of bettering himself. continuously improving his skills, talents... becoming a better person. that is, if it wasn't too late for him to do so.

aside from him being a workaholic, one issue that was brought to his attention was his emotional unavailability to others. love had showed him as much. the wound of their break-up that was caused by him was still pretty fresh in his mind as much as in his heart. there was no way of knowing if it will ever heal... and maybe it shouldn't. a part of him did not wish for it. that might've come off as a way to torture himself further, but how else would he push his own limits? how else would he challenge himself to become the version of himself he envisioned all these years ago leading up to now? tristan needed a reminder, a constant one, of the things he had done. of the mistakes he made. it was the only way forward. those that decided to ignore them only sunk deeper, ruin more things, people, places, in their wake. that was not going to be the case for him. not anymore.

this particular evening was quite different from the rest. in a sense that tristan managed to reach his apartment by ten o'clock. it was an achievement the officer did not expect to gain. it's not like he decided to drop everything he had his hands on and leave. no. quite the opposite. he did go on a patrol not once, but twice. nothing came out of it. the rest of the officers seemed more than capable of handling their own. and as unfortunate as it was, this was one of those rare occasions where tristan couldn't come up with something else to occupy himself with. and that only meant one thing... he had to return to the place he resided. by himself. to the space that sometimes felt comforting, but other times quite cold. empty. like the void inside him he was desperate to fill. no matter what he did, no matter what he chose to fill it with... each time he failed to reach his set goal. and living with that void brought the intense feeling of dread for tristan. so perhaps, that was the reason why he was hesitant to come back "home".

he did though, stop by the bar, before coming back. if only he could waste few more minutes, few more moments somewhere else, he would. but it had reached the point of boredom and tristan no longer felt... welcomed. it was no longer his scene. just sitting there, having had ordered a few drinks. it was his cue to leave and yet... and yet he refused. well, mentally, that is. despite that, the officer forced himself on his feet and took the longest route back to his apartment. apparently that longest route only costed him extra 10 minutes. well, he supposed, that would also do.

tristan was not looking forward to stepping foot through those doors. and yet he did. he did so with confidence, as he usually does everything else, although the screams of contradictions could be heard in the back of his mind. it did not stop him from taking action, sadly. by the time he knew it, tristan had taken off his coat and hung it by the door, leaving the keys in the pocket after locking the doors. he was not in the rush, so he ended up taking in the view of his living room. empty and dark as ever. eyes closed now, slow and steady breathing taking forefront seat. listening. feeling. that is, until the subtle sounds of clicking of the china reached his senses which resulted in his eyes fluttering open. for a solid minute he was sure that was not what he had heard. the exhaustion was clearly affecting his body and mind. but then― then... he heard it again. coming from the direction of his small kitchen-dining room area.

no one really dared to break into his home, especially given his status, so he surely could scratch that possibility, right? calm steady steps approached the dining area as tristan spotted light coming from the hallway, directly from the doorway leading to the said area. candles. many of them. it's the main source of light they were using these days, so it was unmistakable. the only question that simmered in his mind ― who was stupid or naive enough to break into his place unannounced and given the late hour...? there was a short moment, barely a second, where tristan was plagued by doubt, fear. that was unusual for him. he wasn't sure when he felt that... itching feeling of unknown... it was clearly nagging at his brain, increasing his heart rate by the second. the officer slowly reached down to place his hand firmly over his pistol which was securely placed in the holster attached to his right thigh while he moved closer to the kitchen.

the first thing that came into his view was the dining table, small, although seeming pretty full... stacked. with food. meal. dinner...? everyone knew they could mostly eat at cafeteria outside, so not many had the chance to actually cook, nor did they have the necessary tools. and here it was... placed there, as if waiting for the host to return. the steam could be clearly seen subtly dancing in the air surrounding the table. and on one of the chairs there, sat a very familiar brunette. so familiar, in fact, that it brought him great annoyance. alana. ❝ i thought we agreed last time that it was going to be the last time. ❞ tristan pointed out, slightly amused as the corners of his lips slightly went upwards. she simply refused to leave him alone, in peace. always having to show up unexpected, surprising him with either dinners, hugs, compliments and more times than not, witty comments about how he should not be a stranger. right.

