Dilectus Meus

My thoughts balance between rhyme and reason

[verumcarmina]

Forbidden

Nothing’s more appealing Than to be feelings these feelings That are not supposed to be felt

Our lips connecting opens hell Reminiscent of the day lucifer fell But the flames feel so good God would stop us if he could

He’d chain us by our ankles But our tongues would remain tangled

And we’d suffocate with our mouths open

Too unholy for heaven And too hot for hell So in infinite time and space we would dwell…

[verumcarmina]

Trapped

Even if I did, all I could, to force you out my heart You’d just end up coursing through my blood All in vain…

[verumcarmina]

Poetry

I remember you as poetry. Your entire existence in my life of stress stretches across 26 letters. An infinite combination of phrases that amaze and astound as I drown in each tide of emotion overflowing in the form of solemn soliloquies.

I remember you as poetry. Or rather a muse. I could no longer see your contour in the conventional, convinced you must be a freshly pressed book that impressed me with your cover art. I want to glide my fingers across every vein on each page even if the touch of each folio slices like blades. You’d be my favorite compilation . Constantly enslaved in each saying. Of course I’d pressed against you with a gentle force until you’d lose composure and the leaves in your tree begin to fall off. I’d keep it together forever. My mind would become entwined with the tip of each edge of your spine. I love your symmetry.

I remember you as poetry. And when we split more it became nothing more than discord and a rip jaw. I’d become mesmerized until I had you memorized just to realize that when it came time to let those words flow, I'd choke I would no longer recite the illustrations inside. Insight remained all but in sight. I’d try to marginalize this high between the margins but the ink would dry and my heart would harden. But that’s just me.

I remember you as poetry. I supposed this will always be what I know you to be. These are just Edgar Allen Poe Dreams I go through this alone. Encapsulated in Roberts frost I battle with flaming passion and a cold cardiac.

I remember you as every single word carved into my chest cavity as my own sanity laughed at me.

I remember you as sleepless night and weep-full frights that became more apparent in my increasingly see-through life.

I remember you as the most beautiful and captivating back cover summary that I have ever read, just to realize that the main character is dead.

I remember you as poetry and that will forever be what you owe to me.

[verumcarmina]

Mona

I want your contour Plastered across my house walls After all, That's what art is for...

[verumcarmina]

Lucid

Would you…

Stop torturing me in this everlasting torment?

Cold sweats evolve into torrents

Nightmares metastasize to open eyes

groping lies,

whereas looking for where hope lies

relies on reveling in constantly severing emotional ties.

Then you realize that reality is nothing but a cancerous abnormality

and your dreams are where your truths resides

You kissed me and subtly dissed me

dismissed me, twisted, uplifted then you killed me

and every time I go to sleep I’m resurrected in the form of bliss

And every time I awaken I become a walking corpse

reanimated with the harshness of existence

reminiscing on when these regrets regressed

back in my dreams where nonsense makes sense

and iniquities are pristine

no need to repent

No serpents slither and no fearful shivers

It’s better to feel helpless

as opposed to being in total control

and watching your conscious claws crush the natural

Swimming in the surreal of the subconscious

Trans-lucid, Translucent

Entranced as I enter the minds entrance

Opened the eyes of my helm

Floating through the nocturnal realm

Drifting in realistic fiction with the smoothest friction

Witnessed a silver chain smashed and shattered to smithereens

Dark matter and minor fiends

The dark matters, not minor friends

Gripped a bronze machete and engraved my name in their mind

Just before I traced it down the temporal and stuck it in their spine

Embraced by the umbra

I started to sink under

Trying to swim in thick ice and row tundra

Fist fights with Luxuria and luxuries of impurities

Conversed with my reflection in the hallway of insecurities

Lying mirrors, livid living killers

A mistress with green eyes had awaited inside

Held a bottle of Hennessy with a floating skull key soaking

Her cornea shined bright, smoking, with ill incentives in sight

I felt that it wasn’t right, but I turned away from the light

…It all went backwards…

And at last it had all begun

The prohibited serum danced in my blood

with death in my lungs

I was done, it was done

It was dumb, what I had done

Now hallucinations of the horrible nocturne

Walk in the world where the suns light burns

[verumcarmina]

