Broken Record
Year 7 - Chapter 79
Summary: After slamming the door in your face, Severus takes a walk to cool off, finding himself in the last place he ever thought he'd go.
Word count: 4965
A/N: Ahh this chapter wasn't supposed to end like this but I couldn't help myself. Anyways, I've fallen behind on work so I will likely be taking a bit of a break. Hopefully it won't last too long and I'll try to write whenever I can.
Previous Chapter - Chapter 1
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What had he just done? How could he have said those things, left like that? How could he have pushed you? This wasn’t him, this wasn’t how things were supposed to be. He wasn’t a violent person, least of all towards you. He still loved you, he would always love you and the last thing he wanted was for you to hate him. He’d felt so trapped, so smothered these past few months and as much as he hated to admit it, stepping outside those doors without you, without anyone looming over him, wanting something from him almost felt freeing. He regretted what he did, everything he said, he would take it all back in a heartbeat and he worried you wouldn’t let him if he tried, but for the first time in a long time, he felt lighter, like he’d finally managed to find the pause button on his life.
He looked back towards the door he’d slammed in your face, placing his cold palm against the aged wood, wondering how you were feeling, if he hurt you, if you felt as betrayed as he imagined. He could feel the need to open the door and beg for forgiveness, make sure you were alright, talk through everything he’d been feeling these last few months, but the small bit of freedom he felt, the selfishness that pushed him to the edge today overshadowed any logical sense of care for you. His hand slowly slipped down the door, limping lazily at his side as he slowly turned back around. He put his hands in his pockets and took a step away from the house he’d shared with you. With each step, he felt another wedge between you forming, whatever was left of your relationship cracking and breaking further into small unsalvageable pieces.
He wondered if you could see him walking away through the window, if you’d be trying to watch him through the window in the first place. He imagined you at the door, debating going after him. He imagined you crying, in tears over what he’d done. Then he imagined you storming up the stairs to pack your bags. He didn’t want to find you gone when he went back home. He didn’t want an end to your relationship, he didn’t want you to feel like he hated you. He just needed a break from the life he was living. A break from the failures, from the pressure, the sadness surrounding him at every turn. He needed a break from watching you get everything you wanted only to find himself struggling to achieve his own goals. He had plans, dreams of his own and he’d accomplished nothing. He was supposed to rule Hogwarts, find a home for himself there, find a family and he failed. He was supposed to become the best Potions Master the world would come to know, invent spells and potions and he failed.
He turned the corner and finally made it off of Spinner’s End; the endless street that seemed determined to drag him down. Maybe coming back to this place was his initial mistake. Merlin knows you were the best thing that ever happened to him, but this place, this sad little corner of Cokeworth seemed cursed. It was like an anchor attached to any potential he had, weighing him down until he drowned or cut off any potential he had, giving it up for the depressing life that came with living on that street. He never knew a single person who lived there that was happy. Everyone was broke, overworked, alcoholic or too depressed to see the sun. He told himself that wasn’t going to be him, yet here he was acting the part, yelling and snapping at the one good thing in his life.
He thought back at all the times his parents fought, the horrible way he felt when he got caught in the middle. It made him feel small, unwanted, unloved, undeserving of life and that must have been how he made you feel when you found yourself caught in the middle of him and his problems. He messed up. He did something horrible and he didn’t know how to fix it. All he could do now was keep walking. Find a way to shed this weight off of him and come clean to you, he just never thought this was how he’d try to do that. Everyone else on that damn street found themselves in this gas station at least once in their life buying nothing but liquor, so maybe it was just his turn.
He looked at the door as he stopped a few steps away. He could still turn back, but where would he go? He couldn’t face you, not after what he did. There was nowhere else for him to go. This place was a comfort to all the strays from Spinner’s End and he understood now why so many people from his street came here. It was a last resort, a shelter from the storm that brewed at each of their homes. Slowly he made his way up to the entrance, the bell above the door ringing as he pushed it open and stepped inside. It was still early, not many people in the store, but at least that meant it was quiet. Everything was stocked. Every shelf full of toxic food, every fridge filled with poisoned beverages. He walked down one of the aisles, remembering when you nearly bought half the trolly during your last trip on the Hogwarts Express, his lips twitching into the smallest of smiles as he remembered the taste of every treat you’d bought for him. You both were so happy and excited that day, you more so than him, but still. He wanted to start a life here with you, ready to conquer the world as you always said you would. It seemed like he’d lived a hundred years since then. That boy on the train is long gone, replaced with the empty shell of a man he was now.
