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May 31

My Fake Boyfriend is a Serial Killer. Ronin Beaufort/GN Reader (3/?)

All language concerning the reader will be gender neutral except for any chapters containing smut, which will be seperated into two versions with they/them vs he/him pronouns for a GN reader and a trans masc one :) Any NSFW will be AFAB reader, jsyk.

AO3 Link! - My Fake Boyfriend is a Serial Killer.

Looking for chapter 2?

EVENTUAL NSFW, MINORSPLEASE DO NOT REBLOG OR COMMENT ON NSFW CHAPTERS. I WILL BLOCK YOU.

Summary:

You didn't mean to tell your coworkers that the man you met at the club was your boyfriend, it just sort of... happened. You only wanted them to stop asking about your love life! It's not your fault it just sort of... slipped out. It's not that big of a deal though, it's not like he's ever gonna find out, right? Besides, you've got much more pressing things to worry about, like the fact that a certain serial killer seems to have set his eyes on you and is ...toying with you?

6'530 words!

CW for eventual stalking/canon typical Ronin serial killer behaviour directed at the reader. Also at him being duplicitous about it.

You don't text Ronin. You did take his number but it was in a moment of weakness, you don't need it. You don't need him, don't even want him; you're fine. You're so fine that you spend the whole weekend susumed with working on your novel rather than thinking about him- or you try to. It'd be more accurate to say you spend several hours of one day devoted to trying to add to what you're hoping may some day end up as a completed novel but have been finding yourself consistently stuck on more often than not.

You're beginning to think that you're never going to finish it. You've got two seperate, completely disconnneted halves of one book on your hands: the beginning, where your main character is stuck living with an abusive boyfriend that has ties to the criminal underworld; and the end, where they've left him and things are good now. You're just missing the middle… where all the plot happens… and also all the flavour and joy that should come with escaping such a situation. …If you're being honest with yourself- both parts suck, just for different reasons.

It does have one thing going for it though: you really feel like you've nailed the suffocating atmosphere that the main character has to live through day in and day out in the first part, and it was cathartic as hell to write it, …but you've got no idea on how to get them out. It's not like they can just leave the way you did, pack up their shit, drive to another city and live in their car for four months while they try desperately to find accomodation and a new job- the whole point is that their boyfriend is a dangerous man with worrying connections to the criminal underworld that prevents them from leaving so you're pretty much stuck on that part with no ideas on how to remedy it.

Then with the other half of the book, the happy ending that is supposed to cinch everything together, it's just… not working. It's not really happy at all. You're starting to worry you've written yourself into a corner trying to pull so realistically from your own life; what if you can't conceive of a way to imagine a better ending because this is just how things are? This is just what life is- either painful, or boring.

Or, you're pulling semi-realistically, maybe your ex wasn't a drug-dealing scumbag like the guy in your novel but they certainly were a piece of work; it had been the best decision of your life to leave them so why is everything you try to write about after falling so… so flat?

You've given your main character all the inspiration you can: you tried fleshing out their life with hobbies, given ambitions and goals, added in friendships when their life seemed lonely, but everything slides off and into oblivion because you just can't see them acting in that way- or any way really, so you always end up deleting it.

Maybe you really are just not good at this. You've put in so much work to forget every negative comment and horrific un-truth that your ex instilled into you over the two years that you were with him …but the more you try and fail to write this story, the more you start to accept that maybe this time he was right and that you were never cut out to be a writer in the first place.

You've considered other options, like working on something else for a while, or that this story should just be scrapped entirely but you already tried that. The other pieces came out worse than this one, not just flat and boring but completely uninspired, not just stuck but unmoving in the first place- and anything you write that came across as even remotely interesting all funnels back into this piece. It's like the story is in your veins and you just need to bleed it out onto the page but no matter how deep you dig it's not working. You're starting to worry that you've been bled dry way before you're ready to hang it up.

And that's when the depression thoughts started to spiral and you ended up in an unending loop of 'I'm just not good enough. If I was better this would be easy, but it's not, so I'm not. Failure. I'm a failure- why did I even try in the first place?' So stopped writing- or trying to write- and turned to your old, faithful friend to distract you from this- television. And you don't text Ronin. Not even once. Even if you can't stop compulsively checking your phone because your fingers maybe itch to.

The rest of that Saturday passes by quickly, countless hours of televsion blending seamlessly into Sunday, where you watch more countless hours of television, interrupted only by your passing out in the little hours of the morning on both nights until your alarm startles you awake on Monday morning. The sound blares bright and cheery in a way you haven't felt for more than an odd second in what feels like years so you slap your phone off your bed with with appropriately vindictive rage in your heart. Which only results in it hitting the floor with a concerning 'thunk' for a phone that old and the alarm continuing its violent assault on your ears so you drag yourself out of bed with a groan to hit the showers.

Work that day is fine, brain splittingly boring yet meditative in the monotonous way rote tasks become on their four hundreth rotation. By the time lunch rolls around you're actually kind of hoping that someone has something interesting to offer up in the gossip department to entertain you because the tedium is kind of making you want to put your head through a brick wall.

However, when you reach the kitchen it seems like everyone else in the office has had both the exact same thought as you as well as the same boring weekend. You're greeted by Jessica grasping your hands with a fervour that kind of scares you a little as she practically shouts in your face, 'you're here! Please tell me you called Hot Emo Guy and got some nookie because it seems like no one in this office has a life!' She throws her voice pointedly back towards the rest of the kitchen where Kristen, Samuel, Dave, and Olivia are currently located- which explains why they aren't busy rehashing whether the Emma-and-Olivia thing is serious or just for funsies considering the Olivia part of the equation is currently in the room.

Which, unfortunately for you, seems to mean that your love life is back up for discussion. You try to backtrack and make a quick escape, you'll take tedium over the dissection of all the things you're doing wrong in the romance department any day. You turn around, thinking you'll just take a later lunch and hopefully avoid this entire conversation but the second you move to evacuate Jessica pulls you further into the room with a cheeky grin on her face and a, 'you totally did! I can see it on your face! How was it? How was he? Did he stay the night or-'

You cannot have the entire room thinking you slept with Ronin; you'll never hear the end of it. You have to put a stop to this now before they can decide what happened for you. 'We didn't sleep together!' bursts out of your mouth in a rush.

Immediately you realise your mistake as Jessica's grin widens and her eyes sparkle like she's just uncovered gold, 'so you did see him?' The way she says it, it's obvious she set you up and you can't believe you fell for it. So much for thinking before you speak.

'Tell. Us. Everything,' Jessica says.

Dave gasps and bounces a little in excitement at the idea of new gossip while both Samuel and Kristen lean in to hear what you've got to say.

'Not in the way you're thinking! I saw him once. Once.' You tell them, trying to keep it as short as possible so you don't slip up further and say something else they can misinterpret.

You don't intend to give them any more information than that but then Samuel nudges Kristen with his elbow and fails to quietly whisper, 'told you they slept together. You owe me five dollars.'

'I didn't sleep with him! I barely know him! He just fixed my car when it was making a weird noise!' You shout in exasperation.

