requests are open! hey! I write (semi) Canon compliant reader inserts, with emphasise on character driven dialogue and plot ! Most of my readers have anxiety! Bc I have anxiety. All he/him work is trans btw not cis :) @gdragonsideburns is my main
Requests are currently open! :) I write for any fandom I’ve already posted something for, send an ask if you’re unsure. I’ll make a proper list asp and link it here (also if you’re one of the people who sent a ronin request yonks ago that I didn’t reply to do not worry both ideas are in my to do list, I just need to play killer chat again hehe:) )
My AO3!
Masterlist
Taglist
Things I don't write for!
I take requests for any character I've already written. I'm also willing to try write for other characters from fandoms I've already written for. If you want something for a fandom I've never written for you can always ask and I'll lyk if it's possible!
PLEASE SPECIFY IF YOU WANT A SFW OR NSFW WORK REQUEST OTHERWISE I WILL JUST WRITE WHATS IN MY HEART (which is normally porn ngl but sometimes its not)
Don't be afraid to come and talk to me about whatever btw!! I love a chat n to hear from you all, anon or no anon :))
Important stuff!! :
I take requests! Look in my bio to check if requests are open. Please be aware that most of my writing is long (12k words avg) so I only take requests that interest me. If I deny your request it is ONLY because I am not the correct writer to fulfil it not because there is something inherently wrong with the request.
That being said it might be some time before your request is fulfilled, check #cupidtakes to see if I've accepted it and #writingprog for any updates
Some of my writing is dark content! PLEASE read ALL related content warnings and tags before consuming.
That being said, if you are under 18 please do not comment on or reblog any of my NSFW posts. I can't control what you read but this is a boundary I am setting. Please do not cross it. If I find you commenting on or sharing my work you will be blocked by ALL of my accounts.
In same vein, age in bios please! Simple "adult/over 18" will work if you don't wanna put your age but I need a simple form of verification. BLANK AND AGELESS BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED FOR COMMENTING/RBING NSFW POSTS.
Oh! Some of my general posts might be NSFW in nature, they will be tagged w #nsft! If you want to block them :)
IF YOUR REQUEST HASN’T BEEN ANSWERED ITS BC IM THINKING ABOUT IT, YOU CAN SEND A SECOND IF YOU’RE WORRIED TUMBLR ATE IT AND I’LL REPLY SAYING IT’S PENDING :)))
Requests r open atm I'm just really slow at answering asks n fulfilling them haha. I'm just around to getting to writing some I got asked in the new year haha
A bit of a random request...but could you make a killer chat x teen!reader platonic of course. Its like where they r 15-16 maybe and are almost got caught by the police so they need the servers help. The servers dosent know anything abt reader so when they find out how ypung they r they're like shocked
Its tots oki if you dont have time ofc
Remeber to eat, drink and sleep❤️❤️
Hiiii, unfortunately I can't fill this request. Ik I do sfw fics w younger readers for other fandoms but that's bc the characters in those fandoms are 17-18 as well
since the nature of my work is primarily romantic I'm not comfortable writing a younger reader when the characters are canonically mid twenties ish
(Ik you asked for plantonic but that's not super my jam in the first place lol)
Thanks for the ask and I hope you find someone to fulfil your request!
we're approaching me having so many fics on here i cant keep them straight i had to focus to get all the links for MFBFIASK going to the right places but i like to be thorough and I KNOW id be mad if i didnt do it like this but dammnnn its too much work :/
My Fake Boyfriend is a Serial Killer. Ronin Beaufort/GN Reader (3/?)
All language concerning the reader will be gender neutral except for any chapters containing smut, which will be seperated into two versions with they/them vs he/him pronouns for a GN reader and a trans masc one :) Any NSFW will be AFAB reader, jsyk.
AO3 Link! - My Fake Boyfriend is a Serial Killer.
Looking for chapter 2?
EVENTUAL NSFW, MINORSPLEASE DO NOT REBLOG OR COMMENT ON NSFW CHAPTERS. I WILL BLOCK YOU.
Summary:
You didn't mean to tell your coworkers that the man you met at the club was your boyfriend, it just sort of... happened. You only wanted them to stop asking about your love life! It's not your fault it just sort of... slipped out. It's not that big of a deal though, it's not like he's ever gonna find out, right? Besides, you've got much more pressing things to worry about, like the fact that a certain serial killer seems to have set his eyes on you and is ...toying with you?
6'530 words!
CW for eventual stalking/canon typical Ronin serial killer behaviour directed at the reader. Also at him being duplicitous about it.
You don't text Ronin. You did take his number but it was in a moment of weakness, you don't need it. You don't need him, don't even want him; you're fine. You're so fine that you spend the whole weekend susumed with working on your novel rather than thinking about him- or you try to. It'd be more accurate to say you spend several hours of one day devoted to trying to add to what you're hoping may some day end up as a completed novel but have been finding yourself consistently stuck on more often than not.
You're beginning to think that you're never going to finish it. You've got two seperate, completely disconnneted halves of one book on your hands: the beginning, where your main character is stuck living with an abusive boyfriend that has ties to the criminal underworld; and the end, where they've left him and things are good now. You're just missing the middle… where all the plot happens… and also all the flavour and joy that should come with escaping such a situation. …If you're being honest with yourself- both parts suck, just for different reasons.
It does have one thing going for it though: you really feel like you've nailed the suffocating atmosphere that the main character has to live through day in and day out in the first part, and it was cathartic as hell to write it, …but you've got no idea on how to get them out. It's not like they can just leave the way you did, pack up their shit, drive to another city and live in their car for four months while they try desperately to find accomodation and a new job- the whole point is that their boyfriend is a dangerous man with worrying connections to the criminal underworld that prevents them from leaving so you're pretty much stuck on that part with no ideas on how to remedy it.
Then with the other half of the book, the happy ending that is supposed to cinch everything together, it's just… not working. It's not really happy at all. You're starting to worry you've written yourself into a corner trying to pull so realistically from your own life; what if you can't conceive of a way to imagine a better ending because this is just how things are? This is just what life is- either painful, or boring.
Or, you're pulling semi-realistically, maybe your ex wasn't a drug-dealing scumbag like the guy in your novel but they certainly were a piece of work; it had been the best decision of your life to leave them so why is everything you try to write about after falling so… so flat?
You've given your main character all the inspiration you can: you tried fleshing out their life with hobbies, given ambitions and goals, added in friendships when their life seemed lonely, but everything slides off and into oblivion because you just can't see them acting in that way- or any way really, so you always end up deleting it.
Maybe you really are just not good at this. You've put in so much work to forget every negative comment and horrific un-truth that your ex instilled into you over the two years that you were with him …but the more you try and fail to write this story, the more you start to accept that maybe this time he was right and that you were never cut out to be a writer in the first place.
You've considered other options, like working on something else for a while, or that this story should just be scrapped entirely but you already tried that. The other pieces came out worse than this one, not just flat and boring but completely uninspired, not just stuck but unmoving in the first place- and anything you write that came across as even remotely interesting all funnels back into this piece. It's like the story is in your veins and you just need to bleed it out onto the page but no matter how deep you dig it's not working. You're starting to worry that you've been bled dry way before you're ready to hang it up.
And that's when the depression thoughts started to spiral and you ended up in an unending loop of 'I'm just not good enough. If I was better this would be easy, but it's not, so I'm not. Failure. I'm a failure- why did I even try in the first place?' So stopped writing- or trying to write- and turned to your old, faithful friend to distract you from this- television. And you don't text Ronin. Not even once. Even if you can't stop compulsively checking your phone because your fingers maybe itch to.
The rest of that Saturday passes by quickly, countless hours of televsion blending seamlessly into Sunday, where you watch more countless hours of television, interrupted only by your passing out in the little hours of the morning on both nights until your alarm startles you awake on Monday morning. The sound blares bright and cheery in a way you haven't felt for more than an odd second in what feels like years so you slap your phone off your bed with with appropriately vindictive rage in your heart. Which only results in it hitting the floor with a concerning 'thunk' for a phone that old and the alarm continuing its violent assault on your ears so you drag yourself out of bed with a groan to hit the showers.
*
Work that day is fine, brain splittingly boring yet meditative in the monotonous way rote tasks become on their four hundreth rotation. By the time lunch rolls around you're actually kind of hoping that someone has something interesting to offer up in the gossip department to entertain you because the tedium is kind of making you want to put your head through a brick wall.
However, when you reach the kitchen it seems like everyone else in the office has had both the exact same thought as you as well as the same boring weekend. You're greeted by Jessica grasping your hands with a fervour that kind of scares you a little as she practically shouts in your face, 'you're here! Please tell me you called Hot Emo Guy and got some nookie because it seems like no one in this office has a life!' She throws her voice pointedly back towards the rest of the kitchen where Kristen, Samuel, Dave, and Olivia are currently located- which explains why they aren't busy rehashing whether the Emma-and-Olivia thing is serious or just for funsies considering the Olivia part of the equation is currently in the room.
Which, unfortunately for you, seems to mean that your love life is back up for discussion. You try to backtrack and make a quick escape, you'll take tedium over the dissection of all the things you're doing wrong in the romance department any day. You turn around, thinking you'll just take a later lunch and hopefully avoid this entire conversation but the second you move to evacuate Jessica pulls you further into the room with a cheeky grin on her face and a, 'you totally did! I can see it on your face! How was it? How was he? Did he stay the night or-'
You cannot have the entire room thinking you slept with Ronin; you'll never hear the end of it. You have to put a stop to this now before they can decide what happened for you. 'We didn't sleep together!' bursts out of your mouth in a rush.
Immediately you realise your mistake as Jessica's grin widens and her eyes sparkle like she's just uncovered gold, 'so you did see him?' The way she says it, it's obvious she set you up and you can't believe you fell for it. So much for thinking before you speak.
'Tell. Us. Everything,' Jessica says.
Dave gasps and bounces a little in excitement at the idea of new gossip while both Samuel and Kristen lean in to hear what you've got to say.
'Not in the way you're thinking! I saw him once. Once.' You tell them, trying to keep it as short as possible so you don't slip up further and say something else they can misinterpret.
You don't intend to give them any more information than that but then Samuel nudges Kristen with his elbow and fails to quietly whisper, 'told you they slept together. You owe me five dollars.'
'I didn't sleep with him! I barely know him! He just fixed my car when it was making a weird noise!' You shout in exasperation.
'Is fixing your car what we're calling it these days? Did he get under your bonnet?' Dave snickers and Jessica honks out a laugh while smacking his shoulder. This is the reason you consider Dave as the office's biggest gossip instead of Jessica- because Jessica might be loud and nosy but Dave is so adorably sweet until he wants to be cutting. You know this but somehow you seem to forget every time until he gets you.
You cannot believe it's come back to this so quickly, can't believe that they're all snickering about how he 'definitely pumped your tires'. Whatever the fuck that means. How did you get them to stop so quickly last time? From what you can remember you didn't do anything special, they just moved on naturally, right? …After Jessica proclaimed you a liar and claimed that you totally kissed Ronin- which you did not, the very idea is proposterous but they did move on pretty quickly after that.
…Is that what got them to shut up? Or were they just bored and decided to move on? Unlikely, considering their favourite game is guessing new ways to set you up with someone so maybe… maybe if you play into it then they'll drop it faster, if you give them something to gossip about when you're gone then they'll move on to something else while you're here- or at least they'll have less to tease you about because you'll be the one in control of the narrative.
This is a good plan, you just need to figure out what to say. You don't want to lie- that's too many things to keep track of that you might forget, so what if you just feed them seme vague truths that they can gossip about later? Because they will gossip about it later but it won't be to you and then you can actually enjoy your breaks either scrolling on your phone or talking about other stuff. This should work. …By God you hope this works.
'He uh- he did give me his number though…' For Avangeline is the part you don't say out loud.
