V's Blog

[virakri]

I feel stuck… but i need to fight that feeling head-on.

[virakri]

Life… I don’t know much anymore.

[virakri]

Fuck fuck fuck fuck… 😖

[virakri]

So cruel…

[virakri]

It is so difficult.

[virakri]

I think i lost the ability of self-fulfillment. I used to be able to enjoy the journey on myself without mentally relying on others. But recently, the ability has vanished. I doubt it’s because i lost the the feeling of security to my life in the greatest scale which is about my identity and home. It might need to sit down and think more if I really lose it, or i just start to stop lying to myself as i might have been lying and never touching this subject in the past. It might be perfect time to seriously start building one up. It’s a tough process though.

[virakri]

I might need to start finding and reducing the factors that might trigger those wanted feelings.

[virakri]

The feeling of sadness/depression is interesting as it rides up and down like a wave, and the cycle is kind of predictable and not at the same time.

[virakri]

I just wanna be stronger.

[virakri]

But longer term problems are still persisting.

Am I really happier if I accomplish that?

[virakri]

The more i talked to myself, the more i found that what i subconsciously want is the reciprocation to cope with my short-term problems.

[virakri]

I am so tired fighting with this intrusive thoughts. I want to completely stop this rumination.

[virakri]

The trip started I… don’t know. I still feel empty inside, but optimistic. Anyway, i still have some fear though. Fear of this emptiness will haunt me. Btw, that would be interesting experience as well. Traveling with the feeling of emptiness. LOL

Ok let be in the moment.

[virakri]

My journey starts, so leave those behind and be in the moment.

[virakri]

This trip… I don’t expect much… i mean I don’t expect anything at all. I really let it be by the flow. I pretty much planed some of it, but in-term of detail planning that’s not the thing for this time.

[virakri]

Collapsing over and over everyday is cruel.

[virakri]

With this insecurity, I'm now like a baby who doesn't understand why he or she is alive and begins to imitate and learn that from caretakers to gradually develop his or her identity and reason for existing.