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@verbenablue
it’s really fucking annoying that i got 3 years into recovery then discovered a heath issue that forced a drastic diet change and major weight loss
like i get to have the body i worked towards for so long but i don’t want it anymore ?? it feels unhealthy and i miss feeling healthier and eating more freely
pretty much, the universe has a sense of humor and the bitch is cruel
so, it’s been three and a half years
it feels like a lifetime ago i overdosed but the experience still feels so close to me. two days ago i graduated with my associates degree in early childhood education. two days ago i accomplished what i promised myself i would, three and a half years ago sitting in that uncomfortable ply wood bed on top of a hill looking out onto my city from above. i didn’t know it at the time but i had a feeling i was done with chemistry, i needed something that fed my soul rather than crushing it. changing my major was the big turning point, i got perfect grades, i was stressed out but in a good way, i became so laser focused on my goals i allowed absolutely nothing to get in my way and for some reason i’m a little surprised it actually got me here. for the first time in my adult life i’ve set a major goal and accomplished it as quick as possible, i put my head down and did the work.
i’m lucky to feel proud of myself and i know it’s not stopping there, i’m transferring to a four year i university to get my bachelor’s degree in child development. teaching preschool has brought me so much joy, pride, and confidence. i’m also really lucky i had the best mentors to guide me to becoming the most intentional teacher i can be. i was sad to say bye to those preschoolers i’ve been teaching for an entire year but incredibly grateful for all the lessons in teaching that they unknowingly taught me.
i wonder how long i will use my attempt as a measuring stick in my life but if i’m being honest i don’t think it will ever stop. i almost died. and i don’t really mind it, it makes me feel proud of myself and proud of how far i’ve come, how dramatically i changed my own life on. my. own.
Be so fucking proud of yourself for passing the hardest moments alone while everyone believed you were fine.
NEVER thought i’d ever feel absolutely disgusting and sad seeing my hip bones and collarbones
choosing recovery and gaining healthy weight only to now suddenly lose a lot of weight bc i’m sick and trying to figure out what’s going on in my body is beyond triggering lol the universe loves irony
making good choices that change ur life for the better is actually so terrifying when you’ve been doing the opposite your whole life
some people are so unbelievably selfish they’re impossible to have in your life
men are truly the fucking worst
ugh u make me sick
what the fuck is going on dude
WHY is life just fucking me in the ass no lube rn
Reblog if:
- You support recovery.
- You support those in recovery.
- You support seeking help.
- You want people to seek help.
- You think everyone is beautiful, regardless of their weight.
- Even if you yourself, aren’t seeking help or are in recovery, want others too.
how am i supposed to forgive myself for screwing up my body’s hunger signals by ignoring them and starving myself for years so badly that i rarely feel them anymore
now i never know if i’m hungry which makes intuitive eating so fucking hard
sending love for every person struggling with an ED right now. This shit sucks, and you are valid in your ED no matter what other people may say <3
most thinspo imagines are such bs. i’m tired of seeing posts that romanticize getting to your UGW and acting like nobody will worry about you and everyone is just gonna adore you. like, no that’s now how it works. it’s not beautiful and fun, all it does is encourage people to continue their desctructive behaviors, which is not okay. we’re here to support each other and have a community relate to, since feeling alone sucks like hell. so maybe think twice before you write, like, and reblog shit like that.
this is gonna be big headed of me but i’m okay with it bc i’m never proud of myself and finally i am. i have to remind myself it’s okay to have pride in your accomplishments. just a year and a half ago i was at my lowest and overdosed. i didn’t wanna be alive. i took a break from school no matter how badly i didn’t want to. i didn’t wanna be “behind” but that’s not a real thing. everyone lives at their own pace. i got the very much needed help to recover and stay on that path. i gave myself the tools to choose recovery and life every day. it’s so fucking hard and some days i just wanna give in and let it envelop me all over again. now i’ve just finished my summer semester with all A’s and i know grades aren’t everything but i’m proud of those letters, they represent the hours of work i put in and the commitment i made to making myself happy. because now that i know what i want, i’m not gonna let myself get in the way anymore.
How are you so wise???
trauma
