Don't Speak

Angie Vasquez, 35, math teacher. "I'm gonna leave the past behind, I've had enough, I'm breaking free. No pressing stop, erase, rewind that chain of thought that followed me."

[snowhcven-deactivated20190328]

Pasts Revealed | Dylan & Angie

[vasquezangie]

As someone who hid her pain behind a laugh and suffered because of it, Dylan understood that being unable to do so was healthier. It wasn’t a quick fix, a band-aid they could rip off and smile about. She wasn’t ready to be over the whole ordeal in a matter of seconds either, no matter how much she wanted to underneath the hurt feelings. Dylan bit her bottom lip when Angie spilled the family scenario. She wasn’t sure how she felt about them let alone seeing them. 

“Uh…” And she paused for awhile, berating herself for starting off a sentence she couldn’t complete. Dylan was grateful that Angie hadn’t let them come and surprise her, holding the ordeal off until the younger woman was ready. She had decided already that now didn’t seem the right time - not until she knew more about them and could fix herself up to not be so…well, herself. Dylan smiled weakly, “Maybe wait a few more days. But yeah, I mean, it’d be good, right? To meet my birth family.” She was talking to herself aloud now, shaking her head to snap out of it. 

Angie waited for Dylan’s response, not wanting to push her or anything like that. “Of course, it’s your decision anyway. If you don’t wanna see them, let me handle that. If you do, let me handle that as well. Just don’t worry about it.” She nodded, trying to let the girl know it’s definitely her call to make, and not anyone else’s. She didn’t want to make her to say something just for the sake of being polite or kind, she wanted her daughter to do what’s best for her, and in that case Angie can’t really say that ‘mother knows best’ when the mother and daughter doesn’t really know each other.

“If you think it would, than it would. If you’re ready. I mean-” She stopped to think for a second. “I know I’m a little biased, but they’re great people. Really. As long as you want to meet them, they’ll be happy to meet you.” She explained. “I think we could wait for as much time as you need to, sweetie.” She wasn’t sure if she hit a nerve when she called her that, as she automatically called everyone by a nickname. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder what effect in has on Dylan.

[snowhcven-deactivated20190328]

Pasts Revealed | Dylan & Angie

[vasquezangie]

Unable to hide the small, amused and strangely moved smile that crept up onto her lips, Dylan crossed a hand over her heart, “No laughing at you. With you however.” She didn’t; she could tell Angie was admitting something embarrassingly personal, and would throw a fit if Angie treated her with any less respect in the same situation. It was nice to see her birth mother smile, though she wouldn’t care to admit it - yet. Dylan nodded her head when Angie went on. She understood she had been given up for closed adoption, which was already a question in her head, but she didn’t ask because she assumed the answer. 

Hearing Angie add that she thought to find Dylan after the legal age reminded the younger brunette of all those nights bearing the hug of her fake foster mother, who didn’t give a shit about her when she turned eighteen. It was the last home of the system she would ever be in. She was too far gone at that point, too tainted by the bad crowd of that area. The same crowd that showed her what it really meant to be in a gang. Maybe she needed someone to force some sense into her, maybe then things would have gone better and not spiraled out of control. Rubbing her hands together, Dylan tweaked Angie’s words, “I didn’t change my name the first time. The second time, yeah.” 

It was her turn to quiet down again, and watch as Angie said all of the things she dreamed of hearing from her birth mother as a kid. Responding to that was completely impossible for Dylan. She wouldn’t know where to begin. The younger woman chewed on the inside of her cheek, deciding to steer the conversation onto a different point of Angie’s admission, “No one has? So..like..?” Like, other family? Did they know she was there, with Angie? Had she already told them Dylan was a pain in the ass and was as hard as a rock and took hell to crack open? It sounded right, but Dylan was painfully insecure about herself if that was their starting image of her person.

“I’m not ready to laugh about this yet.” Angie chuckled, thinking this conversation is too much of an open wound right now to actually makes jokes about it. When it’ll heal, it will be funny. Now she’s still stressed, though Dylan’s remark made her to feel much more at ease; laugh with her. Somehow, the two became a little bit closer now, being able to actually have a proper talk with each other without avoiding one another or trying to get drunk to forget about the other girl. Finally, it was a conversation. Asking questions and answering answers.

