[wabisabitea]

just move

It is that simple. Just keep yourself going, no matter what happens. Forgive and let go. It is unhealthy to cling to feelings that tear at your heart and taunt you in the darkest corners of your mind.

As I am starting my third year of college, I have come to realize that life is more of a mental challenge than anything. You think the world is out to get you. Well here is the plot twist; your greatest enemy is yourself. Have you noticed that one slight thing can drastically change the way you think for a day? A week? A month? A year? You allow yourself to see the world darker than it truly is. Although there are sad and miserable circumstances, there will always come a time in the future that will show you how wonderful your life really is. Only you can pull yourself out of the hole you dug for yourself.

I was depressed my sophomore year of college and tended to stay in my apartment. I grieved over the death of my beloved grandparents who raised me lovingly until the day they passed away. I know the familiar feeling of depression far too well. It feels like you are sinking into an abyss, drowning in the sorrows of the past, present, and future. I wanted to become nothingness and disappear from the world that haunted my thoughts. I often asked what was wrong with me because I could not think of anything else but hiding under my sheets and crying after class. Regardless of the sorrow and tiredness, I carried on. I started to enjoy the little things more and more each day. I forced myself to think less about their death, and more about the time that we had spent together and how I may carry on my love to my children and to others around me. Thinking like this propagated more positive thoughts and soon I found myself happy again.

It may be difficult, but drag yourself away from your thoughts. It will allow you to save you from yourself. Your smile is still there, it just needs some time. Move, just move. Keep moving. You will see brighter days. I promise. 

[wabisabitea]

my indie man

Have you ever meet someone in your life that became a pleasant surprise? Someone that just decided to pop out of nowhere and added a dash of happiness in your life? I seemed to have found a person like that. My indie man. 

Meeting him seemed like fate. It was during a college overnight program most incoming students had decided to take to familiarize themselves with what seemed like a vast, mysterious campus. I remember patiently waiting in the room, eager to see my sponsor. When my name was finally called, I took my belonging and was introduced to a small, asian girl with chestnut hair. We exchanged names and talked for a few minutes about ourselves. I was blinded by my excitement too notice the man that stood next to her. It was only after my excitement dwindled that I finally saw him, quietly waiting by her side.

His eyes were the color of worn timber, the kind of eyes that seemed both steadfast, yet brittle at the same time. His wavy hair was swept-back to show the soft, wheatish color of his skin, which gently outlined his handsome facial structure and blushed lips. He was in every sense of the word, comely.

By chance, my sponsor had a paper due that night and my indie man showed me around instead. He lead me through the dark campus as if he was my tour guide and I his tourist. After the tour was finished, he took me back into his dorm and started playing guitar for me. As he picked the strings, I decided to sing along with his tunes. That was the night when we first started singing together, and we have been singing together ever since. Singing became our thing. Between the harmonies and strummed chords, we exchanged laughter and stories. It was absolutely wonderful, and a memory I will cherish forever. 

I talk about my indie man now because recently we reconnected. I am very happy to sing with him again, but my feelings towards him are twisted and tangled for multiple of reasons. Although we may have our differences, I appreciate his presence in my life. He sends me lovely, inspirational indie music, hence why I call him my indie man, and has encouraged me to play guitar and continue singing. Truthfully, it is only when we record covers and sing together that my love for music is rekindled. My indie man means a lot more than he actually knows, and I would not exchange him for the world. He truly is my little pleasant surprise that I found in my life. If anybody is reading this, I hope you find a person that will do the same. 

[wabisabitea]

science is a funny thing

I am currently taking an organic lab class over the summer and I have to say, I have been enjoying it very much. Yesterday, I did my first recrystallization and I left the lab smiling with contentment. If you are not familiar with recrystallization, it is basically the process of purifying a substance by: (1) boiling down the substance in a solution so that the substance dissolves (2) slowly cooling it down to reform the crystals in its pure form. It is an important processes in all industries, from food to pharmaceutical.The goal is to get rid of impurities within the solute. 

Our group of four members was given an unknown substance, letter W, and the purpose of recrystallization was to purify the compound given, find its unique melting point, and then identify what it was. Although it was a tedious, time consuming process, I was able to recover 71 % of my substance. There was pride in my heart because it was a lot more than a lot of people had obtained. The most enjoyable part has to be watching the crystals form in the cool ice bath. One by one, little snowflake like substances formed on the side of the test tube in the once clear solution and gently fell onto the bottom. After I collected the little snowflakes and dried them off, I was left with a white solid, almost identical to the substance I had first boiled. But it was not. It was more pure, more authentic, more simple. 

Is not science a funny thing? To find answers to the most complex questions, it is necessary to boil things down to the simplest, purest form. There is beauty in science that I have a great appreciation for, one that is closely intertwined with nature itself.    

On a side note, I just want to mention another thing that made me giggle to myself as I looked at my pure substance. In general chemistry lab, for some odd reason the experiments were not giving accurate results (possibly due to the fact that our lab instructor had no idea what he was doing). The phrase that seemed to pop up constantly after every experiment when comparing our results was "Science doesn't work!". Although we laughed, that phrase seemed to become more and more true every time we exclaimed it. We knew that it was most likely due to our mistakes, but I could not help but to slightly believe it while doing experiments. Science seemed to fail us every time. It was a silly thought indeed. The recrystallization lab brought back my faith in science. Everything seemed to click and worked. We found our unknown substance and obtained accurate data that did not confuse us at all. Amazingly simple. It was in that moment that my silly thought dissipated out of my head. Oh science, you are a quaint thing.   

[wabisabitea]

wabi-sabi

(n.) the discovery of beauty in imperfection and profundity in nature; of accepting the natural cycle of growth, decay, and death. 

The japanese phrase wabi-sabi is kind of a quiet, modest undeclared beauty that waits patiently to be discovered. It is a phrase that I have been searching for for quite some time. Ever since I came to college, my heart and mind have been restless. From the death of my beloved grandparents to the decay of my childhood, I have had little peace within myself these past two years. It is only just recently that I have begun to open my eyes to the little details and the beauty in this imperfect life. I aim to live life day by day, one sip of tea at a time. This blog will shelter my thoughts and feelings as I continue my journey for peace in my mind and body.