❝ what if i brought someone back here with me? would you be as content sitting there as you do now? ❞ both of them knew perfectly well that was not the case. tristan rarely, if ever, brought anyone back to his place and even then, it was once in a blue moon. he refused to admit that alana, or more like, simply her presence there influenced him to actually initiate small banters with her from time to time. it's like this hidden effect she had on people. or, perhaps, just him in particular. she was an annoying one, to say the least. ❝ sorry to say, but you do not seem the third-wheeling type, alana. ❞ the man approached the dining table, now properly taking into alana's profile. cheeky as ever. charming as always. there she was. prepared to rip him a new one (affectionally, of course. or, perhaps, not so much.)

[forgedqzs]

she knew tristan was right. she often saw the best in people, which wasn't inherently a bad thing, at least not to her. she knew one day it could get her into trouble. maybe she didn't want to face that reality, maybe she thought she was protected enough to never have to know. the answer was most likely a mix of the two, but as she walked with tristan and listened to his stern warnings and reminders, she knew the time was coming to be more aware, more in charge of herself and her sense of danger.

nodding along to what he was saying, she took every word in. "i understand, i know you're right." she spoke, softly, looking up at the other. "i know teaching me these things is probably not the easiest or best use of your time, but i just want you to know that i really appreciate you. and everything you've ever done for me." she said, keeping up the pace as they walked together. "i know you said not to trust every new person, and you're right. but i'm glad i trusted you. you've been more helpful than you will ever know." reaching out her hand, she placed it on his arm. "i know you're helping me, but i'm serious, if you ever need anything, i am here for you. you can always count on me, whether it's something like this or something small."

[vanquishful]

there was a clear pattern that tristan caught onto the more maya talked. all he had to do was listen. actually listen. the poor girl was putting herself down, probably not seeing herself worthy of his time, which was a great disappointment for tristan. how could she see herself in such a dim light? there was so much potential in her, so much... good. it was clear to him then that she ought to see it herself. and no matter how he ended up guiding her forward... the end goal was to be the same, regardless. maya had to see her worth and tristan was going to do everything to create the appropriate circumstances for her to realize it herself. ❝ don't talk like that about yourself, maya. this is exactly how i envision spending my valuable time. helping those that are in need, providing guidance to those that are willing to hear it. you are one of those few special people. don't ever forget that. ❞

the officer pointed out as his eyes searched for the other's reaction. to survive in such a world was on itself an accomplishment, but on top of that having such rare potential to better oneself, to improve, showed the true strength of a character that maya possessed. it truly was an honor for tristan to be able to explore that part of her and help her navigate through this newer version of life. tristan slowed down his pace once a weight shifted on his arm, realizing that it was maya who reached out to him. it was incredibly kind of her to offer even further help, when she already had accepted a not so tiny mission from him just moments ago. it was admirable and something he himself was striving for to this day.

❝ i appreciate that, maya. i really do. i will make sure to find you in case i need a hand. you'll be on top of my list of contacts from now on. ❞ a tiniest of grins escaped him, which was rare as snow in summertime, but there was something really precious that maya's energy gave off. something that needed to be protected. saved. valued. it was a light shining so brightly not everyone was able to see. but he did. from the very first moment they met. ❝ how are things... at work? i haven't stopped by the bar for quite some time. ❞ they came to a stop at some point during their conversation as now tristan turned to fully look at the woman before him. ❝ is everything alright? ❞ as busy as he was with his own created goals and missions and ambitions, tristan tried his best to find the time to check in with the few people he truly cared about. and it just happened that maya has become one of those people to him.

[vanquishful]

w0manstand1ng·:

Zara wasn’t used to treating this kind of injury, she’s had to at some point but this one was pretty bad and needed immediate care. “you’ll be alright, okay? The blade didn’t touch any artery… ” she tried comforting him even though with the terrible pain he was in, he probably didn’t care about what she was saying. “What’s your name, Sir? Stay with me…keep your hand pressed against the wound…just like this.. Good. ” Zara quickly pulled scissors out of a drawer and began slicing through the bottom of his shirt so that she could take it off without raising his arms, affecting the wound and causing him more pain. It looked as deep as she imagined and her first mission was to stop the bleeding. They were lucky enough at the tents to have clean cotton towels, they would normally use gauzes but well… it’s been a while since they finished their reserves and its not like they were still in production somewhere. Zara gently removed his hand from the bleeding wound and quickly replaced it with a towel soaked in a little bit of alcohol to be able to disinfect the wound before stopping the bleeding. “Focus on me, focus on my voice… I’m going to give you something for the pain then I’m going to stop the bleeding before stitching you up” She announced, putting his hand back on the injury while she was preparing a syringe with a very small amount of morphine to ease his pain as quickly as possible. . Unfortunately, morphine wasn’t easy to find twenty-three years after the apocalypse so they were rationed, but he should be fine for a couple of hours.

