Heavy Lies The Crown

To sleep, perchance to dream

[voidworker]

When I’m at peace, I try to think about what’s bothering me and what makes me feel sad. I never figure it out.

I feel like I’m at the point in my life where I understand most things. The concept of humanity and how of a shit creature we truly are.

Life is absurd and life is unfair and yet I am still disappointed when I am faced with a true example of this. Theoretically I am aware, it looks like I am not emotionally built to withstand it.

I am deeply hurt when this is coming from the people I love. The continuous deceit, selfishness and manipulation. Growing up, I am free to voice out how I feel but that doesn’t mean I will be heard - I was never heard.. until now. 

It doesn’t matter even if I became older with wisdom. My battle scars doesn’t prove anything either. The frequency where my voice sits in will never be heard and this pains me so dearly whenever I think of that.

I will never get what I deserve, emotionally. Things that are outside of my control but somebody else’s.. I only have the power to fix myself and impress myself. This existence won’t matter to anybody even when I’m gone.

When I speak, nobody listens. When I scream, everyone trembles. When I’m silent, nobody cares.

[voidworker]

I’m back

It’s been a year and I am certain that a lot of things changed but I still feel the same way.

[weltenwellen]

Tony Hoagland, from “Peaceful Transition”, What Narcissism Means to Me

[voidworker]

This August has been like a gulf-a deep breath before the release of everything in a wild effort. Provence, and something closing up within me. Provence like a woman leaning on my shoulder.

[voidworker]

I want to heal but this time without anybody’s help and seeking their approval and validation.

I’m doing this because I want to live and I’ve been in hell for too long..

[consecuences]

[voidworker]

Nothing written for so long. Begin tomorrow. Otherwise I shall again get into a prolonged, irresistible dissatisfaction; I am really in it already. The nervous states are beginning. But if I can do something, then I can do it without superstitious precautions.

[shisasan]

𝙹𝚞𝚕𝚢 𝟷𝟶, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟸 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣 𝙺𝚊𝚏𝚔𝚊, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺-𝟷𝟿𝟸𝟹

[ID: July 10. Pain. END ID]

[voidworker]

That burning feeling when you realize you're just a tiny cosmic dust surrounded by nothingness.

I hate the feeling of solitude. Being surrounded by vacuum. Screaming silently where sound does not exist and no one could hear you suffering in silence, longing for someone to be there for you. Perhaps I'm expecting too much.

Then I realized I've always survived being alone. Being an island without an ocean. Being an earth without its sun. Being a kanin without an ulam.

I'm stronger than this.

[voidworker]

I WANNA JUST BURN

[voidworker]

Time

I lived again for just a moment. Missing pieces found me and I’m whole again until the morning comes.

[voidworker]

Long night..

It hasn’t been exactly easy lately. It’s like being caught in a violent whirlwind.

One day I’ll be extremely happy, drowning in the next second, dying the next. I’ll find myself alive again and then drown. I can’t even express it well enough.

it just feels like you’re drowning without running out of air. It’s sempiternal. 

[voidworker]

I find myself getting lost in this void again.

I barely made it out alive and barely made it out as well. In fact, I realized I never really made it out.

[voidworker]

I feel shackled to the darkness. There are times that I just want to hang myself and just unchain myself from all of this but there's a little glimmer of light that keeps me from sinking too far - my kids.

But most of the time, I just want to come home.. To wherever I really came from. The void, the stars, or nothingness.

KMCE

[voidworker]

All the king's horses and all the king's men have been sent to put this boy back together again. But somehow, He must have been predicting the fall.

[voidworker]

I don't feel anything

[datable]