Feelings are hard

Jane Austen, Emily Dickinson, Sylvia Plath are the words to my soul. Female writer who feels too much for the tiny vessel she inhabits; the romantically repressed

[w1ld3rstalker]

what is desire? if not pleasurable torture, a game, a riddle to be solved.

it’s frightful existence, looming over our shoulders 

waiting,

her gaping mouth consuming the bodies laid sight on. 

she is a sweeping wave, a blanket that covers, and drowns. 

soaked through, to the bone. 

addicted hearts sneak their way out of sobriety

glued to the skin of its victims like the junkie heating up his next meal under the light of a spoon. 

my heart yearns, she aches, and my body is opened as she awaits her doomed sentence. 

lock me away, out of sight, out of mind, 

calling unto thee, until awoken from her deep slumber. 

[w1ld3rstalker]

i don’t know whether it’s the cold weather, or what? but i feel so lost and deeply down. i can’t help but feel crippled byy everything around me, i want to be so excited for everything around me, but i feel hopeless. i need a cig or something to take me out of this. I am finding it hard to be joyful, any distraction necessary right now. I don’t know to do.

[w1ld3rstalker]

i sit tonight in a car full of woman who have seen every corner of me

from childhood to womanhood

and it feels oddly bittersweet my grammy couldnt be here with us tonight

she lives like a fervent fire in my mind

in my child mind

it’s us four

we’re driving an open road

i’m listening to her, my mum

tells us stories of all the music we’re playing

the artists she grew up on

that we listen because we too grew up on

many years have come and gone between the days we drove as often as we did

but the memories live very vividly

i dream of it when i see her

i dream of it when i don’t

my mum is an anchor

my mom

my sister

they tie me to my home in my heart

where there is a peace

an echo that i plan on creating for my children

there is something only that can be described as a gorgeous choke that sits happily in my throat

it’s the voice that sits in a tree and listens,

waiting for something, i know not what

but that knows there’s a beauty in all that my eyes have seen

a resounding joy that knows my home

is with these very women

[w1ld3rstalker]

i’m scantily clad

and where have you gone?

round and round we go.

We hold our standards high

for the owner of another

and nothing ever seems to reign true

the blush of my cheek

and your ego streak,

this stroke of genius that ebs and flows.

My blood is boiling over

[w1ld3rstalker]

truth is distortion

i’m writing from a memory

bright lights, mixed with a liquored sweetness in a solo cup

-maybe a glass with a handle,

or maybe it was a glass with two straws and art deco rim,

a woman lipsyncing poorly to hole’s Malibu

maybe i’m thinking of her singing to Paramore, in some glinted tank top,

at peace with the circumstance, smiling,

all at once at the front row i’m admiring how free she is

she looks so free

i wish to be that free,

she get’s kicked off the stage but that’s okay

because she’s so free

and she’s laughing and smiling away

i wish to be that free

[w1ld3rstalker]

Under the eyes of my mother;

safe and secure

i grew up and hated her, we fought, i cried, i sobbed at oh how unfair, all of things i deserved growing up,

i traveled half way across the US to be far away from all it, from her.

years later,

i look at those thoughts now and see such a wonderful human before me, who i have seen grow, who has grew me, and nursed me from her chest.

Last night i walked her up her stairs to bed. She fell asleep fast, and quickly, on the foot of her bed, i combed her hair with my fingers, and from her body i saw a peace i haven’t ever seen before in my life.

Maybe its the overdue grief in my body that created this unquenchable choke in my throat, maybe it's my seasonal allergies that made my eyes weep at this sight. What made me think of the many nights as a little girl, she sang to me

"I love you forever, i love you always, as long as i’m living, my baby you’ll be”

In an uncertain world and time we’re living in, maybe life felt simpler when it seemed like an answer waiting behind a door. I think about the joys of growing up the way I did. Reminiscent of the late 90s, when kids still were outside without much supervision, I, a 00s-born girl, homeschooled, always in the woods. I think of the days and nights I lay in the grass and stared at the sky above me, and just watched. I mean really watched everything above me, not a single thought running my mind but how beautiful it all was.