despite the piercing pain in his side, tristan somehow managed to keep his focus on the doctor, although for a very short period of time, but he did it. it was either this or fully being engulfed by the agony that he was currently in. so, as long as there was a chance to create a distraction to avoid it, the officer took it.  ❝  tristan. officer tristan shaw.  ❞  he replied as soon as he could, holding on to the task at hand as if it was the most important mission of his life. anything that would bring him further from the reality of the situation. at the same time the blood seeping through his fingers, coating his already drenched hand brought shivers to his spine. at this rate he could bleed out any moment now. the only comfort he got was the sweet but firm doctor’s voice, guiding him through the process. one moment his hand was tightly glued to his side, another it was pulled away only to feel sharper, burning feeling that literally forced a growl of pain out from him. ❝  let’s just get on with it!  ❞  tristan demanded now losing the patience he once had. the quicker they stitched him up the quicker he would heal. but as it seemed, the doctor was firmly set in her ways, determined to properly take care of the injury. all tristan did meanwhile was clench his jaw tightly and take deep breaths, hand still firmly gripping the wound as he awaited the woman’s following instructions.

[vanquishful]

DO YOU THINK FATE FAVORS DEATH?

Tristan Shaw playlist 'Taste of Revenge' consisting of fifteen original soundtracks can be accessed through HERE.

May the sweetness of vengeance carry you onward...

[vanquishful]

endureqz·:

“you’ll have to be more specific.” her voice was stern, not to give too much away, as she had other business to attend to that he might not have approved of. “there’s a few groups popping up here and there, nothing major from what i can see.” of course sierra would be reserved, even though they’d been business partners for the better half of her stay. that was her nature, she always kept a guard up even when it was benefiting her in the long run. trying not to tread on too thin of ice, she knew better than to agitate her main line of income. “no no, you’re a man of your word. anything you want me to go check out— tell me.” giving him a glance back, she nodded her head slightly to agree.

turning her body to face him, she was eager to hear what the man had to say. “ration cards, weapons, whatever you have double of.” a smirk rose on her face at the sound of that. although, as she thought about it she did have other arrangements that a permit would make much easier for her. with a tilt of her head, she recanted. “actually, this time i’m thinking something for out of the qz. i have something i need to look into that you could definitely help me with.” bartering was a passion of hers, anything that makes her job easier is something worth trying for. “how much do you need?”

tristan stared back at sierra, eyes narrowed, listening to her terms with intention. come to think about it, intel on it’s own was quite a broad term, so she really had a point there.  ❝  there is a group rumored to be in the southwest from here. ❞  he pointed out while watching the other’s reaction that could possibly give hints whether she knew of the group already or not. so far the bounty hunter was listening carefully and willing to collaborate.  ❝  they might be plotting against us. i need to know if it is necessary for me to step in. so, whatever you can get, names, their weapons, numbers in the group, plans if you do overhear them.. anything will do.  ❞  the more they knew the better, really. they did not need anymore enemies since the nature remained to be the most obvious and deadly opponent.   ❝  and about the meat.. something of medium size. not too heavy to carry but something that could last me a few days.  ❞  tristan had no doubts sierra would figure it out. always did. she was great at her job, that much he knew. and as long as she got something out of it, she was going to do it, which provided additional reassurance that the job will be done.  ❝  i’ll get you the permit tonight. the rest of the ration cards you’ll get after. as per our agreement.  ❞

[vanquishful]

everlaesting·:

         ❛ i know ,  of course  i know .  but- ❜  words  are  cut  short  by  a  sob ,  one  that  pushes  past  her  lips  and  makes  love  cover  her  mouth .  it's  embarrassing ,  she  doesn't  want  to  cry .  not  in  front  of  tristan .  after  a  few  seconds  and  a  couple  of  deep  breaths ,  love  continued .  ❛ but  it  still  hurt ,  tristan .  i  can't  pretend  it  didn't  and  i  know  it's  not  your  fault .  i  know  you ,  you're  kind  and  you  care  so  much  —  but  i  can't  prentend  i  wasn't  heartbroken .  it  wouldn't  be  fair  to  myself . ❜  and  love  knew  she  needed  to  start  working  on  this  aspect  of  her  personality ,  on  respecting  her  feelings  and  accepting  them .  no  matter  how  much  love  she  had  for  tristan ,  she  couldn't  ignore  the  pain  that  came  with  the  end  of  their  relationship .  if  one  could  call  it  that .  gently ,  the  brunette  brings  the  comforter  up  to  wipe  her  wet  cheeks  with  it ,  well  aware  of  how  ridiculous  she  must've  looked .  if  only  she  was  a  little  stronger ,  a  little  less  reactive .

