victoriadynnise

I know, I'm sorta pessimistic for an optimist.

[victoriadynnise]

When I stopped trying to kill myself, my health began to fail.

[victoriadynnise]

[victoriadynnise]

😊💙✨

January, 28, 2021 

[mimibaby21-blog]

Depression

DO NOT LET THE DEPRESSION WIN IF YOU NEED SOMEOND TO TALK TO DM ME I AM HERE ALWAYS JAHSEH WOULD NOT WANT ANYONE TO DO ANY SELF HARM PLEASE IF YOU UPSET FEELINGS DOWN IM HERE! IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT TIME MY DMS ARE OPEN I LOVE YOU GUYS…. FUCK THE NEGATIVE ENERGY DO NOT FEED THE NEGATIVE ENERGY 🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽 IT! 🤓🖤

[victoriadynnise]

[victoriadynnise]

[victoriadynnise]

[xxxtentacion]

XXX

I don’t know what hurts more, losing people or losing myself,

I hear things ya know? and talk to myself, I try not to be crazy, keep my composure and be strong, I am strong, but weak at the same time, if that even makes sense, the mystery behind me isn’t anything cool, or exciting it’s depressing, it’s sad, I’ll always be alone in my mind, with my actions, lies, motives,

I’ll always lose people because I’m at never ending war with myself, I lean on people to save me from myself, when in reality the only way to save me is to kill me,

my depressions comforted me for so long, I’ve to some degree become fond or even used to it, I can’t blame my mom , or the girls who loved me for leaving, in the end all there is, is me, it’s not rewarding or suprising , this character I’ve become , is it even me? is this what I wanted? I’m not sure,

the nightmares, sleepless nights, crazy thoughts, they all play a role, I had someone who could ease it ya know? and I made it my goal to ruin it, literally, she was so good to me, she was my heroin, or “heroine” I broke her, completely, but not only to ruin her, to build her, and she hung on , for so long, for so fucking long,

now I’ve reached a point where I can no longer progress, I’m in a pond with a canoe rather than in the ocean around me in a sailboat,

nothing excites me, nothing will give me joy for to long, only pain and sorrow is what has made me feel or comforted me,

being suicidal dosent exactly help these habits either, I had a drug stage where I would pop pills on pills, just to not feel anything at all, I’d get lost, and than create a motive,

the problem now is that my motives are always surrounded with these evil intentions, I’ve come to think I’m literally a villain at heart,

the thing is , villains are necessary for a story to go about, but, they never find love, or comfort in reasonable motive, just the craziest the things, when im good im sad, when im bad I feel alive, but than I hate myself after,

my insanity has been feeding on me since I could walk, I’d only prayed I’d found someone who figured it out and had the patience to keep me, to disregard the pain and only feed me love, it’s selfish of me, I know, but where are you, angel, my wing ridden angel,

save me - xxx

[mimibaby21-blog]

Jah 😒

[victoriadynnise]

🐣

[victoriadynnise]

Smile.

[victoriadynnise]

