Audacity of Brilliance

Welcome to my world where dreams and reality collide

[vexxed-soho]

Sick Cycle Carousel

You swore this would never happened again, yet here we are again; right back where we have told ourselves for so many countless times we’d never be again. Do you enjoy having your scars reopened, do you enjoy hurting while nobody else cares? Because you realize that’s exactly what it is, they never, ever care. All that happens is you throw yourself some bullshit pity party and you resolve to never let it happen again. You want to drink? Sure buddy, have at it, you and I both know that it’ll never help – matter of fact, smoke your lungs out while you’re at it, buy two packs and go back to smoking like you used to every Friday night, with liquor and two packs of cigarettes.

 What did you expect to happen? You read the signs, you saw the lack of interest but you still chose to pursue it, you chose to say ‘sure I’ll do this again.’ Do you think it fuckin’ matters how hard we try? No, it never has and never will because at the end of the day, we always do things for those who will never care for the things we do, they will never reciprocate what it is that we do because why would they? It’s not like the feel remotely the same – you asked her to explicitly tell you if she felt the same and did she? Abso-fucking-lutely not, are you surprised? But then you ask and then you go into this deep dark rabbit hole, you go into this place where nothing matters, you just want to hurt, you just want to burn and wallow in your pain and your throbbing bullshit sadness. You know she isn’t going to ever read this because first of all, I don’t even think she ever read your shit, even if she did, it was literally to appease your request. Let’s be honest, you think she’s read your most recent post? Nope, you think she really cares “if you’re ok”? Ask yourself that.

 I realize that me speaking to you this way doesn’t help in the least, but you want to think this way, you want the hurt to come, it’s like you enjoy running into walls because that’s all you’ve done all these years, run into giant fuckin walls that you see a mile away. What was the purpose of doing all these things and making these grand fuckin’ gestures? Did you think you could fuckin’ woo her into feeling something that was never there to begin with? It’s fuckin laughable, it’s always been laughable.

 If you really wanted to sink to the same lows, you could do the cutting again, that seemed to help; it’s been, what? A decade and a half since you’ve done it? The  scars are still there are they not? Maybe go deeper this time.

 He sat there, his blank eyes staring into the nothingness that he felt. The darkness of the room allowed him to feel something familiar, it was an acceptance that he never felt he’d have. It was always like this, time and time again, he’d find himself wanting what he would never have, believing that time and time again, it’d be different, but when was it ever different? It never was, all that was different was the woman. It was laughable and pathetic how much he allowed himself to be beaten down by the feelings of hurt and pain that followed because no matter what ensued, they would always leave, they would always end up telling him that the love he thought could be never was going to be. It’s a story as old as man.

 Maybe I do just go back to the things that helped me cope, the want for love is always lingering, I hate it. I don’t think she’ll ever read this so we’re safe, we’re good.

Did you delete the app? Did you remove yourself like you’ve done all the other times?

I deleted the app but I didn’t remove myself, I want to, I want to just fuckin’ disappear, I want to just rewind time and just erase this from ever having happened but I can’t.

You made the decision, you thought things were going to go well, you thought this time, like every other single fuckin’ time, that this time was going to be different

It is different, I just haven’t changed enough I suppose, I haven’t grown enough.

What do you expect from this? What do you want? You want her to come to you and tell  you that she has some fuckin’ undying love for you? That you were her answer from fuckin Jesus for the man of her dreams? What do you want? Cuz you and I both know none of that is going to happen.

 I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I WANT, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I EXPECTED, I JUST DID IT BECAUSE I WANTED T0 – OR AT LEAST THAT’S HOW I FELT, I JUST THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE A CHANCE OF SOMETHING HAPPENING, THAT MAYBE….FUCK FORGET IT, I DON’T KNOW  WHY I EVER THINK SHIT CAN HAPPEN, IT NEVER DOES AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

I hate this, I hate how I hurt and how I care, I hate how I’m attached and how I look forward to seeing you and try to find times where I can come see you even if it means driving half an hour; I hate how fuckin’ willing and creative I am to do things that are so fuckin out of the ordinary and borderline insane, like driving 4 fuckin hours to get you the ice cream that you love and you never thought you’d have again. Did I ever tell you that we stayed for literally 15 minutes? We literally drove for 2 hours, grabbed the ice cream and then drove right back home; that was the trip and why? Because I wanted you to know you were special but I feel like such a fuckin idiot, I feel like such a moron because sure, you might feel special, but it’s not like it made a difference. I didn’t do it so that you’d somehow see me differently or some shit, but I hoped that you saw that I was that for real as a person, as a …. partner. What a joke.

So if you’re reading this, don’t feel bad; you’re not the first to say no and you’re not the last.

Did I mention how much I hate feelings? I hate emotions, I hate feelings.

FEELINGS. FUCKING. SUCK.

I’m done talking, I doubt you’ll ever read this and if you do, don’t talk to me about this, don’t talk to me about how I feel. I don’t need you to make sure I’m ok because you can’t, there is no way that YOU can ensure I’m “ok”, it doesn’t work that way. I’m alone in this, I’m alone in this feeling, in this bullshit. I’ve always been alone, it’s just how things are. Why do I long for marriage and love and kids? Because it proves to me that I’m actually worth it, because you want me to be dead honest? I have never, ever felt like I have been worth it with those that I want. It’s just how it goes, story of my fuckin’ life.

So if you think it’s easier to leave, then leave, you won’t be the first and you definitely will not ever be the last. I’m used to having people leave, why do you think I’m so well insulated? It took me years to build what I have in terms of my support system. I’m used to be being left and abandoned, I’m used to having people say no, I’m used to people tell me what they don’t like and having people tell me why they think things wouldn’t work out. Dress it up any which way you want, ultimately, it comes down to the fact that I’m just not worth it…at the end of the day, if somebody thinks that another person is worth it, they’ll make compromise, they’ll work through things, they’ll do what they gotta do….

So don’t tell me you want to make sure I’m ok, because you can’t; you don’t take time out to make sure of this, you just say it – ultimately, your actions do not align with your words, but it’s ok, like I just said so many times, not the first and definitely not the last.

I’d say woe is me but fuck that, I’ll just go drink and smoke myself to sleep while throwing myself a grand fuckin pity part where nobody is invited.

[vexxed-soho]

Agrodolce

              She walked slowly towards him, her heart beating faster as she walked close. He sat there, his legs drawn up to chest and his gaze falling beyond the stars in the distance. He turned slowly as he heard her approaching.

              “Mind if I join you?” She asked quietly.

              He leaned his head to the right and turned back around to stare off again into the distance. She sat down next to him and heaved a heavy sigh.

              “Why are we here?” She asked as she followed his gaze into the distance.

              He shrugged, “I like it here, it’s peaceful, it’s calming; life’s been so crazy lately, everything seems to be coming at me all at once and there’s nothing that I can do to slow it down. It’s like the only thing that I can do is strap in and hold on for dear life.” He fished a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit a cigarette.

              “Why did you reach out again?” She asked turning to look at him.

              He chuckled, “Why didn’t you keep me blocked?” He took a long drag of his cigarette and turned to return her gaze.

              “I don’t know, I didn’t think you’d try and reach out again. It’s been a year, I thought for sure you would’ve moved on.”

              He shifted slightly, “I have, I just wanted to see you again, I wanted to reconnect- if even just for a moment.”

              “Why though?” She asked. “You know that once we ended things, they were done, for good.”

              He straightened out his legs and leaned back on his hands, never did he imagine that he’d be here; he never thought she’d ever see him again. Had he moved on? He had, but there was always that place in his heart that she had held, he needed to let that part of his heart go, he had to put it to rest. There was no way that he could do that unless he saw her again, he wasn’t in love with her, he had moved on, found others as he was sure she had as well.

              “Because there’s a part of me that still has yet to go, there’s a part of me that I want to let go of; it’s the last piece of me that ever belonged to you, the piece that would visit during those cold, lonely nights, the nights where I questioned why I was the one that fucked up, the nights where I would find myself hurting all over again. That piece of me was the piece of me that I wanted to give you to forever, the piece that told me that forever was something that we could have. I’ve come to bury that piece of myself and I needed you here to do that.”

              “I told you that I wouldn’t give you closure, I told you that I was only doing this because I have decency as a human but I’m never getting back with you-“

              “I’m not asking you to get back with me,” He interrupted, “I’m not asking for another shot, I’m not saying that I want to try things again; I’m saying that I need to bury this piece of me because you never took it, you just left it there in a thousand pieces and spat on it when you walked out. I don’t think you understand how broken I was when you left, I don’t think you understand what you did to me.”

              “I didn’t do anything, you brought it all on yourself; if you never lied, if there were never other women, there wouldn’t have been any issues, we would’ve been fine; I told you that I wanted to spend forever with you.”

              He chuckled dryly, “it would never have mattered if I did anything differently, it wouldn’t have mattered because there were things that you never unpacked, things that you never overcame and healed from; all you did was repackage it and bring it into what we had. I told you that I never cared what you had gone through and what issues you had but I never felt like I could talk to you. Every time something came up, it was always my fault, it was always my issue, and I was the piece of shit. I’m not here to throw shade, I’m not here to argue; at this point, I could care less about who’s fault it was and why. I’ve healed and I’ve moved on…” his voice trailed off, “most of me has healed and moved on.”

              “So what do you want then?” She asked, she ran her hands through her hair as she looked down.

              “I want to know if your life was better since I’ve been in it, I want to know if I left a positive impact on your life, I want to know that I fuckin’ mattered.”

              She heaved a sigh, “has life been better since you’ve been in it? Since you’ve left? Yes and no, yes, life has been better, but no it also hasn’t been because I reopened so many old scars, things that I thought I had overcome suddenly came back with a vengeance. Did you leave a positive impact on my life? I don’t know if I’m going to be honest with you, I just went about meeting a few guys here and there, I went and got my surgeries done- “

              “And did that restore your confidence in yourself?” He asked as he casted a sidelong glance.