'Is fixing your car what we're calling it these days? Did he get under your bonnet?' Dave snickers and Jessica honks out a laugh while smacking his shoulder. This is the reason you consider Dave as the office's biggest gossip instead of Jessica- because Jessica might be loud and nosy but Dave is so adorably sweet until he wants to be cutting. You know this but somehow you seem to forget every time until he gets you.

You cannot believe it's come back to this so quickly, can't believe that they're all snickering about how he 'definitely pumped your tires'. Whatever the fuck that means. How did you get them to stop so quickly last time? From what you can remember you didn't do anything special, they just moved on naturally, right? …After Jessica proclaimed you a liar and claimed that you totally kissed Ronin- which you did not, the very idea is proposterous but they did move on pretty quickly after that.

…Is that what got them to shut up? Or were they just bored and decided to move on? Unlikely, considering their favourite game is guessing new ways to set you up with someone so maybe… maybe if you play into it then they'll drop it faster, if you give them something to gossip about when you're gone then they'll move on to something else while you're here- or at least they'll have less to tease you about because you'll be the one in control of the narrative.

This is a good plan, you just need to figure out what to say. You don't want to lie- that's too many things to keep track of that you might forget, so what if you just feed them seme vague truths that they can gossip about later? Because they will gossip about it later but it won't be to you and then you can actually enjoy your breaks either scrolling on your phone or talking about other stuff. This should work. …By God you hope this works.

'He uh- he did give me his number though…' For Avangeline is the part you don't say out loud.

'Oh. My. God! I knew it!' Dave shrieks at an earsplitting level of noise, only reeling himself in slightly when other people flinch with a chargrinned, '…oops, sorry~'

'You dog!' Jessica crows, before crowding towards you saying, 'show us! Show us! I wanna see!'

Instinctively you shrink back from her, barely eeking out a, 'no, that's not- I don't want that, no thank you.' …Dear God what have you unleashed. Maybe this is a mistake?

Surprisingly though, that's as far as it goes. Samuel pulls Jessica back with a metaphorical hand on her collar by saying, 'Jess, that's a bit much, don't you think?'

She looks enough like a proverbial kicked puppy when she apologises that you find, 'don't worry about it, we're going out for drinks this weekend,' tripping off your tongue before you can stop it.

You don't know what inspired you to say it, maybe you felt bad about her getting chastised- you always have had an issue with feeling guilty for getting others into trouble, even when it ostentaniously wasn't your fault. Or maybe it's because maybe- maybe, a teeny, tiny part of you wants to be going on a date with Ronin this weekend?

That's not- it can't be- no. No. You've decided, you already decided. No. You don't like him- you've only met him twice! He's your fake date this weekend just to get your coworkers off your back and your one-time mechanic by pure coincidence and that is all.

But… it was kind of close there, with Jessica demanding to see your phone and all. Maybe you should text Ronin- just to have evidence if they ask, or God forbid Dave somehow gets his sticky mitts on your phone. You wouldn't put it past him and you have no doubt that sneaky SOB would figure out how to get your password without you knowing.

So, in order to protect your story, you snap a picture of Avangeline's steering wheel when you're heading home and go to text it to Ronin with a, 'she's running fine, not a drop of blood in sight!' Maybe it's not the most exciting of texts but it's better than nothing- easier to bluff that you decided to go on a date with him in person when there's evidence that you've met him since that first night.

However, you find the flaw in your perfectly concocted plan when you scan quickly through your contact list and cannot find a 'Ronin' in sight. …Did he not put in his number? He was the one who asked- why would he bother asking if he wasn't going to follow through? Has the old-ass phone that you found in the back of your kitchen drawer failed you already?

Scrolling back up you go through your contacts slower this time, taking the chance to actually read the titles rather than just scanning for the 'R' section. It takes you a second to find him but you eventually you realise that the overdramatic bastard has saved himself in your phone as 'goreboy <3<3<3' rather than his actual name which is why you couldn't find him. So, instead of the photo you text him, 'goreboy? rly?????'

goreboy <3<3<3:

took you Long Enough to Notice

was beginning to think you Didn't Like Me

or is this not a Social Call?

Don't Tell Me evangeline's Crapped Out already?

you:

*avangeline

w an A

bcuz shes an Angel

is ur keyboard broken?

y r u typing like tht

goreboy <3<3<3:

Bold of you to Assume this isn't a Choice

why are You typing like you're being Held Hostage and your phone is in your pocket?

you:

myb i Am being Held Hostage

whts it 2 u

goreboy <3<3<3:

and the Student becomes the Master

you:

master of capitalising things badly?

goreboy <3<3<3:

what would that make you?

Master of Spelling Things Wrong?

you:

master of spelling thngs w Whismsy and Excellence

smthn ur clearly lackin g

goreboy <3<3<3:

bit soon for pet names

…What? Petnames? Where is he getting a petname from? You scan your previous message before it hits you, 'g'- a typo in the word lacking twisted to be interpreted as short for goreboy because he's claiming you type the way you do because you don't know how to spell. …Bit pedantic. Ronin doesn't let anything slip past him, does he?

you:

…occasionanlly i spell w such speed n accuracy thzt words get split unintentionally…

but it was NOT a 'pet name'

u r my mechanic.

that's all.

goreboy <3<3<3:

what's Wrong with Avangeline then?

since I'm only Your mechanic.

You stare at your phone screen, momentarily stumped and unsure what to say. You're not texting Ronin because your car is malfunctioning and he knows it; there's nothing wrong with Avangeline but you can't very well tell him that you're texting him to have a better alibi the next time he's brought up at work because you're pretending to have a date scheduled with him so your coworkers will get off your back about you being single. Crap.

you:

nthn, was just txting 2 say ty, realised i hadn't yet n felt rude.

goreboy <3<3<3:

have you Removed the Hearts next to my Name yet?

pulled them Out of my chest and thrown them in the Trash with the other Rotten things?

or did the Thought make you too Love Sick?

Shit… You didn't even think about that. Quickly you open Ronin's contact and edit it so the next text comes through as,

goreboy:

conspicuously Silent are we?

a Lessor Man would take that as an Indication of Guilt

Good Thing for you I already Know you're Guilty

throw yourself on my Mercy and I Might just Consider Sparing you

Might.

you:

idk what ur talking about

ive been here the whole tim

was just stunned in2 silence by ur Overconfidence

goreboy:

sure

let's go with That

you:

r u calling me a liar

goreboy:

if the Tongue fits

you:

…tongue?

do i want 2 no?

goreboy:

serpentine, like a certain reformed angel

you know The One

Father of Lies

Bringer of Truth

helped eve attain her Truest Desires

you:

…are u fr comparing me to the devil rn?

goreboy:

nah

you're not Cool enough.

not like me

I'd never lie to you for one

you:

so now UR the devil?

goreboy:

close enough

remade in his image

sinful with rot

riddled with Blessings to cleanse the land

666 to be exact

you:

congratulations

every time i think uve hit Peak Edgelord u find a way to outdo urself

but this might take the trophy

we might have 2 assign u edgiest boy in all the land

sry

*Edgiest Boy in All the Land

no curves in sight

goreboy:

damn right

I Cut Them Off Myself

with a little help, of course

you:

ok loser

i have 2 go home now, txt u l8r

goreboy:

messaging me during work hours?

how sacrilegious

don't let the Big Man know

you:

not during wokr

after

goreboy:

and you're not Home yet?

so you put off going home to talk to little old me?

little Desperate darlin

you:

stfu.

just happened ro rmbr u existed when i saw Avangeline

wasnt thinking about u at all b4

goreboy:

careful you don't Choke on all your Protestations there darl

you:

choke.

goreboy:

sdccxnbsdfef

dsbcxnbes

sesdvbcxnfjg

you:

wut???

goreboy:

just doin as I was Told darl

or did you not Mean it?

gotta be careful when you speak

someone might think you're Serious and that would make you a Murderer

you:

i am going to Kill You.

goreboy:

you Mean it?

hand on your heart?

c'mon then

I'd like to See You Try

best Get To It before someone else takes the Honour

You snort and tuck your phone away before starting your car. You're not dignifying that with a reply. God, what a dick.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday pass much the same way; with you working hard at your desk, being interrupted occasionally by the odd remark from your coworker mentioning that Jason and Todd have stopped carpooling or wishing you luck at your 'date' this weekend, but most importantly you manage to eat lunch in relative peace given that you have no gossip to share yourself.