'Oh. My. God! I knew it!' Dave shrieks at an earsplitting level of noise, only reeling himself in slightly when other people flinch with a chargrinned, '…oops, sorry~'
'You dog!' Jessica crows, before crowding towards you saying, 'show us! Show us! I wanna see!'
Instinctively you shrink back from her, barely eeking out a, 'no, that's not- I don't want that, no thank you.' …Dear God what have you unleashed. Maybe this is a mistake?
Surprisingly though, that's as far as it goes. Samuel pulls Jessica back with a metaphorical hand on her collar by saying, 'Jess, that's a bit much, don't you think?'
She looks enough like a proverbial kicked puppy when she apologises that you find, 'don't worry about it, we're going out for drinks this weekend,' tripping off your tongue before you can stop it.
You don't know what inspired you to say it, maybe you felt bad about her getting chastised- you always have had an issue with feeling guilty for getting others into trouble, even when it ostentaniously wasn't your fault. Or maybe it's because maybe- maybe, a teeny, tiny part of you wants to be going on a date with Ronin this weekend?
That's not- it can't be- no. No. You've decided, you already decided. No. You don't like him- you've only met him twice! He's your fake date this weekend just to get your coworkers off your back and your one-time mechanic by pure coincidence and that is all.
But… it was kind of close there, with Jessica demanding to see your phone and all. Maybe you should text Ronin- just to have evidence if they ask, or God forbid Dave somehow gets his sticky mitts on your phone. You wouldn't put it past him and you have no doubt that sneaky SOB would figure out how to get your password without you knowing.
So, in order to protect your story, you snap a picture of Avangeline's steering wheel when you're heading home and go to text it to Ronin with a, 'she's running fine, not a drop of blood in sight!' Maybe it's not the most exciting of texts but it's better than nothing- easier to bluff that you decided to go on a date with him in person when there's evidence that you've met him since that first night.
However, you find the flaw in your perfectly concocted plan when you scan quickly through your contact list and cannot find a 'Ronin' in sight. …Did he not put in his number? He was the one who asked- why would he bother asking if he wasn't going to follow through? Has the old-ass phone that you found in the back of your kitchen drawer failed you already?
Scrolling back up you go through your contacts slower this time, taking the chance to actually read the titles rather than just scanning for the 'R' section. It takes you a second to find him but you eventually you realise that the overdramatic bastard has saved himself in your phone as 'goreboy <3<3<3' rather than his actual name which is why you couldn't find him. So, instead of the photo you text him, 'goreboy? rly?????'
goreboy <3<3<3:
took you Long Enough to Notice
was beginning to think you Didn't Like Me
or is this not a Social Call?
Don't Tell Me evangeline's Crapped Out already?
you:
*avangeline
w an A
bcuz shes an Angel
is ur keyboard broken?
y r u typing like tht
goreboy <3<3<3:
Bold of you to Assume this isn't a Choice
why are You typing like you're being Held Hostage and your phone is in your pocket?
you:
myb i Am being Held Hostage
whts it 2 u
goreboy <3<3<3:
and the Student becomes the Master
you:
master of capitalising things badly?
goreboy <3<3<3:
what would that make you?
Master of Spelling Things Wrong?
you:
master of spelling thngs w Whismsy and Excellence
smthn ur clearly lackin g
goreboy <3<3<3:
bit soon for pet names
…What? Petnames? Where is he getting a petname from? You scan your previous message before it hits you, 'g'- a typo in the word lacking twisted to be interpreted as short for goreboy because he's claiming you type the way you do because you don't know how to spell. …Bit pedantic. Ronin doesn't let anything slip past him, does he?
you:
…occasionanlly i spell w such speed n accuracy thzt words get split unintentionally…
but it was NOT a 'pet name'
u r my mechanic.
that's all.
goreboy <3<3<3:
what's Wrong with Avangeline then?
since I'm only Your mechanic.
You stare at your phone screen, momentarily stumped and unsure what to say. You're not texting Ronin because your car is malfunctioning and he knows it; there's nothing wrong with Avangeline but you can't very well tell him that you're texting him to have a better alibi the next time he's brought up at work because you're pretending to have a date scheduled with him so your coworkers will get off your back about you being single. Crap.
you:
nthn, was just txting 2 say ty, realised i hadn't yet n felt rude.
goreboy <3<3<3:
have you Removed the Hearts next to my Name yet?
pulled them Out of my chest and thrown them in the Trash with the other Rotten things?
or did the Thought make you too Love Sick?
Shit… You didn't even think about that. Quickly you open Ronin's contact and edit it so the next text comes through as,
goreboy:
conspicuously Silent are we?
a Lessor Man would take that as an Indication of Guilt
Good Thing for you I already Know you're Guilty
throw yourself on my Mercy and I Might just Consider Sparing you
Might.
you:
idk what ur talking about
ive been here the whole tim
was just stunned in2 silence by ur Overconfidence
goreboy:
sure
let's go with That
you:
r u calling me a liar
goreboy:
if the Tongue fits
you:
…tongue?
do i want 2 no?
goreboy:
serpentine, like a certain reformed angel
you know The One
Father of Lies
Bringer of Truth
helped eve attain her Truest Desires
you:
…are u fr comparing me to the devil rn?
goreboy:
nah
you're not Cool enough.
not like me
I'd never lie to you for one
you:
so now UR the devil?
goreboy:
close enough
remade in his image
sinful with rot
riddled with Blessings to cleanse the land
666 to be exact
you:
congratulations
every time i think uve hit Peak Edgelord u find a way to outdo urself
but this might take the trophy
we might have 2 assign u edgiest boy in all the land
sry
*Edgiest Boy in All the Land
no curves in sight
goreboy:
damn right
I Cut Them Off Myself
with a little help, of course
you:
ok loser
i have 2 go home now, txt u l8r
goreboy:
messaging me during work hours?
how sacrilegious
don't let the Big Man know
you:
not during wokr
after
goreboy:
and you're not Home yet?
so you put off going home to talk to little old me?
little Desperate darlin
you:
stfu.
just happened ro rmbr u existed when i saw Avangeline
wasnt thinking about u at all b4
goreboy:
careful you don't Choke on all your Protestations there darl
you:
choke.
goreboy:
sdccxnbsdfef
dsbcxnbes
sesdvbcxnfjg
you:
wut???
goreboy:
just doin as I was Told darl
or did you not Mean it?
gotta be careful when you speak
someone might think you're Serious and that would make you a Murderer
you:
i am going to Kill You.
goreboy:
you Mean it?
hand on your heart?
c'mon then
I'd like to See You Try
best Get To It before someone else takes the Honour
You snort and tuck your phone away before starting your car. You're not dignifying that with a reply. God, what a dick.
*
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday pass much the same way; with you working hard at your desk, being interrupted occasionally by the odd remark from your coworker mentioning that Jason and Todd have stopped carpooling or wishing you luck at your 'date' this weekend, but most importantly you manage to eat lunch in relative peace given that you have no gossip to share yourself.
Sure, you have to listen to Dave and Samson bounce theories off each other as to why Kristen would ever paint her nails that colour because it doesn't suit her but it beats them theorising what kind of people you're into, or who in or out of the office they can set you up with because it's just so sad you live alone!
Your week passes peacefully, the way you like it. You don't text Ronin and he doesn't text you and it's peaceful. You don't spend anymore time than you normally do checking your phone for messages, and you definitely don't get disappointed everytime your phone dings and it isn't him.
The system works, you lie to your coworkers about Ronin whenever he's brought up, catgorically don't think about him in the moments in between, and when the weekend comes you have a full fourty-eight hours to yourself to do whatever the fuck you want without having to dread being the subject of your coworkers incessant desire to meddle and 'fix'- not that you've been dreading it much this week, they've hardly brought your love life up apart from the odd titter or question.
The system works- it does! And you're happy because of it. …Yet for some reason you find yourself picking your phone up every five minutes to look at it, you don't get any writing done, you can't focus on the television, and you tried playing some games on your computer but nothing is working and you don't know why!
Then you get a text. Your phone beeps at you from where it's sitting on your coffee table and you scramble to pick it up at a normal pace. Such a normal pace that it slips out of your grasp and you end up juggling it for a second before it dives between the couch cushions and you have to dig it out.
The text is from Ronin, he's sent a blurry, half cropped photo of a selfie with his face partially in the frame and a couple of people behind him, all facing away looking at a …tiny windmill? It's clear he's put very little effort into the selfie from the blur, the lack of attention from the people with him, and the fact he's only half in the frame- you can make out just the corner of his grin and one eye that's half shut from him laughing delight. …How is he this hot when he's not even trying?
you:
is that …mini golf?
goreboy:
yea. you comin?
you:
no
soz. i have peaceful sunday planned where i do fuck all and dont waste my time getting irrationaly angry at GOLF 4 being an EVIL sport that defies physics like its somehow "fun" now to hit a tiny ball with a small stick and pray it goes in the hole jst bc its mini
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
goreboy:
you Wound me darlin
good to know you're bad at golf though
will put that on the List of Things I know about you
you:
u keeping a diary on me now?
goreboy:
of sorts
you:
bit creepy dude
goreboy:
if you want I could Share some of it with you
you:
shoot.
Your phone is conspicuously silent for a moment without a single text coming through, long enough that you start to question whether he's been distracted by all the mini golf and his friends before another text comes in and you learn why. 'Goreboy' has texted you a fuzzy picture of what's presumably the back of the little slip they give you to write down your golf score on, covered in handwritten scribbles. It's obvious from the content that he's only just written them down but you're still kind of impressed at the level of commitment to the bit. The notes say:
"Cute. Bad at golf, blames golf. drives FUBAR POS car (FUBAR POS is underlined several times), claims to love it even though it's one pothole away from becoming a heap of shit.
ways to get attention:
steal POS car? test strength of conviction? how far would they go for Avangeline? no, it might fall apart on getaway- too risky."
…Ronin's been plotting ways to get your attention? Even as a joke the idea is- you are not flattered. You are not flattered despite what the swooping feeling in your tummy says. There's other writing at the top of the image but it's largely cropped out, the only word you can sort of guess at is the word 'phone' with a question mark after it.
you:
YOU WERE PLOTTING TO STEAL MY BABY???!!!
goreboy:
so you Can spell
you:
i Will Kill u
if u touch her
goreboy:
that's all it takes to Make A Murderer out of you?
and here I was with an 18 step plan all laid out and Ready to be put into action
but turns out you're a little less Lost than I thought
keep Talkin Dirty to me baby
you:
ur a freak u no that right?
goreboy:
you Flatter me
my Ego would Eat it Up
you:
wasnt a compliment but ok
goreboy:
sure Sounded Like One to me
I've got to go
mini golf is Calling My Name
you:
woooww, minigolf learned to talk n the 1st thing it said was cringe
it'll never recover from this
might even go under
waht a shame ill never have 2 play
goreboy:
sounds like someone's a Sore Loser
you:
only when i lose
okk, c u l8r
cringeboy
You're smiling when you put the phone down but it's not because of Ronin. It's because you were bored and looking for any stimulation to distract you. That's all. It doesn't mean anything that slipping into your hobbies is easy afterwards. You just needed something to snap you out of your funk is all and Ronin provided a opportunity to do so.
*
On the Monday after your supposed 'drinks' with Ronin (watching telly with your feet up and and falling asleep with your face smushed in the couch cushions) Samuel asks 'how's the boyfriend?' in a voice so monotone you'd think he wasn't interested if it wasn't for the way he cut off Kristen in the middle of her long winded monologue about her weekend to ask.
You say, 'he's not my boyfriend, and Kristen was talking, you cut her off.'
To which Jessica replies, 'yet~' and you roll your eyes at her.
'Kristen's told that story a million times, tell us about your hot date!' Dave exclaims.