I’m envious of that now, i’m in grief my mom has kept running through life without peace since she was 20. This isn’t meant to be heard in a “how good life was” way, but the realistic sadness that it is to live.. nothing will ever be how it should, now how perfect it was, complex, dissapointing, lovely, obsessive, infuriating, beautiful, exciting, grief filled it is to be a human being.

[w1ld3rstalker]

sobbing tonight because i found out my childhood lullaby is on an LP i have in my collection. and now my heart is swelling tonight.

[w1ld3rstalker]

On loving, living, yearning, and pain

I’d be lying to myself if there weren't still days I thought about you, what it felt like to be next to you, the smell of your skin, the feeling of your weight on me, the taste of your lips on mine. The yearning in my belly was because I was so afraid I was replaceable. After all, I was. And yet, I feel sorry for you most of all now. Because you’ll never know what it feels like to be so loved, you can only cry tears of joy. You’ll only know what it feels like to touch it and escape its warm embrace. Commitment has never been your style, and I hope that someday you will know what it feels like. That may not be the case, but I’m a hopeful person, and hope, I will.

Someday you will wake up, and the world will have passed so quickly that you won’t even know what you missed before it was too late. You will pray and fall to your knees, crying to the worlds and ancients above you, “What can I do now to fix this ache,”

And their response?

To live, and love. Love till you’re shitting it out. Til you exude love so hard you might swell and blow up. You’ll have missed the songs that were yours and others, and you will have missed family reunions with your lover. All for the sake of your own self-preservation, how sad can that be for one life? I don’t feel sorry for your life, I once did, but I pity a life so set in fear, you’ll never experience the fullness of color it can bring.

I write this not for you, but as a reminder for myself for what ended up not being my life, and what it could have been, had I chosen another path for myself at a young and stupid age.

[stillthecleverestever]

https://gofund.me/d4501587

Donate to Emma and Her Cats Need Your Help, organized by Emma Dise

Hi friends, I wanted to share an honest ask for some mutual aid and help to prevent me from… Emma Dise needs your support for Emma and Her C

My oldest daughter is the hardest worker I know. She has just had the fucking worst string of bad luck trying to find jobs that pay enough for her rent, plus health insurance, plus meds for her T1D.

Housing realities suck. Service industry jobs are so challenging right now. She works two jobs but keeps getting her shifts cut.

She came home Monday night to a notice on her door that if she doesn’t pay the rent she owes she’ll be evicted and we are just heartbroken.

If you can help by donating, she’s SO CLOSE to her goal of $1500, anything would help her. If you could all share this, I would appreciate it so much. She’s so good and so kind and such a badass and she just needs help. Imagine if this was your baby.

[w1ld3rstalker]

Donate to Emma and Her Cats Need Your Help, organized by Emma Dise

Hi friends, I wanted to share an honest ask for some mutual aid and help to prevent me from… Emma Dise needs your support for Emma and Her C

hey friends if anyone could help me with my goal of 1500 that’d be lovely. i’m facing an eviction notice that i need to send to my landlord. i’d be losing my housing as well as having to rehome my two brother cats. January was brutal and i fell behind my bills because i lost my job and just was never able to get it to them. so i’m working with having to pay off a few other bills on top of late fees. anything helps right now.

[w1ld3rstalker]

let the air take you

let her breath ,take you away under the giese of safety.

pretend, provoke

and spit out the ick in on your tongue

sweet child, you are loved and safe under her wafting arms.

be it as it may,

not long will you suffer, no longer will you feel the ache of your hardships.

[w1ld3rstalker]

i. feel. numb.

[w1ld3rstalker]

How to not be emo in a time of restless yearning 01/18/25

I’m sitting here, writing in my bed trying to come up with things to say about the place i’m at in my life. The end of last year wrapped up with me getting an executive chef fired, and then being let go from my main source of income. To say the least, the stress and absolute turmoil has taken over in many ways. To put it plainly, i had a major and deeply inappropriate workplace romance that surpassed many lines of power imbalance and emotional manipulation. For the first week after i did not go out, and i stayed at home with my cats. i played my records, i cooked, or maybe i got high and ate edibles.