Angie almost giggled. “My mother has been bugging me for days that she can’t hold it in anymore and she’s dying to grab a plane and come over here to meet you, but I told her not yet, that you’re not ready yet. My whole family basically wants to kill me because I won’t let them come.” She confessed with half a smile. “Should I tell them it’s okay to come or?-”

[vasquezangie]

“He seems really, really funny.” She said when they spoke of Michael. “And I’ll look forwards to meeting Quinn as well. And yeah, Sawyer seems like fun as well.” She nodded, remembering her first run-in with the guy. “Anyway, is school out for the year now? What’s that like?”

“They’re all really great.” Angie finished, nodding her head with agreement. “Well, definitely less stressful and I do lots more of private tutoring!”

[vasquezangie]

“When it’s happening to someone else and you’re standing to the side, drinking a beer and eating popcorn while watching the awkwardness unfold?” Quinn offered, pretending to sound very very convincing and smart while doing so. She grinned then, noticing quickly that maybe Angie wasn’t exactly in the mood for playing around right now, which instantly concerned her. “Oh, he’d love that! She assured her when the subject fell on Jamie again. "I bet he would behave nicely for you though. The little man adores you.” She smiled, but then quickly wiped it from her face again when she heard Angie’s next words. “What? She's— she’s in Southport?!”

“Ha ha, nice, but you know that’s not what I meant.” Angie teased the other woman, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Well then, go ahead!” She exclaimed, looking more like her usual self when she did so. “Aw, well that feeling’s totally mutual.” Her face lit up when she mentioned Jamie liking her; she needed to hear that right now. If Jamie adores her, how bad of a person she can be? “Uhm, yeah, she is. And it’s very confusing.” She admitted.

[vasquezangie]

“I have met her. Though I feel as if she was disappointed by my sobriety. I understand I am not one for conversation and being personable, but she did approach me the other day while I was working on my truck.” he shrugged. The encounter hadn’t been significant in his mind. “I could gather that she has not yet made friends, though she is looking for people her own age. She pointed it out to me that we were within two years of each other. Though with that being said, she is not someone I see a lasting friendship with. She appeared to be intrigued by mundane things like mechanics and math. But- I am sure she is a nice girl…I just do not see a friendship blossoming between the two of us easily. In truth I found some of her comments, to be annoying. Though that is my problem and not hers.” 

“Oh, it’s okay.” Angie shrugged as she took the last sip out of her coffee and sighed. To be honest, the fact that Charlie didn’t find Dylan to his liking didn’t say a lot about her as a person; the young man can only befriend people of a certain kind, or those who are willing to make amends for him. The older woman never considered social interaction to be an effort and made friends easily wherever she went, and she couldn’t ever imagine to have troubles in the interpersonal area, if she’d wipe out her high school years. “I hope she’s a nice girl.” And if not, hopefully she’ll let Angie to make her one. 

[vasquezangie]

“If I may be so bold as to ask- drawing conclusions from this conversation, and conversations I have had with individuals here in Southport- your daughter is here in town currently. Meaning that she is living somewhere, possibly with you, meaning that- if that were the case, then I should apologize to you. During the ending days of Summer Week there was a persistent 20 year old female who I had, partaken in drinking with. Though I can assure you nothing else had happened, I feel that since I can safely discern that if that same girl is your daughter…I allowed her to drink underage.” Charlie began to put some pieces together in his mind, making his logic sound. “You may feel free to neither confirm nor deny, I don’t know how emotional you currently are, but is your daughter’s name Dylan? If so- then I would have to say she is a confusing individual and appears internally emotional and externally tough, and apparently finds math not to her liking.” 

Oh goodness, could Charlie have met Dylan already? “She is- um, staying with me. Oh, well- don’t mind it, I think what I did in Summer Week was way worse.” She shuddered, regretting what she said the minute it left her mouth. “Anyway, I don’t think I’m really allowed to tell her what to do, considering I’m not even her legal guardian or whatever. I won’t harbor you.” She gave him a half smile, wondering if really for a moment he thought she’d be angry. “Yes, you’re right. You’ve met her?” She asked. “Yeah, that sounds like her.” Confusing individual who appears internally emotional and externally tough is probably the most exact evaluation of her daughter. She just wasn’t aware that she doesn’t find math to her liking- usually she would feel a bit depressed over not sharing interests, but right now she was just glad to know anything about her.

