spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever @ventsys - Tumblr Blog

Fairly certain it's Max talking right now, and boy, he doesn't want to be conscious.

#.vents #Something must have gone wrong.#I think it's the shame trigger again.

mmmm sure wish my brain would stop doing this

it’s upset because “oh no someone whose affection i crave really loves this fictional character, and i’m sad because they love it more than me, and they and their friend are both into it and i’m not”

and i hate this?? i had it before with my best friend and it only went away last year or so. and it took fucking years to stop, i’m not kidding, it took like literally 2-3 years for it to go away

i really don’t want that to happen with this one

#.vents #j screams.#it's just... because theyre not as openly affectionate as me #and that's okay!!! i dont want them to change if theyre not comfortable doing so #my brain is just. so fucking stupid and needs so much affection all the time #i hate myself

jesus christ jesus christ i’m so fucking

awful i hate this i hate it

i wish i could just STOP showing affection and STOP wanting to love and be loved and stop fucking pushing boundaries when i’ve already stated explicitly that i cant do relationships etc

i might be hurting them without meaning to and its for my own fucking gratification re: affection and ughhhhhhhhh

that or im just anxious i dont know i just

hate this

#j screams.#.vents

g-d my fucking sister used to insist i came and told her if i self harmed, and sometimes she was okay about it and sometimes she’d make me feel guilty (she was more okay with it when we were both living with gran- when we lived alone together she got way worse and i just started hiding it better). and yknow, sometimes she would fucking tell gran after promising she wouldnt, and i’d get in trouble and feel even worse and be told i’d be kicked out if i kept self harming, but yknow.

anyway the point is nikki would fucking make me show her my back (since that’s where i self harmed), and on at least one occasion she forced me to take my shirt off and let her fucking rub antiseptic cream on the wounds despite me insisting i had showered to clean them and they weren’t that deep, that i didn’t want her to, etc

so yeah i have fucking gross memories of feeling her hands on me rubbing that fucking cream in and i just hate it i hate it so much i never wanted her to touch me again

#j screams.#.vents #trauma blog #abuse #sibling abuse #incest #bonus: bad memories of being forced to rub sun lotion and shit on her back 8)

sleepbby

parents that try to guilt trip their kids for feeding them and providing a roof over their heads are disgusting like that is ur responsibility as their parent, as someone that chose to raise them, that’s part of the damn job description and in no way do ur kids owe u for that, not even a single bit

#q.

screenshotsofdespair

and ultimately it ties into my fear/insecurity that this friend and my other best friend are going to find like, new friends that they bond better with and are more compatible with, especially since they’ve both been like branching out to other people in the past year or so

and it’s like... that’s absolutely okay?? i want them to! like if there are people out there that can make them happy of course i want them to meet them and befriend them, i just... the insecure emotions are still there even if i don’t want them to be. the fear of abandonment and not being needed or important is still there. bc i’m so used to cutting off friendships and relationships that as soon as something is permanent (ive been friends w these two for like a decade) i panic and just wait for it to go wrong, or to be replaced, or

ughhhh i feel toxic and i hate it even though i know these are just. emotions. and they’ll pass. and they can be dealt with.

#j screams.#.vents #the important thing is i dont let these emotions bleed into my interactions with those people #like address it directly where i can #and find other ways to deal with it where i cant #without ever blaming them and stuff

having a bad fuckin time folks i just. feel like such a g-ddamn burden?? like i panicked and started apologising to my friend for them helping me with things all the time when i dont do the same for them as much, even though i know its just bc they dont talk about things as much (and don’t want to), and now i’m scared i’ve upset them or made them uncomfortable or pressured, especially since i’m always bringing up Serious Things like that and apologising, and i’ve been trying really hard not to apologise because i don’t want them to feel like they have to reassure me of something (especially if it’s not true and they don’t want to!!!) and they haven’t responded in half an hour and i’m panicking

it’s probably fine they’re really nice and a good friend i just am so scared that i’m accidentally being too much

#j screams.#.vents

feversys-blog

Do you know where we’re going.

yes where!!!

Do you know who that is. At the door.

yes i know!!!

I don’t want to see her. But if you do I will take you.

can we go back please i want to see her!!!

We can go back. Sorry, kid.

sometimes you just get vivid fuckin images of mental journeys and this is what happens, i guess. debated on posting this on my main but decided against it, though it’s absolutely okay to rb regardless.

ventsys

gonna be using feversys as our main blog for following people etc, since i prefer to keep my osdd shit separate from my main account !! this blog will be used for like. i guess venting etc whereas feversys will be for reblogs and talking to other people in the community, etc.

#j talks.#actuallyosdd

kfndkfjsdf it’s so weird like. lately i’ve been hard on myself and thinking or saying negative things about myself and... the kids... like... won’t let me, sometimes? or even as i’m typing i can hear (or--not hear, more like feel?) them just contradicting and protesting against it skjfsnf

#j talks.#.vents #the nice thing is it feels like being loved.#like he--or they i still can't tell if there's more but i /think/ there is--do this out of love for me.#and considering i always feel so much like we were failed as children and that i am continuing that cycle #it means a lot.#to know they love me.#the kids

ughhh i’m sorry kid i can’t

#j screams.#.vents #i already feel like crap and i cant play that game rn #but i'll try and find another one

i don't actually think the kids can type without me? i think part of it is physical inability, but part of it is also just not wanting to do anything without me there to make sure they're not doing it 'bad'.

