Trying to keep balance.

[waitingforthesunofnothing]

I’m seeing my friends this week

After chatting almost everyday for 3 years, we are all meeting up. I’m so excited to finally hug some of the best people i have ever got the chance to talk too. I still have many more friends id like to meet, but for now this moment will forever be a highlight in my life.

[waitingforthesunofnothing]

Music

There are a couple of things i understand in my life. on id my obsession to eat food. it always made me feel good. but music is one of few things that really motivates my emotions. Music had carried me all through my life. everyday there is atleast a song playing either at home, on my ipod or in the car.

Ive always been into metal and for many reasons... mainly my emotions. Metal has always expressed my frustration with things.. with the heavy riffs i relate the struggle to break the chains that is created my my own insecurities. The drums represent every hole i didn't make in a wall. The bass is just a flow of calmness in a storm of fury, always there and thats where i usually hide. it controls the rage that is created by other instruments and makes it into something beautiful.

[waitingforthesunofnothing]

If you were here in front of me i wouldn't know how to act. I saw you for the last time almost 2 yeas ago. i carried you as they shipped you to a place i have no desire of ever visiting. I couldn't look at you lifeless, i saw too many people cry for you. i couldn't cry. i really wanted to.. i did but i felt like i needed to be strong. honestly dad... i really wanted to cry. i didn't want you to see me that way.i couldn't express to you how i felt even in death and now that i think about it i feel like an idiot. why didn't i cry.. why didn't i tell you all i could, face to face... I just imagine you looking at me from where ever you are... feeling proud of me for writing how i feel down. in spirit i really hope that you could read it so you can see that your death impacted my life. you weren't always there but i always knew you weren't too far away... it was just 1 call and id see you. i wish i could do that now.. 

[waitingforthesunofnothing]

Taking that first step

      I feel many emotions and sometimes it can over whelm me... that's why im here. When i was in middle school i had a similar blog where i expressed how bored i was with my life. boredom was the only feeling at the time really expressed how i felt. I had no Girlfriend, no best friend and my family weren't use to talking to me. i think that might have been my fault.

    Ive always had a hard time expressing my feelings. I was afraid a certain emotion i was feeling could really hurt someone else. My crushes always remained crushes due to my shyness and fear of losing a friend. i was so oblivious to see a similar attraction from a girl.. so i never tried. I dont regret not making a move. I see it as a win because i avoided getting hurt, but what ifs always linger.

     I want to look back at how im feeling now, in the future. I wish i could look back at my old blog to see what i posted. Probably a ton of links to music videos. secretly describing my “love” for someone in middle school. wow did i forget about highschool? it was basically the same in my opinion. i didn't open up. which is why im here. i don't expect people to read this or to follow but i will be writing as if i were trying to talk to the person my feelings are intended too.