Mans Mind Pt. 2

It's this innate response to go from cultured to vulture The curse of the perverse We carry until we're carried in a hearse As if lust is a must A scent we can't escape Almost to the point we force ourselves into rape Admire and acquire a good woman And know we really don't want to bring pain to them But the attraction to physical satisfaction pulls us back in And when the lower demons rise Our sense is reduced to a fraction Degrade women of every shade And we retrograde back into sexual escapades The saint and satan inside spark hell fire through friction Being born a man is enough to obtain this addiction And then we do things we don't even understand Break a perfectly good heart just because we can And I can try to apologize for having you demoralized And you'll accept it but in your eyes I can see you regret it Pray I don't do anything to reckless But as usual, you leave tearful and breathless It's the mans mind Your chest cavity becomes nothing more than chess board With a scoreboard that increases with more whores And all hope of saving love is forlorn All traded for porn Because love is reality... and lust is an ephemeral fantasy But false feels better so love is exchanged for physical gains And then when it all ends we realized it wasn't worth it So everything we lost, we try to regain Until we relapse and make the same mistake again. The curse is a chain...

[verumcarmina]

Indignation

It’s malignant, Frivolous decisions and twisted missions based on pigment Blind visions and silent lyrics Whole-hearted horrific hypocrites A decent amount of racism descending down descendants What if religion isn’t as it’s depicted Would your image of our existence be any different Would you believe in societies definition of the explicit If God didn’t administer punishments for having the mind state of the cold and twisted? Stereotypes are only reserved for humanity I wonder if we were fishes in the same ocean Would we discriminate against different hue manatees? Remember, we’re only remora Clarity is sometimes as clear to see as trying to see through the clearest tin Clear the air polluted with fear and burn holes through the so alone layer Nuclear bombs split atoms But can’t touch the soul In the end we only speculate that both exist We only except this because of general consensus And a couple of foolish intellects that tell us So we eat what they feed us We need them and they need us But they won’t admit we’re sheep to a black Jesus So the heat of war rises disguised as global warming Our species is in danger The only thriving animal that’s endangered Living dead, just animated corpses Under the control of capital and the corporations connected between nations And everyone is pointing… And I’m not even mad Just so disappointed…

[verumcarmina]

Angels

Internalization of the furious had me curious

Maybe mad to the point of delirious 

or maybe it was nothing serious

the emotions escalated me to heavenly escalators Infinity escapades from friends who masquerade  Granted I met God, Personified good Maybe for my own good or maybe I was was gone for good I saw only his hair in a color only the blind could describe It was apparent my heart was still beating but I wasn't alive and angels swarm this ethereal beehive He spoke and sounded like Thunder but wasn't too frightening  enlightened with my inditements, but there were clouds fogging my lightning my visions couldn't weather the weary weather of my brainstorms far beyond the norm, my soul began to lose form And I journeyed to hell on occasion The land of adults under the affluence of alcohol Agnostics addicted to assaulting adultery holistically holy hoes Swimming in their own sins indulging in their own image He spoke in visions that I envisioned in my mind I understood the signs, as if I spoke in silence But there's a difference between comprehending separate signs and figuring out what he meant I relinquished my temporary anguish and pleaded to repent But God sensed suicide and told me it was a lie It makes no sense to gamble with life and not handle the facts of the die Truth is my own demons were ruthless forcing me upon unrealistic rubrics meticulously making me reckless I think the stress is, stretching me in different vectors and directions At that point he armed the arms and soles of my brain of soul with black weaponry with a material so cold he said I have your back I'll never leave you disowned but I've prepared you to fight your wars on your own

Gone

[verumcarmina]

Party

Every night about about 2AM my Demons come knocking I try to ignore but they knock down the door They bring all their friends and play truth or dare with me Me being nervous only dare to pick truth And you know what they ask me?