            the  more  she  listened  to  tristan ,  tried  to  understand  his  reasoning ,  the  more  it  became  clear  to  love  that  he  never  meant  to  cause  her  any  pain .  on  the  contrary ,  he  seemed  terribly  upset  with  himself  for  it ,  and  it  hurt  her  to  know  so .  she'd  always  believed  he  shouldered  too  much ,  put  on  himself  the  weight  of  things  that  weren't  his  fault ,  nor  his  burden  to  carry  and ,  as  contradictory  as  it  may  be ,  she  didn't  want  the  end  of  their  relationship  to  be  yet  another  weight .  it  should've  never  been  one .  ❛ you  always  mattered ,  tris .  you  don't  need  a  reason  to  matter ,  or  someone  else .  i - i  know  this  may  be  difficult  to  believe  but  it's  true ;  you  should  be  your  own  purpose .  not- …  not  him . ❜  or  perhaps  she  was  just  bitter ,  knowing  how  much  pain  tristan's  brother  had  caused  him .  he  deserved  no  such  thing .  

            slowly ,  love  started  making  her  way  around  the  counter  to  approach  tristan ,  brows  furrowing  together  at  his  words .  ❛ fix  yourself ? ❜  something  about  the  statement  didn't  sound  right  to  her ,  didn't  sound  fair .  he  wasn't  broken ,  she  didn't  want  him  to  see  himself  as  such .  ❛ that’s-  that's  a  wonderful  idea  but  you're  not- …  you're  not  broken ,  tristan .  i  want  nothing  more  than  for  you  to  be  happy  with  yourself  but  please ,  don't  go  thinking  you're  this-  this  unpleasant ,  unlovable  thing .  it  couldn't  be  further  from  the  truth . ❜  and  though  it  might  sound  hypocritical  of  her ,  love  meant  it .  if  anything ,  she  was  the  one  who  needed  to  improve  herself ,  and  she  was  working  on  that .  bit  by  bit .  when  the  man  mentioned  his  tendency  to  take  more  than  he  could  handle ,  a  tiny  smile  played  in  the  corner  of  her  lips .  it  sounded  all  too  familiar ,  and  even  relatable  in  a  way .  ❛ you  don't  have  to  protect  me ,  tristan .  from  anything ,  including  you .  i  know  i  don't  look  like  it  but  i  can  handle  myself . ❜  and  while  he  did  break  her  heart ,  love  had  no  regrets  about  what  she  and  tristan  had  shared .  she  never  needed  his  protection ,  especially  not  from  himself .  a  shaky  breath  escaped  her  lips ,  searching  for  the  right  words  to  speak .  ❛ i- …  promise  you  won't  disappear  again ?  i - i  know  things  are  different  now ,  but …  you  mean  a  lot  to  me  and  if  you're  going  to  search  for  this  ’ solution ’ ,  i  want  to  be  there  for  you .  you  don't  ever  have  to  be  alone . ❜

the more tristan listened to what love was saying the more he wanted to straight up interrupt her, correct her on certain points. he didn’t want her to think that he was here only so they could pretend nothing happened, that the reality of the situation they were in didn’t pain them.  ❝  i know, love. i know.  ❞  the last thing he wanted was for love to try and push all of her feelings under the rug. it was never in the list of things they did. quite the opposite, actually. they were always transparent with each other. they had to be. that is.. until tristan wasn’t. he didn’t lie or hide his issues, it’s just that... he unknowingly slipped through love’s fingers. what a grave mistake to have made.

he felt the movement shift in the room as love’s steps approached him. there was something about her being heartbroken, clearly in pain and yet.. still being kind to him. that must’ve been such a strong sign of emotional maturity, something he yet needed to master. it was that aspect of this conversation alone that brought tristan closer to the breaking point. so much so, he didn’t feel like he was standing on the solid ground. nothing was solid about him anymore. nothing certain. just him... drowning in all these emotions he always tried so hard to suppress and here was love... literally acting like a trigger in all the wonderful ways, allowing him to properly open up, despite him not really wanting to.