'Doesn't mean we shouldn't listen,' you try redirect the conversation away from you and back to her.
'It's fine, I have told that story a couple of times-'
'A million!' Dave poorly disguises his jab in a cough.
'-I'd much rather hear about your date.' Kristen finishes. Betrayal. From the very woman you were trying to help.
'I don't think-' You try again.
'No but seriously, how was it?' Jessica cuts you off. Okay. It's date talking time apparently. At least you know how to get this to stop now.
You shrug, 'it was…' unbidden, your text conversation with Ronin from the day prior floats to the front of your mind, 'good. It was good. His name is Ronin, he's a mechanic and he's funny. We get on well,' slips out without much thought behind it. Huh. You didn't mean to say that. You take a sip of your drink to hide the smile that's creeping its way onto your face.
Jessica makes a high pitched 'squueeeeee'ing sound before running up and wrapping her arms around you. You stiffen uncomfortably at the touch as she jostles you while shouting, 'I'm so happy for you! I saw that smile! You must really like him!'
Then Dave pipes up, 'when's your next date? Oh! We should brainstorm ideas for what you can do! What are you going to wear? Do you think it'll get serious?'
Your heart sinks. You were only playing into this because you were under the impression that it would get them to ask less questions and be less involved, not more but then it hits you: just give them the answers that they're looking for and they'll stop. It's not like they're prying into your real life, so it doesn't matter what you tell them.
'Actually, the date was- Friday night and… we went mini golfing the next day. I crushed it, him not so much but he was a good sport about it. It was really fun. We didn't see each other yesterday but he's coming over for dinner on Wednesday and I have a really good feeling about it.' There. That should be all the juice they need to keep the gossip train chugging away from you for a little bit.
Jessica lets out a moderately restrained squeal compared to the one she let out a second ago and says to the room at large, 'I told you they weren't a lost cause! I told you!'
You're a little offended by the statement but that's the end of it. It's over. You can take a little hit to your pride if it means they move on and they do. Dave starts asking Kristen when she's going to dump her 'piece of shit' boyfriend and she immediately throws herself into defending him, swearing up and down that he's a good guy really but everyone already knows he's a scumbag.
It's so easy. How did you not figure this out before? Maybe because you'd sworn off romance since before you started working here but if you'd have known that having a fake boyfriend would get the heat off your back you would have made one up years ago! It's so simple.
You just feed them a couple of fake stories about your 'boyfriend' to keep them entertained, and if you need to you can take Avangeline to where he works for a 'check up' as an excuse to see him if you ever need proof- which you won't, as if they'd check. You're sleeping easy knowing that your life at work just improved one thousand percent with a only couple of white lies.
*
Wednesday throws a wrench into your so far excellent week in a big way because against all your wishes your car, your beautiful angel of a car which was working fine this morning, won't start when you get in it to go home. You don't know what's wrong with her- she was slightly juddery upon starting up this morning, stalling once at the stoplights but that's normal for Avangeline, good, even.
Then it turns out Dave and Samson happen to be leaving at the same time as you and they catch you sitting in your car with your head braced against the steering wheel and maybe you're screaming a little bit and smacking your hands against it too. Who can blame you though? This was shaping up to be a perfect week and now this, Avangeline's potential death, has come along to ruin it.
Your private screaming session is interrupted by a couple of polite raps against the window. The noise startles you enough that you whip up far too fast and end up smacking your head heavily into the carseat behind you. Wincing and cursing under your breath as you rub the back of your head, you look up to see Dave waving at you cheerily through the window and grinning while Samson stands slightly futher back with his arms crossed, he lifts a hand briefly to acknowledge you when you look at him.
Awkwardly, you roll down Avangeline's window- which you can do even though she won't start because she's so old that she has a hand crank- and pretend you weren't just screaming up a storm inside your car that no one was meant to see but two of your co-workers just did.
'Heyyy, Dave. Hi Samson. What's up?' You ask uber casually.
'Are you okay? We saw you… shouting? At your car and we got worried so we wanted to come over and check it out.' From the disinterested look on Samson's face the 'we' that Dave is referring to is an exaggeration.
'Uh, yeah. I'm fine. Avan- my car isn't starting for some reason, I think I'm going to need to call a mechanic.'
'Ooooooooh,' Dave starts and his hands start to flap in excitement, 'are we going to get to meet the boyfriend then?'
Your heart sinks. Did you tell them that Ronin's a mechanic? You didn't mean to, but you must have for Dave to be bringing him up. You… did not plan for this. What are you going to say? You cannot have your coworkers meeting Ronin- it'll blow your whole cover. You have to think of something, and quick. You could call the mechanic shop and ask them send someone else, but what if whoever answers the phone tells Ronin? That'd be awkward. Or worse, what if Ronin picks up? What if Dave or Samson hears you? And that's likely with Samson's freaky bat hearing. Wait, you can just call a different mechanic! That works! That's genius!
'Uh, yeah I'll just call the shop right now and-'
'You're not gonna call him directly?' Dave asks. Shit. Curse your big mouth.
'Oh, um, yeah,' you laugh awkwardly, feeling uncomfortably caught out and inwardly cursing your inability to think before you speak, 'let me just pull up his contact,' you say, stalling for time. Maybe they'll leave before this gets really awkward …but judging from the way Dave is almost leaning into your car that's probably not gonna happen.
Dave does not move away when you unlock your phone- in fact he leans further in and from this angle there's no way you can really hide what you're doing without it being blatent and weird. The whole thing feels incredibly awkward- but not as awkward as Dave realising you'd been lying to them all or worse, Ronin turning up and the combined embarrassment of him finding out plus Dave realising you've been lying to them all, so you suck up all your courage and tentatively ask, 'could you maybe not lean in my car so much?'
Dave looks surprised and then says, 'of course!' as he takes a step away from Avangeline but it's really only a baby step. You consider asking again but it feels far too awkward now. What if Dave asks why or what if he thinks you're being weird because you won't just phone the guy you're supposedly dating.
You can't afford Dave starting to ask questions. You need to quash any suspicion before it arises, you don't want to even imagine a world where all your coworkers find out you've made up a boyfriend to get them to leave you alone. You'd be a pariah, a pariah that'd be subject to thousands of jokes a day and then the quest to find you a partner would return with a pitying vengence. You can practically hear Jessica now, 'that's so sad, don't worry! We'll find you someone! You won't have to make up a boyfriend to feel less lonely once we're done with you!' God that would be awful.
It'll be fine. You're pretty sure you can get away with a surruptitious Google from this angle with the small amount of space Dave has given you. Then it's simply a matter of phoning a different mechanic's and pretending that you're phoning Ronin. You can tell Dave that he's out on another call and that he can't come because of that so you have to make other arrangements and oh this is a bad plan.
A bad, bad plan. There are so many ways this could go wrong but you have no other! You click the search browser and as soon as you do you hear a, 'what? Did you lose his number or something? Don't tell me you broke up!' because Dave is once again leaning the top half of his body inside your car to peer at your phonescreen. How did you not notice that? Does Dave have secret spy super powers? Or are you just that unobservant? Either way, there goes your carefully concocted plan. You cannot believe you ever thought Dave's antics were cute- he is the devil reincarnate.
Briefly, you consider taking the lie and running with it, letting them all think you broke up but you dismiss that idea as soon as it comes because no way in Hell are you giving up your peaceful, amusing lunchtimes where you get to gossip about other people's lives and yours is largely left alone just because of one, small, hiccup. No. No way. You can do this. Somehow. …Also, you maybe brought up your supposed date with Ronin tonight when Kristen asked how it was going in order to ward off Jessica and Dave before they started circling during lunch so you're really backed into a corner here.
Determination settles over you as you realise what you've got to do: you're going to phone Ronin, stall him as much as possible, and then convince Dave and Samson to go home before he arrives. Not an impossible task; an improbable one, yes, but not impossible. You can do this, you will do this- because it'll be very, very, very embarrassing for you if you don't.
You scroll down your contacts until you find 'goreboy' and then click the phone icon with anxiety swirling in your stoach as Dave is still looking between you and your phone expectantly. Internally, you cross your fingers and pray by the grace of God that Ronin doesn't pick up.
No such luck. The line rings three times and then a, 'hello, darlin'. Missin' me already?' comes through the speaker.
'Uh, hey Ronin, no not quite um- I'm at work and Avangeline won't start and I don't know why so I'm sort of… stuck here?' It comes out as a question and you cringe, desperately hoping Dave doesn't pick up on how awkward you're being.
'So you need me to come and rescue you,' Ronin supplies.
You're feeling desperate enough between trying not to have Dave catch on that you've actually only talked to Ronin a total of four times including the two brief text exchanges and trying not to have Ronin think you're being weird and overly familiar as a practical stranger whos asking him for a favour, that you latch onto what he says and shout, 'yes!' into the phone a smidge too emphatically.
You hear Ronin cackle into the receiver before he says, 'wow, darlin', little desperate. You must really need me huh?'
…You cannot have him thinking that, you'll never hear the end of it. 'I never said I needed you.'
'Didn't need to darlin', I can hear it in your voice.'
'There is nothing in my voice.'
'So you didn't just shout 'yes' down the phone at me when I asked if you needed me to come rescue you?'
'Avangeline needs you, not me.'
'Excuses, excuses. Where d'ya work then?'
'Why'd you wanna know? Are you stalking me now?'
'And here I thought you wanted me to come fix your car up, or was that just an excuse to get me on the phone?'
Oh. Shit. Avangeline. And the fact that she's conveniently decided to stop working right as you were about to head home. Right. How did you forget that? You hear Ronin snicker as he undoubtably realises that you forgot the whole reason you phoned him in the first place after a singular minute of conversation. You rattle off the address of your work sheepishly into the receiver and pray he doesn't decide to tease you about it.
'I'll be there in ten,' Ronin says simply, then the line clicks as he hangs up.
Okay. That went well, all things considered. A success. Part one of your plan has gone swimmingly. Now you just have to convince Dave and Samson to leave before he gets here. In ten minutes. Not impossible. Not likely, but not impossible. If there had ever been a time to lie out of your ass it's now. You've always been terrible under pressure but that doesn't matter. You can do this. You can do this.
'You guys have so much chemistry! I can see why you like him, he's fiesty! Like you! It's a match made in Heaven!' Dave cries, his hands pressing into the lip of your car window as he does a little excited bounce. You can't help but think it's more match made in Hell with how stressful the last fifteen minutes of your life have been feeling.
You turn towards Dave and give him your best apologetic face, 'Ronin said it'll take him a minute to get here. He lives pretty far away and he's not at work right now so he'll have to stop by there first to pick up his tools so you should probably just go home.'
'And miss him? Nonsense! We can wait, can't we Samson?' Dave looks back at his boyfriend and Samson makes a see-sawing motion with his hand. From his response it seems like either they've got something planned or he just wants to go home. Excellent. He already wants to leave, you just have to convince Dave to go with him. You can work with this.
'Listen, guys, the whole thing with Ronin? It's pretty new, we're not really at the meeting each other's friends or coworkers stage yet. I don't want to freak him out so I'd really appreciate it if you weren't here when he turns up. I don't want to spook him.' Wow, are you good at lying all of a sudden?
'Okay, okay. You must really like this guy! We'll go but-! You are going to introduce him to us sometime, when things get serious and you're not worried about him running off.' Dave grins and rolls his eyes at you as if to say 'men' before sauntering off, grabbing Samson by the arm and pulling him to their car. You hold your breath until you see them peel out of the parking lot and down the road.
Success! You can't believe that worked but it did! Haha! Success!! You do a happy little I-can't-believe-that-worked jig right there in your car seat, tapping your hands on the steering wheel and wiggling in joy. Now the only thing that's left to do is wait for Ronin. And roll your window back up. That is the one modern feature you lament that Avangeline doesn't have- electrical buttons that wind the window for you. You roll the window up as quickly as is possible with an hand crank and settle down to scroll on your phone during the wait.