Sure, you have to listen to Dave and Samson bounce theories off each other as to why Kristen would ever paint her nails that colour because it doesn't suit her but it beats them theorising what kind of people you're into, or who in or out of the office they can set you up with because it's just so sad you live alone!

Your week passes peacefully, the way you like it. You don't text Ronin and he doesn't text you and it's peaceful. You don't spend anymore time than you normally do checking your phone for messages, and you definitely don't get disappointed everytime your phone dings and it isn't him.

The system works, you lie to your coworkers about Ronin whenever he's brought up, catgorically don't think about him in the moments in between, and when the weekend comes you have a full fourty-eight hours to yourself to do whatever the fuck you want without having to dread being the subject of your coworkers incessant desire to meddle and 'fix'- not that you've been dreading it much this week, they've hardly brought your love life up apart from the odd titter or question.

The system works- it does! And you're happy because of it. …Yet for some reason you find yourself picking your phone up every five minutes to look at it, you don't get any writing done, you can't focus on the television, and you tried playing some games on your computer but nothing is working and you don't know why!

Then you get a text. Your phone beeps at you from where it's sitting on your coffee table and you scramble to pick it up at a normal pace. Such a normal pace that it slips out of your grasp and you end up juggling it for a second before it dives between the couch cushions and you have to dig it out.

The text is from Ronin, he's sent a blurry, half cropped photo of a selfie with his face partially in the frame and a couple of people behind him, all facing away looking at a …tiny windmill? It's clear he's put very little effort into the selfie from the blur, the lack of attention from the people with him, and the fact he's only half in the frame- you can make out just the corner of his grin and one eye that's half shut from him laughing delight. …How is he this hot when he's not even trying?

you:

is that …mini golf?

goreboy:

yea. you comin?

you:

soz. i have peaceful sunday planned where i do fuck all and dont waste my time getting irrationaly angry at GOLF 4 being an EVIL sport that defies physics like its somehow "fun" now to hit a tiny ball with a small stick and pray it goes in the hole jst bc its mini

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

goreboy:

you Wound me darlin

good to know you're bad at golf though

will put that on the List of Things I know about you

you:

u keeping a diary on me now?

goreboy:

of sorts

you:

bit creepy dude

goreboy:

if you want I could Share some of it with you

you:

shoot.

Your phone is conspicuously silent for a moment without a single text coming through, long enough that you start to question whether he's been distracted by all the mini golf and his friends before another text comes in and you learn why. 'Goreboy' has texted you a fuzzy picture of what's presumably the back of the little slip they give you to write down your golf score on, covered in handwritten scribbles. It's obvious from the content that he's only just written them down but you're still kind of impressed at the level of commitment to the bit. The notes say:

"Cute. Bad at golf, blames golf. drives FUBAR POS car (FUBAR POS is underlined several times), claims to love it even though it's one pothole away from becoming a heap of shit.

ways to get attention:

steal POS car? test strength of conviction? how far would they go for Avangeline? no, it might fall apart on getaway- too risky."

…Ronin's been plotting ways to get your attention? Even as a joke the idea is- you are not flattered. You are not flattered despite what the swooping feeling in your tummy says. There's other writing at the top of the image but it's largely cropped out, the only word you can sort of guess at is the word 'phone' with a question mark after it.

you:

YOU WERE PLOTTING TO STEAL MY BABY???!!!

goreboy:

so you Can spell

you:

i Will Kill u

if u touch her

goreboy:

that's all it takes to Make A Murderer out of you?

and here I was with an 18 step plan all laid out and Ready to be put into action

but turns out you're a little less Lost than I thought

keep Talkin Dirty to me baby

you:

ur a freak u no that right?

goreboy:

you Flatter me

my Ego would Eat it Up

you:

wasnt a compliment but ok

goreboy:

sure Sounded Like One to me

I've got to go

mini golf is Calling My Name

you:

woooww, minigolf learned to talk n the 1st thing it said was cringe

it'll never recover from this

might even go under

waht a shame ill never have 2 play

goreboy:

sounds like someone's a Sore Loser

you:

only when i lose

okk, c u l8r

cringeboy

You're smiling when you put the phone down but it's not because of Ronin. It's because you were bored and looking for any stimulation to distract you. That's all. It doesn't mean anything that slipping into your hobbies is easy afterwards. You just needed something to snap you out of your funk is all and Ronin provided a opportunity to do so.

On the Monday after your supposed 'drinks' with Ronin (watching telly with your feet up and and falling asleep with your face smushed in the couch cushions) Samuel asks 'how's the boyfriend?' in a voice so monotone you'd think he wasn't interested if it wasn't for the way he cut off Kristen in the middle of her long winded monologue about her weekend to ask.

You say, 'he's not my boyfriend, and Kristen was talking, you cut her off.'

To which Jessica replies, 'yet~' and you roll your eyes at her.

'Kristen's told that story a million times, tell us about your hot date!' Dave exclaims.

'Doesn't mean we shouldn't listen,' you try redirect the conversation away from you and back to her.

'It's fine, I have told that story a couple of times-'

'A million!' Dave poorly disguises his jab in a cough.

'-I'd much rather hear about your date.' Kristen finishes. Betrayal. From the very woman you were trying to help.

'I don't think-' You try again.

'No but seriously, how was it?' Jessica cuts you off. Okay. It's date talking time apparently. At least you know how to get this to stop now.

You shrug, 'it was…' unbidden, your text conversation with Ronin from the day prior floats to the front of your mind, 'good. It was good. His name is Ronin, he's a mechanic and he's funny. We get on well,' slips out without much thought behind it. Huh. You didn't mean to say that. You take a sip of your drink to hide the smile that's creeping its way onto your face.

Jessica makes a high pitched 'squueeeeee'ing sound before running up and wrapping her arms around you. You stiffen uncomfortably at the touch as she jostles you while shouting, 'I'm so happy for you! I saw that smile! You must really like him!'

Then Dave pipes up, 'when's your next date? Oh! We should brainstorm ideas for what you can do! What are you going to wear? Do you think it'll get serious?'

Your heart sinks. You were only playing into this because you were under the impression that it would get them to ask less questions and be less involved, not more but then it hits you: just give them the answers that they're looking for and they'll stop. It's not like they're prying into your real life, so it doesn't matter what you tell them.