              She looked up and sighed again, “I don’t know if I’m going to be honest; when I look in the mirror, I like what I see now but there’s an emptiness that came with it. Even though we had our issues, I did, to some degree, feel like you tried to love me for me but nowadays when I meet anybody, I question if they want me for me or if they want me for my body. So did you leave a positive impact? I can’t say, I want to say no, I want to say no because you ripped out my heart but I guess we did that to each other…” Her voice trailed off.

              “We did do that to each other, I never asked for it, I did make my mistakes, I did do things that I didn’t realize were tendencies that I had carried with me all these years but that’s why I agreed so early on to go to therapy because I wanted so badly to make things work.” He took a long drag of his cigarette and stared blankly as he watched the smoke dance up to the skies above.

              “ You did, I know all the effort that you put in and that’s why at the end of it all, when I saw that you gave up I was so hurt, I wondered if I had somehow lost my value in your eyes, if somehow I wasn’t worth it anymore; all of it seemed to happen overnight, it was so sudden. I know that you would’ve moved mountains for me, you would’ve given up everything for me, I know but there was too much that had happened, there was too much that we didn’t know how to overcome already and things just kept piling on. So did you matter? Of course you did, you really think I’d put up with all that if you didn’t? If it was any other guy, I would’ve left long ago.”

              “I know,” he said “I know that if I didn’t matter you would’ve left long ago but if I mattered why didn’t’ you try and work it out with me, you just always seemed to throw everything at me, you took all my faults and blamed them for all the things that were causing the turmoil between the two of us. I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anybody, I chose to love you more than I knew how to; everybody saw it, everybody saw how much you meant to me and how badly I wanted things to work out, I think at a point, I even lost myself. It took me a long time find myself again.”

              “So what now? I’ve answered your questions and you’ve told me everything that I’ve already heard before.”

              He shook his head and smile grimly, “Now? Now I tell you that you’re still one of the most amazing women that I’ve ever met, now I tell you that I truly hope you’re happy with your life and that I hope you find a man who can pour into you and love you more than I ever did. Now you take the piece of me and you bury it in a place where nobody will ever find it.”

              He stood up slowly and heaved a sigh, “thank you for everything, thank you for the heart wrenching lessons and the blistering truths; thank you for the realizations and thank you for showing me that I could be more than I thought I could be, for showing me that there is going to be somebody that can love me for me, that can accept me for all my flaws and imperfections, that there is going to be somebody who can fulfill all my desires and more, thank you for loving me in the way that you did and thank you for hurting me the way you did, if you never obliterated my world the way that you did I never would feel like I’d need to rebuild it and I have. I’ve rebuilt it and I’ve come further than I ever thought possible. So Sara, thank you, you once told me that as long as you made my life better when you left that your job was done, and you done your job, my life is better and if it wasn’t for you, I never would’ve pushed myself to be who I am now.”

              He turned and slowly walked away into the distance, she turned and watched him until he was swallowed by the horizon beyond.

 When love and trust are gone I guess this is moving on Everyone I do right does me wrong So every lonely night I sing this song

[vexxed-soho]

Persiguiendo el Viento

He sat atop the edge of the rooftop, he gazed out into the sleeping city; was this all there was to it? Was this the how it would end? He chuckled, his eyes moist and red. He took a long drag on his cigarette and he exhaled slowly, his vision blurring again. 

I never thought things would end, I always thought we’d be able to weather any storm, be able to fight through any battle, I thought...I thought you’d always stand by me. But hurt turned to pain and pain turned to bitterness, I thought you weren’t serious when you said that you were done, I thought it’d be just like every other time but...I guess I was wrong. It seems like I’m always wrong, I feel like I never matter at the end of the day, that you’d just lash out when you got hurt or when something was uncovered. The truth is that I never wanted to lie to you, the truth is that I lied to myself, I thought it was different this time around, I thought that you were the one that I would spend the rest of my life with; I guess I was wrong about that too. 

When we first started, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I wasn’t looking for commitment but I knew you were something different that I had ever encountered before, so I allowed myself to pursue things. I didn’t even realize it was happening until it happened. I should’ve never left things to the last minute or left them and not dealt with them, I should’ve resolved them earlier, much, much earlier. I didn’t though and it caused such a discourse between us that we were never the same again. 

I want to apologize for not being the one you thought I could be, I wanted so badly to be, I wanted to change so badly, I wanted you to know that you were right about me, that you were fighting for us was not in vain, that your friends weren’t right, that I wasn’t a piece of shit. Isn’t it always so much easier to walk away? I guess broken doesn’t know how to deal with broken. I never thought that I would ever go to these depths with anybody, I never thought anybody would ever be allowed in this far but you found your way. I opened up my world to you, and even though there were some scars along the way, I was happy that you were there, I was happy that you somehow became part of my inner sanctum. 

To say that I regret would be a lie, I’ve had the thought cross my mind but I know that it doesn’t matter what it is that I think, I know that me telling you that would only cause you to think otherwise, you always did. I think even those sparing times where you chose to believe me, there was still doubt there. I think maybe this is why I’ve found myself on top of this buliding, I don’t think I’ll feel it when it happens; I’ve considered other means, I’ve considered pills but these days, I dread sleep, I dread getting into bed. Whenever I lie down, the thoughts and all the memories just ravage me, my heart that I thought would stop hurting is shattered all over again. All I can think about are the times that we’ve shared a bed, all the times that I woke up to you, I know that most of those times were more bittersweet than happy but those are moments that are etched in gold in my mind. In the very furthest crevices of my mind, I still hope that one day we’ll share a bed and it will be for the rest of our lives. I don’t want to dream, I don’t want the cheap hope that the dreams give only to have them mockingly wiped away with the tears that come with the morning. 

I’ve considered the blade, I’ve done it before, except this time, it would be much, much deeper. I’ve heard that after a while, the pain subsides and you just don’t feel it much anymore. I’d like that, I’d like the pain to finally subside into the nothingness that I feel. I held it in my hand, the blade looked so familiar, it looked so comforting, it was such a heavy feeling, I had the letter written and everything but it just didn’t seem right. I want the pain to disappear, I want the pain to go away, the physical pain would only replace the excruciating pain that I feel now. 

I made changes, I really, really did. I just kept feeling like I was going to mess up, I kept thinking about how I would lose you; I guess all the other men before me felt the same way that I did, you could just walk out and not care; you told me that you were going to stay that you wanted to show me that you wouldn’t just walk out like all those other women had. I thought you understood, I thought you understood that I was just as broken as you, that I had things that I needed to unpack and I didn’t know how, that I was in pain and I didn’t know how alleviate it at all. 

I suppose this should be my letter then, I suppose this is my last pathetic attempt to reach you even though I know, with every fiber of my being that you’ll never care, that even after I’m gone, you’ll not bat an eyelash or stop and remember me even for a split second. So is life though I suppose; there is no coming back from this and there is no way for us to ever be because you have shown me, like every woman before you has, that ultimately, at the end of the day, I don’t meet the mark. 

I hate the night, it’s when the memories and all the thoughts come, it’s when I feel even more engulfed in pain than I thought possible. Maybe it’s only fair that I feel this pain, maybe it’s only fair that I meet you at this point, to know what  you’ve felt. I only wish I had done things differently but then, would it really have mattered? Would me doing everything by the book really helped? I think back on the times that you spoke about your other relationships, there was always something that set you off, the difference is that you tried to work it out and it didn’t matter. I wanted to, I changed, I tried to continue to change, but there were some things that would take time, things that I had to face on my own and I was facing them, I just never told you; I just always felt like it was something that I had shoulder and carry on my own. 

So since you tried before and it didn’t work out with him, you walk the second there is any issue that presents itself? I know I have my faults, but you said that you love me for me; you said that you loved me for the good, the bad and the ugly. You said that you knew how to love unconditionally yet none of this was unconditional, how can it be when I’m told that it’s my last chance, how can any relationship withstand that kind of promise? I don’t think about what men you’ve been with since me, I don’t think about if you think of me or not, you’ve made it clear that you don’t. In all the days since you’ve left, all I can think of is how my world came crashing down all over again. I swore to myself this would never happen again, that I would never let anybody in again, that nobody would ever do this to me again. I resisted because every single time it’s always been the same thing, every time, it’s false promises married with empty words and hollow actions. 

I suppose this is my final word to you, this is the finale that I never wanted to ever have happen, yet you don’t care; all that matters is that you remove this pain and with it, remove me. Has it ever crossed your mind that I tried, harder than I ever have and that there was a part of me that was always scared? No woman has ever proved me wrong...they’ve always shown me that I didn’t measure up, that my mistakes were unforgiveable, that my efforts meant exactly what I am: nothing. I thought this time it’d be different, but just like I always find myself being wrong, yet another woman has proved me right.

No matter what you think or what you’ve been told, regardless of all those things, I love you, I love you more than the air I breathe, more than obese people love cake, more than life itself. I know that I’ll just become a distant memory of what once was but is never ever again. 

He heaved a heavy sigh and stood up, he looked down to the quiet streets below, there were no cars, there were no people.

“I love you...” he whispered hoarsely as the tears swelled up.

He leaned forward and for a moment, it seemed like his spirit left his body, he saw his body, almost in slow motion, fall for what seemed to be eternity into the welcoming streets below.

R.I.P

J.S.

1989-2020

[vexxed-soho]

Al Amor que Nunca Tuve

When are you going to get tired of their hungry eyes stalking your every move, stripping off your outfit and chasing you down with the lust that burns in their system? I never understood why you always made the wrong choices, I never understood why you let them treat you the way you did, did you really believe that things would change? Did you really believe that they cared about you? What do you think they see when they look at you? You really think they see you for the amazing woman that you are? You and I both know that they see a woman whose bust is just the right kind of big, whose hips will sway and ride just the right way, whose lips don’t belong sealed to keep in the secrets that you hide away from the world. Does it bother you that they don’t see beyond the skin deep? I never thought the wine and dine would be enough for you to shed your facade and your clothing all at once, I see the pain that has since formed in your eyes, I see the scars that you carry from all the times you chose to believe only to be let down by the cruel truth that you looked better to them on your knees than they did on a bended knee. I see it all but I know that I am not what you would ever consider, I know that I am not what you ever choose - maybe it’s not just simply the fact that we only accept the love we think we deserve, maybe it’s that we look for a love we never had, maybe the possibility is so much more enticing than the grim reality that stares us unblinkingly in the face.