It takes about twenty minutes for Ronin to show up and when he does he's wearing an outfit close to what he was the night you met. Is his entire wardrobe nothing but edgy clothes? He wears it well though, you knew you liked the gothic look but you've never seen someone pull it off so effortlessly.
You might have gotten a little sucked into your phone during the wait for him, so when someone raps on the window of your car for the second time that day you shriek, jumping at the sound and dropping your phone into the footwell of your car.
You curse and reach down awkwardly, fishing blindly around your feet with your face smushed against the steering wheel until you catch your phone between two fingers and manage to finangle it back into your grasp with some difficulty.
When you sit back up Ronin's watching you through the glass, eyebrows raised and looking amused as- is that your phone? You open the car door, a smidge too abruptly judging by the way Ronin takes a quick step back and his eyebrows raise in surprise. Oops.
'You found my phone?' You make to grab for it but Ronin quickly reels it back, lifting it high above his head to where you can't reach even after you stand up.
'Here I was thinking you were excited to see me but I see how it is, you only want me for you phone.' Ronin doesn't sound upset at all, still playing keep away as his laughs quietly at your failing attempts to grab your phone out his hand.
'What? Ronin, c'mon, you know that's not true-' You reach for your phone again but somehow he lifts it even higher, a wicked grin flitting across his features as his eyes flare with excitement.
'So you're saying you do want me.'
'That's not- Ronin- give me my phone-' Your words are punctuated by the way you're jumping, trying to snatch your phone out of his hands but he just steps back slightly everytime, pulling it just out of your reach.
'Say please 'nd I might think about it,' Ronin sounds so smug it's insufferable.
'Ronin! Come on!' You make one last desperate grab for it and catch him around the wrist, managing to pull his arm down enough to reach your phone. You pull it out of his grip, turning to stick your tongue out at him and rub your victory in his stupid face but it turns out his stupid face is stupid close. Inappropriately close. Mere inches away and your victory dies in your throat at the proximity.
'Cat got your tongue?' Ronin's grinning in a way that makes you think he planned this and you can't think of a response. You want so badly to say something witty and cutting that'll put him in his place but unfortunately his little jab is right because your brain is conspicuously blank. The only thought running around in there is, 'holy shit he's handsome, are people allowed to be this handsome? Surely it's illegal for anyone to be this handsome, they should put him in handcuffs-'
Then you're busy thinking about Ronin in handcuffs, probably for something nefarious with the way he seems inclined to be mischeivious, arms restrained behind his back, burgundy hair falling in his face as he laughs- because he'd for sure find being being arrested funny and isn't that a pretty picture? A prettier picture would be one where you're the one arresting him, putting the cuffs around his wrists, chaining him to your bed- woah. Nope. No. Where did that come from?
'I'll take that as a yes,' Ronin snickers, pressing a finger to your forehead and pushing you back slightly as you realise that you've been silent and staring for too long to play off. Your face flushes with colour as you secure your fingers around your phone, letting go of his wrist and stepping back with a sheepish laugh of your own.
Luckily, Ronin leaves you to your embarrassment with another snicker and a, 'so what seems to be the problem with Avangeline this time?' as he walks over to your car.
'I don't know, she was running fine this morning,' you tell him.
'Nothing out of the usual? No stalling or strange noises?'
'No more than usual.'
'How often is usual?' Ronin catches your eye and you can tell from his look that your answer is the wrong answer but you say it anyway.
'Avangeline is a talker, she's always making some kind of noise. She probably stalls at least two or three times a day.'
Ronin snorts, 'yet you still proclaim she's not on her last legs.'
'She's not on any legs, she's a car.' Ronin rolls his eyes at your response but you see amusement flicker across his face at your remark. Something like pride curls up in your stomach and starts to make a home there at the expression.
'You leave the headlights on all night by accident?' Ronin asks you.
'No, I didn't leave the headlights on all night, I take good care of my baby-'
'You get the locks fixed yet?'
'Lock, it's only the driver side door.'
'Universally regarded as the least important door.'
'Guess I'm just lucky that Avangeline is vintage so people with less acquired taste don't want to steal her.'
'That's one way to put it. Does Avangeline turn on at all? Radio? Lights? Is she completely dead or is she just stuck?
'Stuck, lights and radio work, the engine just won't start.'
'Probably an engine problem then, pop the hood for me, darlin'?'
You slip back into your car and pull the latch that unlocks the hood. Ronin lets you know he'll be a minute and that you should 'entertain yourself' while he works, punctuating the sentence with a wink before heading over to the truck he must driven here to collect his tools.
You reach into Avangeline's dashboard cabinet and pull out the notebook you use for jotting down ideas on the go. You're feeling oddly inspired right now and want to get the gist of it down to write properly later when you get home.
*
'Alright darl', I know what your issue is.'
'Huh?' You startle, looking up from your little notebook of ideas- they're nothing serious, just some ideas for how to fix or maybe even finish your book. You're not really trying when you write in it so it's surprising that you got invested enough to lose time while Ronin worked. Previously you only had some loose connections written down that you made in your spare time, hoping you might strike gold and they'll allow you to connect the two halves you do have written at home, or maybe you'll think of something to give life to the decidedly flat ending.
Not that it matters, you've already decided that you're not going to do anything with it even if you do manage to finish it. It's a hobby, a hobby that you love but you're not stupid enough to think you're going to make it as a writer. The last few months of failing to write anything good have proven that. Plus, you already have a job and it's good, steady. You're not about to throw it all away on some pipe dream that won't happen, especially because what you already have is kind of crap.
It's fine that you'll never get to publish it. It's probably too dark for modern audiences anyway and it's already done you plenty of good by allowing you to work through some of the more complicated feeling your last relationship left you with considering the first few chapters are dedicated to outlining the grim life of your main character that's stuck in an abusive relationship with conceivable no way out. It really has helped you to vent your feelings of grief about the suffocating reality of being tied to someone that you loved who spent every waking minute focused on watching you suffer, so it's okay if that's all it'll ever be.
You do have to admit that the last however long you've spent writing down ideas while Ronin worked on your car has been fun though. More fun than you've had writing in a while. You've started outlining a character that you think would really add life to any story, not just yours; an enigmatic bad-boy type with something darker lurking under the surface. But you're not even sure he's going to go in this story, you're not sure he fits so you don't want to get your hopes up.
But then again maybe this character is what it needs, maybe adding him will give you a way to get your main character out and add some life to the ending. …Never mind if he's eerily similar to someone you met recently that you possibly think about more than you're willing to admit.
Ronin pulls you out of your musings and back to the present with an alarming sentence, telling you, 'someone put sugar in your tank, probably the same person that swapped your spark plugs.'
'They what?' You ask, not sure you heard him right. You step out of the car, not really sure where you're intending on going but it feels like maybe you'll hear him better if you're closer because there's no way he just said what you think he said.
'Yep. Poked around a bit and while Avangeline certainly has some problems, I couldn't see anything obvious that would stop the engine from starting so I decided to look other places. Opened the gas flap and there's sugar encrusted all around the opening. You're lucky whoever did this is either an idiot or only wanted to inconvenience you, not kill you.' Ronin walks around to the side of the car you're on, leaning against the hood and wiping his greasy hands on a rag.
'…What?' So you did hear him right. Your legs feel faint, like they're going to drop out from underneath you. You'd managed to pack your last meeting with Ronin into a little box and push it far back into the recesses of your mind so you didn't have to think about it, managed to ignore the implication that someone broke into your car to damage it but this is far too blatant to ignore. The idea that someone did this to you on purpose has rocked your entire world- you don't have any enemies, you barely have friends!
Well, maybe you have one enemy- but he is firmly out of your life now, has been for years. You were finally starting to relax! Had finally stopped looking over your shoulder at every turn! This isn't right, it isn't fair- which is exactly how your ex had made you feel for years. …It has to be him. He's found you. And he might be trying to kill you. Fuck.
'Sugar in the gas tank isn't the be-all end-all that rumour has it to be, sweetheart. It won't kill Avangeline, just clog up her fuel filter which is why your engine won't start. If Avangeline was less vintage you probably wouldn't have noticed so quickly. Whoever did this either didn't know that little factoid or they just wanted to put your car out of commission for a couple'a days. 'S not gonna total it, just run you a couple hundred dollars while I dump the tank and flush the fuel lines. If they'd wanted to kill you all they'd have to do is cut the breakline under the car, by the time you noticed that you'd likely be on the road already- not that they'd need to cut them considering your breakpads are thinner than your flimsy excuses to see me.'
You need to sit down. You need- you- has the ground always been this spinny?
'Woah-' Ronin catches you by the arm as you stumble and tip to the side, you spot the rag he was holding on the ground some feet away and your eyes fixate on it. You can barely hear him as he says, 'I was only jokin', darlin', you don't need to be throwing yourself into my arms again.'
Your heart sinks, 'someone put sugar in my car? On purpose?' comes out in the carest whisper. You clutch at Ronin's arm, clinging to him because you're unsure your legs will keep you upright if he lets go.
'Oh. My. God. Is this the boyfriend?!' You hear a shriek from somewhere behind you and your already sunk heart sinks even lower. No. Not right now. Please, God, not right now. Is that-? A quick peek behind you reveals that it is Jessica, walking out of the office and making a bee-line for you and Ronin.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Not now- not ever but especially not now when you're still grappling with the fact your abusive ex might have located you and is trying to fuck up your life and maybe even hurt you. You cannot deal with both of these things at once, the ground is still seeming both too close and weirdly far away as a cold chill creeps around the back of your neck. You can't deal with this right now.
What do you do? You have to prioritise. You have to think, you have to- you have to get rid of Jessica before Ronin keys on to what's happening and she reveals too much. You shove your feelings about your ex-boyfriend deep down in the locked trunk you keep them in and try to get your feet back underneath you and feeling steady. It only sort of works.
'It is, oh my god, you have to introduce us!'
You let go of Ronin's arm to try and get to Jessica before she comes over but you were right before and the second you let go you stumble, almost tripping onto your face before Ronin catches you yet again.
'You guys are so cute together!' In the seconds you wasted almost falling over Jessica has finished her trip across the parking lot and made to you both. Well fuck.
'Jessica!' You shout, far too loudly for how close she is. Maybe if you change the topic fast enough Ronin won't realise that she meant him with the boyfriend comment. Quickly, you spew out, 'my car broke down, Ronin's a mechanic, he's here to help.' You're toeing the line, speaking only in truths that both of them know but have completely different connotations in their minds for.
Hopefully Ronin will hear, 'he's a mechanic' as in, you phoned him to help with your car, and Jessica will hear, 'he's a mechanic' as in, this is my boyfriends occupation and she'll latch onto that and skip any preliminary talk and social niceties that involves the word boyfriend. It's a long shot but it's the only one you've got because you're trying not to let either of them know about the damn web of lies you've trapped yourself in.
Jessica ignores everything you said and barrels on, 'Yeah right. I literally just caught you canoodling in the parking lot on the night of your big date! I told you you'd like him! I'm such a good match maker! Can you believe you almost blew him off? Is he here to pick you up for your date?'
'I- uh- that's not- we're- um-' What can you say to that? Nothing. There's no move to make here that doesn't blow your cover and leave you as the weirdo that made up a boyfriend, because if you deny it then Jessica will obviously know, but if you play along then Ronin expose your lies by being fucking confused because he's not actually your boyfriend.
You try extricate yourself from Ronin's grasp, feeling incredibly awkward about this turn of events, but before you can get anywhere he wraps the arm you were holding onto around your waist and pulls you in so that your back is solidly braced against his chest. Then he wraps his other arm around you as well and rests his chin on your head, positively engulfing you in his embrace.