How does it feel to not be wanted by what you wanted Remember when you messed up? and they proceed to mock me. And then i try to forget all the regrets But they always bring out the photo albums They're High Definition Y'know. Clear as crystals in the day They'll find every blemish and clothing stain and continue to talk about it again and again And i just sleep through it all When I wake up they're gone but they sure do leave a mess behind....

[verumcarmina]

Mans Mind Pt. 1

She asked me why I can't take her heart for what it is I replied it's too hard to see it through her bust Too many emotions in motion when it comes to a crush And there's even more when it comes to her touch It seems like there's this male curse contained in our crouches  constantly clamping our craniums in its clutches that leaves us crippled into clutching crutches So I only have eyes for you but my body wanders She thinks I don't want her but ideally I don't want hurt. and the pain in loves lasts  as long as the pleasure in lust is short But the rush from lust is numerous and intricate intimacy isn't as immediate  So I look for a slim waist with a clear skinned face to alleviate trying to penetrate and turn a drifting island into a peninsula  Regret after the nights long sweats trapped in my own penitence and for a brief second sex becomes irrelevant Ideas of becoming celibate make sense until i bail out of that cell again It's sad Because we see a good woman on the sidelines but we're too engrossed in the game to see the loss and gain

Thats the mans ego mixed with a little bit of greed mixed with a little more confusion between what we want and need and every time we'd try to settle down the devil would try to meddle Heaven and hell are two worlds and life's a circle So we always peddle through these bi-cycles There's no such thing as mellow for a young fellow whose hormones control him with whore moans and only silence those with more moans  Loves pleasure is immortal and he's not god Sex's pleasure is short-lived And in the end we're only mortals...

[verumcarmina]

Shift

I wobbled a bit,  I need to sit before my mind drifts I think i'm tired of this shit or maybe tired of shifts When you work all night doing overdue double shifts picking up the mistakes from the misfits As sick of it as nudists in the coldest blizzards Tornado twisters in friendships We couldn't weather the storm Couldn't stand the may weather I guess we had to spring forward  March in our own directions Stuck in solitary self-reflection Connections shattered like battered mirrors If the WI-fi we had is dead who's the killer? You'd withdraw from the allegations  Like slow green into a river bank Tried to paint the perfect picture but all I drew was blank Pain of Picasso, ride or die was the first reply  two years later the latter hit the zenith of the ladder but where did the van go? Pride as thick as marble statue which I drag in my bag when I walk past you Maybe I moved too fast and blew past you Maybe I graduated to better and outclassed you Maybe all these "Maybe's" sting me like May bees too many uncertainties keep on hurting me For it to end abruptly  I think it really cut me Which is funny because everyone feels that pain but me Brush off the dirt, become a flirt, act like it doesn't hurt exposed blood and broken bones represent growth I'm going through another spurt...

[verumcarmina]

Submission

I’ve never been afraid of her Sitting in a cold corner alone Staring at my last breathe Recount the ounces of blood I’ve lost over my life time All the heart beats that I wasted on fear The dreams I dismissed off of meticulous lack of recklessness All the souls I’ve made contact with Along the emotional sicknesses I contracted And the devils I signed contracts with I’d welcome her slim silhouette with open arms, She’d never leave me Stand up in spirit We’d stare for a second into each others eyes Her stain glass windows into her soul

Cataracts of a cathedral

I couldn’t see inside but it’d be beautiful enough to admire And with her incandescent irises she’d look past the fog And claim it all Her long silver hair strands surfing the cold darkness Black tattoos drawn from the inside out All in vein The grip on her steel sickle loose as she senses my submission I won’t put up a fight Just as how I live the entire day Knowing there will be night She’d admire my desire And hold my hand through hells fire The temporary purification

Pleasant painful purgatory

And as a last wish she’ll show my life after breathe Show me my mothers grief Far greater than the tears that fall from Mother Nature And all my real friends as well as the faux and my foes If you didn’t love my in life Don’t love me in death I’ll watch as my casket descends into the depths And I’ll smile as it all happens…

[verumcarmina]

Pyre

The ashes finally begin to simmer down

I've aged a century during the past few years

I know better now

Your searing brilliance

that once mesmerized my naive eyes

is just a firewall for fear

Melted skin is my leather jacket

When I was prepubescent 

out of curiosity i stuck my hand into the flame

and I'll never go through that again

but i'll keep you near in memory

just as Mother Earth keeps her Son by her

just enough to keep her warm,

millions of miles away...