You were counting down the seconds til the world you had hoped would form imploded before your very eyes, you knew it was coming but you chose to live in the moment, you drowned in the reality that maybe something was possible.

How much longer will you let who you are inside choose the man and not your blinded eyes and jaded ears? You had a good man that came along and instead of giving it that chance you told yourself you always would, you pushed it away; you rejected it because that foreign territory was too unfamiliar, you wanted to run back to the minefields that shattered you all too many times.

I suppose it’s time I stepped back to the fading away of nothingness, I will become that figment of imagination that you tell yourself probably didn’t exist to begin with. Sometimes I wish we could trade places, sometimes I wish me telling you the putrid truth would ring more true than the sweet nothingness that they gently whisper...

_______________________________________________________________

Does it bother you that I chase after these fleeting moments with these fickle men? Does it bother you that they shower me with gifts that you could never give me? I never understood why you cared about the choices I made, I never understood why you care how they treat me because I never cared if things changed or not. At the end of the day I never cared if they really cared about me or not, sometimes the act is better with the mask on and sometimes the escape is sweeter than the last stand. 

I’ve counted down the seconds til the world I know would never form imploded before my very eyes, I knew it was coming and I did live in that moment, I drank it in for all it was before the heart wrenching implosion of fireworks consumed my entire world. The sad truth is that sometimes, you have to drown before you can learn to swim. 

The truth is that I always chose you over all of the rest of them, the truth is that I never told you because I never thought it would work out between us, I never thought you could ever possibly love somebody as broken and as scarred as me. I knew you were a once in a lifetime from the moment my eyes caught sight of you walking towards me on that first day we met. I wanted so badly for you to take charge for once and to just man up and tell me how you felt, I wanted so badly for you to confess to me how badly you wanted me and how badly you wanted to get down on bended knee for me and to lift me up from the position I’ve learned to assume when I’m down on my knees. 

I suppose it’s time for me to grab a hold of your hand and pull you out of the nothingness that you find yourself fading away into, you’ll always my therefore  and I am. I know you think that I don’t think that your concrete truths have fallen upon deaf ears that only ever crave for the soft nothingness that they spew....

_____________________________________________________________

He stepped out of the car and slowly closed the door; he looked up at the house that never felt so big. He strode over to the door, bouquet in hand; he took the hand-written letter from out of his jacket pocket and slowly placed both things down in front of the door, he went to reach out for the doorbell and paused, maybe this wasn’t the best idea, maybe it was best he just left. _______________________________________________________________

She opened the door to find a bouquet of her favourite flowers and a letter with her name on it lying lifelessly on the ground. Picking up both the bouquet and the letter she opened the letter slowly, she recognized the writing....

I never imagined somebody as amazing as you, I never could’ve thought that you were real, that somebody like you was spoken into existence, I didn’t think it was possible. Yet here you are, in the flesh, the epitome of everything that I’ve ever wanted and all that I’ve ever asked for in a woman. I understand that I am and never will be among the never ending list of suitors and men that fall over each other for even a second of your seemingly glorious attention. I know that I tried, I can’t say it was easy, I had to play it cool, I had to ensure that you never caught wind of my intentions, I had to stay in the background and only fade into view when it seemed right to. I know that this is a love that never was and never could be, I know that I’m not rich enough, I’m not good looking enough, and I don’t make you swoon the way all the other men do. I wanted you to finally stand up for your worth, to soar above all the lies and all the stories that you’re told til you ride above it all on eagle’s wings. I wanted you to be happy, for you to experience the happiness that this world cannot give, a happiness that this world does not know; at one point, I thought I would be able to give that to you but I realize now how stupid I was to think such things. 

This is the last time you’ll hear from me, I’m moving. I’ve sold everything and I’m off into the horizon to see where life will bring me. I wish you all the happiness that existed from the beginning of time til the end of days when the sun refuses to shine any longer. I hope you find somebody that sees you for you, somebody who sees beyond the luscious curves and incomprehensible beauty, somebody who will love you unconditionally until your hair turns grey and your skin begins to lose the form it once took. 

For what it’s worth, I love you, I want you to know that. I know I never told you and I know I never knew how to. I just always felt like it was something that was so unfair to you, I feel like by telling you, I’d rob you of the ability to confide in me. I didn’t want to ruin things and I didn’t want you to feel like I was, what you always tell me I’m not, just another guy. I love you to the moon and back, I love you to infinity and beyond...but part of loving somebody is being able to let them go and so this is me, learning to let you go. So spread your wings and soar, take to the skies, make the world realize that you are a force to be reckoned with, take it by storm and when you rise to the top I’ll be looking up telling everybody that I knew you could do it all along.

Goodbye.

[vexxed-soho]

Eres Preciosa

He sat there, dumbfounded, he stared into space as she sat beside him, the tears falling endlessly. 

When he had gotten the call he had dropped everything and gotten in his car, he had never driven so fast in life; he didn’t care what ticket he got, he didn’t care what red light he ran across, all that he cared about was getting to her. She had stumbled into the car and dropped her body into the passenger seat, she stared off into the distance, her unblinking eyes telling him how much she didn’t want to believe what had just happened. He slowly reached across and pulled her seat belt into place. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do, he just started to drive.

The tears came part way to her place, they came so suddenly and so harshly. He pulled into a parking lot and parked the car, slowly taking the keys out of the ignition he leaned back into his seat and sat there, at a loss for words and a quiet rage building up inside of him. 

She gathered herself and wiped her tears but they both knew they would come again, she lowered her head and began to tell him what had transpired. Her words cut through him, she had trusted the guy, she had gone over because he had shown her a good time the week before. She had told him about the guy, she had told him not worry, she had told him that he was just overthinking and that nothing was going to happen. She told him how he was so nice to her, how he had made sure she felt comfortable. 

“Everything felt so natural, he got my favourite wine, he had made sure that I was comfortable and it was going so well...” Her voice trailed off as the first tear fell from her eyes. “He put on this movie that he told me I had to watch, we started watching it and he just kept telling me to drink more wine because he had gotten it just for me; with every empty glass came a full one right after, I don’t remember how many I had. I started saying no but he kept pouring, we went through one bottle and he had another one he opened. I stood up to go to the washroom and he grabbed me...” Her voice trailed off again and she gave into her sobs, she let her tears consume her as she buried her face in her hands. 

She was about to continue when he thew his arms around her and pulled her into a tight embrace, “Stop, stop, you don’t need to tell me, you don’t need to talk about it, you’re safe now, I’m here.” He fought back tears of rage, he tried to quell the rage but the shaking of his body betrayed him. 

She collapsed in his arms and let all out all the pain and anguish, “why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?” She sobbed, his heart breaking with every heave and every gasp as she broke down. 

He sat there, dumbfounded. He was at a loss for words, he didn’t know what to say, what to do. He wanted to tell her that he’d deal with the guy, that he’d take care of it all but he knew that doing that would never take away the pain, it would never erase the memories that would scar her for years to come. He knew that doing anything to the guy wouldn’t give her back the dignity that she had lost, it would never earn back the trust that she would soon lose in men. A million words swarmed in his head, a million things that he wanted to say but none of them spilling forth. Eventually, her sobs stopped and she sat back up, her moist eyes still dull, the light in them snuffed out by the cruel actions of a cowardly, pathetic excuse for a man. 

“I just want to go home,” she said quietly.

He started the car again and began the drive back to her place. 

If he had stopped her would this never have happened? If he somehow convinced her that this was his intention all along, would he have saved her from this traumatic happening? So many questions incessantly buzzed in his mind as he drove along. He knew what had happened the second he heard her voice on the phone when she had called. It pained him that his gut feeling was right, he hated that he knew this was going to happen, he hated that he hadn’t tried to do anything to stop this from happening.

The truth was that he had always loved her but he knew that she would never feel the same way, he knew that it was a dream that would never become a blissful reality. He knew that it was pointless to pursue that dream and so he stood on the sidelines, he supported her where he could, saw her when she wanted to see him, talked when she wanted to talk to him. He knew that this night would change things forever, not only for her but for him. 

As he pulled up to her place and put the car in park, he turned to her, “I’ll always be here for you.” He said in a quiet whisper.

She took a hold of his hand and squeezed it, “I know, I know, I just need to be alone right now.”

She got out of his car and slowly walked to the door, he waited til she had gone into her home before he pulled out and began driving back home himself. There were so many things that he could’ve said, yet all he could manage were those few simple words; he wanted to say something that would heal her instantaneously, he wanted to say something that would pull her from the pain, release her from the grip of shame and guilt that he knew would wash over her later in the night. 

Maybe one day she would feel the same way about him that he felt about her, maybe one day she would look into his eyes and see the same forever that he saw in hers. Maybe, just maybe. Til then, he knew that what she needed was the love he had always shown her, the same love he had shown this very night. He knew it was going to be a long, painful process to heal from all this. He would do as he always had, he would stand by her side, he would pick her up when she fell and he would make sure she knew that he would be there for her. 

Sometimes, loving somebody isn’t having them or being with them, sometimes, love is just making sure they know that even when it seems like the world has turned it’s back, that you’ll never do the same to them...

I may not be able to protect you from all the bullshit in this world, but I sure as hell am going to make sure that you know you’re not going to go through it alone...

[vexxed-soho]

Amor Agridulce

“Was I ever enough?” He asked quietly.

The room dark and the distance between them seemed to span into eternity.

She heaved a sigh, “It was, at one point, it was.”

