It’s hard for me to come back to or look at this blog and think about having an internet presence because I feel so disconnected from who I was in my early twenties. I’m 28, the last time I used this platform I was maybe 22, insecure, dealing with a lot of pain and looking for sources to externalize and project that onto, “reasons for being”, preoccupied with identifying with concepts, virtues, pursuits rather than enacting behavior, which are all a natural part of growing up and coming into yourself though less than fortunate to have relayed publicly. Just something on my mind recently as I think about wanting to share or publish recent work.
This footprint is largely an amalgamation of adolescent “stories we tell ourselves to live,” spending a long time away from it while being judged in earnest rather than reinforcing a self-concept, becoming enmeshed with earnest unrewarded curiosity (I study soil biology), building things to lose and losing them, has left me far removed from the “I am this, I am that, you are this, you are that” tendency I spent formative years cultivating. It can leave you with some bright, catchy things to say and even string together if you’re halfway witty and observational but lacking in true meaning and actualization. Quippy, defensive, ad-copy writing that falls apart at the seams because as long as we know everyone else better than ourselves no one can hurt us.
That’s what’s on my mind right now, I hope you’re well.