He made it to the end of the aisle and stared down at the line of fridges. In front of him was an obnoxious line of beer, screaming at him to continue down the path he’d suddenly found himself on. But he could never stoop that low. Becoming a drunk, following in his father’s footsteps. He’d die before that ever happened. Looking towards the front at the cashier, he walked past the line of liquor and watched as the young woman working behind the counter popped her bubble gum, flipping through some Muggle magazine. Behind her was a line of cigarette packets, including the brand his father used to love when he smoked, Embassy. Spinner’s End was filled with smokers, he was sure you and he were the only ones who didn’t enjoy a few puffs every now and then. Severus was so used to the smell of a lit cigarette. When he thought of Spinner’s End, that smell was always at the forefront of his mind, a token part of the street.
He sighed as he walked up to the counter, staring at the woman who didn’t seem phased by his presence in the slightest. He felt invisible, like he wasn’t worthy enough to be acknowledged as a human being. Leaning on the counter, he asked her for the cheapest pack of cigarettes they offered. After what felt like forever, she finally looked up from her magazine and paused, staring at him as if just now realising he’d spoken.
“You don’t look like a smoker.” She smirked at him, looking him up and down. Severus looked at her in confusion. He was surprised she made such a comment, wondering why she even bothered to care. One second she has her face buried in a magazine and the next she’s making assumptions about him like she’d been analysing him from the second he walked through the door.
“Why do you care?” Severus grunted as he began to grow impatient with her. Was she incapable of performing the simple task of fetching a packet of cigarettes and exchanging it for some money? As far as he was aware, judging other people wasn’t part of her job description.
“Just an observation,” she said as she grabbed the pack, laying it flat on the counter. She slid it over to him but kept hold of it as Severus reached to take it from her. “You know, you really shouldn’t start smoking. It can be a nasty habit to kick.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Severus grunted as he snatched the packet from her, surprising her as she jumped back. Her smirk faded as disappointment settled onto her face, counting the money Severus had slammed onto the counter in return. Great, yet another person he’d disappointed, another person judging him for his failures and bad choices.
He quickly made his way out before she could say anything else and turned the corner, walking towards the back of the station. Looking down at the cigarette packet, he started wondering how life had brought him to this moment. How could he go from that eager, excited boy, ready to build a life, propose to the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with to this sad man, snapping at anyone who spoke to him, about to smoke at the back of a gas station. He opened the packet and removed one of the cigarettes, stuffing the rest of them in his pocket. It felt weird to hold between his thumb and index finger, lighter than he’d imagined, like it was offering to take the weight he carried off of his shoulders, at least for a little while.
He placed the end between his lips and took out his wand, lighting it with a silent spell. Inhaling, he closed his eyes and let all his thoughts drift away from him. For a moment, he left his burdens behind, letting go of his worries and just gave in to the escape he’d found. He took in another breath and exhaled before he leaned back and let himself slide down against the concrete wall. He stared at the lit cigarette sitting between his fingers and felt tears trickling at the corner of his eyes. Everything he hated about his childhood, everything he set out to avoid when he grew up was happening like it was some curse. He was still living on Spinner’s End, he was jobless, he’d taken up one of his father’s nasty habits and he was sure you were about to leave him after what happened this morning.
Tears began streaming uncontrollably down his face as he hung his hand over his knee, letting the cigarette burn between his fingers. He shouldn’t have kept things to himself, he shouldn’t have sent that letter two weeks ago. There was nothing more that he wanted at this moment than to have a do-over of the last couple of months. He would do everything differently if he was given the chance, talked to you, listened to you, kept his head down. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel like this, maybe then he would still be happy.