He took a long drag on his cigarette and let the words that she just spoke echo in his head, he leaned his head back against the wall and let his eyes wander upward, he stared blankly at the ceiling.

“I just wasn’t ready for the enough that you gave me, I wasn’t in a place where I could have given you that enough in return. I wasn’t in a place where I could let you in; I had so many doubts, so many unknowns, I hated how torn I would feel, I hated how bad I would feel whenever you would do something for me. You did so much for, put out so much, sacrificed so much and I knew that I didn’t have the capacity to give you what you were giving me, I knew that you were just going to run into a wall but you kept running, you ran head first, it’s like you didn’t how much it would hurt when you finally hit the wall. I didn’t know how to let you down and truth be told, I liked the attention, I enjoyed the time you spent on me and with me, I liked that I could get all that from you without having to give anything in return, it was so refreshing but I knew that I wouldn’t be giving you anything in return, not even the simple thing that you had asked for. “ She shifted slightly and took a sip of her drink.

“I never wanted to give up you know,” he said took a sip of his own drink, after he had let the liquor down his throat he took a hold of the bottle and took a long swig, the burn reminding him of the pain that he was in. He continued to stare blankly up at the ceiling, he never thought it would ever turn out this way. “I thought that if I did enough, gave enough and sacrificed enough that you’d somehow change your mind, that something in you would finally respond to all the things I was trying. I don’t know why I was so tireless with everything that I did for you, I didn’t care what it took. When you told me that he had gotten you pregnant, the first thing I looked at was my bank account, the first thing that I did was make sure that if push came to shove, I had enough to hold it down; I didn’t even care if that kid wasn’t mine, I was going to love it like it was.”

She fought back the tears, “I had to give it up, I had to abort it, I can’t have a kid, not right now, I’m not in a position to take care of it; I know that you would’ve taken care of it, I know you didn’t care if people said you were stupid for it and I know people told you that you were stupid for it. I know you would’ve done everything but I didn’t want you to take care of it, I wanted him to, I thought he was going to change, I thought that this was what it was going to take but instead he told me I had to get rid of it and left, he even offered me money to do it. I loved him, I loved him more than I loved myself, I told myself that he’d change, I told him that no matter what was gonna happen that I’d stand by him. He didn’t care, he just used me and continued to use me. I feel so stupid, I feel so, so stupid.” She wiped away the tears as they came slowly down, she felt her heart ache in a way she never thought she would.

He took another drag of his cigarette and continued to stare upward, “I never thought I’d do this much for somebody, I had always believed that I would do anything but this was far beyond anything I’d ever done, I never thought I’d do all this; you know Jack wouldn’t be happy, he’d say that I had put too much time and money into this.”

She laughed then, through the tears, she laughed with a joy that had been amiss for so long, “he’d also tell you that you were wasting resources.”

“That too,” he said distantly, his eyes finally falling til her frame was the only thing that he saw, “it didn’t matter to me though, I never cared how much I needed to put down into an operation like that, I pulled favours that could’ve been called in for things much bigger than this, if you ask me though, I’d do it all over again, I wouldn’t care.”

“I know,” she said weakly, “I didn’t think you would, but you did, you didn’t ask  me any questions, you just took care of it.”

“The decision was mine to make, I’m the last remaining of the Family, I make the calls, nobody else has the right to challenge me; without me, none of the these mouths would be fed, everybody knows that. I knew that sooner or later, this would be something that you would ask me to do and even if you were so far gone that you didn’t ask me, I would’ve made the decision to have it done.”

She rose from her seated position and she slowly walked over to where he sat, lowering herself beside him, she rested her head on his shoulder and took a hold of his cigarette, bringing it to her lips, she took a long drag.

“You know that I never considered it, even though he hurt me I never wanted any harm to come to him, I never wanted to have him out of my life, he was what I put everything on, he was my all.” She took another drag of the cigarette and passed it back to him.

He took it and flicked the ash from the cherry of the cigarette, he placed it to his lips and took a drag, “I took care of it, I hope you never ask me how because you don’t want to know.”

“Did he beg?” She asked looked up at him.

“He laughed, he laughed at the irony of it all, til his last moments, he was an arrogant piece of shit. I saw the fear in his eyes though in the very last seconds, when he realized that I was for real. I don’t think he ever imagined that I was capable of it all. It doesn’t matter though,” he leaned his head down and kissed her on the forehead lightly. “You’re safe now, that’s all that matters, he’s never going to give you any problems ever again. Not him nor any of his people, they all know what happened and they know that I’m behind you, they’ll make sure to leave you alone.”

There was long comfortable silence.

“Why did you stop chasing me? Why did you stop trying with me? You stopped trying to get my attention, you stopped doing all those things for me, why?”

He heaved a heavy sigh, “because I realized how pointless it was, I realized how much it wouldn’t matter. I knew that no matter how much I tried, he would always be the one that you had given your heart to and you never bothered to take it back, you never cared about the other men, you got with them to make him jealous, you wanted the whole world to think that you had moved on but you and I both knew that wasn’t the truth. I had to remove myself before I burned out; it was sad, I was going to burn out from doing things for somebody who didn’t even care. I knew you didn’t care because when I stopped, you didn’t ask why, you didn’t come to me and try and get more of the attention that I once gave so freely. “

She took his cigarette again and after taking a drag, she exhaled slowly, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“I know,” he replied as he lit another cigarette, “I’m surprised you ever came back and contacted me, I thought you had moved on, I thought what I did never amounted to anything or mattered.”

“No other guy gave me the same attention and the same care, it was something that I realized no money in the world could buy; I know some women vie for that, some of them don’t care about the attention or the care, they just want the things of the world, the travelling, the cars, the money, the clothes, all the designer things that the world can buy. After all of that, I realized how empty I still was, I had accomplished so much, I had done so much and achieved so much but it felt empty. Before it all, men would chase me for my body, they’d chase me to do me; after I started up my company and my business, men started wanting me for my network and my body, none of them wanted me for me, of course, they’d all say they do but it was all lies. I realized that I wanted somebody who wanted me for me, all of me, me for who I was before all this happened and I couldn’t find it anywhere. I was sitting on my balcony one night and I realized that you were the only man that had ever bothered loving me for who I was. At the time, when you were giving me all that attention, I didn’t think it was love, I was just flattered, but I read your writing, I read the things you wrote and I realized that every single thing was about me, I realized that you were actually in love me but you never said anything, you just did whatever you needed to do for me to make sure I was good. I don’t think you know how rare that is to find, I don’t think any woman really does, and that’s the sad thing, I could’ve avoided so much pain and so much heartache if I had just given you a chance. I just didn’t feel attracted to you but that night, all those years later, when you came to me when I called you in the middle of the night and you came straight to me, no questions asked, that’s when I knew that I needed to keep you in my life.”

She stood up and extended her hand, “come to bed, I want you with me...”

He awoke with a heavy head, his eyes still moist and his pillow soaked. He turned his head to cold bitter reality that it had all been a dream, it was so real, it was so close, he had reached out and touched her, he had lay in bed with her and he had made sweet loving to her, he had expressed all the years of love in that one exhilarating and euphoric moment. Yet here he lay, alone and cold, with the daunting realization that it was all a dream. The truth seemed to snicker and sneer at him, she would never choose him, she would never come back him to tell him that the love he had chosen to so freely and abundantly given had amounted to something.

Everybody loves dreams, because they give so much hope, because in the blissful dreams, there is no pain, no rejection, no fear...but then those dreams end, and that’s when the pain that you wanted to fight away comes and engulfs everything that you are...

The hope is that one day you see you the way I see you, the hope is that one day  you see me as I see you, the hope is that one day we see each other as we should be: perfect in imperfection.

[vexxed-soho]

If my words could make you fall in love, baby don't you know I'd write forever...

SoHo

[vexxed-soho]

Amor Nunca Requerido

te he amado durante mil años

te amaré por un mil más

The millions of thoughts swarmed around his head, not a single one wanting to be placed onto the page as he sat, pen in hand, hoping desperately to pour out each and every thought, each and every feeling, each and every memory. All he wanted was to unload everything, to wipe the slate clean. How could he feel so strongly for somebody that had never and would never know how he felt? He had tried to so many times to convince himself that telling her was the right idea, that he should just man up and do it. There were many times where he had come so close only to have the words stuck in his throat without any intention of coming forth. 

She didn’t know his story, all she knew was that he cared, all she knew was that he had told her all these things that he wanted to do for her; in truth, he knew that she didn’t care, he was just another stranger that probably just wanted her attention, another guy who was just going to do what all the others had done, use her, abuse her and leave her. If only she knew how far from the truth that was, he had watched from afar, his heart breaking as he saw her fall, as he saw how damaged she had become, all the mistreatment that she had endured til finally she found the strength to move on. When he found out about what had happened, he wanted to just run to her, to just wrap his arms around her brokenness and mend it all back together, to just lay her in his arms and fight away all the pain and scars but what had been done was done, the damage had taken it’s toll. 

He recognized the jadedness of her spirit, he saw the hollowness in her eyes, felt the emptiness in her chest, even after she found herself, he knew that the piece of her that she had given away would never come back to her, it was a daunting reality that he knew all too well. The jadedness would turn to a burning desire to never, ever be in the same position again, regardless of what that looked like and whatever form it took, it all ended the same way, with a cold disbelief that reaching the peak of the tiresome and perilous mountain was nowhere near as satisfying as it seemed in their minds.

He knew she’d create an empire, he knew that she would shatter records and break necks and heads, he knew that she was a force to be reckoned with. All the while she when she was on her constant grind, he also knew that she still longed to be loved, she still longed to be held, to be told that she was beautiful and not a beautiful that came from the lusting of eyes or the burning of loins, it was a beautiful that was timeless, one that never faded with the burden of time and curse of mortality. He knew that she still wanted to believe that unconditional love existed, that there would be somebody that would look past her scars, past her imperfections, all the mistakes and the drunken decisions that she had once made. He knew that it would never be up to him to show her these things, that she would never long for him or see him in the same light that he saw her; at the end of the day, it would all be for nothing, all the effort that he put in would be a distant memory that would fade away with the sands of time, an inevitability that he never wanted to acknowledge as truth or fact. 

