Perhaps she had just paused too long, cues were hard for her to pick up on, but it allowed her to mull over his words in the silence between their exchange. She felt calm around him, which that in of itself was an oddity that Heather had not had in quite some time. In fact, the only time she could recall feeling this way was around her old team.. her old family.
Could she be fixed? An idealistic dream in her reality, for who else could step up to decipher her language? Learning theirs was growing easier by the day, sure, but she still had a long road ahead of her until she could be considered human.Â
Then, he began speaking again, her attention moving from the trees to his features quickly. Yes, she did know she did not suffer alone; in her eyes it was all the more reason to remain silent, someone who was not living that Nightmare outside the Walls was better left quiet. Her throat grows dry at the word he speaks, the same that repeats in her head.
In Death, In Life, Family Remains.
Is that what you meant, Benedict?
ââŚIt would be selfish of me to think I am alone in losing someone close to me. I was merely.. trying.. to be thoughtful of my peers pain. I did not intend to be a cause for concern.â There is a pause, and her gaze drifts away from him temporarily. You donât have to face this alone.
â... It is difficult to explain in itâs entirety..â She couldnât do this alone. âMy father sold my brother and I into slavery at around two after killing our mother, I vaguely recall the details of that time. I was left in a cage for years, I was not allowed to speak, and as long as my brother fought to advertise his value I would not be harmed. By the time we were free, it was estimated that we were ten, and I could only speak three words. I attacked anyone that grew too close, and clung onto my brother.â Why explain this? To give him an idea of how deeply rooted this was. âI have many difficulties expressing my true intentions and emotions, so I do not know exactly how to interact with everyone. Humans have such strange habits and feelings, I donât know when I canâŚâ Tell people I need help.Â
âHow does one.. cope with killing another human being? When I was younger, they were just.. obstacles, but now as I grow older I know that they were once loved and treasured by another as well. I do not regret my decision to kill those that kept us captive, but I cannot explain this emotion I feel when I see them in my dreams.â Her left hand lifted, gripping the residual limb while she started to tense.
âAnd.. what is the word.. for watching those that are your world sacrifice themselves to save you? If I was just smarter and faster..â She hadnât realized it yet, but despite her monotone features, her eyes were welling up quickly. The questions she was too afraid to ask were now out in the air, and it felt like theyâd suffocate her.
The demons were right over her shoulders now, and their faces were clear to her mindâs eye. It was her family.
âDonât be stupid, thatâs not what I meant by youâre not alone, brat.â Was she reading too much or too little into what he had said? Either way, that wasnât the direction he planned to take it. He just meant that she was suffering alone. Like no one was there that could help. She was drowning by herself when there were plenty around whoâve experienced loss that could help her. But, as he listened to Heather, he couldnât help but snort at her words.
âStrange or not, it is in human nature to help something injured. If you need help, you only need to ask. You donât have to know anyone, you donât have to get along with anyone... but everyone here is willing to help people go through that loss because we all know itâs not easy.â Everyone in the Scouts had lost at least one loved one so everyone here knew the pain that came with it. Levi had his own pains, what with losing his two closest friends.
âBystander?â He offers the term, but shakes his head and growls in frustration. âItâs hard coping with killing but even harder for death. Those that oppose you and what you think is right- to the point they want to kill you for it should be viewed as nothing more than enemies.â The only thing that still shocked Levi today was just how easy it was to kill one of his own kind.
âNow you shut up with that talk, you hear me? Stop doubting yourself. That is how you end up killing any hope you might have for the future, so snap out of it. Youâre good just as you are. He sacrificed himself it sounds, and you cannot do a thing about that. He was ready to die for you and Iâm sure he wouldnât want you feeling the way you do about yourself now.â Levi crosses his arms and blows some hair from his face.
âSo stop it. You wonât get very far anywhere if you keep tearing yourself down.â