He thought about all the mistakes he’d made over the last few years, all the regrets he had and none of it ever fell on you, yet you were the one who had to endure the backlash of his own pain. It wasn’t fair to you, any of it and he had to try to fix whatever was left of his relationship with you because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to survive without it. Dropping what remained of the cigarette, he stood up and put it out before he began to make his way home. With his hands in his pockets, he held the cigarette packet, tracing its outline with his index finger as he began to wonder how he could even begin to apologise. What words were big enough to let you know how he felt about you, about how he treated you, about everything. He was nothing without you. He would crumble in an instance if you left him and he could only pray Merlin would give him the strength to fix things with you.
Time would only tell now. All he had to do was open the door and behold the aftermath of the morning, see how his outburst had hurt you and left your home tainted. He stood there unable to move. How could he when he was so afraid of what would come after he opened the door. Toxic images burned in his head. Would you leave him, have your bags packed? Would you be there ready to tell him off, start a fight? He didn’t want that. He just wanted to apologise, to ask for your forgiveness and explain everything to you. He wanted to share his side of things, to show you how he felt, to tell you he loved you more than anything and that nothing could excuse the words he said this morning. But he worried that the moment he opened the door, the speech he prepared on his way home would disappear from his mind, leaving him with nothing but his uncontrolled emotions.
Slowly he turned the doorknob, his heart pounding rapidly against his chest as he peered into the house. Nothing had changed. The curtains were still closed, the fireplace still roaring, his letter and ink still spilled on the table. The only thing out of place was you. You were on the floor, facing the fireplace with your back against the couch and a glass of firewhiskey in your hand. Neither of you ever drank heavily. That bottle was a gift you’d brought back from one of your trips, he couldn’t remember which one. You’d both joked that that bottle would sit in your cupboard untouched, outliving you both, yet here you were sitting with a glass of that liquid in your hand. He was afraid to move, like if he did, he’d startle you and scare you away.
As quietly as he could, he entered the house and closed the door behind him, turning around to find you hadn’t moved a muscle. Were you aware of his presence? You had to be, the door wasn’t silent, and he knew a breeze followed him inside before he could close the door. Why hadn’t you moved? Cautiously, he removed his jacket, without taking his eyes off of you before very slowly making his way over towards you. He swallowed hard when he saw the dried stream of tears on your cheeks and your red eyes staring blankly into the fire. He fought hard to remember all the words he wanted to say to you; I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But as soon as he took a seat beside you, they’d all evaporated from his mind.
“(Y/N).” He choked on your name, his throat drying up as it closed in on itself. His body fought against him, knowing his words were what caused this. He could feel his mind fighting against him, as if anticipating any more words would make everything worse. But he had to do something. There was no way he would be able to live with himself if he didn’t try to fix what happened this morning. “Th-there are no words to tell you how much I regret what I did this morning. I-I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I shouldn’t have pushed you, I shouldn’t have said any of those things, and I swear to you, I didn’t mean them. I’m sorry.”
Severus stared at you wide eyed, waiting for some sort of response, verbal or otherwise. But you didn’t move a single muscle. It was as if he hadn’t said a word. You didn’t wince, didn’t even acknowledge that he’d come back. The longer he waited, the slower the seconds passed by, taunting him as he silently begged for you to say something, or at the very least show some sign of life.
“(Y/N)?” He said softly, reaching for your shoulder. His hand hovered inches away from you. He was too scared to touch you after what he did this morning. He knew what it was like to feel abused by someone who was supposed to love them, and feeling that way was the last thing he wanted for you. He couldn’t stand the thought of you seeing him the way his parents saw one another growing up. He’d promised himself he would be better than them, yet here he was making the same mistakes.
He put his hand back down at his side and waited patiently. Whatever you decided to do, he would accept. If you decided never to speak to him again, to walk away and pretend he didn’t exist, he would accept it. After what felt like hours, he finally saw you move ever so slowly as you placed the glass in your hand on the coffee table beside his ruined letter. He watched you with wide eyes, attentive to every move you made, hoping you would speak.
“You know, I’ve never drunk so much alcohol in my life. I never thought I’d have a reason to,” you finally said. After everything that had happened, everything he said, that was all you could come up with to say. All your thoughts, your rage, fear, disappointment, sadness were jumbled up in your head, leaving you feeling completely empty, a hole you’d tried to fill with a few drinks, trying to find a way to organise your emotions. You didn’t know what more to say because you didn’t know how to feel about his apology. You wanted to believe it was sincere, but you also couldn’t believe that Severus would ever speak to you the way he did this morning, pushing you away like that. After all these years together, you thought you knew him, you thought nothing could break what you had, that you knew him. How could you have missed the fact he was struggling to this degree? Were you really so oblivious to all the signs?