'Actually, the date was- Friday night and… we went mini golfing the next day. I crushed it, him not so much but he was a good sport about it. It was really fun. We didn't see each other yesterday but he's coming over for dinner on Wednesday and I have a really good feeling about it.' There. That should be all the juice they need to keep the gossip train chugging away from you for a little bit.

Jessica lets out a moderately restrained squeal compared to the one she let out a second ago and says to the room at large, 'I told you they weren't a lost cause! I told you!'

You're a little offended by the statement but that's the end of it. It's over. You can take a little hit to your pride if it means they move on and they do. Dave starts asking Kristen when she's going to dump her 'piece of shit' boyfriend and she immediately throws herself into defending him, swearing up and down that he's a good guy really but everyone already knows he's a scumbag.

It's so easy. How did you not figure this out before? Maybe because you'd sworn off romance since before you started working here but if you'd have known that having a fake boyfriend would get the heat off your back you would have made one up years ago! It's so simple.

You just feed them a couple of fake stories about your 'boyfriend' to keep them entertained, and if you need to you can take Avangeline to where he works for a 'check up' as an excuse to see him if you ever need proof- which you won't, as if they'd check. You're sleeping easy knowing that your life at work just improved one thousand percent with a only couple of white lies.

Wednesday throws a wrench into your so far excellent week in a big way because against all your wishes your car, your beautiful angel of a car which was working fine this morning, won't start when you get in it to go home. You don't know what's wrong with her- she was slightly juddery upon starting up this morning, stalling once at the stoplights but that's normal for Avangeline, good, even.

Then it turns out Dave and Samson happen to be leaving at the same time as you and they catch you sitting in your car with your head braced against the steering wheel and maybe you're screaming a little bit and smacking your hands against it too. Who can blame you though? This was shaping up to be a perfect week and now this, Avangeline's potential death, has come along to ruin it.

Your private screaming session is interrupted by a couple of polite raps against the window. The noise startles you enough that you whip up far too fast and end up smacking your head heavily into the carseat behind you. Wincing and cursing under your breath as you rub the back of your head, you look up to see Dave waving at you cheerily through the window and grinning while Samson stands slightly futher back with his arms crossed, he lifts a hand briefly to acknowledge you when you look at him.

Awkwardly, you roll down Avangeline's window- which you can do even though she won't start because she's so old that she has a hand crank- and pretend you weren't just screaming up a storm inside your car that no one was meant to see but two of your co-workers just did.

'Heyyy, Dave. Hi Samson. What's up?' You ask uber casually.

'Are you okay? We saw you… shouting? At your car and we got worried so we wanted to come over and check it out.' From the disinterested look on Samson's face the 'we' that Dave is referring to is an exaggeration.

'Uh, yeah. I'm fine. Avan- my car isn't starting for some reason, I think I'm going to need to call a mechanic.'

'Ooooooooh,' Dave starts and his hands start to flap in excitement, 'are we going to get to meet the boyfriend then?'

Your heart sinks. Did you tell them that Ronin's a mechanic? You didn't mean to, but you must have for Dave to be bringing him up. You… did not plan for this. What are you going to say? You cannot have your coworkers meeting Ronin- it'll blow your whole cover. You have to think of something, and quick. You could call the mechanic shop and ask them send someone else, but what if whoever answers the phone tells Ronin? That'd be awkward. Or worse, what if Ronin picks up? What if Dave or Samson hears you? And that's likely with Samson's freaky bat hearing. Wait, you can just call a different mechanic! That works! That's genius!

'Uh, yeah I'll just call the shop right now and-'

'You're not gonna call him directly?' Dave asks. Shit. Curse your big mouth.

'Oh, um, yeah,' you laugh awkwardly, feeling uncomfortably caught out and inwardly cursing your inability to think before you speak, 'let me just pull up his contact,' you say, stalling for time. Maybe they'll leave before this gets really awkward …but judging from the way Dave is almost leaning into your car that's probably not gonna happen.

Dave does not move away when you unlock your phone- in fact he leans further in and from this angle there's no way you can really hide what you're doing without it being blatent and weird. The whole thing feels incredibly awkward- but not as awkward as Dave realising you'd been lying to them all or worse, Ronin turning up and the combined embarrassment of him finding out plus Dave realising you've been lying to them all, so you suck up all your courage and tentatively ask, 'could you maybe not lean in my car so much?'

Dave looks surprised and then says, 'of course!' as he takes a step away from Avangeline but it's really only a baby step. You consider asking again but it feels far too awkward now. What if Dave asks why or what if he thinks you're being weird because you won't just phone the guy you're supposedly dating.

You can't afford Dave starting to ask questions. You need to quash any suspicion before it arises, you don't want to even imagine a world where all your coworkers find out you've made up a boyfriend to get them to leave you alone. You'd be a pariah, a pariah that'd be subject to thousands of jokes a day and then the quest to find you a partner would return with a pitying vengence. You can practically hear Jessica now, 'that's so sad, don't worry! We'll find you someone! You won't have to make up a boyfriend to feel less lonely once we're done with you!' God that would be awful.

It'll be fine. You're pretty sure you can get away with a surruptitious Google from this angle with the small amount of space Dave has given you. Then it's simply a matter of phoning a different mechanic's and pretending that you're phoning Ronin. You can tell Dave that he's out on another call and that he can't come because of that so you have to make other arrangements and oh this is a bad plan.

A bad, bad plan. There are so many ways this could go wrong but you have no other! You click the search browser and as soon as you do you hear a, 'what? Did you lose his number or something? Don't tell me you broke up!' because Dave is once again leaning the top half of his body inside your car to peer at your phonescreen. How did you not notice that? Does Dave have secret spy super powers? Or are you just that unobservant? Either way, there goes your carefully concocted plan. You cannot believe you ever thought Dave's antics were cute- he is the devil reincarnate.

Briefly, you consider taking the lie and running with it, letting them all think you broke up but you dismiss that idea as soon as it comes because no way in Hell are you giving up your peaceful, amusing lunchtimes where you get to gossip about other people's lives and yours is largely left alone just because of one, small, hiccup. No. No way. You can do this. Somehow. …Also, you maybe brought up your supposed date with Ronin tonight when Kristen asked how it was going in order to ward off Jessica and Dave before they started circling during lunch so you're really backed into a corner here.

Determination settles over you as you realise what you've got to do: you're going to phone Ronin, stall him as much as possible, and then convince Dave and Samson to go home before he arrives. Not an impossible task; an improbable one, yes, but not impossible. You can do this, you will do this- because it'll be very, very, very embarrassing for you if you don't.

You scroll down your contacts until you find 'goreboy' and then click the phone icon with anxiety swirling in your stoach as Dave is still looking between you and your phone expectantly. Internally, you cross your fingers and pray by the grace of God that Ronin doesn't pick up.

No such luck. The line rings three times and then a, 'hello, darlin'. Missin' me already?' comes through the speaker.

'Uh, hey Ronin, no not quite um- I'm at work and Avangeline won't start and I don't know why so I'm sort of… stuck here?' It comes out as a question and you cringe, desperately hoping Dave doesn't pick up on how awkward you're being.

