So after 5 years of ruminating and periodic production/writing sessions, the album has been written.
It’s reeeaaaally dark.
It’s about a limerence I’ve been trapped in for the past 10 years (yes you read the correctly, 10 fucking years) and how it’s affected my mental state as someone with struggles with major depression, severe anxiety, and probably OCD (I’ll get to that in a minute). It chronicles a fictional string of events that occur in one night, from blue hour to blue hour. It’s a macabre fantasy that all plays out in my head, something that I’ve done since I was a kid. Since I was little I’ve had these strange, sudden violent ideas/imagery in my head. I’ve never really known why I get them, but I just assumed most people had them. It wasn’t until around 3 years ago I looked more into it and found out it’s more than likely OCD impulses. That revelation was a huuuuge weight off my chest because I’ve always felt extremely guilty for having those harmful thoughts, and to know that it wasn’t my fault they were there was what I needed to hear. Back in 2016 I had a really bad depression episode that almost took me off the planet, and one thing that kept repeating in the back of my mind was “you’re a bad person, good people don’t have these thoughts” and I really wanted to use that for this album. I wanted to let that feeling in particular breathe and have its moment on the outside. I want to put that bad person on full blast and let them run wild through a made up scenario, I want them to be able to live outside of myself in hopes that I can distant myself from this fucked up era of my life and maybe move on.
The being said, I won’t shy away from all the dark shit that pops up from time to time. Whether it be suicide, stalking, or just generally extreme recklessness, I want to put a light on all of it. I’m sick of having it fester in my head making me feel crazy, I’m ready for it to come out and scare other people besides me (lol). Is there a chance that this could ruin my relationship I have with the person it’s about? Yes, very much so, but at this point I don’t care. Due to recent events, it feels like the end is nigh which has only fueled my work ethic and solidified story elements I was unsure about a year or so ago. There’s also a possibility that people will begin to think I’m my intrusive thoughts, a reckless stalker with no regard for their own life, but I don’t care about that either because it’s not true. I know exactly who I am and what I’ve done, and none of it lines up with this narrative.
The only thing I’m worried about is living up to my own expectations. Cause it’s one thing to write about a taboo topic and effectively ruin a relationship I treasure so fucking much, but if I can’t do that and make it sound like something I’d listen to on repeat than I would have failed myself. I don’t think I’d be able to anything creative again if I can’t pull this off, and so far I’m happy to say that I have been. These lyrics are the best I have ever written period. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever done or attempted to touch on and it just feels so… me(?) I know that’s kinda fucked considering it’s an album about my darkest thoughts and letting them run wild, but for once In my life it feels like I’m doing the right thing. Like I’ve finally found what I should be doing, and it’s scary but also exciting. In all honesty it’ll probably flop, and like 3 people might listen to the first two songs before turning it off, but I will be able to say that I did it. And no one can take that away from me.
Anyways it’s called “this was an accident” and at some point you’ll be able to hear me have a mental breakdown over scary club beats. If you read to this point you’re a fucking reeeaaal one
K, bye for now