It’s been a very, very long time since I’ve posted on this account, but I suppose it’s a fine time to start back up. Always nice to have an outlet of sorts, because sometimes I feel so stupid trying to talk about anything to real life humans. People are so judgmental or fail to comprehend what it is you’re saying! At least I think if I write things out, even if no one cares at all, I feel better. Anyway, hi. So some really stupid things have happened recently. Not even stupid, honestly. But I say stupid because that’s the only word that I can use that semi-describes my feelings about them. But let’s start with the good.
I got my second big promotion in less than a year. I got promoted to Women’s Manager at my work, which is a huge deal. I’ve told a bunch of people and now everyone at work knows, too. In September, I had been promoted to Senior Team Lead, which somehow garnered a huge response and this promotion has garnered a less than huge response. That’s fine because I’m thrilled, but also very scared and worried that I won’t do well. That’s not good for me to worry about, because I’m an extremely dedicated and hard worker. Just this week, I stayed an hour late and also came in on a day I had off to finish the previous day’s work. I’m salaried now instead of hourly, so it really makes no difference. I’m worried because I want to do so well and make sure I wasn’t put in this position for no reason. My two bosses know how hard I work though, and they seem pretty confident that I was the one to put here, so I just have to believe I’ll do well the way they believe I’ll do well. It’s a lot more responsibility, and maybe I’m also worried that I’m going to work myself too hard and wear myself into the ground. I’ll have to be careful. I think I delve head first into my job because it’s a good way to distract myself from my own personal issues. I’ve kind of grown up being told all I had to offer were my looks, so this is a way for me to see that I’m a lot more than that. Hard to do, I won’t lie. I don’t even like my looks much, but I do like my work ethic a lot and my dedication. I think I’m a good worker. I like where I work a lot. I can’t imagine working anywhere else.
I also got a cat. His name is Aldo. I named him after Lt. Aldo Raine from “Inglourious Basterds”, my favorite movie of all time. He’s wild and also very sweet and cuddly. I get lonely a lot at my apartment, but having a pet has helped with that. I like having a living thing to love and that loves me too, probably. I’ve also found that pets kind of rationalize my way of thinking about food and keeping myself healthy. It makes it a lot less foreign, if that makes sense. He’s a peach and I’m so happy to have him.
Speaking of, one of my friends tossed me out of her life because she says I’m toxic, among other things. These other things being “self-absorbed, mean, cold, stuck up, and hateful”. I don’t agree with most of that, and after some talk with Chris he also didn’t agree with a lot of it. He’ll tell me straight up what I’m like, too, so that helps. I mean, yes I probably am self-absorbed, but not in the narcissistic way. In a self-deprecating way, yes. I’m too aware of me. How I look, how I sound, how I speak, etc. It is a constant thing and I’m always focusing on aspects of myself and it makes me very anxious. I know I can come off as cold too, and I am an extremely guarded person. I’ve never been able to welcome people with arms wide open. It takes me a long time to trust and to feel comfortable being myself. With her, I never felt like I could entirely be myself and I definitely kept a guard up. I also still feel a lot of jealousy toward her because she and Chris are very close and even used to date. How could I not be? it’s a natural human reaction. Not that it matters at the moment. I also felt very intimidated by her. I felt like she was constantly judging me and I honestly felt like she only knew me because she felt an obligation to. So maybe it is better for both of us. I always felt a lot of anxiety around her and like I was constantly being overshadowed. Maybe it was a poor perception on my part, but I can’t help how I feel and this is how I felt. I have a very hard time maintaining relationships with people I feel unlike myself around. There are very few people I have come across that stir that in me, but she was one. Usually I don’t feel jealous around people. I don’t even really compare myself to others that much, except with her I was constantly comparing, comparing, comparing. Every little thing, and it made me so sad all the time because I felt like I could NEVER compare. I don’t know what it was. But for now, I think this is good.
Last, I’m way deep back into my eating disorder, which I never intended to happen. No one ever intends for it to happen. Something flipped the switch again. It’s a thin line to walk. You straddle the switch and somehow keep it in place and then the most minor thing can make it too strong. I feel like a lost cause. I feel very guilty to do this to the people who love and care about me, and I know it hurts to watch someone starve themselves to death. Even though I know I have a problem and I frequently wonder how much longer my body is going to last, it’s a daunting idea to try to reverse it. I don’t know that you can, really. I always think of Alice in Wonderland. Falling down the rabbit hole. But I also realize I absolutely do not want to die. I want to live a normal life as much as I can, and I want to be happy and be able to do all the things that make me happy without an eating disorder getting in the way. I notice I said “my” eating disorder, and I hate that. I don’t want it to be “mine”. I don’t want it to be a part of who I am because that makes it even harder to let go. It honestly feels like its own entity, like something attached to me that I carry around every day. Like a gross thing that’s attached to me constantly. Initially, I was going to start going to therapy for it because Chris kept asking me to and pushing me to, even though I didn’t want to. But now that a few months have passed, I think it is time. I can’t keep having breakdowns and so much internal hatred every day. It’s debilitating. I know for a fact I have so much to offer and it can’t come across because I’m letting anorexia control every facet of my life. It’s not fair to me, because I don’t deserve this. No one does. The people I love don’t deserve this. I will never have a good life if I do this forever. Forever won’t even be long at this point. I really don’t want to die, and I’m afraid I’m going to. I have so much I want to do and places I want to go. I am an incredibly smart and talented woman, and no one can ever see that side of me when I’m locked in such a hell. I’m afraid of gaining weight, and that goes back to my fear of not being liked if I’m not physically attractive enough. But am I even that attractive when I’m so clearly sick? I’m very much a mess right now. I mean, I’m very good when it comes to having a good job and paying my bills on time and being responsible, but mentally I’m a mess. And I want to be good and put together all around. So I’m going to do this, finally for my sake. Or at least start making an effort toward finally loosening this tight grip for good. When I knew I was falling back again, I also realized this would be the absolute last time it would happen, and I knew by last it meant I would either die or actually never fully relapse again. I’m not going to let myself die, so I guess it’s the latter.