This was not how i wanted to keep living. I went on a couple of dates, made out with strangers at bars, and then eventually got black out drunk where i slipped in my own vomit. This was also NOT how i wanted to live.

Cut to, this week, i started a new job. And am slowly moving up the ladder at work. this is exciting. However this brings me to where i want to write this. Beginning in August i started seeing someone who i fell so hard for, the sex was amazing. And nothing like any connection i had had the opportunity to experience in years. We became friends, and slowly but surely i developed deep feelings for him. I eventually told him i liked him, in which he did not reciprocate. We remain friends, and we do still hookup. But starting this week i realized i was liking him again, and felt a deep jolt hit my stomach any time he mentioned going on dates, as i was also. I have decided i need to distance myself because god, i can not lose the friend i’ve made in him.

It’s easy to say the phrase “this is what being in your early 20s is all about” but is it? is it really being with people who don’t love you the way you love them. Is it really this constant and aimless wandering wanting love so deeply that the first person, whether they’re good or bad, emotionally available or absolutely not, comes knocking on your door and you say absolutely yes. I don’t want to buy into that.

Here is what i’ve done for myself to remove that from my life right now. I’ve written a song, I’ve listened to podcasts, i recentered on my job. I’ve talked with my girlfriends. I’ve made two playlists. does it numb the noise, absolutely not, I still want to check my phone multiple times a day to see if he’s texted, but i also have gotten into the routine of putting my phone on do not disturb, and that seems to help a touch. I’m a believer in silencing men on my phone, dare i say i have multiple people with no contact name in my phone too, just area codes and seven numbers that follow, because again, unless you are staying, why receive serotonin in there’s nothing that pays off in the end. Maybe that makes me sound harsh, but my time and hours are so deeply precious. Why waste this life?

I’ve spent more time watching movies than i ever have before alone. it feels deeply gratifying in some semblance of the way. My Letterboxd will have countless reviews this year finally. Or so i hope.

This truth is this, noise begins to get quiet after a certain point, and the pain will ease eventually too. This is not the end, and this will not be my end. Friends come and go, lovers flock and go away for warmer days in the winter. Maybe this is just the january blues, and maybe you dear reader haven’t even finished to this last end of words i have prepared. But here’s looking at you kid. Here’s to more of a year where we choose ourself, and romanticize what is around us more. Breathe in the fresh air.

[theheightofdepression]

I'm really into monogamy these days.

Only one thought at a time.

Everything else is cheating...

[w1ld3rstalker]

O’ you that must know

O’ Pretend,

To be present in the world i walk around

To be screaming in cars

Or walking into on coming traffic 

Like a hug or warm embrace

Crying does no justice, and running takes far too much from me. 

My energy is my own, my heart source is like a precious stone, absolute, and treasured. 

Let it be known,

Felt and heard from yards, millenia. 

A beacon

A lighthouse for lost sailors,

My body, a home cooked meal, ready for consuming

Leave me a crumb, a leftover to save for myself.

Let me eat off the plates others do so willingly. 

And what if you are my meal?

A perfect pomegranate bleeding down my arm, 

As the juice falls gracefully to my lips. 

Take but not be taken,

Yearn but not yearned for, 

Needed but not known. 

These are the times we live under. 

If not for the truths we speak, or tales we twist, 

Wrapping like thorns around my waist, rather than kind hands that care for my precious belly. 

I won’t fight, i wont take a finger out of turn, for you are mine, and if i am truly yours, 

Treat me and show me just that. 

Let it never be a question, 

An answer never needed nor uttered into the ether. 

Bodies collide, the song,  just as sweet. 

Made for completion with one, to the next. 

Horny poets write for the birds, 

And I, for the moon, and many more. 

[w1ld3rstalker]

langston hughes

[w1ld3rstalker]

i am very quiet today, i am reminded of the good things and the things to look forward to. there is fresh air to hold in my chest this morning, there are smiling faces i get to see today. i am loved, i am safe. this is not the end