Last night I went into a meditation. I imagined that my sister and I were small. We were wearing nightgowns and holding hands, looking out at the ocean. We were laughing and pointing to a rainbow that was glittering in the distance. Later we went to bed in one bed, it was purple with a gauzy canopy, had fairy lights glowing in it. We were nestled up together, clutching eachothers hands, our little hearts glowing a happy blue as we sleep peacefully next to eachother. My brown hair surrounding my head and her curlier blonde hair surrounding hers. Two happy little bumps under a blanket.
We didn't know what pain was, was it was like to be pitted against one another. We just knew we were two sisters who loved eachother.
I harnessed that feeling and sent it energetically like a prayer to us in our now adult bodies to help us heal.
And then I was woken up by that same sister screaming, crying, slamming things.
Saying that I'm gross, pathetic, and lazy. (I'm physically injured)
I grieve the sisterhood I never got. I grieve the sister I still don't have. I grieve the actions from her that I thought were love, but were weaponized against me.
But I'll keep my false memory of the life I wanted for us. A small shrine to what we should have been. When my heart needs a rest I can go visit her there.