[vasquezangie]

Charlie realized that this must be a seriously deeply rooted issue for Miss Vasquez. It was moments like these that intimidated Charlie when talking to people who were more normal than he was. He couldn’t compare emotional problems with others, all he could do was look at a situation logically and reason with the outcome. Though he took comfort knowing that Miss Vasquez was looking for more logic and less emotion in the conversation they were having. Taking in a mental deep breath, Charlie began to analyze the situation in his mind before speaking for once. “At what age had you given this daughter up for adoption? Most unwanted or unplanned pregnancies happen within the age of around 14 to 25 years, which coincidentally is also the same age bracket that accounts for fifty percent of all new STD cases in our nation.” he began muttering before picking back up. “Logically- if you were to fall within that age bracket, I could see where adoption would be to your benefit. You would not have been emotionally ready or financially stable to handle a child on yourself. You should not feel at fault, the multiple variables involved once you legally signed the child over to the state are the state’s issues. While corruption within our legal system when it comes to foster children is a current issue of debate, I still claim that whatever resentment you harbor or this daughter harbors, is not logical or rational to retain. Logically explain to your daughter, she will process, and if she rejects the scenario from your past, then that is that. People have too many unexplained variables and unannounced problems, it’s almost impossible to communicate with them in a reasonable setting. Perhaps you need to wait for when the two of you are not so emotional.” 

As she watched Charlie take a couple of minutes to analyze the situation from afar, Angie wondered if this is really a good idea to share her problems with a former student who might be personally biased due to their history or have his opinion of her changed once he learned about her past. However, after a few moments of wondering she realized who she’s talking to: Charlie Masud, arguably the most unbiased, impersonal guy she knows. She decided to not over think and let him do the talking. “Um-” She wasn’t aware of the young man’s amount of knowledge in the area, but she wasn’t even surprised anymore; Charlie seemed to be a human encyclopedia. “I was 15, and luckily STD free.” The woman answered shyly and drew a deep breathe. It was embarrassing to her to admit her previous actions, since there was a part of her that still viewed Charlie as her student.

“I’ll try to talk sense, but I think emotions are getting in the way.” Angie sighed, and thought how lucky Charlie was for not being bothered with those kind of feelings. “I think you might be right, perhaps we need to wait a little longer before taking the next step.”

[vasquezangie]

“I believe that is the first time anyone has ever thanked me for acting as such.” Charlie gave Miss Vasquez a cordial smile and small chuckle. He had to admit that it was still odd to be speaking to his old math teacher, but in retrospect he should have realized that people his age were pining after actors and actresses Miss Vasquez’s age, and dreaming they could converse with that age bracket. Though Charlie knew this situation was unlike that, he could concede in his mind that Miss Vasquez was no longer his teacher and now a town peer. “You- I was not aware that you had a daughter. Is she biological or legally obligated to be yours?” 

“I hope it wouldn’t be the last.” The world needed more logical people, and this quality should be more valued among society rather than banned because of the “lack of emotionalism”, a trait that Angie, as an overemotional person considered to be over appreciated. “Well, because she’s only mine biologically. I had to give her away for adoption.” The woman admitted, surprised that Charlie even came up with the possibility of her not even being her daughter by law. “Now 20 years later, she’s here and apparently had an awful life, and I can’t help but to feel this is all my fault. Hence- loathing and familial issues, sort of.”

[vasquezangie]

“Who would I discuss this subject with anyway?” Charlie said matter-of-factly. He wasn’t one to talk about private discussions. “It has already been mentioned that I lack the proper communication skills to ‘gossip’ effectively. And- not to be rude, but whatever problems you yourself are feeling are of little consequence to me. I would much rather discuss major changes in the world that affect multiple people instead of just one insignificant problem.” Charlie bit his lip after a moment though. He had hoped he hadn’t offended her. “I don’t mean that you are insignificant though, that was not my intention..” he sighed. 

Angie’s face lit up. “Oh my goodness, Charlie, thank you so much for not caring at all.” She smiled honestly; frankly, she doesn’t need anyone’s sympathy, she needs an advice. And he was right, she was stupid to think the young man was even capable of gossiping. “I- no, I know you didn’t mean it like that.” She nodded her head with a chuckle, finding it funny to see Charlie trying to cover up his bluntness. “Well- urgh.” Now the words didn’t leave her mouth. “It’s my daughter, kind of.” She looked down, her face shut down again.

[vasquezangie]

“I’m sure they do, but most people with a lower IQ than me tend to not have anything in common, or I wind up having to over explain myself when having a conversation. Not to be rude, but most of the time when talking to someone for the first time, I feel as if I am giving a lecture rather than having a conversation.” he shrugged it off though, since most of the time he tended not to talk with people anyway. He’d learned long ago that it was easier to let them approach him with a subject matter than the other way around. “I am no expert in the field of psychology, but I do know from a mechanical standpoint, if something is not working right, it’s best to analyze the problem, fix it, and make sure it functions properly again. And while you are not mechanical- maybe you are in need of some outside analyzation?” 

