Hi guys, so this isn’t really much of an announcement, but more of an update of what’s been going on and why I haven’t been on as much as I used to be. It’s really personal so if you’re not in the mood to read this type of stuff right now or if you’re just some random internet troll, be respectful and just move on, please. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a good 4 years now. We’ve known each other for 5 years, but the first year we were simply just best friends. I’d like to think we have a pretty long history with each other. We’ve went through a lot of up’s and down’s and what-not, but this year is the biggest downer I’ve ever had to face.
He’s moving all the way to Norway and within 2 months. The move is sudden, but it’s what his mother wants to do, so now his entire family is having to deal with moving and packing everything under such a short time.
So there’s a lot on my boyfriend’s plate right now. With that said, he’s so busy with packing, his family, and handling the last bits of work he has to do for school before leaving, he has virtually no time at all to see me. It’s already been 2 months since he’s really hung out with me. It’s really been straining my relationship with him. Of course, being his girlfriend I would want to spend time with him before he leaves (and not to mention he’s leaving so soon and abruptly, at that) and 2 months is a long time of not seeing someone....especially when they live 10 minutes away from you by walking....
So like I said, there’s a lot on his plate right now. He has a lot to do before leaving and he just doesn’t have time for anything now. I do not want to go into details about it (at least, maybe not right now) but he and I have not been on the best of terms since this all began.
Now last night was probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard from him though. I understand the prsesure of having to move to a new country, not knowing anyone, not knowing the language, and of course, leaving out of nowhere. This is his first time ever doing anything like this and he’s told me before about how anxieous he was about the entire ordeal. However, what he said last night was something I wasn’t expecting to hear out of him ...
I’m not sure what I said, but over the phone, I think I triggered him because he began to tell about how all he wants to do is go far away and be away from everyone. He wants to be alone and not have to talk to anyone. He’s tired of people, having to talk to people, having to deal with people, having to intereact with people. He absolutely hates it. He went on to tell me that he felt like everyone is just so fake and puts up a mask. “No one is the same. They change for each person they talk to”, as he would say. He hates it.
Once he began to tell me this, I immediately began to cry. When I had first met him, the very reason I reached out to him, was began I found him sitting alone at the school’s library, feeling lonely and sad. The moment I saw him there I knew I wanted to be his friend. It’s hard to explain WHY I felt this way, but I just knew that I didn’t want him to feel so alone and sad and I wanted to be the one to make him happy.
So when he began to tell me this, I began to cry. It’s like after all these years, I never noticed how sad he still was. I felt horrible because he was telling me the first thing we ever really talked about and the fact that he still felt this way, after all this time, made me feel horrible.
I asked him, when he said he wanted to be away from everyone, if that included me, and he said yes. I felt absolutely heartbroken, but I allowed him to go on because if anything, this was probably the first time since sophmore year of high school (when we met) that he’s expressed himself this way to anyone.
So he continued to tell me about how he woke up every morning feeling empty, like there’s something missing or void in him. He wouldn’t want to get out of bed, but only did so by pushing himself off it. He would gritt his teeth when facing people and tell himself to just “get on with it already” ... including some of the times he’s kissed me.
He didn’t always feel that way. Sometimes he’d wake up feeling empty or angy while other day he’d actually wake up happy. He told me that it comes and goes, but he hated it. He hated the way he felt. He hated the fact that he feels so empty. He hates that he hates talking to people. He hates how he feels. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s sick and tired of what he feels and it’s slowly driving him crazy. He knew that something was wrong with him while we were dating. He said every now and then, but he didn’t know what to do.
It was so hard to listen. All I could do is listen. The sound of his voice was just so hard to listen to. I could hear it all. The saddness, the frustration, the emptiness, the lonliness --- all began to seep out with each of his sobs. I wanted so desperately to hug him. I felt myself curling into a ball because I knew I couldn’t do anything. All I could do is listen to him cry.
I felt so helpless and useless. I wanted to do something for him so badly. I kept calling out to him as he cried, hoping that I could somehow comfort him with words when I couldn’t physically do so with a hug.
Eventually I told him that what he was feeling was depression. I told him that he needs to go see a professional. I’m not a professional and as much as I would have loved to help him, I couldn’t do it myself or at least, not alone. His only answer to my plea was “okay”.
I told him I loved him and he responded, “I don’t know why you would.” I don’t remember what I said word for word, but I made sure he understand that his depression was not ever going to chase me away or make me love him any less. I love him unconditionally, flaws and all, and as his best friend, I told him I would never leave him alone, especially during a time like this. I told him that even as a friend, I’d stay loyal and be by his side. I never want him to feel so empty, sad, or alone.
The depression was still eating at him though. He interuppted me and told me, “I think you really did make me happy at some point”. I asked, “but not anymore?” and his response was another yes.
I didn’t mind. Not at the moment. I was more-so afraid at the idea of him being depressed, stressed out by everything, and not mention, him being alone once he moves out to Norway.
The last bit of our conversation is blur to me at the moment. I just remember all I was trying to do was assure him that I loved him anyway and that he truly needed to get some help with his depression, professionally.
I know I don’t have the best story telling skills and this entire post seems so damn random and out of order, but I ... I’m not so sure what to do.
I’m afraid for my boyfriend and his sitaution. He sounds so severly depressed and he doesn’t have enough time left in the US to get help.
I don’t know. I’m truly sorry if this seems like a giant ramble. My head is just kind of all over the place right. At least you know why I haven’t been on lately.
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