Iām sitting here, trying to find a way to tell you that Iām no longer interested, or that I think Iām no longer interested. Iāve gone through 24 years of life without someone and now that someone actually wants me, actually wants to be with me, I donāt know if I want to be with them. If I actually want to dedicate time to them. How do I know what I want when I donāt even know myself?Ā ā
Heās kind and funny. Sometimes heās a little weird, but arenāt we all? He may not have the looks or the education, but he works hard, or is trying to. Something just isnāt there. I canāt explain it. The initial high, the wanting to text him every day all day, just went away after three days. Does that mean there is something wrong with me? Something about who I am thatās getting in the way of me and my love story?Ā Or is it fate telling me that he is not the one and to move on. How do I move on? He continues to text no matter how reserved I am, no matter how short my texts may be responding to his lengthy ones. How do I tell a seemingly nice person that I am not interested anymore- I do not want them anymore? Because itās the truth. I do not want him anymore. This essay will be filled with many question marks because my life is just that, one big question mark. Iāve never felt secure in one place, besides the arms of my family. Of course I know their love and adoration, I know their heart. However, once it comes to me and the outside world, Iām lost. Iām lost and I feel as though I may never be found. This sounds as though I am an angsty teenager, with my dark hair covering my eyes, my dark eyeshadow and black nail polish. I wallow in my self-despair and dream of days where I donāt have to feel this way anymore or think about these things. But havenāt I moved passed those days? Move passed the angst and found the light? There is no light sometimes. Sometimes all there is is heartache and confusion. Anxiety gets the better of us and we sit there day dreaming of good days where we never felt this way, we dream of a world where everything is right and easy. But nothing is right and easy. Nothing can just come to you. Everything must be worked for, everything must have a price. Even the love of someone has a price. Should it be this way? Should it be this hard? Do I stay with him and give it a chance because Iām not sure what I want? Because all of my friends tell me I donāt give guys a chance? Say I give him a chance and realize later on I was right, my gut was right. What then? I tell the man that fell in love with me that I never loved him. That I knew from the very beginning our train was destined to fall off a cliff. To die. How do you tell someone you donāt want to hurt that the one thing that is hurting you is being with them. I donāt want you anymore. I never knew that feeling. I always questioned how someone could be with someone that they liked and wanted to see all of the time and then all of a sudden tell them āI donāt want you anymoreā. But now I know. Are we, the dumpers, in the wrong? Possibly. But how are you in the wrong when youāre telling the truth? Should I lie for the rest of my life to keep someone from feeling pain or rejection? No. That would mean I live my life to appease another person, but shouldnāt I live my life to appease myself? This all doesnāt make sense. Nothing makes sense. You live to find someone to share this life with and to share the happy and sad times with. But how do you know? How do you know that one person is actually the one you want to spend all of these times with?Ā
Those reading this may have realized by now that I donāt even know myself, how would I know love? I donāt. I donāt know love besides the love of my family. I know rejection, I know heartache, I know loneliness. Iāve always said that once I found āthe oneā I would know. Iām told to enjoy being single and to use this time to understand myself. I thought I did understand myself. I thought I knew what I wanted. Maybe I donāt. Maybe Iāve spent these past years wasting time and not truly using it to understand who I am and what I want. Iāve wasted time that I couldāve used learning. I want to give up. Not all of the time, but most days, I want to just kick up my heels and call it a life. But no, not yet. I canāt lose myself to this life yet. I want to explore, I want to grow, I want to live a life Iāve never thought I could have. I use the excuse of how I was raised as reasons why I am the way, but is that really a good excuse? In my opinion no. But how do I break through this barrier? I want to jump out of my skin and run into a new one. I want to break the hold thatās held onto my life and just get away. Would I be happier away from here? Away from my family? I donāt know. I know I would miss them with every beat of my heart, but missing them doesnāt mean moving away is a bad idea. I can miss someone and still be apart from them. I can miss someone and still leave them to do what is best for me.Ā
So, as I write this, I took the chance. I told him itās not meant to be. I told him we werenāt right, in my opinion, in my gut. We werenāt for each other. The man I so wanted to see every day, I so wanted to text and not be ignored by, has been ignored by me. And I feel fine. Does that make me a sociopath? Me justifying that he doesnāt want to be my friend, only my lover, as a bad thing and that he is the one that is making the mistakes and that he is the one that ruined this friendship that could have one day turned into a relationship. I donāt know if it does or not. I sit here, hoping it doesnāt, hoping Iām right in the fact that he wasnāt for me, that the guy that I met on a dating app that wanted to jump into a relationship wasnāt for me. I was on it too, but I so clearly knew that this will not work. This will not be because I am not his and he is not mine. I could see it, but he couldnāt. I had other men on my mind when I might have only been on his. But was I? A man who lives thousands of miles away, only wanting to be with me? A girl heās known less than two weeks. Could that even be? My faith in love is low, to trust someone youāve only known for a few weeks that he could be faithful, that online dates is enough, that a good morning text is enough. Itās not enough for me. Iām facing my reality. Iām facing what I think I need for myself and I stood up today. I didnāt ignore him, I didnāt āghostā him. I stood my ground and told him what I needed. I needed a friend. Someone who would be there and understand my grief and then would one day I would see as something more. But of course, how do you ask that of someone? Is there actually someone who can see me and say to themselves, āI would wait for herā? I want someone to want to wait for me. To think Iām worthy of waiting for. To have that though, I must think Iām worth waiting for. Do I? Am I worth the love I feel like I deserve, that I want? I donāt know. I think everyone deserves the love that they want and that they feel like they deserve. No one should ever have to sacrifice to appease others. Sacrifice for the ones you love, not the ones that hurt you.Ā
I can tell he was hurt and disappointed, and I canāt say I wasnāt either. The love story I so wanted to work out had an expiration date that neither of us wanted to see, but I took the initiative and stood my ground. I threw us out. Do I regret it? I donāt know. One day I might. One day I might be alone and realize that I threw away something good. But I donāt think I will. I know God has a plan for everyone, and my plan may still be playing out. Listening to my head and my heart is a tough job, but I think in this situation, they both said the same thing. I told him the first day we met that I donāt have any regrets, or I try not to. I donāt regret this. I donāt regret talking to him, or going on a date with him. I donāt regret telling him how I feel and what makes me happy or sad. I donāt regret telling him I want to be friends. I donāt regret him telling me he doesnāt want to just be friends. I donāt regret him.Ā
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