woem

:3

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I am feeling loved and desired

And fearing that I will never be

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*chills* The warmth of the light looks different, rounder

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I will never beg to be chosen again. -- I did something kinda unhinged tonight. It inspired a poem. It was meaningless to everyone except for me, I guess

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It's just... disorienting, I guess. To live the life I want, I inevitably need to dismantle the life I created. A life I love. A life that was built on so many intentional connections. I'm going to lose so many friends the more I take time for myself. After Raksha Bandhan this year, I will grieve the inevitable loss. I might even lose partnerships. But I will make new friends too. Or see which of my old friends stay. I'm sure some of them will. Because when the baby comes, I must have space for them. I know so many things will be out of my control. But I can plan. I've had my fun. It was so good while it lasted, despite the turbulence. I am already making changes. I will make more changes come this Fall. I will be ready.

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Everything is working out for me. Everything will work out for me. I am only having drop right now, and it's to be expected. I had a very full week, full of fun, work, merriment, and emotional processing. My life is so full and lively. I am so alive. (So, so what if I have doom thoughts? I am winning, and I need to start believing it.)

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I think the heartbreaking part of this week is that I know I loved them. I know I did what I told them I'd do the night before we got married. And the breakup was necessary for us to achieve that.

And now, none of it is on my plate anymore.

And I'm relieved. There is still so much grief and anger about this loss.

But I actively love the people in my life. I want to let myself feel more free with that.

I want to love the woman who I'm only friends with in a way that doesn't destroy us. Last night, I dreamt we were together. Why am I grieving this so hard when I was the one to reject her advances last time? I guess I didn't want to be a casual play partner (which is what she offered). Does it matter though? :/

I want to fall in love with the people I'm dating.

—

If I've already given up on finding a nesting partner and/or coparent, maybe I can stop letting myself be constrained by all these rules

It's still hard for me to believe I can be loved. I know people do. I feel broken all the time.

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The weeks just seem to pass by. It's very startling.

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I don't want to feel lonely with a partner or with myself anymore.

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I think, at the end of the day, I don't play with my life with anymore. Not that I don't have fun. I mean, if someone or something repeatedly hurts me without change even when they're told, I'm done.

All the stuff coming up now is past grief. It's still current of course too. But that person will never apologize. They don't understand the impact.

My strength is not to abandon myself again. And I am, even through this time, still staying true to myself

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ugh, Saturn retrograde Although that's not the point

The point is, I have reactions and emotions, and I let myself feel them. I am at home. I am resting. I have good food. I have wonderful people I'm dating. I love my friends. My friends love me. And one day, I will be a parent.

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I just remembered how much I like drinking juice in the park

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I’ve dared myself to do things badly yesterday and today. And I ended up getting a lot done. With a lot of complaining and task friction, and long breaks in my car, but ya know

(Like I went to the gym, I’ve been eating breakfast, I got work tasks done, I just went grocery shopping, I’m responding to people, I’m slowly cleaning my place, etc.)

And while I have PMDD during Mercury retrograde?! Mind-blowing

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TONIGHT IS DATE NIGHT WITH THE MOON

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I admire my neighbor for leaving for work at 6:30 or 7 am every day.

I SIMPLY COULD NOT.

And he's so much older than I am.

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fuck. choclate cake before going to the gym. alkerjlawke

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didn't actually end up eating choc cake before the gym, but I did go to the gym that day. I will *not* shame myself for eating *anything* --

Life continues to be strange, but I think it's all actually "normal" Several past people came back into my life this year. Last night, a connection ended. Last night, I felt really comfortable with a person I'm dating. And I'm feeling closer to the other person I'm dating. Both are going slow (in my opinion) and THAT'S A GOOD THING. I want my nervous system to feel... steady care

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fuck. choclate cake before going to the gym. alkerjlawke

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One day, I'm going to breastfeed my child, and it will be so magical. Maybe painful, maybe frustrating, maybe euphoric, maybe... idk. It will be so magical