'So you need me to come and rescue you,' Ronin supplies.

You're feeling desperate enough between trying not to have Dave catch on that you've actually only talked to Ronin a total of four times including the two brief text exchanges and trying not to have Ronin think you're being weird and overly familiar as a practical stranger whos asking him for a favour, that you latch onto what he says and shout, 'yes!' into the phone a smidge too emphatically.

You hear Ronin cackle into the receiver before he says, 'wow, darlin', little desperate. You must really need me huh?'

…You cannot have him thinking that, you'll never hear the end of it. 'I never said I needed you.'

'Didn't need to darlin', I can hear it in your voice.'

'There is nothing in my voice.'

'So you didn't just shout 'yes' down the phone at me when I asked if you needed me to come rescue you?'

'Avangeline needs you, not me.'

'Excuses, excuses. Where d'ya work then?'

'Why'd you wanna know? Are you stalking me now?'

'And here I thought you wanted me to come fix your car up, or was that just an excuse to get me on the phone?'

Oh. Shit. Avangeline. And the fact that she's conveniently decided to stop working right as you were about to head home. Right. How did you forget that? You hear Ronin snicker as he undoubtably realises that you forgot the whole reason you phoned him in the first place after a singular minute of conversation. You rattle off the address of your work sheepishly into the receiver and pray he doesn't decide to tease you about it.

'I'll be there in ten,' Ronin says simply, then the line clicks as he hangs up.

Okay. That went well, all things considered. A success. Part one of your plan has gone swimmingly. Now you just have to convince Dave and Samson to leave before he gets here. In ten minutes. Not impossible. Not likely, but not impossible. If there had ever been a time to lie out of your ass it's now. You've always been terrible under pressure but that doesn't matter. You can do this. You can do this.

'You guys have so much chemistry! I can see why you like him, he's fiesty! Like you! It's a match made in Heaven!' Dave cries, his hands pressing into the lip of your car window as he does a little excited bounce. You can't help but think it's more match made in Hell with how stressful the last fifteen minutes of your life have been feeling.

You turn towards Dave and give him your best apologetic face, 'Ronin said it'll take him a minute to get here. He lives pretty far away and he's not at work right now so he'll have to stop by there first to pick up his tools so you should probably just go home.'

'And miss him? Nonsense! We can wait, can't we Samson?' Dave looks back at his boyfriend and Samson makes a see-sawing motion with his hand. From his response it seems like either they've got something planned or he just wants to go home. Excellent. He already wants to leave, you just have to convince Dave to go with him. You can work with this.

'Listen, guys, the whole thing with Ronin? It's pretty new, we're not really at the meeting each other's friends or coworkers stage yet. I don't want to freak him out so I'd really appreciate it if you weren't here when he turns up. I don't want to spook him.' Wow, are you good at lying all of a sudden?

'Okay, okay. You must really like this guy! We'll go but-! You are going to introduce him to us sometime, when things get serious and you're not worried about him running off.' Dave grins and rolls his eyes at you as if to say 'men' before sauntering off, grabbing Samson by the arm and pulling him to their car. You hold your breath until you see them peel out of the parking lot and down the road.

Success! You can't believe that worked but it did! Haha! Success!! You do a happy little I-can't-believe-that-worked jig right there in your car seat, tapping your hands on the steering wheel and wiggling in joy. Now the only thing that's left to do is wait for Ronin. And roll your window back up. That is the one modern feature you lament that Avangeline doesn't have- electrical buttons that wind the window for you. You roll the window up as quickly as is possible with an hand crank and settle down to scroll on your phone during the wait.

It takes about twenty minutes for Ronin to show up and when he does he's wearing an outfit close to what he was the night you met. Is his entire wardrobe nothing but edgy clothes? He wears it well though, you knew you liked the gothic look but you've never seen someone pull it off so effortlessly.

You might have gotten a little sucked into your phone during the wait for him, so when someone raps on the window of your car for the second time that day you shriek, jumping at the sound and dropping your phone into the footwell of your car.

You curse and reach down awkwardly, fishing blindly around your feet with your face smushed against the steering wheel until you catch your phone between two fingers and manage to finangle it back into your grasp with some difficulty.

When you sit back up Ronin's watching you through the glass, eyebrows raised and looking amused as- is that your phone? You open the car door, a smidge too abruptly judging by the way Ronin takes a quick step back and his eyebrows raise in surprise. Oops.

'You found my phone?' You make to grab for it but Ronin quickly reels it back, lifting it high above his head to where you can't reach even after you stand up.

'Here I was thinking you were excited to see me but I see how it is, you only want me for you phone.' Ronin doesn't sound upset at all, still playing keep away as his laughs quietly at your failing attempts to grab your phone out his hand.

'What? Ronin, c'mon, you know that's not true-' You reach for your phone again but somehow he lifts it even higher, a wicked grin flitting across his features as his eyes flare with excitement.

'So you're saying you do want me.'

'That's not- Ronin- give me my phone-' Your words are punctuated by the way you're jumping, trying to snatch your phone out of his hands but he just steps back slightly everytime, pulling it just out of your reach.

'Say please 'nd I might think about it,' Ronin sounds so smug it's insufferable.

'Ronin! Come on!' You make one last desperate grab for it and catch him around the wrist, managing to pull his arm down enough to reach your phone. You pull it out of his grip, turning to stick your tongue out at him and rub your victory in his stupid face but it turns out his stupid face is stupid close. Inappropriately close. Mere inches away and your victory dies in your throat at the proximity.

'Cat got your tongue?' Ronin's grinning in a way that makes you think he planned this and you can't think of a response. You want so badly to say something witty and cutting that'll put him in his place but unfortunately his little jab is right because your brain is conspicuously blank. The only thought running around in there is, 'holy shit he's handsome, are people allowed to be this handsome? Surely it's illegal for anyone to be this handsome, they should put him in handcuffs-'

Then you're busy thinking about Ronin in handcuffs, probably for something nefarious with the way he seems inclined to be mischeivious, arms restrained behind his back, burgundy hair falling in his face as he laughs- because he'd for sure find being being arrested funny and isn't that a pretty picture? A prettier picture would be one where you're the one arresting him, putting the cuffs around his wrists, chaining him to your bed- woah. Nope. No. Where did that come from?

'I'll take that as a yes,' Ronin snickers, pressing a finger to your forehead and pushing you back slightly as you realise that you've been silent and staring for too long to play off. Your face flushes with colour as you secure your fingers around your phone, letting go of his wrist and stepping back with a sheepish laugh of your own.

Luckily, Ronin leaves you to your embarrassment with another snicker and a, 'so what seems to be the problem with Avangeline this time?' as he walks over to your car.

'I don't know, she was running fine this morning,' you tell him.

'Nothing out of the usual? No stalling or strange noises?'

'No more than usual.'

'How often is usual?' Ronin catches your eye and you can tell from his look that your answer is the wrong answer but you say it anyway.

'Avangeline is a talker, she's always making some kind of noise. She probably stalls at least two or three times a day.'

Ronin snorts, 'yet you still proclaim she's not on her last legs.'

'She's not on any legs, she's a car.' Ronin rolls his eyes at your response but you see amusement flicker across his face at your remark. Something like pride curls up in your stomach and starts to make a home there at the expression.