'You caught us, just a boyfriend here to pick up his partner for our big date tonight.' Oh shit. He knows. You're caught. How on Earth could you think Mr.-Your-Errant-'G'-Typo-From-the-Word-Lacking-is-a-Petname-for-Goreboy would let something like this slip past him?
Your face flushes in embarrassment as Jessica squeals in excitement and bounces in place, saying, 'I knew it! I just knew it! Everyone in the office is gonna be so jealous that I met the famous boyfriend and they didn't!'
Silently you pray to God that some cataclysmic event occurs in the next ten seconds and the ground will split beneath you and swallow you whole.
'I'm famous, huh? You been tellin' stories about me at work darlin'?' Ronin noses the skin under your jaw, the feeling prickling uncomfortably because he's basically a stranger but you can't pull away or it'll look weird.
'They can't shut up about you! They told us all about the date last friday and how you stayed over and went mini golfing the next day! You guys are so cute together, Dave is going to die when I tell him about this! Okay, okay, I won't keep you, I'm sure you're dying to go home and be all romantic with each other. I can't wait to here all about your date at lunch tomorrow! Toodles!' Jessica absolutely destroys any chance of you playing this off as a misunderstanding and then saunters off like she didn't just drop a bomb on your life- which to her she didn't, because you lied to her like an idiot and somehow expected it to not blow up in your face.
For the first time maybe ever you curse the fact that Avangeline is prone to breaking down- and then immediately feel bad because technically it isn't even her fault this time. It's the fault of your scumbag ex who's apparently back in your life and determined to ruin things for you all over again! This is suddenly the worst day ever.
As soon as Jessica's out of sight you try and peel yourself out of Ronin's grasp but he just curls tighter around you, placing his face back against your neck and nuzzling, while saying, 'boyfriend, huh? Knew you liked me, darlin' but I think you skipped a few steps there. What happened to askin' me out on a date? You always tell your coworkers that strangers are your boyfriend or am I just special? And what's this about us going mini golfing? How I remember it is you blew me off.'
'It's not what you think, Ronin I- get off me, you ass. Don't- stop nuzzling, I can't think-!'
'What? You don't like it? From what Jessica said it sounds like you told them we did a whole lot more~'
'Ronin!' You snap. He cackles, loud and delighted in your ear and lets you go with a flourish. You stumble out of his grip and turn around to face him and oh this is so much worse. You should have just let him keep on holding you, now you can see his smug expression as you try to desperately explain your actions. Ronin's grin is nearly splitting face, nostrils flared, eyes bright and open wide, curling into little half moons as he clearly holds back a laugh while looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to explain.
You look down at your feet, unable to hold eye contact with him. Your face is beet red, ears burning with embarrassment as you eek out, 'it's not- it's not what it sounds like.' You don't know why you're trying to convince him that it's not weird, trying to stop him from disliking you because of this for some reason but you can't help it as the words tumble out of your mouth and down your front like verbal vomit. Something deep within you needs him to know that you're not a freak that's obsessed with him, that there was a reason you did this- you just wanted your coworkers to leave your love life alone!
'No? What's it like then, darlin'?' Ronin's voice is dry but coloured with obvious amusement like he really can't believe the mess you've gotten yourself into- which makes sense because you honestly can't believe it yourself. Sure, lies blow up all the time but normally it's four months down the line! Not three days! You must have the worst luck in the world that this has happened to you so quickly. You really thought he'd be out of your life within a couple of weeks and then it would ever have been an issue. You could have just staged a fake breakup if your coworkers ever got suspicious. This was not how it was supposed to go.
'It's just-' you glance around you to make sure there are no more surprise coworkers lingering nearby to catch you saying this, no need to make an already terrible situation even worse by being caught talking shit -'my coworkers are insufferable, and they wouldn't stop trying to set me up with people even when I made it clear I wasn't interested! And then last week, when they were making their stupid jokes, Jessica didn't believe me when I said you just walked me home. She made some stupid comment about it and they all moved on so easily- that never happens!
'Then the next day Jessica tricked me into admitting that I'd seen you, I didn't even mean to tell her! She tricked me! But no one would believe it was just to fix my car and they kept making jokes about you "pumping my tires" so I told them I got your number to shut them up! Just to shut them up but then I kind of realised that they make way less jokes when I give them something to talk about when I'm not in the room so I told them we had a date scheduled and it uh- kind of spiralled from there. I'm not some weirdo stalker, I swear!'
'And yet you still phoned me when Avangeline broke down, almost like you wanted to get caught. Y'know if you wanted to go on a date so bad all you had'ta do was ask. No need to invent an elaborate web of lies and lure me out here just to get some face time. I'm not that hard a man to get a hold of.'
'It wasn't on purpose!' You blurt out, snapping your head up to look at him with a pleading look on your face.
Ronin's got this sharp look in his eyes, like he's a spider and you're prey that's just wondered into his web. You swallow reflexively, taking a stuttering step back at his expression as either nerves or arousal shoots swoops through your stomach. You're so worked up you can't tell which one it is.
Ronin takes a meandering step forwards, saying 'excuses, excuses. Sounds to me like somebody just wanted to see me but was too shy.'
You take another step back, insisting, 'no, it was Dave! I swear! He's a menace, he caught me screaming in my car and when I told him Avangeline broke down he basically made me call you otherwise he'd have known something was up!'
'Wow, that's quite the web of lies you've got yourself tangled up in darlin'.' Ronin chuckles, continuing to walk forwards slowly while tucking his hands in the pockets of his trousers. Shame pricks its way along your neck as you try stepping back again but your back collides with Avangeline and suddenly you're trapped between her and Ronin with no where to run.
'I know, I should have just sucked it up and let them make their jokes-' You can't even look at him as you say this. Shamefully, you finally figure out which emotion has settled in your gut and for some reason its arousal as Ronin crowds you back against the car. You hold your breath, trembling as you wait for him to say something, anything but the silence hangs heavy between you before, finally-
'Nah. I get it. S'not an issue. I don't mind being your pretend boyfriend if it gets them off your back.' Ronin cuts you off, sounding incredibly casual for someone that's only just learned a stranger is pretending to date them to alleviate some light emotional torture at work.
You deflate as relief floods your body, sagging back against Avangeline, thankful that she's there to keep you upright as your legs feel weak for the second time today. Somehow, by the grace of God, Ronin doesn't think you're a huge weirdo creep that shouldn't be allowed around people ever, even though if the positions were reversed you'd be more than a little freaked out.
'C'mon, let's get you home. I'll let the guys at the shop know Avangeline is here and in need of assistence and they'll send a tow truck. You can have her back in a few days.'
You're so relieved that this nightmare of a shitshow is somehow turning out okay even though the worst case scenario just happened that you don't even argue, just nod and follow him on wobbily legs to his truck.
*
The drive to your house is peaceful, music playing quietly in the background as Ronin hums softly along to it. You're about half way home when it strikes you that you never actually thanked Ronin for coming out and looking at Avangeline when you phoned his personal number instead of the mechanic's.
'Thanks, um, for driving me home. And for coming out when I called you out of the blue. And for not making a big deal about the whole um, fake boyfriend thing.'
'Hey, what are fake boyfriends for if it's not getting you out a jam with your asshole coworkers? And I'm a mechanic baby, fixing cars is kind of the whole job.'
'Yeah but you could have just left me there.'
'I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend if I just left you there.'
'Fake boyfriend.'
Ronin shoots you a lazy grin before focusing his eyes back on the road, 'that's not what your coworkers think. C'mon, baby, we gotta keep up the ruse. What if Jessica is lying in wait arond the corner? Or maybe I have her stashed in the trunk. Can't have her overhearin' 'nd catchin' us.'
You giggle at his stupid joke. He really likes to ham up the whole dangerous, bad boy angle, doesn't he? You feel oddly light now that everything's out in the open. You can't help but be happy that Ronin's not making you feel weird about this whole thing even though it really is a bizarre situation you've gotten yourself into.
It's comfortably silent for a moment before Ronin breaks it, 'so how long were you planning to keep this up for? Were we gonna get fake married and have a fake wedding and fake babies?'
'Uhh, I don't know, I didn't really think that far ahead.' You laugh a little, feeling far more comfortable talking about this than you thought you would because Ronin is joking about it like it's normal even though it's not. Suddenly a thought occurs to you, one that'd gotten lost in the drama of finding out your car was tampered with and then subsequently having your cover blown, 'where uh, where'd you find my phone by the way?'
'Swung by the nightclub on my way to your work and someone had turned it in,' Ronin says casually, like it's no big deal as he makes a right turn into traffic.
'You didn't have to do that,' you say, oddly touched by the gesture. Even you, the person who's lost phone it is, haven't been that diligent about finding it. You just left your number with the staff and told them to call you if anything turned up.
'Nonsense, 'course I did. I am your boyfriend after all.'
'I'm never going to live this down, am I?'
'Nope. We're here by the way.' You look up, surprised to find that Ronin's telling the truth and his truck is idling outside your flat.
'Oh! Right. Thanks for driving me home. And for all the other stuff too.'
Ronin turns off the engine, 'I'll walk you in.'
'You don't have to-'
'Nah. Gotta make sure you get in safe 'nd sound. You almost cunted it like three seperate times in the parking lot earlier, not sure your legs are up to the arduous task of getting you to your front door.'
You open the car door, 'my legs are fine- woah!' You slip getting out the car and have to catch yourself on the door.
You hear Ronin snicker from behind you, 'you sure about that, darlin'?'
'I'm fine! I totally meant to do that, that was just uh- my way of getting out the car,' you fib.
'Sure it was, darlin'.' Ronin laughs and you hear the car door shut as he gets out. He walks around the car in the time you spend righting yourself, and offers an arm out to you with a cocky grin and hooded eyes. From this angle it's like he's looking down on you. You pause briefly, wondering if you need to get your head checked because your stomach flutters with butterflies at the expression on his face.
You slap his arm down with a, 'I can walk just fine by myself, thank you.'
'News to me.'
You roll your eyes at him and walk up the path to your flat, pulling out your keys as you go. You can hear him walking slowly behind you so you make a point to straighten your shoulders and walk with your head held high. You're fine. So of course when you get to the door you fumble and drop the keys. Then, when you manage to pick them back up after scrambling your fingers in the dirt for a couple of seconds, you keep missing the keyhole while trying to unlock your door with how hard your hands are shaking.
When the key slips and skids past the keyhole for the fifth time you hear Ronin sigh fondly from behind you before arms are reaching around your shoulders, what can only be Ronin's chest bumping against your back and boxing you in, as hands larger than your own peel your fingers away from their tight grip on the cold metal of your keys. He inserts the key into the lock first try and unlocks your door, pushing it open and stepping back to let you in.
You step inside, feeling oddly at a loss without his body heat warming your back before you pause with the door open and look back at Ronin, making a split second decision, 'hey, do you um- do you wanna come in for a coffee or something? I uh- I think I'm more shaken up than I thought by the whole sugar-in-Avangeline's-tank, someone-is-deliberately-tampering-with-my-car-and-maybe-trying-to-kill-me ordeal than I thought. I don't really wanna be alone right now.'
'Sure. I could go for a coffee.' Ronin steps past you into your flat, 'this way you'll have something real to tell your coworkers about tomorrow. You gonna cook me dinner too? Light some candles? Maybe I can stay over and we can go mini golfing tomorrow.' You know he's teasing you but the offer is ridiculously tempting all the same. Except for the mini golfing bit, you'd rather die.
'Keys go here,' you tap little bowl you keep your keys in that rests on a table by the door as you realise he's still holding them.
Ronin drops the keys into the bowl with a flourish then steps back with his hands tucked in the pocket of his jeans. As he's standing there looking at you, waiting for you to show him around your flat, your heart stutters a little in your chest, kicking a little one-two flutter as you realise that Ronin, a very attractive stranger is standing in your hallway right now.