❝  i’m not asking you to pretend... or forget.  ❞  tristan pointed out firmly as he fixed his eyes straight on love’s. she had to know this is not what he was trying to do. that was not his intention.  ❝  or forgive.  i’m not expecting that of you and i’d never ask you to do any of that. not after what happened. not after what i have done.  ❞  there was nothing he could say anymore that could fix the issue at hand. there was nothing he could do.. but watch love suffer and that was his greatest fear. and it, sadly, was a reality now.  but despite that, love pressed even further, trying to show him that he was better than he perceived himself to be. a deep breath escaped him as tristan closed his eyes shut, feeling them become watery all out sudden. why things had to be this hard...? why did he have to fuck up beyond repair..?

❝  you really don’t have to do this for me, love. not anymore. i don’t want to be your burden anymore and.. you deserve better. soo much better.  ❞  the officer let out yet another shaky breath and took an uncertain step forward just so he could extend his hand to gently grab hers, making sure she was reacting to him still. he had to set things straight. one way or another.  ❝  i’ll try... i’ll do what’s in my power to be more accessible to you, if that’s what you want. but knowing that my presence hurts you.. i can’t see you in pain, love. i just can’t. i won’t.  ❞ 

[vanquishful]

forgedqzs·:

maya hung onto each word tristan spoke to her, making mental notes of each location he was pointing out. she wanted to help tristan, wanted to make his job easier if she could. out of sight. she could do that. she was never one for the confrontation anyways, hanging back and observing was right in her wheelhouse. she was pleasantly surprised tristan trusted her enough to do something like this. she knew that meant probably way more than she knew, she was determined not to mess it up.

“i promise i won’t let you down, tristan. i can do this.” she reassured him with a nod of her head. she followed him out of the farm area, her head playing tristan’s instructions over in her brain, making sure she had everything she needed to do correctly in her head. “just one, and this one isn’t about the stuff i need to do.” she exhaled softly, meeting tristan’s gaze. “does this mean there’s people in the qz that are…trying to hurt people?” she asked, softly. she didn’t want to think that was the reality, or, at least she hoped it wasn’t the reality. “i didn’t think…i don’t know, i don’t want to believe people would do that to hurt us. the infected, sure, but…the people inside the qz?”

tristan could literally see how wheels were turning inside maya’s head. he wanted nothing more than to answer any and all of her questions, if she had any. in current circumstances, you could never be too careful. soon enough, maya confirmed his expectations by shooting another question his way. although, it was not directly related with their main topic of interest, tristan welcomed all concerns the other one carried.  ❝  take a walk with me.  ❞  that’s all he said before he began walking away from the farming plot, now heading down the street with maya following suit. there was no need for anyone to see them lingering about the area in question. wouldn’t do them any good by staying there.

❝  to answer your question... there is a strong possibility.  ❞  back then, when he first took her under his wing, tristan promised her not to lie to her and he wasn’t going to. he won’t sugarcoat things, just to keep her “safe”, as others often did. they were doing exactly the opposite. they had to know the reality of the world they are living in, otherwise how could you possibly grasp the importance of survival? how could you prepare for something you aren’t aware of is happening?

❝  people are dangerous, maya.  they always have been. they can be ruthless, they could not only hurt others, but kill. and in the world we are living in right now? they can be even more dangerous than the infected themselves.  ❞  they could protect themselves from the infected, build a strong wall to separate the two worlds, but people? people often wore masks and it was nearly impossible to tell who was genuine and who was a wolf in sheep’s skin. people were lethal.  and maya had to be aware of that, were she to succeed in this life.  ❝  if i were you, i wouldn’t trust every new person that reaches the qz. you can never know where their true intentions lie.  ❞ 

[vanquishful]

endureqz·:

“oh– you’re always needed somewhere.” sierra laughed it off, in a snarky manner, before shaking her head in an immediate yes. tristan knew her soft spot when it came to getting jobs done, and it was easy to leverage that against her. as much as she wanted to stay inside with the rest of them, whenever rations are brought up she comes running. extra rations? absolutely she’s in. she’s impulsive, selfish, and rude but she’s not an idiot. she knew she was going to say yes she just liked to hear him beg a little, for her own amusement of course.

