i met a boy when i was 19, in 2017 and what seemed beautiful, turned into an ugly cloudy day. i wanted to fix everything broken about him. wanted to kiss every flaw. wanted to show him the better things in life. i fell deeply and madly in love with someone who only saw me as something to pass the time. i gave up my time, money and peace of mind just to show i was worthy of being kept around. i was emotionally manipulated and lied to so many times i began to question reality. i doubted myself, questioned my worth, and lost who i was. but, i stayed. i left because i knew it was bad but stayed because he was my best friend. i forgave him more than i did my childhood best friend. i let him talk down on me and try to fix the things he didnt like to make him satisfied. i cried right in front of his face while he sat and watched and did absolutely nothing multiple times. it always hurt me to see him hurt but when he intentionally hurt me, it didn’t bother him in the slightest. i shared my life with him. he knew/met every single one of my friends, and there i was, finding new friends he never mentioned. i introduced him to my family as my boyfriend, whereas i was just a friend to his. i told him over and over there’s no way he really loved me when all he did was browse other women, i just wanted him to admit it. he finally said, “i never loved you.” and i hung up the phone, blocked his number and we didn’t talk for 6 months. i gave in for the 4th time because eventually people change right? we talked about that night he said he never loved me and he said “i never said that.” (even though i replayed that conversation every night before bed for the past 6 months.) i was gaslighted more times than i could count and still wanted him to want me. and here i am today. nearly two years after i left him, and i still wonder what he’s doing. i wonder if he’s eaten, or slept. i wonder if he’s happy. i wonder if he’s safe. and sometimes i miss him. i miss walking around everywhere and holding hands. i miss laying in the middle of the road at 2a.m. because we had nothing better to do. i miss waking up from him pulling me closer to him in the middle of the night. i miss playing monopoly and him tackling me when i won the ‘Free Parking’ money. i miss watching him do things in his own way and wondering why he chose to complicate things. i miss hugging him. i miss smelling him. i miss falling asleep on facetime. he was really my other half. i just wish he didnt choose to ruin something good by being a selfish person. the funny thing is, he doesnt even care. so why am i enduring all this pain when he’s out there care free? who knows. i’m just glad for the past two years, i can sleep peacefully. knowing i’m not getting cheated on. knowing no one’s creating lies to tell me. knowing i’m a first option to someone, even if that person is me. knowing i loved fiercely and no one had to force me to be loyal. im happy i left, it’s just sometimes i think of times spent, and i reminisce. goodbye to my soulmate, i hope youre happy with our outcome. i hope we never meet again, & fuck the apologies, i’m better off without ‘em.
turnnoffyourmind
2087
dededos
snowghoul
stormborns
titsay