'You leave the headlights on all night by accident?' Ronin asks you.

'No, I didn't leave the headlights on all night, I take good care of my baby-'

'You get the locks fixed yet?'

'Lock, it's only the driver side door.'

'Universally regarded as the least important door.'

'Guess I'm just lucky that Avangeline is vintage so people with less acquired taste don't want to steal her.'

'That's one way to put it. Does Avangeline turn on at all? Radio? Lights? Is she completely dead or is she just stuck?

'Stuck, lights and radio work, the engine just won't start.'

'Probably an engine problem then, pop the hood for me, darlin'?'

You slip back into your car and pull the latch that unlocks the hood. Ronin lets you know he'll be a minute and that you should 'entertain yourself' while he works, punctuating the sentence with a wink before heading over to the truck he must driven here to collect his tools.

You reach into Avangeline's dashboard cabinet and pull out the notebook you use for jotting down ideas on the go. You're feeling oddly inspired right now and want to get the gist of it down to write properly later when you get home.

'Alright darl', I know what your issue is.'

'Huh?' You startle, looking up from your little notebook of ideas- they're nothing serious, just some ideas for how to fix or maybe even finish your book. You're not really trying when you write in it so it's surprising that you got invested enough to lose time while Ronin worked. Previously you only had some loose connections written down that you made in your spare time, hoping you might strike gold and they'll allow you to connect the two halves you do have written at home, or maybe you'll think of something to give life to the decidedly flat ending.

Not that it matters, you've already decided that you're not going to do anything with it even if you do manage to finish it. It's a hobby, a hobby that you love but you're not stupid enough to think you're going to make it as a writer. The last few months of failing to write anything good have proven that. Plus, you already have a job and it's good, steady. You're not about to throw it all away on some pipe dream that won't happen, especially because what you already have is kind of crap.

It's fine that you'll never get to publish it. It's probably too dark for modern audiences anyway and it's already done you plenty of good by allowing you to work through some of the more complicated feeling your last relationship left you with considering the first few chapters are dedicated to outlining the grim life of your main character that's stuck in an abusive relationship with conceivable no way out. It really has helped you to vent your feelings of grief about the suffocating reality of being tied to someone that you loved who spent every waking minute focused on watching you suffer, so it's okay if that's all it'll ever be.

You do have to admit that the last however long you've spent writing down ideas while Ronin worked on your car has been fun though. More fun than you've had writing in a while. You've started outlining a character that you think would really add life to any story, not just yours; an enigmatic bad-boy type with something darker lurking under the surface. But you're not even sure he's going to go in this story, you're not sure he fits so you don't want to get your hopes up.

But then again maybe this character is what it needs, maybe adding him will give you a way to get your main character out and add some life to the ending. …Never mind if he's eerily similar to someone you met recently that you possibly think about more than you're willing to admit.

Ronin pulls you out of your musings and back to the present with an alarming sentence, telling you, 'someone put sugar in your tank, probably the same person that swapped your spark plugs.'

'They what?' You ask, not sure you heard him right. You step out of the car, not really sure where you're intending on going but it feels like maybe you'll hear him better if you're closer because there's no way he just said what you think he said.

'Yep. Poked around a bit and while Avangeline certainly has some problems, I couldn't see anything obvious that would stop the engine from starting so I decided to look other places. Opened the gas flap and there's sugar encrusted all around the opening. You're lucky whoever did this is either an idiot or only wanted to inconvenience you, not kill you.' Ronin walks around to the side of the car you're on, leaning against the hood and wiping his greasy hands on a rag.

'…What?' So you did hear him right. Your legs feel faint, like they're going to drop out from underneath you. You'd managed to pack your last meeting with Ronin into a little box and push it far back into the recesses of your mind so you didn't have to think about it, managed to ignore the implication that someone broke into your car to damage it but this is far too blatant to ignore. The idea that someone did this to you on purpose has rocked your entire world- you don't have any enemies, you barely have friends!

Well, maybe you have one enemy- but he is firmly out of your life now, has been for years. You were finally starting to relax! Had finally stopped looking over your shoulder at every turn! This isn't right, it isn't fair- which is exactly how your ex had made you feel for years. …It has to be him. He's found you. And he might be trying to kill you. Fuck.

'Sugar in the gas tank isn't the be-all end-all that rumour has it to be, sweetheart. It won't kill Avangeline, just clog up her fuel filter which is why your engine won't start. If Avangeline was less vintage you probably wouldn't have noticed so quickly. Whoever did this either didn't know that little factoid or they just wanted to put your car out of commission for a couple'a days. 'S not gonna total it, just run you a couple hundred dollars while I dump the tank and flush the fuel lines. If they'd wanted to kill you all they'd have to do is cut the breakline under the car, by the time you noticed that you'd likely be on the road already- not that they'd need to cut them considering your breakpads are thinner than your flimsy excuses to see me.'

You need to sit down. You need- you- has the ground always been this spinny?

'Woah-' Ronin catches you by the arm as you stumble and tip to the side, you spot the rag he was holding on the ground some feet away and your eyes fixate on it. You can barely hear him as he says, 'I was only jokin', darlin', you don't need to be throwing yourself into my arms again.'

Your heart sinks, 'someone put sugar in my car? On purpose?' comes out in the carest whisper. You clutch at Ronin's arm, clinging to him because you're unsure your legs will keep you upright if he lets go.

'Oh. My. God. Is this the boyfriend?!' You hear a shriek from somewhere behind you and your already sunk heart sinks even lower. No. Not right now. Please, God, not right now. Is that-? A quick peek behind you reveals that it is Jessica, walking out of the office and making a bee-line for you and Ronin.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not now- not ever but especially not now when you're still grappling with the fact your abusive ex might have located you and is trying to fuck up your life and maybe even hurt you. You cannot deal with both of these things at once, the ground is still seeming both too close and weirdly far away as a cold chill creeps around the back of your neck. You can't deal with this right now.

What do you do? You have to prioritise. You have to think, you have to- you have to get rid of Jessica before Ronin keys on to what's happening and she reveals too much. You shove your feelings about your ex-boyfriend deep down in the locked trunk you keep them in and try to get your feet back underneath you and feeling steady. It only sort of works.

'It is, oh my god, you have to introduce us!'

You let go of Ronin's arm to try and get to Jessica before she comes over but you were right before and the second you let go you stumble, almost tripping onto your face before Ronin catches you yet again.

'You guys are so cute together!' In the seconds you wasted almost falling over Jessica has finished her trip across the parking lot and made to you both. Well fuck.

'Jessica!' You shout, far too loudly for how close she is. Maybe if you change the topic fast enough Ronin won't realise that she meant him with the boyfriend comment. Quickly, you spew out, 'my car broke down, Ronin's a mechanic, he's here to help.' You're toeing the line, speaking only in truths that both of them know but have completely different connotations in their minds for.

Hopefully Ronin will hear, 'he's a mechanic' as in, you phoned him to help with your car, and Jessica will hear, 'he's a mechanic' as in, this is my boyfriends occupation and she'll latch onto that and skip any preliminary talk and social niceties that involves the word boyfriend. It's a long shot but it's the only one you've got because you're trying not to let either of them know about the damn web of lies you've trapped yourself in.