“are you kidding? there’s always something suspicious going on. but that’s not apart of my job, so i don’t care.” a light shrug left her shoulders as she continued. “you want me to look into that further, then you’ll have to give some incentive.” she stated in a matter of fact tone as she glanced over to him, trying to read the look on his face, before turning back to the bulletin board to ‘read’ once more. “don’t insult me.” a smirk fell on her face at his comment, as if there’d be a bounty hunter as good as her. “half now half later, that’s the deal.”

tristan was good at not taking such situations personally. for example, having sierra mock him from time to time having that solid pride about her and what she could offer. that was the reason why he chose her as his primary bounty hunter contact. however, sometimes she got very close to crossing certain lines. her perception of herself allowed her to be bold, maybe too bold at times. if you rewarded someone generously, it was only a matter of time before they turned greedy. then again, he did need her services and as long as she was willing to do the job, he was going to continue paying her for it.

❝  i thought we have discussed it before. intel. that’s primarily what i’m interested in. aside from food.  ❞  tristan felt the need to remind her of their deal, had she forgotten their agreed terms from back before. perhaps it’s been a while. people do forget things. especially when that’s not really what their focus is on.  ❝  have i ever not followed through with my end of the deal?!  ❞  with that tristan tilted his head to meet sierra’s gaze. as far as he recalled, he had always paid on time or even in advance of the job being completed. so, what was it that she was seeking for this time around?

the officer cleared his throat as he turned to fully face the bounty hunter, wanting to be upfront with her and clear the air, if there was any need for that.  ❝  i’ll pay you double.  what kind of payment do you want?  ration cards, as per usual?  ❞  it was no secret between tristan and his ‘business partners’ that sometimes on rare occasions tristan provided them with special benefits, like giving out permits to leave the qz or to own a certain item, guns, granting first spot at any line. for each person, there were different needs. all tristan wanted now is to find out hers.  ❝  a deal is a deal.  ❞  with a firm nod, tristan confirmed her terms.

[vanquishful]

w0manstand1ng​:

Zara’s eyes dropped directly to his bloody hand who was holding his side. It didn’t take her long to understand that his injury was rather deep and important by the way blood seeped through his fingers. It didn’t look coagulated which meant it was still bleeding profusely. Dropping immediately what she was doing, Zara walked over to him, her welcoming smile changing into a more serious and worried expression on her face. Injuries like this were rare here, she had to consider every possibility. Was he shot? Stabbed? Bit?. “There’s no way I’m letting you walk out of here in this condition. Please lay down on the examination table.” she replied, offering her shoulder to help him walk over to the table in the middle of the room. “What happened? Were you bit? How long have you been like this? ” the doctor asked before she could see what his injury looked like.

the expression on the other’s face said it all. it wasn’t good. that much was clear and yet tristan did not feel the fear of death looming over him all out of sudden. he had been on that slippery edge before. although, that did not mean he could safely escape it, this time around.  ❝  it’s.. it’s fine. it doesn’t feel that severe, anyways.  i’ll manage.  ❞   quite a poor attempt of conviction, there, given that the doctor even paid enough attention to what he was saying. she was way more interested in making sure he got a chance to breath until sunrise. upon her request to lay on the examination table, tristan huffed due to exhaustion and slowly leaned against zara, who in turn, led him to the table. with a frown, tristan inhaled deeply already knowing that he was about to be in serious pain. though, no matter what he did, nothing prepared him for it.

❝   ffffuck!  ❞ tristan spat bitterly as he forced himself to hop on the table and lay down, struggling to move anymore as one of his hands were preoccupied by preventing an open wound and even more blood loss.  ❝  an unfortunate encounter with a raider...wasn’t quick enough to dodge his strike with a machete.  ❞  at this point he was blurting things out as his vision started becoming somewhat unclear. like he was drugged or something. like he was drunk. he knew the sensation well, but in this situation... it was not a good sign.  ❝  look, i got back as quick as my horse carried me... like 5 minutes? 10.. tops.  ❞ it was quite a blur all together given how things escalated so quickly. if it was meant for him to survive, tristan would treat it as a miracle, because so far, he felt his entire body giving out.

