It's the first night that I couldn't feel your fur under my feet nor hear your sudden footsteps or soft snore. It feels weird. As weird as how I now just finish my dinner without getting up right away to prepare yours. Or how getting ready for bed is now just for myself, and no longer includes our night walks so you could exercise and potty.
Love, your absence is felt. So so deeply. After you were picked up earlier, I found myself dreading going to our room... because I know that every corner of this room has a memory of you.
When somebody opened the door, my mind instantly wondered if you were lying by the door, blocking it. And as I am resting on my spot on the bed, deep inside, I am waiting for those little movements on the bed as you would take the spot on top of my blanket.
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It's the first morning without you. I had to stop writing last night because my head hurt so bad. Probably from crying.
Last night was sad. But this morning was worse. I woke up a bit earlier than usual but stayed on bed with my phone until the time I usually get up so we could go out. But instead of carrying you so you can pee outside, I went down the stairs with bare arms. It felt light... in a bad way. I wanted to feel your weight on me.
The room looks and feels more spacious, too. It's weird how when I enter, I see the bare floor right away instead of meeting your eyes as you welcome me, probably thinking, "What took you so long, human?"
This morning, while I was preparing my breakfast, Mama told me to put water in your bowl. And as defense mechanism and a mask for being strong, I responded right away with a, "Why? What for?"
Yesterday, I was also tasked to pack away your stuff -- throw what needed to be thrown and pack the ones that we can give away to other fur friends. Some items where harder to put away than the others, and sure enough, I ended up keeping some for myself. I kept one crocheted dress I made for you, 2 of your home clothes that have holes (haha), your baby toy Nuggets, and your shampoo. I even washed Nuggets and your crocheted dress using your shampoo so I can still smell you through them.
Margaux is sad about this, too. An hour before your passing, I told her to talk to you, and she did. She was shy so she whispered words to you, but I did hear her ask how you were and say she loves you. When she learned about this sad news, she later told me that at least now, you'll get to see Caramel and Mito in the animal heaven. My love, I do hope you'll meet them. And when you do, please say hi to Mito, Adobo, and Caramel for me. I miss you all so much.
My baby B, you are loved by our family and we miss you. I miss you and will surely miss you everyday. I am trying so hard not to cry, but I can't stop my tears from falling. Losing you is so hard, baby. For years, I start and end my day with you. Now, I have to get used to doing it alone.
I am trying not to be so sad about this because honestly, part of me is also at ease because at least now, you no longer have to suffer. No more endless vet visits. No more tests. No more ew medicines to take. And no more pain. I wasn't the perfect furmom/sister to you, but I do hope you enjoyed your life while you were with us.
Thank you for all happiness and love you brought in my life, Babi. Among all the bestfriends I lost, this one surely stinks the most. I love you so so so much.
I hope you are running freely wherever you are, my Bridgeyboo.