Jessica ignores everything you said and barrels on, 'Yeah right. I literally just caught you canoodling in the parking lot on the night of your big date! I told you you'd like him! I'm such a good match maker! Can you believe you almost blew him off? Is he here to pick you up for your date?'

'I- uh- that's not- we're- um-' What can you say to that? Nothing. There's no move to make here that doesn't blow your cover and leave you as the weirdo that made up a boyfriend, because if you deny it then Jessica will obviously know, but if you play along then Ronin expose your lies by being fucking confused because he's not actually your boyfriend.

You try extricate yourself from Ronin's grasp, feeling incredibly awkward about this turn of events, but before you can get anywhere he wraps the arm you were holding onto around your waist and pulls you in so that your back is solidly braced against his chest. Then he wraps his other arm around you as well and rests his chin on your head, positively engulfing you in his embrace.

'You caught us, just a boyfriend here to pick up his partner for our big date tonight.' Oh shit. He knows. You're caught. How on Earth could you think Mr.-Your-Errant-'G'-Typo-From-the-Word-Lacking-is-a-Petname-for-Goreboy would let something like this slip past him?

Your face flushes in embarrassment as Jessica squeals in excitement and bounces in place, saying, 'I knew it! I just knew it! Everyone in the office is gonna be so jealous that I met the famous boyfriend and they didn't!'

Silently you pray to God that some cataclysmic event occurs in the next ten seconds and the ground will split beneath you and swallow you whole.

'I'm famous, huh? You been tellin' stories about me at work darlin'?' Ronin noses the skin under your jaw, the feeling prickling uncomfortably because he's basically a stranger but you can't pull away or it'll look weird.

'They can't shut up about you! They told us all about the date last friday and how you stayed over and went mini golfing the next day! You guys are so cute together, Dave is going to die when I tell him about this! Okay, okay, I won't keep you, I'm sure you're dying to go home and be all romantic with each other. I can't wait to here all about your date at lunch tomorrow! Toodles!' Jessica absolutely destroys any chance of you playing this off as a misunderstanding and then saunters off like she didn't just drop a bomb on your life- which to her she didn't, because you lied to her like an idiot and somehow expected it to not blow up in your face.

For the first time maybe ever you curse the fact that Avangeline is prone to breaking down- and then immediately feel bad because technically it isn't even her fault this time. It's the fault of your scumbag ex who's apparently back in your life and determined to ruin things for you all over again! This is suddenly the worst day ever.

As soon as Jessica's out of sight you try and peel yourself out of Ronin's grasp but he just curls tighter around you, placing his face back against your neck and nuzzling, while saying, 'boyfriend, huh? Knew you liked me, darlin' but I think you skipped a few steps there. What happened to askin' me out on a date? You always tell your coworkers that strangers are your boyfriend or am I just special? And what's this about us going mini golfing? How I remember it is you blew me off.'

'It's not what you think, Ronin I- get off me, you ass. Don't- stop nuzzling, I can't think-!'

'What? You don't like it? From what Jessica said it sounds like you told them we did a whole lot more~'

'Ronin!' You snap. He cackles, loud and delighted in your ear and lets you go with a flourish. You stumble out of his grip and turn around to face him and oh this is so much worse. You should have just let him keep on holding you, now you can see his smug expression as you try to desperately explain your actions. Ronin's grin is nearly splitting face, nostrils flared, eyes bright and open wide, curling into little half moons as he clearly holds back a laugh while looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to explain.

You look down at your feet, unable to hold eye contact with him. Your face is beet red, ears burning with embarrassment as you eek out, 'it's not- it's not what it sounds like.' You don't know why you're trying to convince him that it's not weird, trying to stop him from disliking you because of this for some reason but you can't help it as the words tumble out of your mouth and down your front like verbal vomit. Something deep within you needs him to know that you're not a freak that's obsessed with him, that there was a reason you did this- you just wanted your coworkers to leave your love life alone!

'No? What's it like then, darlin'?' Ronin's voice is dry but coloured with obvious amusement like he really can't believe the mess you've gotten yourself into- which makes sense because you honestly can't believe it yourself. Sure, lies blow up all the time but normally it's four months down the line! Not three days! You must have the worst luck in the world that this has happened to you so quickly. You really thought he'd be out of your life within a couple of weeks and then it would ever have been an issue. You could have just staged a fake breakup if your coworkers ever got suspicious. This was not how it was supposed to go.

'It's just-' you glance around you to make sure there are no more surprise coworkers lingering nearby to catch you saying this, no need to make an already terrible situation even worse by being caught talking shit -'my coworkers are insufferable, and they wouldn't stop trying to set me up with people even when I made it clear I wasn't interested! And then last week, when they were making their stupid jokes, Jessica didn't believe me when I said you just walked me home. She made some stupid comment about it and they all moved on so easily- that never happens!

'Then the next day Jessica tricked me into admitting that I'd seen you, I didn't even mean to tell her! She tricked me! But no one would believe it was just to fix my car and they kept making jokes about you "pumping my tires" so I told them I got your number to shut them up! Just to shut them up but then I kind of realised that they make way less jokes when I give them something to talk about when I'm not in the room so I told them we had a date scheduled and it uh- kind of spiralled from there. I'm not some weirdo stalker, I swear!'

'And yet you still phoned me when Avangeline broke down, almost like you wanted to get caught. Y'know if you wanted to go on a date so bad all you had'ta do was ask. No need to invent an elaborate web of lies and lure me out here just to get some face time. I'm not that hard a man to get a hold of.'

'It wasn't on purpose!' You blurt out, snapping your head up to look at him with a pleading look on your face.

Ronin's got this sharp look in his eyes, like he's a spider and you're prey that's just wondered into his web. You swallow reflexively, taking a stuttering step back at his expression as either nerves or arousal shoots swoops through your stomach. You're so worked up you can't tell which one it is.

Ronin takes a meandering step forwards, saying 'excuses, excuses. Sounds to me like somebody just wanted to see me but was too shy.'

You take another step back, insisting, 'no, it was Dave! I swear! He's a menace, he caught me screaming in my car and when I told him Avangeline broke down he basically made me call you otherwise he'd have known something was up!'

'Wow, that's quite the web of lies you've got yourself tangled up in darlin'.' Ronin chuckles, continuing to walk forwards slowly while tucking his hands in the pockets of his trousers. Shame pricks its way along your neck as you try stepping back again but your back collides with Avangeline and suddenly you're trapped between her and Ronin with no where to run.

'I know, I should have just sucked it up and let them make their jokes-' You can't even look at him as you say this. Shamefully, you finally figure out which emotion has settled in your gut and for some reason its arousal as Ronin crowds you back against the car. You hold your breath, trembling as you wait for him to say something, anything but the silence hangs heavy between you before, finally-

'Nah. I get it. S'not an issue. I don't mind being your pretend boyfriend if it gets them off your back.' Ronin cuts you off, sounding incredibly casual for someone that's only just learned a stranger is pretending to date them to alleviate some light emotional torture at work.

You deflate as relief floods your body, sagging back against Avangeline, thankful that she's there to keep you upright as your legs feel weak for the second time today. Somehow, by the grace of God, Ronin doesn't think you're a huge weirdo creep that shouldn't be allowed around people ever, even though if the positions were reversed you'd be more than a little freaked out.