Before you could say anything more, you saw Severus reach into his jacket pocket at the corner of your eye. He placed something down beside your glass and when he removed his hand to reveal the object, your mouth dropped open in shock. After all those stories he told you about his childhood, after everything he’d told you about Spinner’s End, he left you this morning in a complete wreck to buy cigarettes?
“I-I never thought I’d smoke before,” Severus said softly. He felt his heart pounding against his chest as he felt himself take a step back into the right direction. He’d started sharing the truth with you, an action he felt guilty about and he wasn’t hiding it from you. He knew this was nothing in comparison to everything else he had to tell you, but at least he was making some sort of progress.
You looked at the items you both ran off to for comfort instead of each other and felt pity. You pitted him, you pitted yourself and you pitted your relationship. You both messed up and it was your relationship, your souls that suffered. Instead of trying to fix things between yourselves, make up for the mistakes, the secrets, you both attempted to numb the pain and escape in your own way. You found yourself laughing at the situation. You laughed at the fact that you’d both mirrored each other’s actions so well, maybe you truly were meant for each other. Perhaps you were meant to endure each other’s pain together for the rest of your lives, inflecting it on one another and then process it together like you were doing now. What did that say about either of you? Were neither of you invested in building a good relationship? Did you both feel deep down that pain was easier to digest alone? Your laughter quickly turned to cries of sadness, tears streaming down your cheeks as you thought about the happy memories you used to share together. You used to love spending time with him like this, sitting somewhere in the sitting room, talking the night away until one of you fell asleep in the other’s arms. You loved the feeling of waking up in the middle of the night to find that Severus had taken you upstairs to bed, tucked in right beside him. All those memories, all that happiness was taken away by a few hours of yelling, drinking and smoking.
Severus didn’t know what to think when he heard you laughing. He watched you giggle when he put down the carton of cigarettes as if he’d just told you these past two years had been a dream. He was confused and could do nothing but stare until he finally understood. It wasn’t laughter that he heard, it was just more pain covered up by the need for everything to go back to the way things were. He wanted so badly to hold you in his arms when he saw the river of tears pouring from your eyes, to rock you back and forth, cry with you and tell you things were going to be okay, that you would both get through this together. He felt his eyes water as he resisted the urge to reach for you, feeling unworthy of such a privilege after what he’d done that morning. Still, he couldn’t help himself, his hand compulsively reaching for you as he fought back the tears.
“(Y/N),” he whispered your name, pain echoing through his voice as he gently placed a hand on your shoulder, his heart pounding so fast, waiting to see how you would react. A tear rolled down his cheeks at the mess you’d become because of him, because of what he’d said and done. It tore him apart to see you like this and only made the pain he felt worse knowing he was to blame. He watched patiently as you tried so hard to fight the tears and gather yourself, relieved that you didn’t immediately repel back at his touch.
“How did we get to this point, Severus?” you whispered to him as you took in a few breaths while wiping away your tears. Severus stared at you with a frown, his hand falling from your shoulder back to his lap as he thought about your question. Had things seemed so well for you these last two years that you hadn’t noticed him spiralling out of control? Had you not considered the impact your trips had on your relationship? He didn’t want to tell you he resented your trips, he didn’t want you to feel like you were to blame. But he knew he couldn’t lie or tiptoe around the subject any longer. What happened today could never happen again and he had to do everything he could to make sure your relationship didn’t expire before the day ended.
“Truthfully? I think it started the day our careers took us on separate paths,” he continued on his mission to come clean to you and it took you by surprise. You turned your head towards him as you gave him your full attention, your eyes wide with curiosity about what he meant. You knew your travels would put a strain on your relationship, you weren’t a fool. But you thought you’d found a way to get through it together, that the time you spent together when you came back, the time you spent writing to one another made up for the distance your careers put between you. “I feel apart when you left for your first practice. We made things work, at least we tried. But every day I had to live alone in this house tore me apart. I couldn’t stand it.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” You said with a frown, thinking about all the pain he’d gone through, all the pain you’d neglected to notice, or didn’t bother noticing while you were coming and going at your leisure. You wanted to take back these last two years, to redo them over again so that your relationship wouldn’t have suffered as much as it did. But all you could do now was try and be better. You had to find a way to compromise, to follow your dreams without your relationship suffering in the process.
