SG Political Humour

[vladysjokes-blog]

Kenneth the dud

What is the difference between Tavia Yeung and the leader of the Reform Party? A : Tavia Yeung feeds her son using her duds. The leader of the Reform Party calls himself the son of a dud.

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Bearded Lady

Kenneth was suing a prostitute for fraud and emotional distress after it turned out that "she" was really a "he". Defense attorney: "At what point did you discover that my client was really a man?" Kenneth: "I had stripped naked and climbed into bed. She did a slow striptease in front of me. Her back was turned towards me when she removed her panties. When she turned around I saw that she had male genitalia. That was when I called off the transaction." Defense attorney: "You mean that before that you had absolutely no idea that my client is really male?" Kenneth: "Nope, none whatsoever." Defense attorney: "You mean to say that you didn't know my client is male even though he has a beard?"

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Drunk Vlady + Photoshop part 5 : Rebecca Lim the horny rabbit 

This was requested by me. He should have photoshopped 4 baby rabbits into the picture as Rebecca is a horny rabbit who wants to give birth to 4 kids. 

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Drunk Vlady + Photoshop part 4 : Zorro Frog

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Drunk Vlady + Photoshop part 3 : Panda 

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Drunk Vlady + Photoshop part 2 : Demon Pig

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Drunk Vlady + Photoshop part 1 : Dog 

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Happy birthday Vlady!

I wanted to make a joke about him but I got too pissed off. Reason? None of your business.

[vladysjokes-blog]

What Do You Think?

A teacher read out the following passage:

"One bright sunny morning in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf police man who heard the noise,

Came and killed the two dead boys."

"Now, what's wrong with this passage?" she asked the class. "Anybody? What about you?" she said, pointing to a young boy who would one day grow up to become a very prominent military officer turned politician.

The boy replied: "What do you think?"

(The whole poem is wrong and does not make sense but only the MORON mentioned in this joke can't see it because he is a complete and utter idiot.)

[vladysjokes-blog]

Peanuts

  woody woodpecker & family were having dinner in a Chinese restaurant. As is always the case, a plateful of steamed peanuts was placed on the table. woody counted the peanuts; there was about 100 of them on the plate. The family enjoyed their meal. However, when the bill came, they had the shock of their lives. "How can our bill be THIS high?" woody thundered. "I demand to see your manager" he said. The manager came. "What seems to be the problem?" she asked. woody answered: "Explain this bill. This seems to be a clearcut case of overcharging." The manager replied: "Actually, as a gesture of goodwill we gave everything else you ate to you for free including the 2 bottles of XO brandy. This is for the peanuts alone. As you know, you DID say that 1 peanut is worth $600,000/- before, so 100 peanuts will cost you $60,000,000/-".

[vladysjokes-blog]

Rainbowhead's Accident

A CEO of a processed food company, who was a former CEO of a major public transport company met with a fatal accident while inspecting the plant. Due to a communication breakdown, the accident went unreported for several hours. By that time the company's popular meat buns had gone into production and delivery. Inspector: "Why did it take you guys so long to report the acc

ident?" Plant manager: "You have to understand, we have several different races and nationalities in the plant and not all of them can speak English well." Inspector: "What first alerted you to the accident?" Plant manager: "Our roast pork buns tasted much better than usual so we decided to see why it worked so well. That was when we discovered several strands of multicolored hair in the chopped meat filling and sounded the alarm." Inspector: "So how did this accident happen?" Plant manager: "The CEO slashed our maintenance budget so badly we had to use cable-ties instead of nuts and bolts to secure the panels. Well the cable-ties couldn't take the vibratory load from the meat grinder and caused the panel to come off." Inspector: "But she fell into the grinder, not get caught in the machine gears..." Plant manager: "I know, but she was being carried around on her sedan chair as usual at the time of the accident, and the panel tripped one of the sedan bearers and caused him to lose balance and fall. That in turn caused her to fall into the meat grinder."

[vladysjokes-blog]

Warning : Major Gas Ahead

Clark was feeling hungry. For some strange reason, he had a terrible craving for beer and Mexican food, neither of which he had consumed in a very long time. And nor could he even remember why either, only that he knew he hadn't had it for a very long time even though it tastes good. Ah heck, it's lunch time and the popular Maria's Cantina was just across the street, so he might as well indulge in

 his craving. Back at the Daily Planet office after lunch, he began to remember why he hadn't eaten it in a very long time. Unable to hold it in any longer, he let loose. His boss Perry White came storming in a couple of seconds later. "KENT!" he yelled. "WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN THAT BEER AND MEXICAN FOOD ALWAYS GIVES YOU GAS????!!!!" Clark reflected ruefully. There were certain downsides to being Superman. For one thing, his farts were super stinky and they were powerful enough to knock down walls and even buildings, as his dazed and bemused colleagues knew all too well as they looked around with dismay at their office building's blown out walls and smashed windows.

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Together Forever

A couple suspected each other on cheating on themselves so both decided to lay a trap for each other. The man spike his wife's KY jelly with superglue while the woman spiked her husband's condom with itching powder. Each unaware of what the other had done, they pretended to have a passionate evening together. Doctors are trying to separate them as the superglue in the KY jelly had glued the husband inside his wife while the itching powder had made him so itchy that he couldn't stop using his wife's cut to scratch his dick.

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Dog Whistle

A mp was conducting a walkabout to raise support for his pet project, the Singapore Food Museum. Along the way, he saw 2 boys playing with a dog. While speaking to some residents, the mp and his entourage suddenly covered their ears and grimaced in pain. “What’s wrong?” a concerned resident asked. “Can’t you hear it, that very loud shrill whistling sound?” the mp said. “No” replied all the residents. “There it goes again” said the mp as he and his entourage grimaced in pain again. Across the street, the 1st boy asked his friend: “How did you call Baey Baey here? I didn’t hear you calling or whistling for him.” The 2nd boy replied: “By using this, my new dog whistle. It produces a very loud shrill whistling sound so high pitched that only dogs can hear it.”

[vladysjokes-blog]

How much do you want?

A mp held his mps. 1st resident: “My family has been eating only 1 meal every 3 days ever since my wife and I lost our jobs to foreigners. Can you please provide us with enough money for 3 meals a day?” Mp: “And how much do you want? Do you want to eat your 3 meals a day in a hawker center, a food court or a restaurant? Next!” 2nd resident: “My new prc neighbors are really noisy. All day long they scream at one another or sing karaoke loudly even past 3 am.” Mp: “And how quiet do you expect your home to be, hospital quiet, library quiet or graveyard quiet? NEXT!” After his mps, the mp left for home. He was walking alongside a PUB work site when an Indian worker accidentally bumped into him causing him to fall into a sewer. He crawled out, messy, smelly and totally infuriated. He saw the 2 men who approached him for help earlier. “Hey, I need some help here.” The 2 men retorted: “And what sort of help do you need, an ambulance call, a trip to a polyclinic or a trip to the hospital? NEXT!”

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Money Money Money

A politician who loved dressing up as Zorro and counting the zeroes on his financial statements suffered a stroke and went into a coma for several years. One day, he woke up from his coma unexpectedly. The first thing he did was to ask the nurse to get him his stock portfolio report. The nurse duly obliged. The politician read his portfolio report eagerly. It read $20,000,000/-. “Wah, I got 7 zeroes in my portfolio. I feel so rich…” he gloated. He asked the nurse for a phone because he wanted to call his broker to liquidate his portfolio. The nurse handed him a phone. “Operator, can I assist you?” he heard. “Yes, I want you to call this number” he replied. “Alright sir, please deposit $900,000,000/- for the first 3 minutes” the operator chirped…