Angie wondered how everything that leaves Charlie’s mouth makes so much damn sense. Every sentence that the boy uttered seemed like it was quoted from some kind of a book or something along those lines, and she could see why it must’ve been scary for him to approach others, and why it would be hard for others to approach him, or try to understand him. That’s why he was bullied harshly in high school. “Well, I guess.” She gave up. “But Charlie- can you please do me a favor and not tell anyone about this? I don’t really want to become a topic for the gossipers in town.” While she had no trouble telling the story to her closest friends, she preferred things would stay unknown. The last thing she needed right now was to be ridiculed or pitied by the folks in Southport. 

[vasquezangie]

“I am fine. I find that I have adjusted quite easily to living with a female roommate. We have physics in common, and she has a reasonably high IQ which makes conversation less, intimidating.” Charlie has a small smile on his face before looking over at his old math teacher and seeing that there was something wrong with her. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he knew it was there. “Are- you sure that you are fine? Or are your familial issues and loathing affecting your daily life? If that happens, I have been told it is better to talk about it than to, ‘bottle it up’.” 

“Oh, that’s nice! I’m sure she’s lovely.” Angie smiled briefly. “You know, most people find it intimidating to talk to a person with a higher IQ, actually.” The older woman chuckled, amused by the thought of Charlie having to feel nervous because his potential conversationalist might be too dumb to understand him. She was never intimidated by people who’re smarter or dumber than her- Angie believed that everyone are equal and no one should feel like he’s better than her, or she shouldn’t act like she’s above everyone else. However, now there was a little part of her wondering if Charlie ever felt intimidated to talk to her because her presumably lower IQ. “I’m- I’m not sure.” Is she really having this conversation with him? “Well, whoever told you that is right.”

[vasquezangie]

“Oh really?” She smiled at Angie, and then continued. “I’ve met Michael, yes - he seems really nice, and funny. I don’t think I’ve met Quinn yet. Is she one of the owners? I know Sawyer, kind of— he said he owns the bar with his sister or something like that.”

“Michael is just the loveliest guy, really. Quinn is pretty much one of my best friends, I’m sure you’ll like her when you’ll meet her.” She smiled, remembering her friends. “Yeah, Sawyer is Quinn’s brother, actually! I don’t really know him but he seems like a nice guy.” Angie nodded, trying to give a brief explanation of each person.

[vasquezangie]

“Loathing isn’t as bad as other terms I have heard in the past. Loathing isn’t as horrible as hatred. Hatred has always seemed like a point of no return. Once you say it, there is no possible way to take the words back without a lot of groveling and forgiveness.” Charlie really only had such experience receiving the words ‘i hate you’ from colleagues of his while at college. It took many people a lot of time to get back in Charlie’s good graces on projects once they’d stated they hated the intellectual advantage he had over most of them. “Is that what is altering your usually cheerful disposition today?” 

Angie never turned to hatred. The woman didn’t have a single wicked bone in her and didn’t allow herself to hate anyone; disliking is tolerable, but hating? Unacceptable. “You could say that, with a mix of familial issues.” She grunted, taking the last bite out of the pastry and finishing it. “Other than that, I’m great. You?”

[snowhcven-deactivated20190328]

Pasts Revealed | Dylan & Angie

[vasquezangie]

The words of gratitude sounded odd to Dylan’s ears. She wasn’t used to them coming from anyone - except for a few foster kids she had helped over the years, but even their thank you’s were casual. She pulled her lips into a tight smile but it left as soon as it came. She felt the uncomfortable sincerity of Angie’s voice, her self cringing internally at the things she herself had been through in her life. She stayed mute, listening to Angie spill everything she had been meaning to say.

No, no, no. She couldn’t handle the tears. Growing up in the system taught Dylan that it was better to hide them, better to dry your eyes out completely. Awkwardly, Dylan responded to Angie’s apology with another tight smile. She couldn’t help but feel what Angie was promising, taking it to heart. Her heart was normally a cold, dead thing but it warmed at that moment. Dylan hid it, as she was accustomed to doing, but her response said plenty.

“Sounds like you’ve practiced that a ton, almost too perfect,” she said with a breathy, conflicted chuckle, finishing her tea and setting it back down on the counter. Thoughtfully, she ventured, “Why didn’t you ever try seeing me after you gave me up? I mean…why not didn’t you just check up..or something?” 