He wanted to build an empire with her, he wanted to give her more than the entire world, he wanted to bring her the universe, to pull the stars down from where they were, to wish upon the fallen stars and to dance upon the mooon. He wanted her to know that there was somebody who cherished her for everything that she was, the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet here he was, sitting in a dark room, pen in hand, waiting so patiently for the words to form, for the feelings that he had so carefully put away to come spilling forth. Instead, the only thing that spilled forth were tears, tears that he swore he’d never shed for a woman who he would never love, a woman who he would never be able to love; not because he wasn’t capable of the love that transcended time and space, no, it was because he would never be who she would choose, her eyes were still set on the same breed that had taken her, used her, abused her, and broken her. His face fell into his shaking hands. Why did she only accept the love that she thought she deserved? Why did she only accept love from the same breed that had broken her? Why did she continue to allow for the same sick cycle carousel to take her around and around? She was better than all of that, she was more amazing, more beautiful, more precious, she was was a woman to walk the earth with, a woman that would be there even when the world turned it’s back. 

None of that mattered though, he knew that. All of this was a rouse, it was all a dream, a sick, heart wrenching dream that would only end when the sad reality came shattering forth.  

I wanted you to know that I cared, that I saw you from the distance at which I stood and I cheered for you, that my heart - my being, broke for you when I saw what had been done to you, I know that you went through a dark time, I know that you went through a time that you want to close the chapter to. I see your scars and I see the pain, I see the quiet desperation in your eyes, a desperation to find somebody that truly understands, somebody who will love you the way you know is possible, one that transcends human understanding and sees past all the blemishes and bullshit. I wanted you to know that I had always been there, whether it be through my writing or my words, I was there even when you thought nobody was there but this time will be no different from the last, you will move to the next level, a level I’ve already ascended from and you will forget that I ever existed, you will forget all that I said, all the time that I spent, you will push me away because that’s what you do, you push away those who you think are too good for you, you don’t truly want a man who will stand by you when the world closes in on you, you think it’s what you want but when that comes around, you flee. 

Tell me, how long will you hold out? How long will you allow yourself to be wined and dined, how long will you allow yourself to believe the sweet nothingness that spew from the forked tongues of venomous failures? Are you so enticed by the riches and glamour of the world that you’ve exchanged  your dreams for ones that are filled with fleeting and hollow nothingness? 

I suppose this is where I take my leave, after all, it won’t be first time I disappeared from  you, this won’t be the first time that I have been forgotten about, I guess what I say and all the time I spend still doesn’t amount to anything. I understand, looks extend further than character and love, money extends further than true riches and exponential financial wealth. I understand, you want somebody who will sell you the idea that they’ve already created an empire and are waiting for you to take the  counterfeit crown; you’d like that more than standing by a man and put  your hands on his as you grind with him til the empire has been built. I don’t blame you, the initial rise is such a thrill, but what’s been created overnight will crash and burn just as fast. 

I wish you all the best, even if you don’t think the best will ever be with me. I understand, after all, who am I to you really?

Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down "Why in the hell did I jump?"

I’m falling and what sucks is that you won’t be there to catch me....

[vexxed-soho]

A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Younger Self:

I’ve put this letter off for some time now, not because this wasn’t important to me but because there’s so much that I want to say, so much that I want to warn you about, so much that I don’t you to go through. 

I apologize that you’ve had to go through the things you are right now but I want you to know that it gets better, it gets so much better; I’d love to tell you that you get married and have beautiful children but that isn’t part of the story for us yet, not even where I am. I know that right now, you want so badly to find ‘the one’, you want to believe that there is somebody for everybody, I want you to hold onto that, I don’t want you to lose that. You will be rejected a lot, many girls will play you, they’ll toy with you and they’ll try and break you, they’ll milk you for everything you have and them some but they won’t break you, even when you go through your first major breakup, you’ll live. The breakup will bring tears you never thought possible and for the first time ever, you’ll truly what it means to be jaded, what it means when people say that the colours of the world disappeared. It’ll definitely scar you but you’ll live and it’ll make you so much stronger. 

I know that right now you’re confused as to who you are what you were put on this earth for, I want you to know that you will find that out but it’ll be many, many years later. I know things at home are rough right now, I know there will come a time where death will seem sweeter than life itself but don’t take that route, there is light at the end of our dark tunnel. I know that after the first breakup you’ll go through more, there will be one in particular where you feel like all the heartache of all the breakups have culminated into one, do not, and i mean do not, take that blade and put it to your wrist, it’s not worth it. Women in your life will come and go, you will meet some that completely just blow you right out of the water, those few are the ones that will shatter you the most, they’re the ones that things will never work out with. It won’t matter how much you try or what you try, believe me, you’ll try everything but it’ll be to no avail. 

The good news is that through all the pain and heartache you’ll learn so much about yourself, you’ll learn so much about women and about love. I know that it might not sound like good news but believe me, it’ll build you up in a way you didn’t think possible. There is something that I have to warn you against though, in your early college years your oldest God brother that you’ve already met will introduce you to some people that will completely draw you in, they will teach you how to seduce women and they will teach you to manipulate them in ways most men never dreamed possible, you’ll master what they teach and you’ll go on your way and use what they’ve taught you - don’t. All you’ll find is that the world around you is so much more broken than you imagined, you’ll realize why you’ve always have a protective instinct when it comes to the women in your life. The experiences associated with seducing women will bring you down a deep, dark rabbit hole and it’s one that will take years to get out of. The good news is that you will come out of it, you will be disgusted with men who seduce women and who objectify women, it’s something that has already been ingrained into you from when you were a child but it’s something that has been lying dormant til that very point. 

Throughout your years, you will go through relationships and a lot of sex, luckily our penis doesn’t fall off but you’ll begin to realize later rather than sooner that every time you sleep with a woman, you give them a piece of you, a piece of you that you never really get back. Be wise, be careful and don’t jump in when it seems good because in most cases, if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. 

There is one thing that I have to prepare you for, I have to because there is going to be a series of events which will cripple you for years after it happens, to the world, you’ll seem fine, but deep down inside, there will be a pain from losing some very close people that never really leaves you. The people that you are close right now, those you call your God family, there will be a point in time years from where you are now where they will pass away, all of them; it’ll come like a tidal wave and it’ll be one wave after another. I don’t want you to be scared, I don’t want you to try and change anything because even now, where I am, there are questions that haven’t been answered. It’ll hurt more than death itself, the pain will ravage you in a way you never knew possible and as for our God father, you won’t be able to be there when they lay him to rest, it’ll be for your own protection and  your own good. I want you to be strong for me, I want you to strap down and keep your head up, I want you to keep looking and moving forward. I need you to promise me that you’ll be strong because in the middle of this shit storm, you will be abandoned by a woman who you thought you’d marry. 

We are survivors, we are the type to stand back up even after we’ve been beaten and bruised, we’re dreamers that dare to dream. Never try and change how big you dream, never allow yourself to limit the dreams that you have, there will be times where you think it’s just impossible but if I could tell you the things I’m doing right now in Real Estate where I am, it would literally blow your socks off. Hold strong and hold tight,  this ride called life only gets more wild as you grow older. I know you’ll make the right decisions and I know that you won’t be scared to lay it all on the line when it comes time to do so. 

I don’t want to say too much, just know that our family works things out and we find a love within our family that we never knew growing up, things work out for the most part, I’m sorry to report that we never get a dog and that we never end up where we thought we’d be when turned the big 3-0, but what I can tell you is that by the time you’re 31, you’re exactly where you want to be. 

I guess I’ll leave you with that...oh, and pull your pants up, put on a shirt that actually fits you and take them cornrows out your head, it’s not as good a look as you think it is. I look forward to having you experience all the things that are to come, to love, to cry, to laugh and to grieve, to experience all the bittersweet and beautiful things that life is going to take you through.

Yours Truly, Future Jay SoHo

[vexxed-soho]

Adios Para Siempre

He sat in the darkness, the ice clinking against the half empty glass as he brought it up to his lips. He stared out into the dark night sky, the vast abyss so inviting. He took a long sip and grimaced as the liquor burned it’s way down to his stomach, he placed the glass down and filled it up to the top. Was this really how it would end? Was he always just going to be destined to meet women who would leave him in the end? He chuckled bitterly at the thought, every time they would be swept off their feet in disbelief that somebody like him existed, then, without warning, they would leave, either scared or running back to the past that they knew all too well. He opened the pack of cigarettes lying on the table and placed on into his mouth, he lit the cigarette and took a long, deep drag. 

Silence had always been a good companion but tonight it was almost daunting. He didn’t know why it was so different this time around, it was as though she had taken something from him that he would never, ever get back. 

His phone rang, without looking at who was calling, he picked up, “hello?” He said lazily, the liquor clearly taking it’s effect.

“Um...hey.” Came the reply on the other end of the line. 

His heart skipped a beat and for a very brief moment, he felt like he had been pulled from his intoxicated state. “Uh, hey...” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry to call you so late but I was hoping we could talk.” She said.

“I don’t know what there is to talk about, we said our goodbyes.” He took a drag of his cigarette.

“I don’t really know how to say this but I guess I’m just going to say it: I made a mistake, I shouldn’t have gone back; we were broken up already but I went back because I thought it would be different, I thought I loved him. I know I hurt you I’m sorry.”

He gave a harsh chuckle and took another sip of his drink, “and what am I supposed to say to that? You made your choice, I told you that I respect your decision, I told you that if that’s what you wanted to do then so be it. I told you that it wasn’t the right decision to make, I told you that you were better off not doing what you did, but you didn’t listen and honestly, I don’t blame you because who am I really? I’m just another guy who came along at the right time and talked to you in the right way aren’t I? No, wait, there’s a difference, I’m the dumbass that caught feelings, I’m the idiot that swore that I could be different, so different, in fact, that you would choose me over him; I guess we’re all pretty fuckin’ stupid sometimes.”