You stare at him awkwardly, the silence stretching on for a second too long before he breaks it, 'don't tell me you're gettin' cold feet now, darlin'. How're we gonna convince anyone we're dating if you keep lookin' at me like a lamb for slaughter anytime we're alone?'
His dry, sardonic wit kickstarts your brain back into gear as you toe off your shoes, saying, 'I think those two things kinda cancel each other out, no? Being alone and convincing other people? Kinda need the other people to be around to convince and then that makes us not alone. Bit of a moot point, don't you think?'
Ronin snorts, kicking the front edge of his boot gently against your socked feet as he says, 'touche. Now you gonna show me around or what?'
XXXXXXXXX
yall that was a DOOZY. my fav chapter to write so far im ngl it was so FUN i cannot wait to write the next lol. also can you believe this ONE chapter is 12k words?? thats like the full length of the first ronin fic I published on here! which was (for a brief time) the longest thing i'd ever written at time of publishing! oh how the turn tables…
lmk of any egregious typos and remember i update ao3 first bc i gotta do formatting to post for tumblr and im lazzyyyyyyyy, so subscribe on ao3 if you want the fastest updates :)
.... i spelt fucking sacrilege wrong and only found out bc tumblr told me fmmlllllllll this has been on ao3 for like a couple weeks now and YOURE TELLING ME I CANT SPELL FUCKING SACRILEGE??? also why is it spelt like that???? that feels wrong!! sacrelige is what i had! boooo! boo english you SUCKKK !!! fart face. <- directed at english not at u reader. sorry u had to see that but it was necessary. they (english) needed to learn.
you capture ronin so well! probably the most accurate ive ever read pls dont ever stop writing him omg
Ahhhhh thank you !! That's rly nice to hear I always love knowing that ppl think my writing isn't ooc, I spend a LOT of time trying to focus on how the character speaks/their psychology so their actions feel grounded so it's cool to think ppl think I've done well lol
I'm ngl tho I've definitely read a few things by other writers that I've been very jealous of how they captured ronin n felt a little inadequate ahahah but it's normally in the lines of they know a BUTTLOAD more about American Christianity than I do (bc I'm not American and I'm unwilling to learn even an iota about it bc its Gonna Upset Me) and they can do his creepy weird poetic sardonic Christianity references REALLY well and I'm always SO SO jelly bc that's what my ronin is missing imo?
Like he's 90% accurate to how I view the character in my head but (esp when going off the killer chat ver and not the GG version of him) he is missing a lot of very Specific biblical references that would come from growing up in an uber religious town that abuses it into you bc I just don't have that knowledge! I do my best w having been raised non denominational (protestant) Christian but honestly I'm relying mainly on puns and quick firefox searches for the definition of words that I know that I'm like 60% sure are religious/Christian in origin ahahaha
(To be clear I'm not upset about this or anything like I'm v happy w the portrayal I've set out of ronin and I have fun writing him this way, and iibrh the process of learning all the things I'd have to learn to do biblical refs better seems like a lot of work that I wouldn't enjoy n I'm working very hard on not doing things I dislike bc I have a tendancy to value others over myself that I'm unlearning rn. I'm just trying to give a fairly neutral account of how I view my ver of ronin vs writers that I admire lol, plus I'm a yapper, I love 2 talk lol)
Hiii!!! This is LuzTropical from ao3! (the one that kept chatting with you about blondies on the comments heheh) You give me "person I'd be good friends with" vibes hehe 🥰
Found your tumblr after finishing last chapter of MFBIASK and BY GOD if this fic was actual food I would be cured of my eating disorder and would have to deal with a not being able to stop eating problem instead, bless you 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Ommggg hiiii!!! So nice to see you again!!
Really funny (in a good way) to see my work abbreviated like it's a piece of media so popular it's got discourse going on about it hahah
Askfjkddj bro I fucking WISH I would be cured of MY eating disorder (arfid) if I could eat fucking fiction life would be SO easy!!!
But thank you for the compliment hehe ! Giggling and twirling my hair rn frrrr
(Also we r friends now BTW I followed u on my main (@gdragonsideburns)
I have seen SO many penises today yall the r/phallo sub Reddit is excellent for seeing ftm post op pics. Honestly surgeons and tattoo artists are miracle workers it’s WILD how realistic they all look
Not tiktok of all things coming in clutch w the uks STUPID Internet restrictions n my vpn not working bc reddit wanted me to open the app bc the ftm subreddit posts i wanted to look at were AGE RESTRICTED even though all I wanted to know is how long the fucking pump takes to inflate
I'm finally getting around to writing one of my requests from the start of the year tho!
I have seen SO many penises today yall the r/phallo sub Reddit is excellent for seeing ftm post op pics. Honestly surgeons and tattoo artists are miracle workers it’s WILD how realistic they all look
My Fake Boyfriend is a Serial Killer. Ronin Beaufort/GN Reader (2/?)
All language concerning the reader will be gender neutral except for any chapters containing smut, which will be seperated into two versions with they/them vs he/him pronouns for a GN reader and a trans masc one :) Any NSFW will be AFAB reader, jsyk.
AO3 Link! - My Fake Boyfriend is a Serial Killer.
Looking for chapter 1?
Looking for chapter 3?
EVENTUAL NSFW, MINORS PLEASE DO NOT REBLOG OR COMMENT ON NSFW CHAPTERS. I WILL BLOCK YOU.
Summary:
You didn't mean to tell your coworkers that the man you met at the club was your boyfriend, it just sort of... happened. You only wanted them to stop asking about your love life! It's not your fault it just sort of... slipped out. It's not that big of a deal though, it's not like he's ever gonna find out, right? Besides, you've got much more pressing things to worry about, like the fact that a certain serial killer seems to have set his eyes on you and is ...toying with you?
6'530 words!
CW for eventual stalking/canon typical Ronin serial killer behaviour directed at the reader. Also at him being duplicitous about it. Also mentions of past abusive relationships for reader.
XXXXXXXXXX
Getting up for work the next day isn't nearly as difficult as it should be. Despite all natural sense and the fact that you only got in around three in the morning, you wake up alert and ready to face the day a full ten minutes before your alarm is supposed to go off. Maybe you should go out more often if it leads you to waking up so easily, or maybe you're in such a good mood because of someone- no, you're not even going to entertain the thought. With a shake of your head you clear your mind and set about preparing yourself for your workday.
It's just a fluke of the mood, definitely nothing to do with the very attractive man that walked you all the way home then left you wanting on your doorstep- not wanting, just waiting. Waiting for him to leave because you did not want him to kiss you- despite his teasing remarks suggesting otherwise. No wanting in sight, not in sight nor tucked secret and sharp under your ribcage, aching with each bleeding pulse of your heart. None at all.
Work is the same as usual: the commute is short but boring, your car a stutteringly old piece of crap that you pray starts every morning and pat goodbye on the hood every night, and the office building is the same slate grey that reminds you uncannily of a tombstone every time you see it. Nothing unusual or unordinary about it.
…Okay so there was one thing that was different, your car was unlocked before you opened it but that's not even that weird! Avangeline happens to be old enough that a mechanical lock is all she has, none of that automatic bullshit that is completely overrated; you don't secretly wish she had an automatic lock every time your key sticks and refuses to turn without you doing a very specific jiggle that feels more ritualistic than not.
You're not worried about it. Things break in Avangeline all the time and they're usually inconsequential. You're so used to things failing out or just plain not starting with this car that you figure it makes sense- the locks just happen to be the next thing to go.
The mood in the office is rather subdued when you get there, but it makes sense considering several of your coworkers must be incredibly hungover from how drunk they were last night. This suits you perfectly well, you're happy to have a peaceful day while they all stew in their own fear and regret for last night- maybe they'll even have something else to gossip about now!
With your newfound good mood and the peace and quiet that settled over the office the morning passes quickly as you start to muddle through the work leftover from yesterday. First you respond to the emails piling up in your inbox since you left last night, then you finally start working on the report that you've been putting off which you really can't put off anymore because it's due on Monday and it's Thursday already, then lunch time rolls around so you head to the kitchen to take a break.
You're preoccupied humming to yourself as you get your lunch out of the fridge when Samson enters the room. You wave 'hi' to him as he sets about making himself a coffee and Dave enters the room a minute behind him. You're in such a good mood that you don't even register the conveniently staggered entrace or the fact that you're standing in the same room as two of the office's biggest gossips until Dave leans on the counter with an oh-so-casual, 'so…'
It's only then that you turn around, your fork frozen halfway to your mouth as you realise that this is an inquisition, because while they both have drinks in hand neither of them are moving to get their lunch or head back out. Normally people take their drinks to their desks unless they're actually in the kitchen for a chat and both Samson and Dave are not moving while looking at you expectantly.
You reply, 'so?' before continuing to shovel food into your mouth as fast as you can to escape from this conversation before your good mood is ruined by whatever they're going to say next. If only you could eat at your desk but that was banned after an incident involving Samson, his keyboard, a very dramatic fall, and lots and lots of sticky mango rice.
'So, what happened to "not interested"?' Samson cuts in.
'Not interested in what?' You get out around a full mouth. Ignoring them won't work, not only will you get pulled up for 'not being a team player' again in your next review, you'll just make them think you have something to hide which will only make them more enthusiastic. Better to play dumb and hope you can eat fast enough to leave before they manage to get fully invested.
'Not interested in the hot boytoy we picked out for you! You totally blew us off! We all thought you weren't interested, like you told us, but then he comes over to our table looking for your phone! And Jessica says she saw you leaving together. So… what happened?' Dave is so eager for your answer that he's got both palms and half his torso pressed to the counter while he looks at you expectantly, curious excitement written all over his face.
'Nothing happened, I lost my phone and there weren't any taxis out so he walked me home. That's all,' you say, hoping to shut it down before Dave can finish what he's implying.
Samson snorts, 'all it was, yeah right.'
'Boo! That's boring-' Dave starts but he's interrupted by Jessica walking in.
'What's boring?' Jessica looks between you all hopefully and you have to internally surpress a sigh. Your good mood has been seeping out of you at a rapid pace ever since you got cornered but the last vestiges of it drain entirely as the third biggest gossip in the office enters the room.
'My love life- or lack thereof,' you say loudly, trying desperately to undercut whatever exaggerated version of events Dave and Samson will manage to concoct.
'Oh! With the spooky emo boy we picked out! Did you like him? I told Olivia you would! She wanted to introduce you to this total Chad but I convinced her that you wouldn't be interested in someone so normal with how spiky you are.' If that sentence came out of anyone else's mouth you'd be a little offended but for all your issues with Jessica's …bubbly nature you know she doesn't mean anything bad by it. And, if you're being real, you are a little spiky.
'He was… nice,' you offer before turning to wash your tupperware in the sink, as you turn on the tap you add, 'when he wasn't being an asshole.'
'Coming from you?' Samson practically laughs the words out and you roll your eyes at him.
'Yes. Coming from me,' you say pointedly.
'See! He's perfect for you! A match made in Heaven if I say so myself,' Jessica sounds proud as she says this.
'A match made in Hell more like,' Samson snorts.
'Whatever, it's not like I'm ever gonna see him again,' you say while drying your tupperware.
'What? Nooo, c'mon, we went through so much effort to set you up!' Dave complains, flopping down and laying himself flat out over the counter to emphasise his protestations.
You chuckle at his antics- out of all your coworkers Dave is the one you like most; Jessica might be harmless but Dave pulls off the exact same behaviour in a way that elicits fondness from you rather than resignation to your fate. He's pretty cute, in a kicked puppy sort of way.
'I don't know what to tell you, I'm just not interested. He walked me home and that's all,' you say with a pointed note of finality in your voice.
'So you didn't kiss him? Or invite him in? For a coffee?' By the way Samson wiggles his eyebrows at you over his coffee cup it's clear that when he says coffee he doesn't mean coffee.
