Today, I was called a liar, a user, an asshole, and a pathetic little boy. Those words resonated inside my head after reading a letter that was dedicated to me from someone that who used to know me.
I kept my mouth shut and slept on my arms on the dining table while my friends are puzzled on why I chose to sleep than to eat exactly at lunch time. I let a tear drop from my eye. Basically, it was a normal response brought by something emotional, maybe. But for now, those words are the reason why I cried in silence.
To be respectfully honest, I shouldn’t be writing these thoughts right now. But I don’t have anyone to share this problem with. Maybe because other people won’t understand the things that I’ve been going through, maybe because I am afraid to be judged and be contested for the things that I’ve done that lead on to this. Further, maybe because I trust whomever will be reading this composition.
I broke somebody’s heart. Not because I don’t like that person, but because I don’t want that person to experience agony anymore. I’ve been told that I’ve been such a pain causative individual, and no matter how I try to change myself, everything that I do is wrong.
In Clinical Pharmacology, it’s not enough to treat the pain. It’s way better to treat what is the underlying cause than to relieve something that is expected to happen again. To fix things and to cover up from sorrow is just a Band-Aid solution that will soon fade. Even if you want to try and try to soothe what is painful, it’s the light at the end of the tunnel if the source of the pain will be gone for good.
I took a few steps back and recalled everything. We both have similarities and a lot in contrast. I entered in a zone as a foreign body that comprises that person’s territory of emotions, characteristics and culture. I triggered a response that made that person’s aura repel me. It was not easy to get through, and as time passes by, every contradicting idea of mine builds a wall that separated me from that person. It created a reaction that is unpleasant and bothersome for the both of us.
It ended because that person couldn’t take it anymore and nights were filled with arguments, debates and anger. Gone are the nights when a tiring day of being a medical student was relieved by a simple hello or “how are you.” We both entered the blame game on whose fault was it and apparently, no one’s winning. We both lost. We both lost what’s supposed to be a beautiful interaction just because we couldn’t accept and understand. It was supposed to be an amazing piece of art yet, it failed as what some of our diplomats promised.
I held the letter as I watched how the train in front of my academe journeyed from one point to another. With that, I settled that no matter how far the process or duration will go, there will be a time that everything will fall down to the baseline and start again. As for me, love is a drug that will make every situation better. For some it is not an immediate treatment but we must remember that sometimes it takes time to be effective and for its peak to be showcased. Love is a drug that is meant to treat what causes the problem, it may be palliative and show a little effect to some, but it’s better to give it to the right person, at the right place, right time, and right dosage.
I loved that person, and it’s hard for me to let that individual go. But as what I’ve said in the previous paragraphs, as a generator of pain, it’ll be better for me to walk away, since talks are not effective anymore and I will surely cause more and more agony as time passes by. Maybe I deserved to be called as such, maybe not. I might be an immature to the eyes of one who’s hurt, but I believe it’s for the best of both sides, maybe I’m wrong, again, maybe I’m right. Love is not supposed to be administered when you are not sure in the first place. Maybe we’re just confused of our feelings, kind of a bit overwhelmed, and maybe it’s too early to decide on things, that the primary solution is just to watch and wait. Maybe we should try to prioritize things that really matters as of now, and maybe these tears that I shed right now are just an indication that I should move forward, accept, understand and go on to my real goal.
I do hope though that relief will soon come across that person’s shore. And if hatred continues to fuel the anger inside that person’s heart, I pray for quick healing and balance. I am quite a douche bag for what I did. I hurt somebody and that will forever be tattooed on that person’s mind and heart.
As medical students, it’s not healthy for us to fall in love while inside the academe. Time, actions, efficiency, contraindications and suitability are the important points to know for you to handle a good, and long lasting relationship.
As for the movie “Awakenings,” I loved it. I hope the department will conduct more film showings soon. It inspired not just me, but also my classmates to aspire and go beyond the limits when it comes to the field of medicine because we are sure that there’s a lot of new information out there waiting to be discovered. In the field of Pharmacology, there are instances that we have to know what are the advantages and disadvantages of a certain drug. It will help us determine and balance if it is worth the administration or not to a patient of a certain disease.
Principles of informed consent and the amazing process of clinical trial was also highlighted in the film. It showcased also that previous studies are vital to the discovery of new drugs or its effects to certain diseases.
This is my reaction paper for the movie Awakenings in correlation to our subject Clinical Pharmacology here in Medschool. So yeah, it was supposed to be a 2 paragraph reflection about the film, but I guess I got carried away..