She heaved a heavy sigh, “I was in love, or I mean, I thought I was in love, when I went back everything seemed so good, it was like it should’ve always been-”

“So why this call then?” He asked, interrupting her.

“Because when I thought back to the way we used to talk, when I thought back to how we were and how much you cared and how you made me feel, I realized that it was something that I needed and as much as it shocks me to say, it’s something that he can never give me. The way you poured out to me and the way you invested and believed in me is something I know he’ll never be able to do...” She sniffled, “look, I don’t know why I called, I don’t know how you’re going to take this, I never even knew I made you feel like shit, I never knew how you truly felt until you told me but at that time I just couldn’t reciprocate the way you wanted me to.”

He took another drag of his cigarette and drained the remainder of his glass. “You know how stupid I felt after it was all said and done? You know how badly I wanted to turn back the hands of time, to just remove you from my memories? To literally kill these stupid fuckin’ feelings and make it so that I would’ve never met you? I wanted to so, so badly, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t kill off the feelings, apparently alcohol and not eating doesn’t do the trick. I don’t even think you’ll believe me when I say that I loved you; I know we didn’t know each other for very long but that’s why I’m so  upset with myself, how did I allow my feelings to develop so fast? Why did i give into this grand fantastical belief that you would somehow miraculously get with me instead of him? I mean at that time I didn’t even tell you how I felt, I didn’t think there was a point. I honestly never should’ve but I knew it was a bad idea, I knew that it wouldn’t make a difference at the time. I never should’ve spent so much time and so much energy because I knew what was gonna happen at the end but like all humans, I’m stupid, I’m flawed and I see the best in people, I saw you for who you really were, I saw beyond all the scars and all the mistreatment. I hated how you had been used and abused, I hated how you were so jaded to so many things because of the pain your past had caused.” He took a hold of the bottle and tooka long swig. “But now you come back and tell me that you made a mistake, that you thought it’d work out but now it didn’t. So let me ask you, what the fuck am I to you? Why are you coming back? Do you just want to have somebody in your life? Is that it? I could’ve given you and everybody around you such a better life; it’s never about the money I know, but you and I both knew that I was the better choice, I just never said anything so there was no decision that had to be made.”

There was a brief silence, he leaned forward and put the bottle to his lips again.

“At first, I thought I would be happy; at first, I thought him and I could work it out, that we could move past all the bullshit in the past, I thought that this was it, that I would be able to finally have the relationship that I had always wanted. But then one day, what you said just randomly came up and I realized that it wasn’t going to work. He doesn’t know what he wants out of life, he has no aspirations and he’s not really going anywhere; he doesn’t understand what it is that I want, he doesn’t know how to support my dreams or my aspirations. There are so many times where things come up and he just doesn’t know what to do, I don’t even care if we have to argue to figure it out but when we argue about it, it’s not to figure it out, it’s because he doesn’t want to do something because he’s scared of change. I just feel like life scares him, he doesn’t know what to do except hide behind his physique and the things he escapes with.”

He heaved a sigh and tried to stand up only to fall back into his chair. “I knew that’s how he was but I didn’t want to say anything, I wanted you to be happy, I wanted you to be loved and I wanted you to finally be appreciated...even if that wasn’t going to be with me.” He felt the tears coming as he grimaced and tried so desperately to hold them at bay. He gasped for air and felt the familiar warmth cut across his body as the tears came spilling forth. “I gave a damn about you, I cared so much; I knew I shouldn’t have, I knew that it was a bad idea, I knew that reaching out to you to begin with was bad idea. Stupid me decided hey let’s just do this even though it’ll probably end badly; why did you have to call?” He asked, his tears betraying his voice, “why did you have to come and tell me all this, why? You could’ve just stuck it out with him and had your whatever fairy tale story ending, but you call and tell me how you made a mistake, how you should’ve just told me that you wanted me instead. You’ll never understand the pain, you’ll never understand how it felt to just exist because you wanted so bad to just end the pain, to wake up every morning to same fucked up reality that the one that you want doesn’t want you, that the one that you poured out to took it all and ran. You’ll never understand how much that all broke me, I wanted you so badly; I didn’t even care about your body, I didn’t care about how curvy you were, how much ass you had or whatever, I didn’t care about any of that because I saw you for who you are. I told you that you were beautiful, I told you that it was more than physical. Potential, you know I hate that word now? I hate that word because it’s what could be but almost always never will be, it’s the biggest tease in the English language. So now you come and you tell me that you made a mistake, that you regret, what would you have me do? Should I be stoked and excited? Should I thank you for coming back? I had to stand on the sidelines and watch as you ran oh, so happily into another wall of pain and disappointment. So tell me how I’m supposed to take this.”

She was quiet, the sound of her falling tears was deafening. “I don’t expect you to say okay, I don’t expect you to say yes; in all honesty, I didn’t know what you were gonna say. I just wanted to call and tell you how I felt, I wanted to let you know that I do care, that I always cared, even when those situations with other women came up, I cared. I knew how good you were, I have always known how  amazing you are...I just didn’t want that for myself because I thought I wanted him, I thought for sure going back would be so much better. I know I sound so stupid right now and I know there’s nothing I can do to take away the pain, I know me saying that I’m sorry won’t do anything but I am sorry; I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m sorry I didn’t see the truth earlier; I’m sorry that you felt betrayed, that you felt like I robbed you of something that was so pure.”

He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words, he tried so hard but the only thing that would come out were sobs of anguish. He let it all out then, he let all the pain, all the frustration, all the anguish. 

“This is probably the last conversation we’ll ever have, I don’t think you’ll see me again...” He said finally, his voice trailed off as he stood up and stumbled to the window and froze, “how did you find me?” He asked in disbelief, “I moved, I ran away, nobody knows where I am.”

“It’s the beauty of technology,” She said as she got out of her car, she looked up into the window of the estate he was standing in front of, “I came because I knew that a phone call would never be good enough, I knew that I needed to come in person.” She walked to the main doors, “are you going to let me in?”

He stumbled to the doorway and weakly opened the door, there she stood, in the flesh, all the dreams where he saw her, all the dreams that were so blissful and were torn away by the harsh awakening to reality, all those dreams now were the reality that she was really there, standing in the doorway, tears streaming down her face and a smile that brightened up even the darkest of days. He fell into her arms and lost his hold on his liquor bottle, it fell and shattered beside him. She stumbled back as he leaned into her, she righted herself and helped him stand again. He led her into the estate and slurred for her to close the door, as she did so he took a step and collapsed onto the floor; she ran to him and tried helping him up. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said quietly, he reached up and placed his hand on her tear stained face. 

Her eyes drifted from his gaze to the paralyzing reality of why he was so weak; she saw the blood on his wrists, she saw the deep, deep slashes. She cried out and grabbed both his arms only to find one identical to the other.

“There’s still hope, we’re not far from the hospital, they can get here in time,” she frantically reached for her phone only to have him guide her hands back into his.

“They won’t make it, I’m sorry for this, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to rid myself of the pain, nothing was right after you walked away, nothing had colour, nothing had smell, nothing had taste...” the tears began to flow from his eyes, “I’m so happy you came, I’m sorry it has to end like this, I’m sorry that I had to leave you this time.”

She sobbed as she closed her eyes in disbelief. 

This was not happening, this could not be happening, no. He was supposed to come out and pull her into the tightest embrace with the biggest bittersweet smile on his face. 

“I love you...” he said weakly as his eyes closed for the very last and final time. 

You stand at a distance, watching, hoping praying that they’ll come back, hoping that you’ll be the one they choose but at the end of the day, you know it’ll never happen and that, that my friend, hurts worse than death...

[vexxed-soho]

Rota Roto

I took a long drag of his cigarette, he embraced the burn in his lungs. He exhaled sharply and took another long drag. He slowly sat down and leaned forward propping his elbows on his knees; it wasn’t pain, it was so many things going through his mind, it was so many emotions, so many useless, stupid emotions. It hadn’t been that long, it never was that long, yet every time it was the same thing, it was the same broken record, the same hello and the exact same painful, heart wrenching goodbye. 

She stood there looking off into the sunset, he stood behind her, admiring her from a short distance. He knew this would play out the way it always did before, he knew that this time would be no different, yet every time he still dived in, head first. She was so precious yet she would never reciprocate anything, she would just do, what they all did: leave. What was the point in doing all this? He could never answer that question, he just always had the same hope, he just had the same love and care, he had been told it was how he was wired. He chuckled at the thought, such words were just to comfort him, it didn’t matter if that was how he was wired, he had tried oh, so many times to do what he thought was right, he had tried oh, so many times to hold on to what he never could, to love what he never could, to transform what he saw. They never did care at the end of the day, they would all simply do as the rest had: leave. He never understood what the point to all of it was, he never understood why so many of them were so broken, yet in their brokenness, they allowed the ones who hurt them to return and they swore it all over again that they would love them, that this time it was different. They always said that nobody truly understood them for who they were, they always said that the ones who broke them were the ones who were different. They would hold on so tightly to who they thought they were, they would allow the facade they had painted of the one who had broken them to replace what reality really was. At the end of the day, they could make all the excuses and construct all the reasons they wanted to, but the fact still remained that they were broken and the ones who broke them weren’t worth their time. 

He had always wanted to just bring them away from it all, but it didn’t matter, it never did and never would. He had heard it all before, they always told him that he didn’t understand, that the one who broke them really weren’t that bad, that everybody makes mistakes but that there was good in them. It wasn’t that they meant to hurt them, they just didn’t know what they were doing. It didn’t matter if the pain that as caused was emotional, psychological, physical or all of the above, they would somehow find a way to rationalize the behavior, to justify why they hurt them and somehow take them back. It was almost like clockwork and every time, he’d be left standing, like a fool, alone in the rain, watching as they walked away, leaving him hollow like he had always been. His tears would come, his heart would ache for days, even months, but it never truly mattered, he would just end up being forgotten like something that was once good, but not good enough to be forever. 