[verumcarmina]

Street Dreams

I had this dream You were ahead of me. Walking without a care. Crossing a street. Long past me. I kept my eyes on your back regardless. And as you strolled in the middle of the street, A truck stampeded towards you But you hovered with your usual heaviness And I would've loved to see this collision occur Or at least that was the lie I conjured My legs still sped And I thrusted you into safety And soaked up your pain. I woke up in a hospital You were there waiting. I told you to leave and live I sacrificed myself for you And that's something I can never forgive

[verumcarmina]

Heartlesss

The thing about being heartless Is you don't have a heart to break. But it's a sad life to live if you ever stand to think about it Being numb all the time...

You'd think it'd be nice Having no heart Nothing can hurt you, But nothing can heal you either...

You can't smile when you want to You can't really cry either It all just sinks deeper Deep into your soul And you try to grasp the emptiness with your hands But your palms just aren't qualified for touching ghosts

Then something worse occurs Feelings find themselves roaming into your soul But they find no home Just a hole And so they exit through it  And thats all there is to it. Do you really want to bear the burden of an invincible armor? 

[verumcarmina]

Every time I think I’m finally on to something I remember the intense passion that shattered my sanity When I felt for you And realize this is just something to pass the time…

[verumcarmina]

Pt. III: My Twisted Fantasy

I dragged across hell

Head high with eyes low

My soul, Hydro

My neck snapped at the end of the downward spiral

Endless pain gone Viral

My heart beating in my palm

My left eyeball dragging to the ground

A cold breeze made this world too chilly

My stomach eating me out alive

my legs snap backwards

..I'm tired..

I see my desires burning in fire

the smoke rises higher

the devil is a liar

But it can mess with perception

His throne an upside down cross

he mocks the resurrection

There are even church bells in hell

and an "X" to mark the spot where Jesus fell

thats where I landed feeling lost and stranded

Suddenly I fell to my knees, I couldn't see

Fingers crawled out of my throat

They claws with no remorse on their outward course

I regurgitated 

Picked my head up

and saw all my inner demons levitating

Insecurity didn't look my way but he was yellow skinned and naked

Lust was a feminine me with a large bust

Depression was the largest and his skin was the hardest

but none of them compared to the black skin of Heartless

There was Ungrateful, Paranoia,

Regret moved in a while ago 

Jealousy was weak but responsible for the worst memories

They were all my enemies

Wicked entities in constant enmity within me

Above their heads were incomplete halos

Pride looked down on me as I tried not to look phased

But I was disgraced because they all had on my face

Rose to my feet, arm wrapped around my waist

My blood ran through my teeth and had a sugar taste

I didn't see any of them,

Just right through them

They screamed in my ears, 

All my worst fears,

My flaws, my falls, all my faults,

But I was used to hell by then

so I wasn't appalled 

I kept dragging until I met the seven headed dragon

He stared,

We had never met but he had his eye on me I bet

I blinked and he turned to a beauty 

told me not to fret

She saw my hand and pointed to the left hole in my chest

"I can fix you back to everything or leave you with nothing left"

I refused, even though I know that I would lose

She replied "You're confused, why fight back? There's no use"

I blinked again, The dragon had returned

i guess I didn't learn, 

I dragged past and was engulfed by a fire blast

I kept dragging regardless

Burning was not a new feeling

I didn't feel it

Its nothing compared to having a strong feeling

Just to not reveal it

So this fire was my new home

Still, I continued to roam

Burning in this pleasant hell

All alone...