A Venting Cactae @venting-cactae - Tumblr Blog

your bite’s worse than your bark

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I don’t wanna keep feeling unappreciated and unseen and yet I don't know how to talk about it without feeling like I'm just blaming others.

But holy shit is it that absurd to want to celebrate my birthday? Is it really not obvious that I'd want to spend my birthday weekend doing something >I< like instead of spending it with YOUR friends? It's shit, I feel like shit, it feels like I don’t matter and holy shit it dampened my whole mood.

I don’t even wanna celebrate anymore, I wanna pretend none of this happened and I didn't get my hopes up just to be catastrophically let down.

And holy shit I spent your birthday doing everything I could. I got you a gift I knew you wanted MONTHS in advance, I bought cake and candles and spent the whole weekend by your side + skipped class the actual day of your birthday because you said you wanted me there and I wanted your birthday to be good.

But when it's my turn, my birthday falls on a Sunday so it's not even a week day, it's JULY we don't even have classes anymore, I was waiting to get a bit better from post-op to see if I could do something with my friends, YOU TOLD ME you wanted to spend the weekend with me so I didn't make one-on-one plans with anyone. And then you just turn to me on fucking Friday and say you decided to host a barbecue at your house THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY and you didn't even invite any of my friends??? Like holy shit I wouldn't care if it was anyone else but you're my boyfriend I wish you had thought about it for five fucking seconds I hate thinking everything through to make things nice for you and then when it's my turn it seems like you don't know me at all and just does whatever you want anyways

And I know I KNOW I'm seeing it the worst way possible and we talked about it and you said you thought I didn't want to celebrate and apologized and decided not to host the damn thing but it still hurts, you know? You have the contact of all my friends, why didn't any of them get invited? Why did it seem like you didn't think of what I'd want at all? Why does it always seem like it? Im tired im tired I dont wanna do anything anymore I wanna lay in bed and forget I exist

#vent #tw vent #tw rant #rant

Need to stop spiraling over stuff, might as well go back to counting calories, at least that way I had a modicum of control over stuff

#tw vent #vent

ethereal-burial-grounds

I hate decision paralysis I wanna kill myself i genuinely haven't thought about killing myself this much since high school wtffffff

I can't bear feeling like I don't deserve any of this anymore

I swear I swear I'm trying to be good but I just seem to be unable to do it right I'm always fucking SOMETHING up and I'm genuinely just starting to feel like I'm an irredeemably bad person

Took like 5 different meds without noticing and now I feel like dying (bf is taking me to the hospital hopefully nothing serious)

venting-cactae

Hate feeling low for no reason

venting-cactae

I mean I have a vague idea of the reason but I'm not sure exactly what got me like this all of a sudden and I wish I knew exactly what it was and what to say and what to do about it

I'm scared I'm ruining things and I wish I knew what to do to fix it

Hate feeling low for no reason

They're gonna laugh at me and think im weird holy shit I've just spent the last hour crying in the bathroom at a party because im nauseous and have a headache and me n my partner have been here for three hours and I didn't manage to start a conversation with anyone I feel like a fucking failure this is so stupid Im so scared of going back there and having to face them and have people I've never seen in my life ask me if im okay and then having to sit here while we dont go back home I want to leave but I dont wanna fuck things up he was so excited to come and I wanted to be good at this I wanted to talk to his friends and be a good partner but I cant I can't I cant im too stupid and useless for it I can hear them outside laughing and having fun and who would be crazy enough to go out there with a puffed face from bawling my eyes out after being missing for an hour holy shit

ethereal-burial-grounds

This is all happening because I was stupid enough to think stopping SH would bring anything good.

The only thing it did was make everything else worse and take away my only way to de-stress that actually worked

I just know mom's gonna get home and I'll start sobbing AND I GOTRA GO TO UNI

Bro never doing this again, sh is definitely less expensive than throwing my phone at the wall full force and having to pay for the oled display to be replaced

Next time I’ll just bite myself like usual

Genuinely scared abt my mental health because I know I shouldn't anchor my entire mood in one single person and yet here we are

I hate being like this, I hate how I feel like shit when I don't get a reply even when I know they're busy and yet I can't help it I'm shit at rationalizing it

And it makes me feel even more stupid when my whole mood changes after a single text

It's genuinely absurd how failing at basic things like socialization and procrastinating on things makes you feel like not a single atom in your body is worth anything

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