caixu

all I wanna post is what's on my mind that i can't even say out loud sigh

[versisonthefloor]

:(:

Did I made the right choice now? I'm happy but why I still felt sad? Why I'm afraid, why I still felt in pain? What is happiness? What is the feeling being in love? Its full of misery and doubt Do I deserve to be happy? or Can I only make them happy? I wanna help them but I always left alone. Did I do my best? Am I always be a failure? Am I worthy to be cared for? Am I just a waste of time? Am I should be just a trash? I'm tired of everything. I'm lost. Where to go? Until when I will fight? Is It worth to be fighting for? Its all messy. As many questions has been entering my head. Its so painful. I dunno anymore. I'm clueless. I dunno anymore.

[versisonthefloor]

the Right ones are the one who Just came unexpectedly

remembering those moments when we begun to talk nonstop.

getting to know and always saying welcome home when you got home.

as I was waiting for you to come home but I'm just nothing else.

I remember when you tease me that we go to these place but now I know it will never happen.

I remember when we almost met but it broke me into pieces when you had another thing to do.

And now I felt it was the last message you had that we should not ever meet.

Our closeness fade away, it seems its hard to prolong a conversation when only one person wanted to continue.

It was like a Thank you Next conversation. But then, I felt Is the problem is me? The one who just hesitate on everything I wanna say. Hesitate on keeping you, or maybe i don't have enough guts to say what I really want.

I felt in pain when you don't reply unlike before.

Its been a month. How are you? Do you still remember me?

Hope you still remember me. I may not be the most memorable person for you but I hope you remember that I've pass by in your life for a short time. Thank you. This is the end. Hoping you to be happy my friend. my crush. my like na like person.

[versisonthefloor]

Here we go again

It's not easy to overcome the fears, pains and hatred

I don't wanna talk to them, I always feel I'm bothersome..

My worries and doubts, the care and love I wanna received.. It's very hard... To control this overthinking phase... I'm not a healthy one to be with... I need to control it... I need to understand everything.... I should take considerations and I should fight this heavy feelings...

[versisonthefloor]

wmp

what's my purpose?

I have been waking up early in the morning

go to work and earn a living

fixing the mess I made in the past

hoping it will be better than yesterday

fixing things step by step but I feel the pressure

time is ticking, and I always think I am too late

If I fix it before I might not be like this, My Regrets

Am I slow? or Am I just a fool?

It's a burden, a burden of despair and hatred.

It's not easy, It's full of shxxt

Full of break downs, negativity.

I'm like a dying person inside.

[versisonthefloor]

giliw ko

Ikaw na nagbigay ligaya sa aking pagkatao

Ikaw na nagbigay halaga sa bawat kabutihan na aking nagawa

Ikaw na nagbigay inspirasyon sa araw araw

Ikaw na nagbigay lakas sa bawat pagsubok na aking nararanasan

Ikaw na nagbigay ng pagmamahal sa natutulog kong puso

Di ko mawari na makakakilala ako ng gaya mo

Akala ko noon ma'y wala na makakapagbukas ng pusong sugatan

hirap man isipin ngunit ako'y natakot sa iyong pagkalinga

natatakot na masaktan at magtiwala muli

Ngunit sa maikling panahon napatunayan mo

ako'y nahulog sa isang matarik na bangin

na tila bang lakas loob din akong sumubok ng panibagong yugto

nawa'y sa bagong yugtong ito, tuluyan mokng hawakan

marami man akong karanasan sa buhay

ngunit tila ikaw nagbibigay kahinaan

sa marupok kong puso , isipan ko man ay natatakot

mahal na mahal pa rin kita ng buong buo

masaya ako sa bawat sandali

ngiting di maikukubli

hawakan ka hanggang sa huli

sana'y eto na ang huli

mahagkan hindi lang ngayon

bukas man o magpakailanman

iba talaga ang pagibig

gagawin ang lahat para sa iyong ibig

[versisonthefloor]

my mind is messed up

i'm trying to go out in my comfort zone, and now i feel i keep failing, my motivation is getting low. i felt there's no purpose now, i feel sad and at the same time i felt it's all messed up, why it happen? i wanna be success i wanna achieve my goals, i wanna shout i'm losing hope and losing everything. it was sad and also it was insane feeling..

