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[victoria--skinner]

This week I feel incredibly stressed out. Leading up to the faculty concert I’m playing in on Saturday, I have rehearsal every day which lasts for an hour to two and a half hours. My quartet is also playing in a masterclass on Wednesday, so we are using any opportunity we can get to rehearse. This, along with other things, leaves me with a crazy schedule, lots of work, and very little time to get anything done. I also found out that I’m on the waitlist for a music festival that only accepts 4 violists into the fellowship program. My teacher’s really proud of this because he didn’t expect a freshman to get so close to getting in, so that makes me happy. I’m still nervous because I really want to get in. I also still don’t have a recital date, which makes me nervous, and now I have to resubmit the recital request form so I could try to get it into a hall that is less desired. I ended today feeling very good, though, because the professors I am working with are impressed by how much work I’ve put into the music I’m playing. Also, the score for the quartet I am working on finally came in the mail so I can use it in the masterclass. The picture I posted is of the score, because getting it brightened my day. I was very stressed about getting it in time, because if my quartet didn’t have the score for the masterclass, we would look very unprofessional, and I didn’t want to be responsible for that. Getting such good feedback and getting the score in the mail on time were victories for me, so I think I’m ok now. However, I will feel better once there’s a little less on my plate.

[victoria--skinner]

Lately, I have been feeling stressed because of all of the performances and new repertoire that have been sprung upon me recently. I’m grateful to have all of the performance opportunities I am given, and I know it will help me improve. However, lately I have been feeling like I’m running on empty, because there are so many events that I have to go to and take part in, so I never actually get a break.

Even though I am stressed, I am still very optimistic and happy. I would rather have lots of things to do than not have enough and feel under-stimulated. I’m happy I get to challenge myself, and spend my tie doing the things I love the most. Despite being tired, I have been having fun with my friends and have been in a good mood for the last few days. I chose the above picture because this is what I see on my morning walk to the music building. I usually wake up early so I have lots of time to practice, so that means I am walking around before most people wake up. I enjoy my walks in the morning because the weather is usually nice and there’s almost no people so it’s very quiet. When I took the picture I felt very serene, and this serenity that I feel almost every morning is something that helps me cope with daily stress.

[victoria--skinner]

This week was another rollercoaster for me. I had a very busy week, and I worked all weekend so I didn’t get much of a break. This has made me feel stressed and very tired. It feels like no matter how much I work, or how hard I try, it’s never enough. I taught a lot of lessons Friday and Sunday, and I recorded Friday and Saturday. Recording is scary for me, even though I’ve recorded for auditions so many times.

On the bright side, I found out a new way to cope with this fear. Now I occupy my mind with thoughts like “get louder here” or “more expressive in the left hand” instead of freaking out about past or potential mistakes. This keeps me in the moment and focusing on something productive. It keeps my mind calm and organized, so I think I have found a good way to comfort myself. Also, I had really productive violin and viola lessons this week, and my teachers said that I am doing very well with preparing my music! This makes me happy, because I have been spending all week stressing out about not doing enough, but this gives me some validation. I also was able to confirm dates for my recital, so I am excited for that. I know I have a lot of time, and my friends and family will support me no matter what, so I mostly have positive emotions toward that.

I chose this picture of my “music room” (it used to be the dining room before I took it over), because that’s where I spent my entire weekend. When I was freaking out about recordings and after long days of teaching music lessons, this room wasn’t the place I wanted to be. However, I still consider this room to be my safe space. I always feel the most comfortable expressing myself here, and I’m hopeful that once I overcome my fears, I might be able to express myself like that in other places, too.

[victoria--skinner]

 Emotions I’ve Been Feeling Lately

This week was kind of rough. Nothing bad happened, but I have been under a lot of pressure to do my best and I’m worried that I haven’t been doing enough. On the first day of school, I had two auditions first thing in the morning and then a performance in the afternoon. So many opportunities have been given to me to perform, but that means I have a lot of music to prepare in a very short amount of time. I ended up getting sick this weekend, which stressed me out even more because I wasn’t able to work as hard as I wanted to. This week had a lot of ups and downs. I was thrilled when all of my performances went well, and my teacher told me about the concerts and masterclasses I was selected to perform in, but it also meant I have a lot to prepare and a lot to prove. This freaked me out, so when I wasn’t able to practice as much as I wanted this weekend, I freaked out even more. I think what I felt was disappointment, but also anxiety from all of the deadlines that are coming way too soon.

The picture that I chose for my post is one that I took Monday night. After stressing out all weekend, baking with my friends brought me so much joy. We joked around all evening and the mood we created made me forget about everything I was worrying about. It makes me realize that some of the things I let bother me weren’t such a big deal. They comforted me after a stressful week, and that definitely made the good parts of my week outweigh the bad.