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Words in Progress

My father died February 18. I arrived unknown and unannounced to the funeral in Virginia February 23.

I went because ultimately I thought it the right thing to do. I also went because that was my last chance before it being a 100% shoulda-woulda-coulda. The last time we spoke I was in my late teens; the last time I saw him was my 6th birthday. Parts of it were because of him, parts of it were because of me. It’s a blessing he died. He was very active.. riding his motorcycle, hunting, fishing, always working on something, or working with horses. As time marched forward, he got to be in real bad shape, practically wheelchair bound from injuries and living a hard life. He had a bilat stroke last year and that made things worse. My mom said he never complained about any of it whenever they spoke. He apparently was having TIA’s since his bilat stroke and the family was surprised he lasted as long as he did. I can only imagine the quality of life he didn’t have. 

My mother told me a story about him in the recent years: his parents/my grandparents bought him a laptop. He’d use it -- or try to use -- at the library. One day his legs gave out and he fell. The laptop broke, too, and he never bothered getting it replaced. That story breaks my heart.

I don’t think I regret not ever visiting him for me, but maybe I should have for him -- which was also a deciding factor for going to the funeral: not completely abandoning him. And now that I think about it, I realize small things. The most recent thing I’ve been wrapping my head around is he doesn’t have a voice anymore. I have a memory of his voice from 14 years ago, but now there is literally nothing. I also feel pangs of guilt because I know now of how alone he was, although he had Mary. I chose to never see him because they were based on a selfish motivation. Now, I assume, but confident I know, he died while still wondering where I am. Despite who he was and his shortcomings, I’ve always known he loved me and wanted the best for me. I feel parts of this highlight how dumb people are in actuality: things like pride, ego, etc getting in the way. I don’t know the solution, but I feel that’s the lesson in that somewhere. 

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Wow the whole lot of guys who were on your grab call got the

Medal of gallentry - u did not - very confused and pretty disgusted - so ridiculous

A homie on politics.

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Tech Support

Last set we had a thirteen-year-old girl hang herself. Her family was hysterical and her sister’s boyfriend was doing mouth-to-mouth CPR when we got there. We worked her for twenty or so minutes with asystole, called for a field pronouncement, got PEA, and then decided to transport her since there was now a small chance. The hospital worked her for another twenty before calling it. If she did survive, what state would she be in? It doesn’t bother me, per se. What bothers me is the loss. What made her want to kill herself? What was so horrible? The poor guy stepped up and is forever left with that baggage, her sister lost her - her family lost her, her friends lost her. If she was in school, Monday would be telling classes what happened or something along those lines. Maybe someone lost their crush - a person they were looking forward to seeing - over the weekend? So much loss.

After work, I went to the 9/11 firefighter stair climb and it made me start thinking of the guys who died and the guys who died or were maimed overseas, including those I know. Tonight, unintentionally continuing that, I read about Sgt Merlin German and it tugged at the heart strings some more. Goodnight, moon.

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“You are an exceptional man and the exactly the kind I want to end up with. If things never work out here, come to D.C.”

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I have recently found this song has a calming effect on me. 

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“Sergeant XXXXXXX has proven to be an invaluable asset throughout a six-month workout and subsequent deployment. His outstanding performance in a billet usually assigned to an officer speaks of the potential this Marine Possesses. Highly recommended for a commissioning program.” I never thought a performance review would mean something to me. I don’t have any pictures with you; this is all I have. You were one of the best leaders I have ever had. No one worked for you; we all worked with you. You genuinely cared for us all and kept the standards high, but not unattainable. We would follow you anywhere. The Marine Corps lost a leader amongst leaders, but what you taught us will live on. See you in Arlington; ‘til Valhalla.

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It's strange that I fear dying of cancer (#1 killer of firefighters) more than being shot or blown up. I think I mentally equate cancer to dying on my back/knees.

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House fire with a good save. Heard dude is doing fine at the hospital. On scene, fire out, and victim in yard in under 15 minutes from tones. Word. 

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We decided to do a taco tuesday tour for Valentine’s Day. At our final destination, I saw someone that looked like you when we were in love with each other. My heart skipped a beat. It could’ve been you. Everything was you. She even played with her thick, straight, long ponytail tossed over her left shoulder like you do. It’s funny: I prefer taller women, but you’re 5′4 and it’s perfect to me. Your doppleganger may have been 5′6? I briefly let my mind wander that this could be us all these years later: married, in love, happy, and eating tacos together on Valentine’s Day. I know you still love me. I heard it with the urgency in your voice when you offered to drive from Florida to the funeral. I’m so incredibly sorry I can’t be that person for you anymore.

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I’ve always talked about visiting my dad at some point before it becomes a “shoulda, woulda, coulda.” This was in the context of of death. It turns out he either had a bilateral stroke or something neuro go down (dont know the whole story; previous spinal injury). The only thing affected is his short-term memory. I have to laugh because I never considered that happening. It also has inserted a questioned sense of urgency. Should I visit him soon before/if things get worse? Will he even remember me visiting? I have the same concerns but now they are multiplied with the potential of altered mental. My mom says it would mean the world to him, but to prepare for him trying to tell me what to do, etc. This leads me to question do I need to do this now to learn something concerning pride, ego, and/or patience?

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John Henry Giles: [to House] I know that limp. I know the empty ring finger. And that obsessive nature of yours, that's a big secret. You don't risk jail and your career to save somebody doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything... one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they ain't got that one thing that, that hits them that hard and that true. I got music. You got this. The thing you think about all the time. Thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great. Makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else. No woman waiting at home after work with a drink and a kiss; that ain't gonna happen for us.

[wnq-anonymous]

Give yourself something to look forward to that isn’t a person.

Anonymous  (via hexaneandheels)

[shaytardstuff]

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I have a lot on my mind, but I don’t even know where to begin. I had lunch with a friend yesterday who is going through something similar. She made the observation that I don’t know how to live without chaos being a part of it. She was right.

In other news, the first interview went so well the next two interviews were skipped and I was emailed all the non- agreements for Kurdistan. I also had to turn down a short-term consulting gig in Canada relating to the fires due to work schedule. 

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This is very late but you do a good job at your analysis of the topic which saves the assignment from failing. Good work.

Turned in an assignment ridiculously late. I got a C when I should have unquestionably received an F.

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Crushed first interview for going out to the sandbox again. Guy is usual team leader, but taking back seat next cycle and I definitely have his vote to be on the team. He wants me to teach and do security. Two more interviews to go.