He stared out into the city skyline, it was always so serene and peaceful at night, when the whole world had closed it doors, when the whole city had returned to their beds, that was when his thoughts would come, along with the painful realization that the choice would never be him, he would never be the one that they chose. Did it matter? Probably not, even when they said they’d stay around, they never did. Eventually they’d all leave and he’d just stand there, with only the company of his thoughts and the crippling reality that what he thought would be, never will be, ever. This is where the story ends, this is where the thoughts stop haunting him, this is where his heart would stop aching, this is where he would make a choice, this is where he would choose himself, this is where he would free himself from the shackles of his own nothingness. 

He let the cigarette drop and he stood and leaned against the railing of his balcony, no money in the world, no sweet words or endearing gestures would ever matter, he knew this all too well. He looked down into the quiet streets below, what a fitting place to end all of it, the place where it all began. New york, new york, they called it the city of dreams; he chuckled at the irony that this is where he would end his nightmare, that this is where he would give life the middle finger and make his own decision. He closed his eyes and saw her face, he saw her hands holding his, saw her lips touching his, he heard her laughter and her ever soothing coo. 

He lifted himself onto his railing and sat upon it, he was so tired, so drained and exhausted from all the agony and pain, all the maybe’s that always became what if’s, he was tired of the trying, tired of the I’m sorry’s, he didn’t want to hear it anymore, he was done, he was pulling the plug. This was his letter, his declaration of intent, it didn’t matter if anybody cared or not, he was tired of them caring, he didn’t need it. He let his feet drop and rest upon the concrete of his balcony, the security of the glass no longer there on the other side. 

The pain was beyond excruciating, maybe happiness wasn’t meant for him, maybe he just wasn’t meant to ever be the choice that they made. It didn’t matter though, he would make his choice now and none would be the wiser.

He leaned forward and released his hold on his railing, he released his hold of his emotions, of his pain, of the never ending sick cycle carousel that never let him off; he let go of it all, all the memories, all the maybe’s and what if’s. He closed his eyes and allowed the emptiness of space and the sharp whirring of the air around him comfort him as he fell into the nothingness of the streets below....

You say you feel bad, but the truth is that I never wanted to let go. Why is it that I have to try and continue on with a smile? I really have no talents and the silence came so, so quickly, yet and still I will learn to let you go because I love you far too much...

R.I.P. Jay SoHo

10/18/1989 - 11/6/19

It. All. Ends. Here

[vexxed-soho]

Las Manos Del Tiempo

“Does she know?” His friend asked sitting down next to him.

He chuckled, “I’m never going to tell her, why would I? What is telling her going to do for me? What do you think is going to happen? You think she’ll magically run into my arms and she’ll just profess her undying love for me?” He shook his head, “there’s no point in that, you and I both know that won’t happen.”

His friend lit a cigarette and took a long drag watching the smoke dance away into the night. “I don’t think this is healthy, I mean, I think eventually you’re going to have to tell her; you could just keep it all in and just watch as she walks away, sooner or later, that’s what’s going to happen.”

He heaved a sigh and stared off into the distance, the world around him fast asleep while he sat, far above the city in a home that didn’t feel like home, living a life that was too fast for his own good. It was never that simple, he couldn’t just tell her, he just couldn’t. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t understand, it was that she didn’t feel the same and he knew that. He knew that she didn’t - she couldn’t. He had thought about it so much as of late, whenever he saw her he felt his breath caught in his throat, he felt his heart skip a beat. He never understood how somebody so beautiful could be treated so horribly; he had wished so many times that he had been there earlier, that they had met years ago, he wanted to go back in time and rescue her from all the hurt and all the things that she had to go through. Maybe if they had met years ago she wouldn’t be the way she was, maybe if they had met years ago he could’ve stopped so much of the bullshit from happening.

“You know you guys can’t be together, it wouldn’t work out, even if you gave her everything, all the money that you have, all the time that you could possibly give, you think that at the end of it all, she’d love you? You and I both know the answer to that. You can give somebody the entire world but at the end of all of it, it won’t mean a single thing. She’s so far gone that she doesn’t even know who she is anymore, that guy broke her, he shattered her to her core.”

He knew his friend was right but he refused to believe it, he refused to accept the fact that she was that far gone, that she would never be able to come back down to earth again. He swore that he could ground her, he swore that he could be the one who would make the difference, be the one who was the knight in shining armour. 

I wanted to rescue you from it all, I wanted to turn back the hands of time and save you from all the times where the men in your life took advantage, I wanted to so fuckin’ badly save you from the hurt you’ve had to endure, to carry through all those hard times, I wanted to provide you with the entire universe because that’s what you deserve. I hate how you’ve been mistreated, I hate how you’ve been used, how you’re just seen as this sexy girl with a banging body, you’re so much more than that, you’re so much more than just a sexy thing. I hate that I could never have been there when you were crying and hurt, the times where your heart shattered into a million pieces. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much my heart breaks to know how much you’ve been broken, I don’t think you’ll ever know the tears that I’ve shed knowing the pain you’ve had to endure, I wanted so fuckin’ badly to just take you away from it all, to just and wipe all the scars clean, to just take what you’ve had to go through and shoulder the pain myself. You’re worth so much more than what they tell you that you are, what they try and show you that you are, you are absolutely amazing and what hurts the most is that I’ll never be able to tell you that, I’ll never be able to show you what it’s like to be loved oh, so unconditionally til death do us part. 

I wanted to just wrap my arms around you, to shield you from every and all the pain, to keep you safe, to show you how you should be loved, I wanted to show you how eternity was found in your eyes. But I can’t, I can’t shield you, I can’t turn back the hands of time, I can’t undo what has already been done one too many times to you, I can’t pick up the millions of pieces that your world has been shattered into. Yet and still,  you’ll never know how I feel, you’ll never know the love that I have for you. 

You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you? 

I do, I do know. All. Too. Well

[vexxed-soho]

Alejarse

“Are your bags all packed?” He asked as she walked towards the door with her suitcase.

“This is basically all of it, I thought there would be more but this is it.”  She stopped at the door and heaved a heavy sigh. “Am I making a mistake? I mean, after all this time, I’m supposed to just pack up and leave? I tried, I tried so fuckin’ hard...” Her voice trailed off as she felt the tears begin to come; she had told herself that she wouldn’t allow anymore tears to fall, she swore to herself that she deserved better, that it was him who was losing out on something good. “What did I do wrong? What didn’t do for him? I tried to change, I tried to make it work. I sacrificed so much for him - I can’t help my past, I can’t control what it is that I’ve had to go through, I didn’t ask to be born into a family that was so ravaged by a series of unfortunate events...” She sank to the floor and her head collapsed into her hands.

He moved to where she was and sat down beside her slowly, “sometimes, we can’t control when things change, we can do everything within our power, try and move mountains, try and shift the world but at the end of the day, to some people, it’s not enough but it’s not because we’re not enough, it’s not because we didn’t love enough, it’s not because we didn’t pour and or give enough, it’s because they weren’t enough, not us. Sometimes people just don’t want to admit that they’re not good enough, people don’t want to admit that what we come with is too much for them to deal with, and sometimes it takes them years to realize that what we carry with us might just be too much for them; humans are amazing at denial and lying to themselves. Look at the world around you, you see it everyday, you see so many people who are living just that: a lie. But you’re not one of those people, you’ve been forced to deal with your reality, you’ve been forced into situations that scarred you, yes, but you’re one of the most amazing and loving people that I know. He called it off, he ended it, he has his reasons and truth be told, he might not even know why he’s doing it; what he said was his reasoning might not even be it, he might wake up 40 years from now and finally realize ‘oh my goodness, I shouldn’t have ended things, she was amazing and I’ve never found anybody like her’. But even if that happens, it’s his loss, he called it quits, he threw in the towel, he gave up and when people give up, it’s not our job to motivate them because we’ve been that person for so many years, we’ve had their back, we’ve supported them but when push came to shove, when they finally woke up and realized what it was that we carry and what it was that they have to deal with by staying with us, they cut bait and left. I might be wrong, I might be completely and utterly wrong, but I know I’m right about one thing: you deserve better, you deserve the best.” He heaved a sigh as his head dropped down. “Whether you know it or not, you’re precious and I am so sorry that he didn’t see that, I’m so sorry that he didn’t show you that. You’re worth more than the occasional I love you. I know it hurts, I know that you want to just turn back the hands of time and just change whatever you need to in order to make sure that this wouldn’t turn out the way it did. I know that right now, what I’m saying might not matter, that it doesn’t take away the pain, it doesn’t extinguish the roaring anguish that comes with the memories, but this isn’t the end all, be all. One day, there will be somebody who you just click with, somebody who loves what you love, somebody who wants to help you unpack all the bullshit and trauma that you’ve gone through, somebody that wants to see your dreams become a reality, somebody who sees past the makeup, the sexy body that men of the world lust after, somebody who sees true beauty, beauty that transcends the physical and sees you for who you truly are, somebody that wont’ say that what you carry is too much, somebody that understands that a woman is the single most valuable and precious thing any man can ever have in his life, a woman that is ride or die, a woman that understands love and gives it with no questions asked.”

 He took out a small flask and as he unscrewed the cap, he handed it to her. She took it and took a long swig before handing it back to him. She let the floodgates open as the sobs came pouring forth, it had been so long, it seemed so believable that she would simply spend the rest of her life with him, she thought she had found the one, she thought it was all going to be good, she thought that she had found somebody that truly understood the past she came from, somebody who understood that commitment took a lifetime to prove. It was like one day he just woke up and decided he didn’t feel the same way anymore, she felt cheated, she felt betrayed, she didn’t understand why, after all these  years and knowing full well what she had to wrestle with all her life, how he could just throw it all back in her face and walk away. 