[vanquishful]

everlaesting·:

           ❛  i’m telling you i’m fine .  is  that  not  worth  anything ? ❜  he  was  right  though ,  she  knew  better .  she  knew  how  detrimental  it  was  for  her  to  not  have  eaten  for  days ,  to  prioritize  other  people  instead  of  herself  when  she  was  also  important .  and  yet ,  she  didn't  want  to  give  him  reason .  it  was  petty  of  her ,  yes ,  but  love  wanted  to  give  herself  that  right .  she  felt  like  she  might  deserve  it .

             it  was  when  his  gaze  found  hers  that  love  knew  she  might've  gone  too  far ,  just  as  she  feared  she  would .  still ,  there  was  no  way  to  back  down  now ,  not  when  she  felt  the  need  to  be  heard .  tristan  owed  her  that .  ❛ yes ,  exactly !  like  you  care .  don't  do  that .  i  matter  to  you ? ❜  an  unamused  chuckle  escapes  her ,  a  mixture  of  anger  and  sadness  beginning  to  brew  in  love's  heart .  ❛ oh ,  oh !  did  i  also  matter  when  you  pushed  me  away ,  when  you  stopped  coming  over  despite  my  countless ,  infinite  notes  asking  you  to ?  did  i  matter  then ?!  you  don't  leave  the  people  you  care  about ,  tristan ,  especially  when  you  know  how  much  it  scares  them ! ❜

            and  then ,  love  realized  something .  he  knew .  whether  it  was  due  to  her  calling  theo's  name  when  hearing  a  knock  on  the  door  or  for  some  other  reason ,  tristan  knew ,  and  she  never  meant  for  that  to  happen .  not  yet ,  not  like  this .  ❛ don't  bring  him  into  this , ❜  she  tells  him ,  her  bottom  lip  trembling  just  a  bit  as  she  can  feel  her  eyes  begin  to  water .  ❛ this  has  nothing  to  do  with  theo !  you  have  no  idea  how  awful  i  felt  after  you  left ,  how  much  i  cried  because  of  you  for  months  and  months .  if-  if  i'm  here  now ,  it's  because  i  had  people  looking  out  for  me  —  people  like  him .  so  don't  you  dare  bring  him  into  something  that's  between  us ! ❜

          still ,  it  hurt  to  hear  tristan  compare  himself  to  someone  else .  she  knew  he  had  a  tendency  to  do  that ,  always  had ,  but  it  hurt .  especially  when  there  was  nothing  wrong  with  the  person  he  was ,  nothing  that  could  justify  being  to  mean  to  his  own  self .  ❛ you're  being  mean ,  tristan . ❜  a  tear  falls  down  her  cheek ,  head  shaking  dismissively .   ❛ you  know  i  would  never ,  ever  ask  you  to  change  anything  about  yourself .  you  don't  ask  that  from  the  person  you  love .  i  didn't  need  you  to  be  more  like  theo  ,  like  anybody  else ;  i  needed  you  not  to  shut  me  out ,  and  that's  exactly  what  you  did ! ❜

one moment he was more than ready to tell her everything, how much she really meant to him, how he didn’t want to argue, how he didn’t want her to suffer. but it all faded in a flash as love’s pained tone reached his ears. the things she was saying left him completely and utterly stunned. everything that she was feeling in this very moment was his fault. she was hurt. she was left on her own all this time suffering. crying. for months. months. experiencing a heartbreak so severe, no one deserved to go through. how come he was so fucking blind to it all? how come he was unaware of how much pain love was carrying in her precious little heart all this time? he was the cause of all that pain. it was all his fault. he had left her fully knowing what that felt like. what abandonment felt like. he ruined the one precious and innocent thing he had sworn himself to protect from the rest of the world... when in reality, instead of trying to protect her from somebody else, he needed to protect her from himself first.

unable to continue holding his gaze on hers, tristan returned his attention to the counter, lowering his head somewhat as he extended his hands, placing them on the said counter only to grip the edges quite tightly. he desperately needed to feel a physical connection. of any kind really. he had to ground himself. yet no matter what he did, or how much he tried... he couldn’t prepare for conversation like that. he could no longer avoid it. he couldn’t run from it and pretend it didn’t exist. it wouldn’t be fair to her. to either of them.  ❝  it was never my intention to... to hurt you.  you must know that. ❞  he barely manged to get it out, but the conversation had only just started.  ❝  there is no excuse.  ❞  tristan spat through gritted teeth. there. was. no. excuse. whatever reason he could give her. it didn’t mean anything. it wouldn’t make her feel better. it wouldn’t heal her heart.

