@vviiniiee - Tumblr Blog

imsofuckingexcitedtoseeDINOBONES!!!!????(andotherthings)

#I love rocks #!!!!#EEEEEEEEEEE #and nature and past and stuff is so fucking cool !!!!#ive wanted to go forever!!! and now I get toooooooo!!! EEEEEEE #so close

lettersfromadreamgirl

can we just skip to the part where I’m about to marry the love of my life and I’m financially stable and happy & all this shit is behind me already

#I don't even /need/ the financially stable bit #I just want love and happy #plz #!!!!

mademoiseellllee

don't exhaust yourself chasing people who make you feel like a backup plan

#2 l8 #oh well #!!!!

vviiniiee

1111

#!!!!#I'm fine #completely normal

what does one do when they love someone and know it's not mutual... well, obviously you do your best to make sure they are happy and not pressured and you keep it all inside and do your best to just be whatever version of a person they want... because you realized that the more you care, the less he does... the more you love, the more hurt you end up... so when he leaves for work, you bite your tongue and don't dare say it (you almost say it and realize your sleepy ass almost sold you out...) but hey, the extra kisses he gives and the way he makes me feel special (even if I'm not...) makes it all worth it... at least I get to enjoy some of him... it's just so easy to "be" with him... and in a life where nothing else is easy... the way it feels to be with him... i wish I could tell the future... then I'd know how badly I'm just setting myself up to be hurt... or if somehow... it really is us in the end... a girl can dream...

#!!!!

vviiniiee

1221

my ask for today was to bring my damn ativan and to be a support person....

got neither!

#!!!!#what else did I expect

thoughtcascades

my standards are simple: don’t make my day heavier

vviiniiee

1212

vviiniiee

1234

luguuuu

imagine hating on me and i’m just in bed w my blankie

#and hello kitty and my cats !!!!

(she in fact had much to say... it was a matter of it being things he wouldn't want to hear, or things he doesn't need to...)

#!!!!#oh well #it's whatever and stuff it doesn't even matter

vviiniiee

555

is he suggesting doing all these things out of pity... or because he wants to do them with me?... and why does he want to do them with me?... all of the sudden? cause it'd be fun as friends?... or because it's like little dates we could do... but that's silly to assume any of them would be a date... i mean who wouldn't want to go to the zoo or have a little picnic or go to Royal tyrell together... it doesn't mean it's a date just cause I want it to be and because it would be cute if it was... so I can't read any of it as that... but like is he asking me because he wants /us/ to do things /together/ ? or is hoping /that/ just gonna get myself hurt again?... but then again ... He has referred to helping me if something happened with my place or us having a picnic but not this year cause ticks... it keeps making it sound like he'll be around... but I've been hopeful and hurt by things before... but I mean... he IS still around and in my life after all this time... but hey I mean... stuff is fun so maybe it's just that... but the stress of our fighting... maybe there is more he's holding on to too... or maybe I'm just setting myself up for failure again...

#on this morning's dilemma...#it's like he knows I am trying to gauge things... and so he does this... but yet...#every time I do that... I'm wrong... and get hurt...#!!!!#like I was confused before and he was completely rude of basically how dare I even think we were working it out or whatever...#like before he'll say he doesn't remember giving me any indication of a relationship or anything so it's all my fault when I end up hurt...#but rereading old messages hurts... one time we stopped talking and he said he was getting closure...#and that's exactly what I wanted but I didn't fucking believe him so I kept distance because I thought it was just bs...#like no.... all I want/wanted was you... I promise.... my brain though assumes good = bad and you must be lying #how much it hurts to know if I wasn't fucking dumb.... maybe we'd have been happily together for years now #and to know we may never happily be together....#it's okay... I didn't want to sleep that bad anyways I'm not that tired... I don't need to be held as I cry #where did you get that idea??? I'm completely cool and not sad at all man...#doesn't kill me every day at all #why would it ??!! ha... ha..#on one tag I meant closer #not closure.... but oh well...

it's not like he wants something real for real anyways ... and /that/ is why I will be keeping space while I attend my CBT and other appointments over the next while... I mean... am I in tears as I send messages acting like I can't jump at the opportunity to be with him...fuck yeah... because I can't... if it was something that was real to him, I would never be too tired or too busy to see him, he is my happy place... well... he's my happy place when I'm fooling myself that it's real to him too and that we are for forever... he's my happy place when it /feels/ real... then reality kicks in and I remember that stuff just doesn't work out how you imagine it in your head, no matter how hard you wish... and then everything hurts more and my brain can't help but fixate on stupid things that brought the situation to the point it is...

#!!!!#like... he's my best friend... and I kinda wish I could not love him the way I do because then we wouldn't be here...but I do...#but who knows maybe he's like this with all the women he's friends with... I mean if he and I werent together and just friends for...#like all the time I've known him off and on...#oh well no need in hurting myself more by thinking of things I don't need to...#(I've already thought lots and am already hurt but I can't blame him... just need to cope and get over it...)#hopefully can maintain/being friends/ should be easy though... I just need to not do stuff and it won't escalate...#it's my fault we end up too close and he ends up not liking me...#oh well #111 #rant over...

??? apparently this one person who ( I kinda ghosted a while ago...) I had called out on his mental health and his drinking, (and just stopped replying to him when he was bored...) reached out to see if I'd looked into lyme disease yet and to let me know he's getting help ??? he actually ??? is doing something ??? about it ??? wtf ??? like no I mean like wtf ?!? good for you man !!! hell yeah !!! therapy and looking into getting help with your addiction ??? shit ya dude !!! (assuming he does it and he gets better...)

#!!!!#but like.... it's not /the person/ I want it to be...#I'm genuinely happy for him because maybe he really wasn't that bad.... just... went down a bad pipeline...#maybe now he'll respect women and find the wife he wants to be the mom of his kids... as I chase after a dude who doesn't want me in the end #he always would say he wanted to be better for us and be a better man and I couldn't take it after begging him to try and to care #so if he actually gets help I'm really happy for him ... but my God do I wish it was the one I w a n t that was doing things...#like this dude has told me he wants me to love him and have kids and stuff a girl would dream of #but he also has failed to show any proof of it while I was with him... but he never actually admitted to mental health issues...#I just wish the one I want #wanted us...#1001

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