Nov. 18- Kaleidoscope Cafè
Welcome back :) it's been a while since I've written anything here even in my journals too. Ever since I took my multi-genre English class I stopped writing anything. In general, even to write down how I'm feeling on the daily which is important to keep updating yourself instead of shutting off your feelings. Maybe that's why I've been feeling disconnected from reality. I swear it's been months that I feel like I've been dissociating and I'm aware of it but for some reason I can't seem to get out of it. I wish I can get out of it I just want to feel like myself again. Kinda been feeling unsure of who I am. That's why I haven't been texting my friends in months. I miss them so much. I've been wanting to text them months ago but my dissociation was worse at that time and it is still bad now but at least now I'm becoming aware of it. My goal now is to get out of it. I stopped doing any of my assignments for both of my classes. Like I legit just gave up. Before I would panic and become overwhelmed when an assignment was due soon but then now I legit don't feel anything.
I should be panicking right now. I should be worried right now. But I don't feel anything. I know I'm going to fail my classes this semester but why don't I feel anything. If I fail that means I'll have to retake the classes again to replace them with a better grade. It also means that I'll be another year or two behind. Maybe three years it depends because since I've been avoiding applying for FAFSA for months I have to pay for my classes that I take every semester but since I have no job and no money I can't pay for it. So that means I won't be getting my AA and transferring to a UC until I'm 25, 26 or 27 which that makes me feel embarrassed because it should just take two years to get your AA. But since I can only take 2 classes per semester and I can't handle taking 4 classes or more it is going to take me longer. Then that means I won't be getting my bachelor's degree until I'm close to my 30's. I don't know why I've been thinking about my future too much. Maybe that's why I'm dissociating because I don't want to feel anything when I think about the future. Usually I get a lot of anxiety when I do think about the future too much. I really didn't know that being an adult would be this hard. Why didn't god make me an academic student from the beginning. I could've been attending a UC right now or at least be close to graduating from one.
I'm still stuck in the same place. I want to change my life but I don't know how. I don't know where to begin. I compare myself too much to other people who have their shit together and I make myself feel bad and I make that feeling stay with me instead of not caring about it and letting it go. Will I ever be successful in the future? Am I ever going to make myself and my family proud of me? Why can't I be an overachiever? Why can't I retain any information when I study or do readings? Will I ever graduate from a university? Why is it taking a long time to get there? Is it my fault?
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