Falling in love with a writer is simple. They have a way with words, and they’re able to articulate the simplest of things in a way that no lover has before they came along. Even something as simple as describing the petals of a sunflower becomes complex, and beautiful, simultaneously. I can remember three years ago when I first started spending time with her, and how she used to actively write things on her blog about our days spent together. She would zone in on little details of the night that may have flown right over my head, and they were described in the deepest, most sincere way she knew. I instantly fell in love with her writings as quickly as I fell in love with her. I always looked forward to discovering the way she saw the night through her own eyes. And who doesn’t like seeing themselves described in a poetic way. It made me feel like I was doing my job as her lover the right way. But it wasn’t all good. We’re humans. We debate with those we spend our precious time with. It’s inevitable, and we must learn HOW to settle disputes, because they will come up eventually, without a doubt. One thing I wasn’t fully prepared for was her writings the day after a disagreement. The thing that hurt me about these specific writings was the very same thing that made me fall in love with them in the first place : she made me see what I could NOT see in that exact moment. My first time experiencing this was the first time I realized that you HAVE to be on your A-game when loving a writer, someone who sees certain details in any given moment that most do not. I could have been completely sure of myself during a disagreement, or completely convinced that my side was the only logical half, but I may not have paid full attention to my body language (which is EVERYTHING, and a whole separate conversation), or was unaware of the volume level I allowed my voice to reach. Sometimes it could even be a single word that you allowed yourself to say out of frustration that could turn an entire moment into something negative. In the moment, it just feels like passion, but we have to pick and choose VERY CAREFULLY as to where we direct our passion, and our energy. Seeing her describe me and my actions in unflattering, but still very poetic ways was hard to swallow at first. I wasn’t ready. In fact, some of her best pieces came from her lowest moments; moments that I played a major role in. It hurt, very much so, but it also made me look in the mirror more than I ever have before. My level of awareness was taken to the next plateau, all motivated by her descriptions of our lows, or the nights she spent contemplating on our partnership. I told myself I wouldn’t allow these moments to happen again. In turn, it made me more PRESENT. I truly learned to live in the NOW, all through forming a life-long bond with an exceptionally gifted writer. It’s similar to an athlete watching game-film of himself to see the little details of his own performance that could be fixed that he did not realize during the actual game, or match. Once you see yourself through a different lens, you make sure you’re hyper-aware of your actions the next time around. Dating a writer involves dealing with our complexities as humans on a daily basis. Be on your A-game. If you’re not ready to be observed with a close eye, back off before you get hurt. Prepare your emotions. Be ready for war. A carefully worded war. You’ll come out a better lover in the end. That’s my word.

Beautiful <3

[iraffiruse]

[the-cinnamon-peelers-wife]

SCIENCE SIDE OF TUMBLR, MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!

[supertrout95-deactivated2015092]

I WANT THIS. ALL OF THIS

[chaiteanights-deactivated201705]

They have the hole puncher one already. But these are great.

[paradiseatmidnight]

[victoriadynnise]

"No ignorance permitted."

[victoriadynnise]

Danny’s Lonely Day

[victoriadynnise]

Journal entry on perception:

    I've realized an undeniable truth ("undeniable" being the most important aspect in that discovery): Every single thing that's happened to me in my adult life, every problem, every event that's taken place, has tested the morals and beliefs that I grew up valuing. Recently, I have become awakened to this, and just now I am realizing how amazing that is. How is it possible for someone to just happen to be introduced on a daily basis to obstacles that make them question everything they believe in? Daily? How can one's own life be so perfectly fashioned to crush every hope, destroy every wide-eyed perception, and smother every remnant of inner light? I ask you, why would any force take notice, and be so intent on destroying something, if that something was of no importance?

    That's what I asked myself… and I like the inevitable conclusion.

[victoriadynnise]

Enlightened Now

[victoriadynnise]

Lloyd

“Whatever energy you're putting out, ultimately, will present itself in return. In some shape, form, or fashion. Sometimes not instantaneously, but always inevitably. Sometimes not as an act, but as a person you love. Energy is like a boomerang. You let it out, watch it travel as far as you can throw, and then watch it return to its source. The old heads say, you reap what you sow. The new heads say, to plant what you grow. The wealthy man believes that energy is so powerful, so relevant in our achievements, that just by implanting an idea in your mind and thinking it out loud, over and over and over again, it will most certainly begin to materialize. To exist. Revealing the very face of fruition. I often, at night, when the Owls are owling, and the wolves are howling, will say to myself, out loud, "I'm going to be the father I never had one day". Envisioning what it will feel like to create a bond with another human being, that bond which can never be broken. Imagining the talks about life, and death, my approach to rebellion, which is certainly coming back to me (knowing all the heartache and tears and sleepless nights I've given my own mother during those years when I was in need of real guidance). Believing in the concept of energy, certainly means that I believe that even my own faults may come back to me as a reminder. It's only logical. It would only be fair. But I also believe that I will leave this world, knowingly having made it better for someone else.”

It is genuinely amazing observing someone grow and ultimately rediscovering who they are and their place in this vast universe.