❝  i thought-.. i thought we had more time. that i had more time to.. to take care of other things. i didn’t expect it to get out of hand like this.  ❞  a long inhale and exhale followed. it felt like the ground beneath him was trembling, threatening to crumble to tiny little pieces until only dust remained. he was standing on very thin ice and he did not have enough time to make it to the shore.  ❝  i was chasing ghosts in the external world ever since he left.. that’s all that gave me purpose... that made me matter.  ❞  it was in that moment that tristan realized just how wrong he was. all of the things that he did only to satisfy his own ego. to prove his importance. when no one really cared... no one but her. but it was too late now. she did not want him there. she did not want to hear him. or see him, for that matter. she was moving on.  ❝  i’m still doing it.. i’m trying to fix it, fix me, by looking for something out there... when maybe, just maybe.. i should be searching for a solution within.  ❞ he had no idea how to make it happen just yet. those were barely revelations, a wake-up call. one that will hopefully push him into doing something about his behavior since he really needed to get his priorities straight if he ever wanted to have valuable connections on a deeper level.  ❝  like i said, there is no excuse, love. it’s just-.. my mind has been plagued with this need to take more than i can handle and it’s all i think about.. about how i can’t protect anyone... i couldn’t protect him. i couldn’t protect you from myself... i failed you and myself and such an act can no longer be undone.. ❞

[vanquishful]

forgedqzs·:

at tristan’s words, she did exactly what he instructed her, putting the weapon back where she found it. she didn’t ask any questions, she could hear it in his tone that he was serious about it. carefully and quickly, she made sure it was as hidden as it was before she came upon it. she didn’t know what tristian’s plan was, but if he was telling her something, she was gonna listen. she was glad she didn’t bring it to him like she initially had thought before she ran to get him.

as she stood back up, she dusted herself off, putting the tool she used back where she found it. she then joined the empty space next to tristan, looking up at him as he explained. “oh..oh my god, i didn’t even think of that.” she spoke, quietly, shaking her head. she would have been at lost had she gotten in trouble for that. “you want…me to be a spy? me?” she asked, her eyes going wide at the thought. she never saw herself as someone anyone would ask to do that, let alone an officer. she was trying to be braver, trying to be stronger like her friends were. this could be her opportunity to do just that. “no, i..i want to. i want to do this.” she said, not nearly as confident as she wanted. so she repeated. “i want to do this for you. i can do that and i think i could do it really well.” she looked tristan in the eyes. “if i…see someone or see something, do i do the same thing? i just come and find you? what if by the time i find you they’re gone? and i don’t know who it is?” and that was just the fraction of the questions swirling around in her head. she wanted to be thorough , leave no stone unturned.

there was evident doubt coming from maya’s tone, perhaps even fear. tristan understood it well. certainly she didn’t do undercover jobs like this every day. which made him reconsider his proposal. to a certain extent tristan regretted even opening up to her about it. it could get her into trouble and it was the last thing he wanted. however, the more maya talked the more persistent she sounded making him wonder just how much she wanted to do it. ❝  look, if you are to do this... you’ll have to be out of sight.  ❞  tristan muttered as he gazed from maya to the building straight across the street. this could actually work out.

❝  see the apartment complex right in front of us? you could watch the entire farming plot from there. sixth or seventh floor. you’ll get binoculars too. whatever else you may need.  ❞  whoever hid the gun most likely will not expect someone on their tail. and even if so, they had to come prepared as well.  ❝  i’ll get you a permit for you to be able to access the building for a full week. as a... cleaner. your “side job”  ❞  the plan was decent so far. who knows, they might just come out of this victorious.

maya’s next question brought tristan’s attention back to her. he was glad to see that she was thinking ahead. considering all possible actions beforehand as it was crucial part of coming up with a good strategy. good plan.  ❝  you’ll keep watch and track who’s coming and going. once you spot someone suspicious, make sure to check the direction they are headed. from this apartment building you can easily see the entire street and other openings. chances are you will recognize them. if not, make sure to pay attention to their outfit, the way they carry themselves, anything at all. it might give us very valuable clues on their position within the qz and more.  ❞  with a nod tristan mentioned most of the aspects that he could’ve thought of in the moment and went through all the details in his head. it wasn’t perfect, but they would make it work.  ❝  once they are at a considerable distance and you know more or less where they are headed come and find me. no word to montana or anyone else for now, okay?  ❞  it was pivotal that she didn’t reveal their intentions to anyone. who knows who might be the one hiding the gun and what kind of connections they had already formed. the officer entered the street, leaving the farming field behind him only to turn around and face the younger woman once more.   ❝  any other questions?  ❞