'Nope,' You say lightly, like it's not a big deal, pushing back the memory of lingering in your front hall last night after Ronin had left, wondering why you felt swooping disappointment in your chest when he'd been leaning over you to peek in the window of your door rather than kiss you like you'd thought, with him citing curiosity rather than any romantic intent when you pushed him away from you as your heart thundered against your ribcage at how close he was.
He'd drawled, 'what? Did you think I was gonna kiss you? Thought you weren't interested, sweetheart,' as you'd stuttered out a protest of denial and and mumbled something about just not expecting him to be so close to you, that he needs to learn the concept of personal space, that you were just surprised is all. Certainly not hopeful and then definitely not disappointed because you don't. need. this. Don't want it. You've sworn off all romance and one incident with a sexy, tall, handsome stranger is not going to change that.
'Not even a kiss? Come on! You're killing me here! Please tell me you at least got his number; I need some romance in my life,' Dave complains from where he's still slumped over the counter.
'Nope. Lost my phone remember? I'm gonna swing by the nightclub after work and see if anyone's turned it in. I'm just lucky I had an old one stuffed in a drawer somewhere so it's not too urgent if it hasn't turned up yet.'
'Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know you're lying. I can see it on your face! You like him and you've definitely got a date lined up somewhere in the future that we don't know about. I see you, I know your game. You can protest all you want but we all know you're just trying to save face.' Jessica says bulldozes over whatever you might have said next with a speech that makes Dave and Samson nod in agreement.
You sigh internally, picking up your tupperware and preparing to make a quick exit before the next round of questioning starts up but then something unexpected happens. Instead of hounding you with questions and quips, trying to brainstorm ideas to 'get you out there', or making bets on your type like they normally do until you manage to escape, Dave says, 'did you guys see Emma and Olivia last night?'
Jessica's face lights up as she bursts into laughter and says, 'it was indecent! They were practically you-know-what-ing right next to us!' She cackles, slapping her hand down on the table and you're confused. Normally after you make your protestations they circle around ways to get you "back in the game" until you're sick of it.
Tentatively, you put your tupperware down and say, 'they were really going at it, it was quite the display.'
Samson snorts, 'that's one way to put it. I'm surprised you saw with how busy you were dancing.'
'Like I could have missed it, they might as well have been on the big screen,' you say.
'They've been making eyes at each other across the office all morning,' Jessica lowers her voice like she's telling a huge secret.
'They arrived at the same time today, do you think they…?' Dave trails off suggestively, biting his lip and making a gesture not appropriate for the office.
You break into peals of laughter, feeling lighter than you have in weeks because for some reason they've moved on and they aren't focused on the glaring lack in your love life. If every lunchtime was like this you might actually enjoy it.
*
Your good mood lasts the rest of the day, even after the staff at the nightclub inform you that no phones have been turned in to the lost and found. You're not even bothered on Friday when your car makes a funny noise when you start it up, though you're pretty used to it by now- Avangeline is always making weird noises, so you follow your long estabilished protocol of crossing your fingers and praying to any god decent enough to listen that it's just a noise and you won't need to get it checked out.
You make decent enough money with your steady, reliable, boring-as-fuck nine to five office job but your student loans eat up a not insignificant portion of your paycheck and then on top of that rent is expensive, so a trip to the mechanics is not really in the cards- or if it is it'll at least definitely mean taking a chunk out of your rainy day funds to finance it.
It's only as you start your drive home that day that your mood takes a turn for the worse when you start up Avangeline and she continues to make the noise from this morning but louder and more insistent. It's as you're driving home that it starts to dawn on you that maybe this noise isn't just a noise considering how sluggishly your car is accelerating.
Then, as the car rumbles roughly at a traffic light you start thinking about how you've never actually heard Avangeline make this noise before; it's not a creaking or a groaning that's worrying but ultimately ignorable, or the underlying screech of too-old break-pads that you keep meaning to replace but don't, it's this strange rattle that only gets worse the longer you drive.
It'll go away. It'll go away. It will go away, you repeat to yourself like keeping a mantra in your mind will somehow edit reality but as the 'check engine' light- which has not worked in at least a year and you've been in plenty of situations where your engine probably needed checked- slowly flickers to life and stares you down in all its neon red glory you realise that you might need to go to a mechanic.
With a sigh, a curse, and a muttered prayer to anyone that might be listening that this is only a small issue and not something that will cost you a gajillion dollars or keep your car in the shop for multiple days, you pull over to the side of the road to plug in the address of the nearest mechanics into the GPS on your phone before driving to it. Thank fuck you found your old phone or you'd have to go home and call a tow truck from the landline.
You're annoyed at this turn of events but you know it's better to get it checked out and have it confirmed as nothing other than an errant symptom of a car that should long be dead, than to leave it and have your car blow up on you or suddenly stop running when you need it. This is the right choice, the only choice, you repeat to yourself, switching up your mantra to try and keep your anxiety about this at a reasonable level. It's only a short drive to the closest mechanics but your worry steadily rackets upwards as you drive and the noise does not stop.
You pull into the parking lot of 'Murray's Auto Services' and head into the reception with your best 'I know enough about cars that you can't overcharge me' face on even though that is a bald faced lie. This turns out to be pointless as there's no one at the reception desk. You glance around for a moment before noticing the bell on the desk in front of you just waiting to be dinged, so you ding it.
You take a second to take in your surroundings, observing the bare brick walls covered in black and white photographs of what you assume are expensive cars that have been serviced here as you wait for someone to come out. You're busy wondering what kind of person works here, caught up in imagining perhaps a middle aged man, or a stern looking, no-nonsense woman and debating which one would make you more nervous when your musings are interrupted.
You're just taking a step closer to the photos on the wall, trying to see if you can figure out which one 'Murray' is when you hear a drawled, 'missed me that much, dollface? You must like me a Hell of a lot. Knew I made quite the impression but you could have just asked for my number, you didn't need to come find me at my work,' which is the last voice you expected to hear so is it really your fault when you maybe jump and scream just a little bit at the interruption?
Spinning around on the spot you see Ronin, the man you met at the club, leaning up against the wall. He's dressed far more casually than when you last saw him, no make up, kitted out in an unzipped black boiler suit that's shucked half off with its arms tied around his waist and a plain black t-shirt underneath.
Up until this moment you would have sworn on your life that you weren't the kind to fall for the sexy mechanic stereotype found in media but as all saliva suddenly dissapates from your mouth at the mere sight of him you're forced to admit he looks far more appetising than anyone should while wiping their hands on an oily rag. …Fuck.
It seems Ronin knows it too, if the smug way he's watching you hesitate is any indication. You have to swallow several times to unstick your tongue from the roof of your mouth before you manage to speak to him and then because you're staring determinedly at only his face so that you aren't tempted to check him out more obviously than you already have, you notice as his gaze dips for a split second to track the motion of your bobbing throat with his eyes.
'I'm not stalking you. I didn't even know you worked here. My car's making a weird noise, I need it looked at.' You spit dryly, words coming across harsh and bitter as an overcompensation to hide how you're really feeling. You wince internally at how harsh your tone is but it's necessary- more for you than for him; you can't risk letting your stupid, idiot heart back in the driver's seat now that you know how bad it is at driving. You're not doing that again. No way. Better to scare Ronin off so you don't get the chance to be stupid in the first place and if that requires being a little mean then so be it.
You've sworn off love- you don't need it- and this isn't love! Obviously, it's… some light lust and maybe a little affection starved infatuation but that's it. Nothing you can't handle and handling it you are. You cross your arms over your chest and frown at him, better to get a head start and go on the offensive before he worms his way under your skin and makes a fool out of you by demolishing your assertations that you're not interested.
'I never said anything about stalking, darlin', who said anything about stalking? What fucked up shit is going on in that pretty little head of your's that's got you jumping to such morbid conclusions?' Ronin continues to grin at you, head tilted back where he's leaning against the wall, gazing down his nose at you with delight tucked in the corners of his smile like this is all a fantastic game to him.
'I- you- can you fix my car or not?' You splutter. Where does he get off thinking there's something wrong with you?! He clearly implied you were stalking him with the "find me at my work comment" like this wasn't all just some big coincidence. How else would you supposedly have "found him" without a little stalking? And now he's acting like you're the weird one for bringing it up?
'Can I, will I, should I? All such important questions, all meaningless without salient exhortation of an appropriate politeness-'
You can feel the remenants of your good mood rapidly disappating the longer he goes on. You cannot believe you found this asshole charming the other night. You must have somehow been delirious on sleep deprivation and the three singular drinks you had. He's not charming; he's evil. …No, wait- this is good, you remind yourself. It's all going to plan- you wanted him to be less appealing and now he is. This is good. Somehow that thought doesn't make you feel better like it should.
Sighing out your irritation you ask, 'can you stop speaking in fucking riddles please? This is turning out to be a long enough day without them.'
Ronin lets slip a sharp giggle, the noise clipped, mean, and tinged with a slight edge of hysteria as he says, 'nothing comes for free darlin', you gotta say please. If I don't get at least that you're gonna bruise my ego.' You doubt he gives two shits about manners, he's just happy to have found a new way to needle you when you're already on edge.
Either way though, you do need your car fixed, or at least looked at and Ronin seems to be the mechanic on duty seeing as no one else has come out. And you are not getting back in Avangeline to go some place else when she's making a noise you don't recognise- it was nerve wracking enough driving here with the foreign and unidentifiable sound leaking out from your engine.
Ronin could deny you service, you don't doubt that he would if he was feeling like being a dick simply for the sake of it- which, currently you don't think he is, but he might be. It's not like you know him well enough to tell, so you suck it up, roll your eyes and say, 'please, Ronin, can you fix my car?'
Ronin's grin takes a sharp edge as he says, 'now try, "please, Ronin, you're the only one that can help me, I know nothing about cars and need a big, strong, hunk of a man to fix it for me"'.
It's clear he's making fun of you for giving in so easily- that's what you get for being polite, you guess. You roll your eyes again and say, 'alright, dick. I'm parked outside, should I drive round or-?' You trail off uncertainly.
'What makes you think I was jokin', sweetheart?' Ronin replies. You snort a laugh but Ronin doesn't show any indication that he was joking, then or now, he just fixes you with an expectant stare and raises his eyebrows.
With that the atmosphere in the room tilts. You don't know if it's because you're already on edge what with all the broken car noises but what you'd been perceiving as an annoying attempt to be charming is suddenly coming off as almost sinister. The atmosphere of the room suddenly sits heavy on your shoulders and makes you feel uneven on your feet. …Ronin isn't being serious, is he?
'What?' You ask, forcing out an awkward laugh to cover up how uncomfortable you're feeling about this whole thing.
'You know what, I'm feeling kind today; call me your saviour because I'm going first so you don't get confused. Repeat after me: please, Ronin-'
'I- um-' You stutter, stumbling over your words because you don't know what to say. You feel incredibly awkward, uncomfortable because he cannot be serious but it seems he is. You don't know what to do, what to say, and it's not like you can leave because you're here to get your car fixed. Before you manage to get another breath out or even decide what choice words to colour it with, Ronin cuts through it with a voice so dry you feel silly for thinking that he was serious for even a second.
'Nah, 'm jus' fuckin' with ya' darlin', ha!' Ronin laughs loud and sharp, the sound ringing empty in the room. 'Where's this faulty motor of your's then? Y' said you're parked out front?'
The tension in the air dissapates as quickly as it arrived and you're so relieved that it doesn't feel like that anymore that you let it slide without as much as a blink, 'I- uh- yeah- I'm- yeah… I'm parked out front,' You laugh awkwardly, trailing off uncomfortably when you don't know what else to say.
'Let me get my toolbox and I'll be right out, d'you know where the noise is coming from?' Ronin calls out before disappearing around the corner for a moment.