'C'mon, let's get you home. I'll let the guys at the shop know Avangeline is here and in need of assistence and they'll send a tow truck. You can have her back in a few days.'

You're so relieved that this nightmare of a shitshow is somehow turning out okay even though the worst case scenario just happened that you don't even argue, just nod and follow him on wobbily legs to his truck.

The drive to your house is peaceful, music playing quietly in the background as Ronin hums softly along to it. You're about half way home when it strikes you that you never actually thanked Ronin for coming out and looking at Avangeline when you phoned his personal number instead of the mechanic's.

'Thanks, um, for driving me home. And for coming out when I called you out of the blue. And for not making a big deal about the whole um, fake boyfriend thing.'

'Hey, what are fake boyfriends for if it's not getting you out a jam with your asshole coworkers? And I'm a mechanic baby, fixing cars is kind of the whole job.'

'Yeah but you could have just left me there.'

'I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend if I just left you there.'

'Fake boyfriend.'

Ronin shoots you a lazy grin before focusing his eyes back on the road, 'that's not what your coworkers think. C'mon, baby, we gotta keep up the ruse. What if Jessica is lying in wait arond the corner? Or maybe I have her stashed in the trunk. Can't have her overhearin' 'nd catchin' us.'

You giggle at his stupid joke. He really likes to ham up the whole dangerous, bad boy angle, doesn't he? You feel oddly light now that everything's out in the open. You can't help but be happy that Ronin's not making you feel weird about this whole thing even though it really is a bizarre situation you've gotten yourself into.

It's comfortably silent for a moment before Ronin breaks it, 'so how long were you planning to keep this up for? Were we gonna get fake married and have a fake wedding and fake babies?'

'Uhh, I don't know, I didn't really think that far ahead.' You laugh a little, feeling far more comfortable talking about this than you thought you would because Ronin is joking about it like it's normal even though it's not. Suddenly a thought occurs to you, one that'd gotten lost in the drama of finding out your car was tampered with and then subsequently having your cover blown, 'where uh, where'd you find my phone by the way?'

'Swung by the nightclub on my way to your work and someone had turned it in,' Ronin says casually, like it's no big deal as he makes a right turn into traffic.

'You didn't have to do that,' you say, oddly touched by the gesture. Even you, the person who's lost phone it is, haven't been that diligent about finding it. You just left your number with the staff and told them to call you if anything turned up.

'Nonsense, 'course I did. I am your boyfriend after all.'

'I'm never going to live this down, am I?'

'Nope. We're here by the way.' You look up, surprised to find that Ronin's telling the truth and his truck is idling outside your flat.

'Oh! Right. Thanks for driving me home. And for all the other stuff too.'

Ronin turns off the engine, 'I'll walk you in.'

'You don't have to-'

'Nah. Gotta make sure you get in safe 'nd sound. You almost cunted it like three seperate times in the parking lot earlier, not sure your legs are up to the arduous task of getting you to your front door.'

You open the car door, 'my legs are fine- woah!' You slip getting out the car and have to catch yourself on the door.

You hear Ronin snicker from behind you, 'you sure about that, darlin'?'

'I'm fine! I totally meant to do that, that was just uh- my way of getting out the car,' you fib.

'Sure it was, darlin'.' Ronin laughs and you hear the car door shut as he gets out. He walks around the car in the time you spend righting yourself, and offers an arm out to you with a cocky grin and hooded eyes. From this angle it's like he's looking down on you. You pause briefly, wondering if you need to get your head checked because your stomach flutters with butterflies at the expression on his face.

You slap his arm down with a, 'I can walk just fine by myself, thank you.'

'News to me.'

You roll your eyes at him and walk up the path to your flat, pulling out your keys as you go. You can hear him walking slowly behind you so you make a point to straighten your shoulders and walk with your head held high. You're fine. So of course when you get to the door you fumble and drop the keys. Then, when you manage to pick them back up after scrambling your fingers in the dirt for a couple of seconds, you keep missing the keyhole while trying to unlock your door with how hard your hands are shaking.

When the key slips and skids past the keyhole for the fifth time you hear Ronin sigh fondly from behind you before arms are reaching around your shoulders, what can only be Ronin's chest bumping against your back and boxing you in, as hands larger than your own peel your fingers away from their tight grip on the cold metal of your keys. He inserts the key into the lock first try and unlocks your door, pushing it open and stepping back to let you in.

You step inside, feeling oddly at a loss without his body heat warming your back before you pause with the door open and look back at Ronin, making a split second decision, 'hey, do you um- do you wanna come in for a coffee or something? I uh- I think I'm more shaken up than I thought by the whole sugar-in-Avangeline's-tank, someone-is-deliberately-tampering-with-my-car-and-maybe-trying-to-kill-me ordeal than I thought. I don't really wanna be alone right now.'

'Sure. I could go for a coffee.' Ronin steps past you into your flat, 'this way you'll have something real to tell your coworkers about tomorrow. You gonna cook me dinner too? Light some candles? Maybe I can stay over and we can go mini golfing tomorrow.' You know he's teasing you but the offer is ridiculously tempting all the same. Except for the mini golfing bit, you'd rather die.

'Keys go here,' you tap little bowl you keep your keys in that rests on a table by the door as you realise he's still holding them.

Ronin drops the keys into the bowl with a flourish then steps back with his hands tucked in the pocket of his jeans. As he's standing there looking at you, waiting for you to show him around your flat, your heart stutters a little in your chest, kicking a little one-two flutter as you realise that Ronin, a very attractive stranger is standing in your hallway right now.

You stare at him awkwardly, the silence stretching on for a second too long before he breaks it, 'don't tell me you're gettin' cold feet now, darlin'. How're we gonna convince anyone we're dating if you keep lookin' at me like a lamb for slaughter anytime we're alone?'

His dry, sardonic wit kickstarts your brain back into gear as you toe off your shoes, saying, 'I think those two things kinda cancel each other out, no? Being alone and convincing other people? Kinda need the other people to be around to convince and then that makes us not alone. Bit of a moot point, don't you think?'

Ronin snorts, kicking the front edge of his boot gently against your socked feet as he says, 'touche. Now you gonna show me around or what?'

XXXXXXXXX

yall that was a DOOZY. my fav chapter to write so far im ngl it was so FUN i cannot wait to write the next lol. also can you believe this ONE chapter is 12k words?? thats like the full length of the first ronin fic I published on here! which was (for a brief time) the longest thing i'd ever written at time of publishing! oh how the turn tables…

lmk of any egregious typos and remember i update ao3 first bc i gotta do formatting to post for tumblr and im lazzyyyyyyyy, so subscribe on ao3 if you want the fastest updates :)

.... i spelt fucking sacrilege wrong and only found out bc tumblr told me fmmlllllllll this has been on ao3 for like a couple weeks now and YOURE TELLING ME I CANT SPELL FUCKING SACRILEGE??? also why is it spelt like that???? that feels wrong!! sacrelige is what i had! boooo! boo english you SUCKKK !!! fart face. <- directed at english not at u reader. sorry u had to see that but it was necessary. they (english) needed to learn.

#reblog #killer chat #<333 the best fic

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