He sat there next to her, he wished he could just wrap his arms around her and make it all go away, he wanted to ease the pain, to take her pain and unleash it onto himself so maybe then she wouldn’t be feeling what she was feeling. He knew he couldn’t though, he knew that he would have to remain at a distance and watch as she struggled to stand again on her own two feet...

One moment you're gliding along.. the next moment you're standing in the rain watching your life fall apart

[vexxed-soho]

Solo en la Oscuridad

The louder the music, the more he could drown out the world; it was his escape. He stared blankly at the screen, his thoughts falling over one another, his fingers refusing to produce the words that wouldn’t even begin to describe how he felt. It was a foolish endeavor, every time it was, every time it would start and end the same way, there was nothing different - save for the girl. So many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to do, so many unspoken thoughts that he would carry with him. Each time it ended, he would unload the thoughts, he would bury them unmarked in the ground and walk away, swearing to never look back yet every time another girl came around, the feelings sprang forth again, the hope sprang forth again, the unspoken thoughts would collapse onto him and he would crumble under the sheer weight of them all. 

Every time he thought he was done with the pain, every time he thought this is it, this is the one. Each one passing was more and more complex, each passing one carried more and more scars, he always would try and share in the pain, share in the burden but they always refused, they shouldered their own burdens, not wanting to taint him with their past all the while never knowing that he was already tainted, he had been shattered oh, so many times and lost count of the amount of times that he had to piece himself back together again. None of them knew, none of them knew the pain that he had endured, the scars that never healed, the memories that never subsided. 

When it’s all been said and done, he faded back into the darkness, back to his craft, back to the only thing that ever gave him any semblance of closure and relief. How could something that was once so pure become the same thing that tormented him every time he went through the same sick cycle carousal? How could the one thing that fueled humans and brought brokenness back into wholeness be the same thing that continued to claw at his very soul? Love was seeming more and more like a sick joke, it wasn’t that he wanted to force his desires, he never wanted to step beyond that which he knew he should. Yet time after time, it was the same result. 

“You have no idea what I’ve been through, not the pain, the tears and the scars, what you see might seem beautiful, but it’s not, it’s beyond ugly, it’s something that’s been broken and beaten, battered and scabbed. I’ve just managed to learn how to hide it all and dismiss it all, I’ve learned how to believe in the one thing that always seems to elude me, the one thing that I always think I’ve found but snickers at me and then sucks the life out of me and watches as I crumble back into the hallow nothingness that I’ve been once too many times.”

Time doesn’t heal all, it only makes it easier to live and breathe, the moments where the air in your lungs don’t seem to be giving you life, the moments where your reality seems to be a distant fear that you had once thought you conquered, the moments where your heart throbs and physically pains so much that you become numb. 

These words were simply a conduit that didn’t even begin to tell how and what he felt but maybe that was what life was, maybe that’s how it was going to be. 

What is the point of giving love if there is never anybody to receive it?

[vexxed-soho]

Amar Incondicionalmente

He leaned forward and took a long drag of his cigarette, the quiet night was deafening. Sitting hunched over on the hood of his car he stared blankly off into the distance watching the lights dance along the city skyline. 

Was there ever a point where he would no longer be able to pour his all into another person? Would he finally get tired and throw in the towel? Was it all worth it in the end? He didn’t know, he never knew. The questions never stopped coming and neither did the memories, maybe he shouldn’t have started it to begin with, maybe he shouldn’t have opened up so much, maybe he should’ve held back. It wasn’t like him anymore to be so trusting and just let anybody in. Life had taught him with almost utmost certainty that it never played out the way he thought it would, there were no such things as happily ever after;  the moments of blissful joy, the moments of quiet comfort where their eyes would meet and a thousand words were exchanged in a mere matter of seconds, the moments where the connection was so strong he had to ask himself if this was actually reality, all these moments were so fleeting now, all of it suddenly disappeared as though somebody had pulled the plug and he could not, no matter how hard he tried, keep the memories from slipping through his fingers. 

He chuckled at himself, always the hopeful fool. It was always the same story; time and time again, they always thought he was different, they always thought he was something special - or so they said. At the end of the day it was the same thing, they would all disappear, and with them would go the joy and the diminishing hope that he had found somebody who was actually worth his time. 

“Was it always like this with you?” He asked quietly.

She took a step forward as if to finally walk away but stopped, “I can’t do this anymore, I thought for so long that this is what I wanted, I thought you were who I wanted. I mean, you were everything, the whole fuckin’ package, but maybe that’s the problem, maybe I just don’t want the package. I’m so used to be treated like shit and then suddenly you came around like ray of sunshine, but I can’t do this; this, this here scares me, I feel like I don’t know myself when I’m with you, I feel like the world can just disappear and it’ll all be fine because I’m with you, I can’t have that feeling, it freaks me out. I know that right now it doesn’t make sense to you, I know that we had hours upon hours of conversations and yes, yes you made me feel special, you made me feel like even though I had such a messed up past, even though I chose to allow myself to be used and abused, you loved me so unconditionally but this isn’t what I want, this scares me, I’m sorry....” Her voice trailed off as she took another step slowly followed by another until the only thing that remained of her was a memory that tore at his heart every time it surfaced. 

Maybe he wasn’t what she wanted, maybe he was too intense. Yet if he was so good, why did she choose to walk away, why did she drop everything and walk out like it never mattered to her. He felt his vision blur as his eyes welled up and the tears came, was this always how it would be? They always said he’d find the one, they always left and the next one would come only to leave just like the last; it was a sick cycle carousel, one that he knew all too well. 

“I never cared that you’re damaged, I never cared about what your past looked like or what you went through because what matters is now and what we do now, the decisions we make now, if you’re so used to being treated like shit why do you push away something that you find when it’s what you say is amazing. You push it away and run for dear life, you put as much distance you can between you and that one that, that one person that you said is so good; are you that broken that you don’t believe you deserve better? That you deserve to be called and treated like you’re beautiful? I don’t mean just the word, anybody can call you beautiful because that’s what you are. I mean beautiful as in who you are inside, I’ve told you this before and I’ll tell you it again, you’re beauty exudes from the inside, it’s the beauty that is timeless and extends beyond the physical. I told you that I’m here but you never realized that, you think that one day you’ll wake up and I’ll somehow just turn around and treat you like they all did. I’m not them. I told you before you are so precious, you have so much love to give but your love has been tainted. Do I hate that you’re damaged? Of course I do, but who isn’t damaged? Who hasn’t been hurt? I carry more scars than you do but I’m here and I never ever want to leave.” He took her face in his hands, he looked into her eyes as their souls entwined and for a brief moment, there was flicker of hope but he saw the hesitation, he saw the pain and the walls that were already being put back up. “I understand if this isn’t something that you want, but ask yourself if you want to be loved the way you want to love, if you want to be treated the way you have always wanted to be treated, with respect and dignity.”

He pulled her into a tight embrace.

“You can’t break my spirit, it’s my dreams you take. I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile, I’d spend a lifetime with you. I wont’ tell you that I can’t live without you, but I can tell you that I wouldn’t want to do life without you. I don’t care if life gets  excruciating and miserable, I’d rather be miserable with you than without you.”

He heaved a heavy sigh and rose from his seated position, she was somewhere out there, maybe she was happy now with somebody else, maybe she still thought about him as much as he thought about her. So many maybe’s, so many what if’s, so many could be’s and has beens. 

“I know you’re out there, somewhere out there...”

[vexxed-soho]

memoirsofclosetromantic.wordpress.com

[vexxed-soho]

L'amore Della Madre

The quiet moments in the night time, when the entire world seemed to finally be at rest with their quiet judgement and their lackluster slander, these were the moments when the thoughts could peacefully go about their dance in his mind. He wasn’t quite sure when it began, couldn’t recall at what age he had first realized that his family was not a real family, that his parents were not really parents. The weight of the dawning realization sat upon his chest, the mountainous impact of the realization drew tears, even know, all these years later. 

They say that you can always tell how a man treats a woman from how he treats his own mother; he chuckled at the thought, his relationship with his mother had always been one of love and hate. Perhaps hate was not the degree of it, maybe it was too much but he questioned how somebody who was nonexistent for so many years could come and suddenly one day stake claim to a place in his life. 

It was a hurt that he had learned to bury so deep inside of him, it was a collection of memories he wanted to bury and destroy, to watch the fire he set to them burn; maybe then he wouldn’t feel this emptiness. It all made sense suddenly, it made sense why he always longed for the touch of a woman, the companionship of a woman and the love of a woman. He staked the entirety of his identity upon women and the amount of women that he could potentially attain. He gave a bittersweet smile and took a swig of the bottle, the tears trickled down his face. Oh, the foolishness of the youth. 

He gazed up at the stars, the night sky was so clear, the world around him so still. It was always in the night time where he felt as though time itself had stopped, it was in the night time when he felt like the clocks, the countdown to the final moments of life, finally stopped ticking. 

She didn’t have another hundred years to live, she wasn’t immortal, even though sometimes, just sometimes, she seemed like she was. All he wanted all those years, was a simple apology, an apology that she hadn’t been there, that she hadn’t wrapped her arms around him when he felt his heart shatter into millions of pieces for the first time. He took another swig of the bottle, maybe she had, her words lost in the tenderness of her comfort, the comforting of a mother, the love of a mother, the selflessness of a mother. Maybe she didn’t know how to find the words to say that she was sorry because to say such a thing would be admitting to herself that she had failed the very flesh and blood that she brought into this world. 

The tears were streaming down his face now; he didn’t bother to wipe them away, he needed to embrace this heart wrenching, numbing pain. He took another long pull of the bottle, he heaved a heavy sigh, all along, perhaps it was his inability to gather his thoughts or maybe it was his unconscious resistance to her and all her attempts to make amends. He gasped as the sobs began to wrack his body, his head dropped into his arms as the tears streamed down his face.

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry I didn’t say this enough mom, I love you.”