#j talks.#still feels like im faking! but it is what it is.#and I'm starting to understand Max more by proxy bc like #he absolutely refuses to deal with anything related to my family.#when he was fronting in 2016 he straight up refused to even answer the phone to my papa #(who has never hurt us but did perpetuate the 'your mum never hit you your sister took it all' lie)#(and i think Max might know we were hit. i think he might have been more aware of it than i ever could have been.)#but anyway he's so fiercely protective of the kids #like. legitimately /angry/ at the thought of anyone hurting them- including me #and i think he might be... a big brother.#a big brother who took on too much responsibility because he had to and is now like a guardian.#(and i know that's so much like my sister. but i don't want to try and talk to him about her)

OH the blog for the kids is @rufflekid

#little blog #little alter #little alters #.vents #j talks.#please no sexual regression blogs. it's not a kink it's a dissociation thing.#otherwise as long as you're not weird it's fine.#ofc now i'm ... not dissociating and the kids arent actually around but i imagine when i try to get food again theyll be back #since thats one of the triggers for them

welp i made the blog for the kids and what do you know, max showed up for the about page kfjnfklsdjfn

#j talks.#.vents #i think it's bc he's like. protective of them.#which makes sense as the protector.#but it's... really unusual for him to show up like that #like i said he's literally like never around that i can tell #(although now that i think about it judging by his typing style it might have been him all along #while i was Typing formally and detachedly like this.)

emipiralistrat:

So… Let’s talk

I also suspect I have osdd-1b, i haven’t been diagnosed but I have convinced a therapist to forward me to a dissociative specialist so I’ll keep you updated and here’s the thing, I’m also inconsistent as balls and my protector comes and goes seemingly randomly and sometimes I feel like he’s so real he’s standing right behind me and other times I feel like I’m just pretending to be strong, pretending to be him.

1. I do this too, just push everyone away and feel nothing

2. I have been dissociating alot recently and have been lucky enough that a friend is there to ground me. I get quiet and Spacey and my voice goes high

3. So again I have both of these I have an ‘alter’ who is a child that I comfort and I also have regressed to feel like a child

4. Idk about you but I have a mute angel in my head called,,, Angel, (look I’m not creative ok!) And she believes in God and tells me (through images and feelings) that I’m blessed and special and God loves me and sent her to protect me or whatever idk, look I’ll tag you in some delusion posts and you can judge for yourself

Well idk but sometimes alters just go dormant, idk y but they do and they usually come back (my alter came back after 11 years) so don’t count your chickens before they hatch

Okay so no CGL stuff for me But an alter/dissociated me did sleep with my ex at least once(???) More times I think. And now I have nightmares and flashbacks about it, but here’s the thing, I don’t even remember it really? So it’s just feelings and tastes and shit like that, idk and again Yeh my ex *thought* I was consenting but I really wasn’t really and yeah my alter didn’t really enjoy it he just wanted to make my ex happy, wanted to make me happy and??? Idk.

You shouldn’t blame yourself, you should forgive yourself, you were trying your best and you were confused and look, it sucks but we all make mistakes so you definitely need therapy but you also definitely shouldn’t blame yourself

-Nye

P.s. this is Em, my protector’s blog, mostly because he has like 0 followers and he’s away rn so :p he probably won’t mind and he never uses it anyway

Also I haven’t met an osdd-1b system so I don’t know if all this is 'normal’

Also also it’s kinda creepy how similar we are sorry if I freaked you out

dfksdjfh thank you so so much for your response !! it’s wild how similar we are actually?? like. even my angel is called malakh (which... is also a name i use for myself online, so it gets confusing and i’ve kind of adopted the name for myself regardless, but w/e!!) which literally just. means angel. skdfjshdf.

and the delusion posts, man, thank you so much for linking me to them bc like. tbh now that i think about it w context it doesn’t seem to fit ‘delusion’ so much as like. some religious beliefs that might be affecting the ways in which i dissociate. you know? i think my problem is like... having grown up atheist/surrounded by atheists, i tend to feel ‘stupid’ for having faith in or believing in something like angels skdfjsdfng. i guess the line there is blurry by definition but. handwaves.

and man i’ve had alters come and go too sdkfsjhfd like. the morningstar was around pretty recently after literal years of dormancy. and i think max and fox both resurfaced at some point last year only to disappear again. (and there’s probably something to be said for like, deliberately shoving them down)

but dslfkjsdhf just. vague handwaving. reading your experiences, i don’t feel like they’re invalid at all so i guess like. it kind of helps me feel like mine are more valid too, if that makes sense. especially knowing that other ‘valid’ people also feel like they might be faking it or like they’re just pretending to ‘be’ that alter and stuff

LIES DOWN this got long but tldr thank you ;v;

#.vents #j talks.#replies #emipiralistrat

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever