※ MORE SHIT I HEARD AT COLLEGE ※
a thrilling saga of shit i’ve heard at college, continued; these are all from my second semester of sophomore year. feel free to change names/pronouns/etc.! more ‘shit i heard/said’ starters!
“I’m gonna be playing Spanish Sims.”
“Why do they need my middle fucking initial?”
“Just support me as a friend!”
“I don’t care if you think I’m being whiny as fuck, because I probably am, but still.”
“Scandal: professors are people.”
“We’re fucking men here, we have full-sized Rice Krispy Treats.”
“I ate a lot of yogurt, I had great digestive health.”
“There’s a shoe in the kitchen…?”
“I don’t really eat meat, but I’d fuck with some Chick-Fil-A.”
“I could write a whole thesis on how men ain’t shit.”
“I actually started an illegal gambling ring, once.”
“You called me a raging bitch yesterday, so…”
“I’m so lazy, I don’t want to do anything – ooh! fidget spinner!”
“What the fuck do I look like, Cracker Barrel?”
“Fix my flatbread motherfucking pizzas!”
“Did I tell you the bread story?”
“These fancy rats don’t like crust on their bread.”
“I said that’s not gonna happen again, and it happened two more times.”
“He’s seducing this nice lady.”
“My sheets are still pink. Will anyone know why? The answer is no.”
“Why would you lick a Bible?”
“If it makes you feel better, I won’t kill you and bring you back to life.”
“I don’t cuddle my box of tampons on the beach with my white dress and my white bikini.”
“Now I know where to hide my dead body.”
“I was a bigger fan than you, sorry to break it to you, suck my ass.”
“His hair looks like french fries.”
“Wow, that’s not very delicious, it tastes like sand.”
“I have simultaneously the best and worst idea ever.”
“This man’s dick just won the Super Bowl.”
“Groutfits are the future of this generation, don’t at me.”
“It smells like poots in here.”
“I just had this horrifying vision of dropping my Chipotle.”
“I didn’t want lettuce, I wanted guacamole…! I mixed them up in my head… now I’m pissed.”
“I’ve just been here for a really long time.”
“You think I want his hand up my butt right now?”
“Queso doesn’t belong, even though queso always belongs.”
“I thought I got a 100 but I got a 33.”
“I wonder if the ice is slippery.”
“The only ticket I’ve ever gotten was from a bicycle cop.”
“Muffin men stay there for muffin conventions.”
“I just paid a stranger $10 to paint my tits, happy Mardi Gras.”
“I cut my finger on a chainsaw, but it’s fine.”
“You’re so optimistic, and I’m, like, dying.”
“Get off of that zebra, young woman.”
“My parents didn’t let me watch the Teletubbies because they thought I’d be brainwashed.”
“Did you just say swag? You just imploded your whole argument.”
“He’s perfect in every way, he loves the Lord, except the Lord is Satan.”
“I have a problem with authority.”
“I don’t make these rules. Nuns make these rules.”
“The only things in that town were a movie theater and a pecan store, and we’d already been to the pecan store.”
“Be right back, I have to go fight a war. Should only take a few hours, though.”
“If you put purple on anything smelly, it’s lavender.”
“I can’t see, you can’t hear, and what can’t Jess do…? Math.”
“Are you shitting me? They called at 10 o’clock to say the dog has diarrhea?”
“I’m gonna punch a child.”
“I’m stressed, I’m stressed, I’m so fucking stressed (hell yeah).”
“Who the fuck is in Mountain Time? Utah? Dakota, North and South?”
“She’s a certified side hoe.”
“There’s no crying in the club. Fortunately for me, this is not the club.”
“I asked the void to rate me on a scale of one to ten.”
“Oh, no… don’t defile the fruit…”
“Did you just call a hospital a medical salon?”
“That sad moment when you’re bleeding to death and you can’t eat peanut butter crackers.”
“They called me the flea, I ran so fast.”
“Today, instead of carrying a plastic fork with my Lysol, it’s a napkin. We’ve changed secondary weapons.”
“I injured myself snapping too violently.”
“Don’t be alarmed, but has anyone seen my gun?”
“My whole life, I’ve always thought that those orange strips in salad was cheese. Turns out, it’s been carrots this whole time.”
“Jesus is one, he’s two.”
“Science is dead now. No more science.”
“I mean, you could also, theoretically, have sex in the woods.”
“I just wanna make movies and cry.”
“Hi, I’m depressed, but my name is David.”
“I thought there was one… turns out that there’s five.”
“My name is Kathy, I’m a pissed off soccer mom, why is my child not starting? I paid all this money.”
“We could all bring cardboard cutouts of ourselves, and it wouldn’t be the same.”
“I’m five. Six on a good day.”
“I can’t catch a break – everything just breaks.”
“I strive to be the best-smelling person people know.”
“I did a push-up yesterday.”
“Not to be dramatic, but I’d rather die than walk across campus.”
“Y’all look like scary-ass nuns.”
“Wait, that’s not in Hamlet.”
“Our lord and savior is Nicolas Cage, fuckers. Get it right.”
“It’s always tracksuit weather.”
“I owe you either an Icee or my firstborn, whichever you’d prefer.”
“Okay, Black Panther characters, let’s see. We’ve got T’Challa. We’ve got… bad T’Challa.”
“Without sororities, the glitter industry would’ve been dead years ago.”
“Honeymoon is just a nicer way to say fuckfest.”
“Oh my god, someone wants my drugs.”
“I was driving here to take this exam, and a car accident happened right in front of me and almost hit me, and I almost wanted it to hit me so I didn’t have to take this exam.”
“He has the emotional range of a teaspoon.”
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