[versisonthefloor]

I'm forgetting myself, you always think negatively, you assume things, and it's not good. Sometimes I dunno what to believe anymore. I hate this mindset. I hate myself. Why I'm like this? I'm awful and insane. I hate being like this

[versisonthefloor]

fvck mind

i can't help but overthink, i can't help but i feel afraid of, is this love, is he sincere, i know, he is different, but i'm afraid and afraid, what if? whati if? i hate myself thinking this way, i wanna punch my head, my face i feel awful to myself, i'm beginning to cry, i keep holding my tears, why i think you will leave me, why i think that your not forever fvck head fvck mind it's sooo insane.. i wanna shout and shout, but i keep being silent fighting even my heart inside is breaking down what's wrong with me, i hate being this way, i always think negatively. i always think sad things. i imagine worst, i feel sad and pain. I hate being this way, i hate thinking this way. i hate myself, i hate my mind.. fvck mind ... fvck head... to many things coming inside my head. too many things i can self destruct anytime. why.. why why.. i'm like this. why why why... sorry, i'm like this, sorry i'm insane.. sorry.. and sorry

[versisonthefloor]

trust

it was raining and cold, i had awaken from a bad dream. here we go again, why did i dream about it, i'm now happy, i feel my worth i feel i deserve this, then it begins bothering me again. due to pains i encounter, i'm losing all i overcome my trust issues, now i become hesitant the what ifs keeps bothering me, a dream that i know its not true the feeling of losing people again, i'm afraid so. life is miserable, but I keep moving forward. i feel happy then sad again. i'm strong enough i know, but my heart is weak i'm not strong i think, i breakdown easily. my mind and my heart, my tears flowing i always carry burden and pain. but i realize what's my goal. to make them happy. happiness that will make a new life gain hope again. that's my goal. i think i can do it. but we can't help when over thinking comes. we hide it, we keep it, we breakdown again a cycle that we must fight and step forward to nothing can be achieve without hardwork everything needs strength and hope. if it happen you read this. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. it's okay to cry, pain happens. endure it and you can still reach the goal its not about suffering but overcoming everything. i talk too much. fighting everyone.

[versisonthefloor]

what to do, what to do inhale exhale i can't breathe well chains all over makes me insane i wanna be free and free emotions pain and sadness where do i restart where do i begin focus focus now

[versisonthefloor]

I keep thinking what's my strengths... What's my goal... What's my interests.... But... All this time I can't find it... Its soo dark I can't even find my real me.. Myself being happy on what path I will be doing... Should I study should I change career should I upgrade myself... Questions I wanna do but not confident as I do.... I keep saying I wanna be success... But still I'm afraid... I'm so afraid to take risk... I dunno what step I will take... I get pressured, I am employed.. But I think its all messed up, I just work to pay my bills but I'm not growing... What's happening to me... I keep hiding in this place... I dunno what will I do.... Sigh... Give meeeeee chance or light that I will follow... I cannot seee it... Its all dark inside.

[versisonthefloor]

truuuust

trusting is not easy, a little mistake makes me insane. whenever i see red flags, i keep changing my decisions i keep thinking and hesitate to push through this feelings. am i getting choosy? or i'm just playing safe? i want them to see me by the real me, not just in this side of me but the wholeness of myself, i'm not a play time, i'm real i wanna hold those who appreciates me, i'm comfortable with not just because you think of me as a person who you could play with i'm not a toy, i'm fragile, i'm sensitive, i'm different. emotions, personality, smiles and joy... i may be different, but who will accept me and appreciate me they always had other intentions but not seeing the real me.

[versisonthefloor]

I've been crying a lot lately. What's this pain...

[versisonthefloor]

Here we go again. My mind is totally dark, I feel empty.

There's no where to go, I wanna shout. I wanna cry. I wanna give up everything. I keep hiding I dunno where to hold. Can I die now. There's no use. I'm totally drowning. Drowning to water of despair. I wanna knock the door and go out, I wanna find the light. I wanna see the light, I wanna see my purpose. I wanna know if I can be happy in this world.

[versisonthefloor]

Realizations '29'

I wanna fall in love

I wanna be in a relationship

I wanna have a happy family

I wanna get married

I wanna wear a wedding dress

I wanna be success in my career that I will enjoy

I wanna travel in other country

I wanna have a tattoo

I wanna go to the beach

I wanna give birth

I wanna ride a yacht

I wanna be healthy

[versisonthefloor]

I found the missing piece, I'm holding it now but I cannot bring it back :( iwanna go back to the place where that missing piece is located. Iwanna keep it.

[versisonthefloor]

Im afraid. Im crying inside the bathroom. My tears keeps flowing, im afraid, I'm scared, i feel sad, I'm on the state of wanna die at this moment. I don't wanna live anymore... I feel awful with myself. I hate myself. I wanna punch the walls i wanna shout out loud. I wamna die now. Please. Please.