“I didn’t want to upset you, I didn’t want to be selfish. I just wanted to enjoy your company while you were here,” Severus said truthfully, now regretting the fact that he didn’t speak up. Any hurt feels or arguments you would have had back then would have been better than this. Now, because of what he didn’t say, here you both were suffering for it.
Your eyes watered as you heard his words and finally realised after all these years what you’d truly asked him to do when you asked to move in with him. You thought you were asking to build a life with him from nothing, but you’d asked instead for him to build a life with you with his childhood trauma as a foundation when you both moved into this house. You thought travelling and letting Severus focus on his studies benefited both your careers when instead, you’d asked him to endure the memories these walls reminded him of when he was alone by himself. You’d neglected him like his parents and it pained him more than he was willing to admit.
“Sev, I’m so sorry. You never should have felt that way. I-I should have been there for you, I never realised-” A tear ran down your cheek as you took in a breath, thinking about all the repression he’d been going through these past two years without considering talking to you. “You are more important to me than my career.”
“So are you,” Severus said desperately as he leaned in closer. He wanted so badly to forget about the last few months, to go back to being happy with you, to focusing on your love and your perfect future together, but he knew that wasn’t how life worked. Even if he managed to make things up with you, life was waiting behind him to knock him down some more. But at least if he had you on his side, he’d be stronger when facing whatever came his way. “But I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want you to be ashamed of me. I felt like I neededto honour my mother, to make you proud, like if I didn’t find a good job, I’d fail you both.”
“Severus, I want you to succeed in everything you do because I want you to be happy, not to take pride in you. I already take pride in you, Sev.” Your eyes softened for the first time today as you finally felt your love for him returning. The pain you felt had almost disappeared when you heard his sincerity and saw the remorse he felt. It hurt to hear how ignorant you’d been all this time, but you were glad he’d spoken up and you could only hope it wouldn’t take something like what happened this morning to keep the honesty between you going forward.
“I’m so sorry for this morning (Y/N),” Severus said as tears began to stream down his face. He couldn’t stop himself from playing it over and over again in his head. He didn’t even know where those words came from, he didn’t mean any of it. He loved you, he loved living with you and he couldn’t bear it if you left. He liked waking up beside you, going to bed beside you, and being around you. “I never should have let things get to such a point.”
You smiled at him as you raised a hand towards his cheek, swiping away his tears, his eyes widening as they met yours. He leaned into your touch like you’d spent the last two years apart, finally to be reunited again. He felt lighter, happy to have finally spent a conversation with you telling the truth instead of feeling ashamed of himself. He could only hope things would get better from here, but a small part of him worried things wouldn’t work out as wonderfully as he imagined, that he’d slip up and let himself go back to the way things were.
“Just promise me it won’t happen again? No more keeping things to yourself?” You asked him, unable to handle the thought of a repeat of what happened today. You knew it was too much to ask for things to go back to the way they were, but you just wanted to move forward, to grow together and adjust so that you could have that perfect life you both day dreamed about when you were in Hogwarts. You knew happiness wasn’t an unrealistic goal, that you could both be content with life if you just found a proper balance and you prayed to Merlin that this talk would help you find that perfect balance.
“I promise it won’t happen again,” Severus said with absolute sincerity. He promised you, he promised himself with everything he had he wouldn’t let it happen again. He wouldn’t let himself spiral the way he did these last few months, he wouldn’t keep things from you, he wouldn’t let the negativity around him consume him. He only hoped now that he could find the strength to come clean about what he’d done, that he could get through the hardships he knew was coming. He needed your relationship to survive what was coming next and he knew opening up was the only chance he had.
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A/N: I do not in any way condone smoking or using alcohol as a comfort. This is all fiction obviously and I just felt it suited the chapter.
Next Chapter
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