'Uhh, the front? I don't- I don't know much about cars, or, um, anything really,' you admit with a certain adhered bashfulness to your words, feeling both like you should pretend you do know and like you need to come clean before he finds you out to save you the embarrassment.
'What are the chances? It just so happens that I do know about cars, isn't that lucky?' Ronin drawls sarcastically as he re-enters the room, red toolbox in hand. You roll your eyes at him and turn to start walking out the shop to where you parked.
'So how long's it been making the noise for?' Ronin asks you.
'Literally right before I came here, I didn't recognise the noise so I thought I'd get it checked out.'
'Your car make a lot of strange noises?' Ronin sounds amused by your reply.
'It makes a normal amount of strange noises.'
'Why do I get the feeling that your bar for the normal amount of strange noises is much higher than anyone else's?'
'Why do I get the feeling that your bar for a normal amount of sarcasm is much higher than anyone else's?' You quip back.
Ronin cuts you a grin before stopping dead in his tracks, 'is that your car?'
'Yep!' You brandish your hands proudly at the beat up piece of wonder sitting politely at the curb where you left it.
'Wow. Your car's a piece of shit, darlin'. I'm surprised it even got you here, not sure that it still qualifies as a car.'
'What? Avangeline is not a piece of shit! She's my baby!'
'Avangeline?' Ronin can't keep the snicker out of his voice as he says, 'like from Disney movie with the talking frogs?'
'The Princess and the Frog, yes. Avangeline and Ray's love was the real stuff- and you can't make fun of me when you recognised the movie from her name. Pot-kettle.' You gesture from yourself to him pointedly with a smug expression on your face.
'Touche,' Ronin raises his hands, showing you his palms in mock deference as he struts around the front of your car, 'pop the hood for me, darlin'?'
'You roll your eyes at his antics, opening Avangeline's door and climbing in driver side so you can reach under the dash and pull the lever that unlocks the hood of your car. You watch as Ronin reaches into the gap now available and unlatches it to open the hood fully. Only bad thing about this position is that you can no longer see him through the glass- not that you need to- he's- fine, it's fine. Good fine- not fine fine. And more importantly you're fine. It doesn't matter at all that you can't look at him now. It makes absolutely no difference to your day. This is a normal business interaction and you are a paying customer, that's why you're here and that's the only reason.
You lean out of the open car door to ask him with cheek in your voice, '…so, you like Princess and the Frog?'
'Nah. Saw it with an ex forever ago. Liked the crocodile, digged the spooky stuff, wasn't crazy about the rest of it though,' Ronin chucks out from behind the hood, busy tinkering away.
'Really? I love that movie.'
'Wouldn't have taken you for such a hopeless romantic, darlin'. You'd take a knife to the heart for your lover?' You can hear the sarcasm dripping from the words without so much as seeing his face.
'I don't remember that being part of the movie so no. And it's not the romance that I like, Tatiana is a self-made woman, she's independant and wants to be in charge of her own future. I respect that.'
'You'd turn into a frog for one though,' Ronin snorts, then, almost bemusedly, 'would you take a knife to a heart for one?'
'What kind of question is that?' You laugh, when he doesn't respond you add, bemusedly, 'maybe? Like if the situation was dire enough and I had no other option? Like if it was some masked murderer or my partner then I'd kill the murderer, obviously.'
'What if they were the same person?' Ronin asks and it's your turn to laugh because seriously? What kind of question is that? Who in their right mind would fall for a murderer? No one. That's who. The questions ridiculous and you let him know as such.
'Again, what kind of question is that? Who asks someone that? No, because I wouldn't fall in love with a killer in the first place.'
'What? You don't like twenty questions?' Ronin peeks around the side of the hood and his eyes are glittering with glee, 'go on, 's your turn now. Ask me one.'
'Hmm… What kind of movies do you like then?'
Ronin hums thoughtfully, 'anything brutal. Slashers. Horror. Stuff with blood and guts and gore and fear. Freddy Kreuger and the like.'
'Wow, I'd never have guessed,' you say, voice full of fake surprise and dripping with sarcasm.
'Spare me the dramatics, darlin'.' That's rich coming from him.
'Yeah, yeah, like you don't love it,' you say in response and you hear him laugh sharply.
It's silent except for the sounds of Ronin humming a tune you don't recognise before abruptly he stops, shutting the hood of the car with a clang and saying, 'fixed it~,' with an obvious gloat to his voice. You jump at the sound and watch as Ronin's smile gets slightly sharper in response. Dick.
'You fixed it? Already? Seriously?' You ask incredulously, convinced it can't be that easy.
'That's what I said, isn't it?'
'What was wrong with it?' You ask, curious as to what made Avangeline fail out this time.
'S nothin' much. Spark plugs were installed wrong, all switched up 'nd shit. You should complain, whoever serviced your car last did a bad job if they installed the spark plugs wrong. Where was the last place you got them changed?'
'…Uhhh, I'm not sure? It was long ago enough that I don't really remember?'
'So you didn't get your car serviced recently?' Ronin walks around and leans against the open car door, wiping the grease on his hands off onto the rag he had tucked in his pocket.
'Nope. Avangeline's been an angel since her last check up which was…' You do some quick maths in your head and come up with a number that is far too large so you fub the numbers a little- or a lot and say, 'about a year ago maybe? Why, is there something wrong with it? I change the oil myself- it's like the only thing I know how to do.'
'Dunno if I'd call her an angel but somebody's been a little devillish with her for sure.' Great, more cryptic riddles.
'Meaning?' You probe.
'Your spark plugs didn't just jump into the wrong place by themselves, somebody put them there. You got any enemies?' Ronin says it lightly, like a joke but your heart sinks a little as you remember the Avangeline's doors no longer lock- did someone do this on purpose?
'Not that I know of? Certainly not enough that someone would fuck with my car about it.'
'You the only person with keys?'
'No… but my car was unlocked when I got in it yesterday and I've not gotten the locks fixed yet…'
'And that didn't set off any red flags for you?' Ronin sounds bemused by your lack of worry.
'…Avangeline is an angel but she is also maybe an angel who is falling apart a little bit so I really didn't think much of it,' you tacitly admit, 'it's not like I have so many enemies I immediately assume malicious intent the second my day goes wrong! I just thought she was crapping out on me, again.'
'Avangeline is a piece of shit, you mean.'
'Avangeline is an angel… who is also maybe a piece of shit. Don't tell her I said that though.'
'Don't tell her?' Ronin fake gasps, stroking a hand over the door, 'baby, she's right here, she's been here the whole time. She already heard you.' His tone turns final at the end but there's still enough levity in it for you to tell it's a joke. You think that maybe you're beginning to get Ronin's weird, ominous sense of humour. You have to give it to him- he's really commited to the edgelord bit.
'Nooo, baby don't listen to the mean man,' you smooth your hands over the dash in a loving caress like you can placate Avangeline's hurt emotions with your actions, 'I didn't mean it, he made me say it.' The joking tone the conversation has suddenly dipped into makes you feel much better about the worry that someone did this to you currently eating at your heart.
'I didn't make you say anything, if I made you say it, it'd've been much worse.'
'I can imagine,' you say dryly.
'If I'd have made you, you'd have said something about how she's so old she could be used as fuel for other cars.'
That startles a laugh out of you. Normally you'd be a little upset at someone ragging so consistently on your car, but right now Ronin joking about her is taking your mind off the fact that someone might have fucked with your car on purpose and it's making you feel better rather than worse.
Sure, Avangeline's a little beat up, and maybe she has more mileage than is acceptable even for a resale, and maybe her left wing mirror fell off that one time and is now held on with a lot of duct tape and hope but she's been with you since college! She's seen you through a lot. A lot a lot.
Avangeline was the one that helped you leave when you finally woke up and saw how badly your ex was treating you and she's never judged you once, not even when you were sleeping in her because you had no money aftr you left because you'd spent it all on rent and utilities for your ex's apartment when your name wasn't even on the lease. Which is why you don't listen to your heart anymore because your heart has proven itself stupid. But Avangeline never judged you or your stupid heart once.
You can't say the same for everyone else- that was part of the reason it took you so long to realise it was abuse, the fact that the people around you seemed to think it was fine. Your so called "friends" treated you like a villian for "breaking up the group" even though it was your ex who was treating you like shit. They'd probably have been okay with anything if it meant maintaining the status-quo. They were not nice people. It took you longer than you're comfortable admitting to see that.
'So…' You lead pointedly when your laughter peters out.
'So?' Ronin raises an eyebrow at you as if to say, 'what?'
'What's the damage? How much is this gonna cost me?'
'Nothing.'
'Nothing?'
'Yup. Took me all of five minutes to diagnose your little problem and I didn't even have to swap out any of Avangeline's organs. This one's on me, call it… compensation for your scintillating company.'
'If only I could pay all my mechanics in company,' you sigh wistfully.
Roninl laughs and says, 'you might want to rethink that one, darlin'. You might get more than you paid for, or less, if it'll only company you're intending on dishing out. Not everyone's as nice as me and then I'd have to come rescue you.'
'Oh. Oh. Yeah, no, that's not what I meant,' you laugh awkwardly. That is not what you were trying to say. Ronin grins at you and you roll your eyes, the awkward air breaking up and disappating immediately.
'Thanks, um- for checking Avangeline out and making sure she isn't gonna like cough up a lung or whatever next time I start her up.'
'She's all good. Won't even splutter up the teensiest bit of blood when you take her home… or she won't tonight, who knows when the devil will come to drag her into her very, very overdue grave? Though, there are some benefits to Avangeline being on death's door, at least you won't ever have to worry about someone butchering her for spare parts even after you factor in the shady neighbourhood you live in,' Ronin laughs at his own joke and it's not mean like it should be, not the kind of laugh that usually accompanies the kind of derisive joke he just made.
Something about it sets your teeth on edge, something about him sets your teeth on edge. You don't know how else to explain it other than it's wrong, he's laughing wrong- cackling out a high pitched noise that's more hysterical than anything and you- you don't quite get the joke.
You swallow the discomfort- socialising doesn't always come easy to you so ignoring awkward moments has become your go to reaction when you don't know how to react to something. 'The neighbourhood I live in is fine, thank you. And Avangeline is not on death's door, okay? She's perfectly healthy and will continue to be that way for the rest of her very long life.' You say primly and Ronin laughs, the sound disbelieving and a little mean the way it's supposed to be and it makes you feel better.
'…Seriously though, thank you Ronin. I'll be sure to keep you in mind for any future check ups that Avangeline needs,' you tell him.
'Let me give you my number, darlin', for Avangeline- can't have her dyin' on you out there without any kind of backup.'
'For Avangeline,' you say. You really shouldn't, you can tell from how he said it that he's probably giving you his number for reasons other than Avangeline but Ronin's funny and talking to him is easy in a way that talking to anyone hasn't been in a while for you. You're maybe a little lonely. This whole 'no love no friends' thing is harder than it seems. So you let him put his number in your phone, explicitly for mechanic purposes and maybe also for friend purposes. No romance though. None. That's where you're drawing the line.
XXXXXXXXXX
Looking for chapter 3?
sorry this took so long! i been real busy! but!!!! i think thats the set up done with !! chap 3 is written and being edited as we speak and yall i am SO excited to finish and share it with yall. see you soon!
Lmao not me playing killer chat to farm V voicelines for my request and then getting sad that this is the first time I've not the hit love point requirement to pick ronin (who I'm NOT romancing this playthrough) like I saw it and my little heart went .... :'( like "what did I do?" I'm down bad fr this is ridiculous yall
Anyone who plays Killer Chat PLEASE tell me what is V's accent. I THINK I know but I'm not sure bc I SUCK SUCK SUCCCKKKK at hearing accents n cannot accurately pin it to describe it pls send help
