Talk Hard

follow the white rabbit.

[wakeupnat]

That's the thing about shame: I keep washing my hands but yours are the ones that are dirty.

[wakeupnat]

It was the strangest experience because it was as if he was repulsed by me. His body language screamed "I don't want to be here" and his mind was else where, despite him being the one so eager to see me and planning a date to the movies. Perplexed.

My gut instinct was right, and it was only further confirmed when he did not reach out until the following evening with some lame, forced-sounding voice note. I wrote a short note, thanking him for his time but that I sensed the energy was off. He has not opened that message in two days. This has left a terrible taste in my mouth.

[wakeupnat]

I just want to be wrapped around the arms of someone who truly loves me without having to explain whatever the fuck it is I have been feeling these past few months.

[wakeupnat]

I miss the days when me and my brothers lived under the same roof. The days I would come home with dirt under my finger nails and scraped knees from playing outside too long, for riding bike until the sun went down. I could almost smell my ma's fricase de pollo just thinking about it. I miss my old life. It was long ago enough now to be a different life entirely. A book I can only pick up to read again and place back on the shelf. How could the things I lived through feel so far from me? And is that why I feel so misplaced? Always trying to run back to where I was, too afraid and unfamiliar with where I'm heading. But that's the funny part, isn't it? 15 years from now, I'm sure I'll feel this way again. On a loop. On a goddamn loop. I miss having friends, even if it was only because we had to sit through 7 hours of school together. I miss the nights I spent on tumblr, the people I spoke to and met here in the early 2010s. The internet saved me in a way. I still think about some of you even though I can only remember the small things, like your username, that you preferred cats, or that you were in love with some boy named Ron who broke your heart, or that you were scared of coming out to your parents, or that you had just seen Fall Out Boy in concert and had the greatest time. I miss myspace, I've always hated facebook, and I wish I had put my poetry to good use on instagram much sooner. I miss the life I've already lived, because little me didn't know how wonderful things truly were. I want to go back. I desperately want to go back.

[wakeupnat]

I am confused, uneasy, and slightly afraid at people's unpredictability. I got love bombed for three days straight (we're talking texts, VN's and videos back and forth). We're super giddy, excited, flirty, interested, connecting, the energy/momentum is high. He's telling me how beautiful I am, he's blushing at the sound of my voice, we're sharing food pics, he wants to cook for me in the future, sharing video games, our pop figurines lmao all these things.

Only for this man to ask me out to the movies, and then look at me (and react) as if though I were... just someone he immediately did not want to be around? His body language was immediately telling. He couldn't look me in the eye, walked ahead of me, and at a fast pace. Within 10-minutes of meeting up, he says he's "light headed" and not feeling well. I tell him we can sit somewhere until he feels better, but he prefers to keep walking.

We go to the movies, ended up picking a random movie at 10:25pm [it is 8:30ish at this point]. We walk around the shopping center, now he compliments my dimples, how good i smell, but his body language still screams "I don't want to get close to you."

He then says he needs to call his mom to check on her, as she isn't feeling well [he walks far away from me to call]. He returns to say he has to go check on his mom [he lives around the corner of the theater]. He hugs me twice, calls me a beautiful soul. He lingered, and I was like, Well ok hurry and check on your ma. And he tells me to text him when I get home.

I text him within 10-minutes i'm home, and that i hope his mom is ok. He says, "I can still smell you... yes she's fine, thank god. I hope you got home safely" with some heart emojis. At this point it is only 9:30pm. He could have easily insisted we go back to the movies, but he doesn't. Instead, he proceeds to post several reels and stories on IG.

I'm not mad it didn't go anywhere, because I wasn't feeling him either. But I was raised with the decency to finish a night. To be polite, to sit through a movie, and chat. The body language, him calling his mom [which i honestly think was bullshit], was as if I was some horrible creature he needed to get away from?? Super weird night.

[wakeupnat]

If a guy is leaving you confused, he doesn’t like you.

Turns out, if he’s texting you all day, calling you “mi amor, mi corazón, mi muñeca” he still doesn’t like you.

[wakeupnat]

When rose said, “I’d rather be his whore than your wife.”

[konoko]

[saintmarc]

[wakeupnat]

I still feel like that little girl, sitting alone in the cafeteria at lunch time. Not because she wants to, but because that's just the way that it is.

[wakeupnat]

God, how can I put this? I am excited, enamored, and restless. I can't think of anything else. How lucky I am to feel consumed again. I can't eat, I can't sleep. All that I am is waiting for the next time.

Dios, ¿cómo puedo decir esto? Estoy emocionada, enamorada y inquieta. No puedo pensar en otra cosa. Qué suerte la mía volver a sentirme consumida. No puedo comer, no puedo dormir. Todo mi ser espera el próximo encuentro.

[sophie-baek]

OFF CAMPUS 1.06 "The Breakaway"

[wakeupnat]

Happy birthday, ma. I love you.

[wakeupnat]

It's not enough to be wanted. I crave devotion, intention, and desire. Too often I have dealt with men who want to play in my garden, but won't stay for dinner.

[unconditionalstudio]

[wakeupnat]

I think I accidentally got jacked?

[wakeupnat]

Why is it always "wyd?" and never "I'm picking you up. I want to spend time with you. I want to share the same space and fall into deep conversation. I want to know the depths of your soul, of what brings you joy, of what you want out of this life."