Angie tried to get a hold of herself as soon as she noticed how uncomfortable she makes Dylan, so she took a deep breathe and moved a few strands of hair that fell on her forehead and tucked them behind her ears. “Don’t laugh at me, but I actually did. I messed up so badly the first two times , I thought this one had to be perfect.” The woman admitted with a shy smile. This was probably the first time Dylan saw Angie smile and there wasn’t even a flick of sadness in it. She wanted to be able to laugh with her girl and just talk normally to each other one day, but for now the most important thing is to work things out.

“Well, I presume you’re familiar with the term closed adoption. Meaning, I legally couldn’t check up on you until you turn 18.” Angie figured that if she’ll be involved it can confuse the child and may turn her against her adoptive family, which wasn’t her goal at all. “After you grew up I thought about looking for you, but I realized that meeting with me should be your own decision. I couldn’t force myself over you. The internet didn’t tell me much as well, considering you changed your name.” She explained; if she’d know what Dylan had gone through she would act differently, but she wasn’t aware of the hardships her daughter struggled with and therefore wasn’t there to help “I don’t want you to think I’ve just forgotten about you. For 20 years there wasn’t a single day where I didn’t think of you. I uh- I couldn’t do anything about it, but you are my daughter. Or at least- were at the time.” She added quietly. Here it goes again, the lump in her throat- no, she must stop it. “I can’t forget about you, no one has. I didn’t look you up because I had no other choice.” 

[vasquezangie]

“No ring, I checked.” he shrugged as if it was an obvious conclusion before continuing “There’s no tan line where one used to be either and if you had a boyfriend you would have said so when I implied that you fucked a Chuck Norris impersonator.” He finished his line of rather circumstantial evidence triumphantly with a smirk on his features. “Go figure, even nuns can fuck things up” he shook his head in feigned surprise, knowing most people found him intolerable and a horrible example of a well adjusted grown man. “I can even count the amount of times I was told to make room for Jesus.” he said deadpan before a smile spread across his face “but then I explained the implication of making it a threesome and got suspended - total injustice.”

Angie burst into an easy laughter. "I have to admit, you're pretty good." She nodded. She was always jealous of observant people, considering she was scattered as hell and couldn't notice the details in front of her even if they were screaming her name. The only times she kept her mind focused were when she graded exams; math required her to think logically and clearly, that’s why she loved it so much- it’s the only thing in her life that makes any sense. "Oh God, that sounds awfully miserable." The older woman let a small smile escape her lips and it seemed like the young man's tales made her feel better and lighter. "Yeah, total injustice, obviously." Even though she was raised Catholic, Angie never took religion too seriously.

[vasquezangie]

“Well, for starters you could be experiencing emotional discomfort due to a monthly cycle. I have noticed that combinations of uterine pain and hormone changes tend to make women more emotional than they usually are. Another reason could be you are stressed from your work environment, though with school being out I doubt that is currently applicable.” Charlie continued on to discuss different scenarios at lightning fast speed. He tended to ramble uncontrollably when he had no one to stop him. “Lastly you could be having familial problems, internal self loathing, external loathing towards another individual, I- you weren’t- interested in hearing all of that were you?” 

Angie's mind tried to process everything the young man had just said without success; she was too distracted to do so. However, from what she could grasp he was incredibly logical and knowledgeable in his way of speech and a mighty chatterbox, to her surprise. Though the thing that surprised her the most was the fact that he rightly guessed the reason behind her awful mood. "Loathing is a strong word, honey." The older woman said with a little smile and sad eyes; loathing was a harsh word, but it described exactly how she felt.

[vasquezangie]

Quinn wrinkled her nose in a grin, a soft laugh escaping her lips at Angie’s warning. To her, Angie was the epitome of kindness and sincerity, and even though that was the last thing anyone would call Quinn - at least those who knew her fleetingly. “Awkwardness can be fun, but you’re right— it usually isn’t.” She sighed at the thought of Jamie testing her patience these days. “Yeah, any minute and I’ll have to kick him out of the house. Literally.” She forced a smile, slight amusement lingering on her face before she brushed off the thought of Jamie. “Yeah?” Her voice softened along with her features, concern lacing her voice when Angie brought up the subject of her daughter.

"When? Give me one scenario where awkwardness is fun." Angie let out a grumpy chuckle, but brushed it off with a playful grin; it wasn't Quinn's fault that she's cranky. "If you're going to kick him out of the house, send him to me. You know how much I love children, Jaime in particular. Besides, give me half an hour with him and I'll set his mind straight." She winked. After all, she likes to think that she's a good teacher and has made students who're way worse than Jaime to behave. "Well, um- urgh." Somehow, the words couldn't leave her mouth. "She's here, in Southport."