The Life of I

Just want to get my thoughts down somewhere-somewhat-important

[jennsoups]

Ooh baby do you know what that’s worth? Ooh heaven is a place on earth! 🎶 

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[flowellch]

‘Black Mirror: San Junipero’ Takes home the Emmy for Outstanding Television Movie and Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series or TV Movie on the 69th Emmy Awards. 

[walking-and-thinking-blog]

There's no one

There's no one I'd rather hug There's no one I'd rather cook with There's no one I'd rather kiss There's no one I'd rather watch tv with There's no one I'd rather talk with There's no one I'd rather cry with There's no one I'd rather make it work with There's no one I'd rather be with There's no one I'd rather make love to There's no one I'd rather explore with There's no one I'd rather laugh with There's no one I'd rather relax with There's no one I'd rather be a better person with There's no one I'd rather build a family with There's no one I'd rather learn from There's no one I'd rather share my soul with There's no one I'd rather try to make happy There's no one

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I know why. It's because I'm not in love with her.

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Questions

How can I be falling for someone I haven't met yet

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I normally always look back and say bye

6/3/16 It was hard to leave. We talked a lot and we held each other for a while. I could've stayed there forever. I could've hugged her forever. I kissed her on the cheek. I'll miss her. I held her hand. I said it'll be OK. I said bye. I didn't really look back.

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Trouble

I wrote this poem as a teenager too. All of my poems were written between ages about 15-I don’t know maybe 19. I like the imagery in this one, although I feel like I was starting to force the poetry at this time rather than just letting it out from within. Though I needed to get this feeling out it was a hard one to write for me.

The bath has run cold again; Full of nothing it's destined to stay. It silently sleeps absorbed in pain; It waits for her to wander astray. A feeling of warmth fills it up; A quick fix is just what it needed. It's half empty, as is the cup; Short-lived joy, the feeling's conceded. So different yet so similar, The droplets fall in two-by-two. It all feels a little bit familiar; It heats up and burns itself too. It's time to drain the blood from this bath; The ladder is there for her, but it won't fall. She had to go, away from his wrath; No regrets, it's what they both wanted after-all.

[walking-and-thinking-blog]

The Crow’s Cradle

My very first poem that I wrote. I think I was about 15 at the time. It was written after my first experience of being broken up with. Mind you, it was only like a 2/3 week relationship, but of course at that time everything felt so intense. I was inspired by Shakespearean sonnets that we’d looked at in English class. I liked how they were usually about love and I used it for a ‘broken heart’.

The plain, black crow perched on the apple tree, Peers down towards the black rose through a tear. She wilts into nothing so i can't see; A long winter without her, just as i fear.

Withering inside, it's showing outside; Scorned apples surround me, each one dying. I won't abide, i'll return to your side; Trample my fruit again i'll stop crying. A summer on and there is still no word; Reject me and bite me to drain this thirst. Not much hope for this apathetic bird; Deep in my heart i'll remember my first. The sun will rise but it will never set; Here in a reverie i won't forget.

[walking-and-thinking-blog]

Separated

A poem I wrote as a teenager during a time when I was quite broken. My first love had returned to Germany, and I missed her a lot. I thought we’d get back together at some time in the future but we didn’t really talk about our plans. Turns out she had moved on when I hadn’t. I spent a good couple of years missing her and recovering.

Here I lay, alone and forgotten, Wondering what you are thinking. I remember the days when you would say 'Tell me what's on your mind'.

With nothing to reply and nothing to feel, I dreamed of how it should be. But now I'm without you, oh how it's changed, When everything smells of you.

You'll walk along with simple thoughts, While I think of everything else. We surely can not be the same, It's not how it should be.

You lead a life where you don't think. I can't help but wonder, what else there is? I know why we'll never be as one, When I feel the ways no-one possibly can. It's when you realise what you are, The trouble is, you don't know. I realised this nightmare long ago, And we'll continue to be separated.

[walking-and-thinking-blog]

Envy

A poem I wrote when I was a teenager. It describes my feelings about wanting to be everything all at once and the frustration that goes with that. I was also hinting at the pain of realising that I have mental health problems like some of my other writings did too.

These things I don't have, I walk past everyday; I walk, walk and walk, until the sky turns to grey. 'A terrible thing...envy' I'd hear them all say; I wish I'd thought of that before the end of day.

These things I don't have, I wonder why not? I gaze to heaven, the clouds are deep in thought. The thick rain hits me hard and slowly starts to clot; I wish I could be that dark, to fire off a shot.

These things I don't have, sadly the things I still want; It's for this reason this flaw continues to haunt. But I remember just why I'm not what I'm not; In this evil world, I can't be the lot.

[walking-and-thinking-blog]

Busy Averting

A poem I wrote when I was a teenager. It describes my feelings when I was experiencing social anxiety while on a crowded bus.

You stare at me. I look the other way. I'm sorry I invaded your space. What is it you are trying to see? My guilt is too well hidden for that. We stop for a brief moment, keeping our distance. The red light commands us, we don't mind.

I look the other way. I need a different view. I feel your green eyes burn me. Please don't make me hate you. Absorbed in your problems, we sit in silence. Just the low rumbling of anger as we start to speed on.

Will this ever end? I don't want to be left. It's your time to go...and I am next. It gives me some breathing room but not for too long. Confined in the corner, I'll try not to fall. Farewell for now, we won't meet again. But this situation will kick up a fuss, Everyday, while riding the bus.

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Quiet

The trouble with being quiet and taking interest in other people is that other people tend not to get to know you very well. Unless they are ones who ask about you and are genuinely interested in you. I like those people.

At what point are you talking about yourself too much/selling yourself to someone/trying to make conversation/giving your opinion when it wasn’t asked for?

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Self-identity

Something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, well apart from everything it would seem, is thinking about when I was younger (like 15-22) and I was trying to find myself. I was exploring lots of stuff, for example, tasting different music, smelling different movies, -- ha ha I’m mixing up the senses for dramatic effect -- feeling different people....emm.......so I was trying things. When I look back on all that now, it feels like it was building up to something. This is hard to explain. 

I was developing my sense of identity in the stuff I could talk about, and although I wasn’t always feeling like I knew who I was, in some ways I feel like I was more secure then than I am now.

I want to try stuff now, and find some new hobbies, but it doesn’t feel the same; it feels like I’m doing it because I’m not going to sound interesting to people otherwise. Before, I would explore things because I was interested in it and I had time to explore and not care what effect it would have on my life. What’s changed? Time? I suppose I feel like by now I should have a solid groundwork for who I am, but I guess I’ve gotten a bit lost this year. I feel some pressure now I’m 28 (and I know this is irrational and ridiculous).

Let me try this again. I used to have in my mind, a vision of the future where I would have all my old CDs and DVDs from when I was a teenager - the ones that I’d collected as an expression of who I was - as well as things like: notes I collected, work from school, poems I wrote, drawings I drew, clothes I had, pictures I took, and I could show them to people and connect with them about these. I only have some of that stuff left - not only CDs and DVDs etc. - but like my things. They’re in my old room at home, but I now live in a different city. It’s hard to develop myself there in a new place, starting from scratch. But that’s a different matter.

I didn’t really expect to develop that connection with someone and really show that person who I was and who I am. I shared myself with them and shared the identity of myself. But then that relationship broke down and I feel like a bit of me died too. My identity while in that relationship is gone. In some ways, all the stuff I did up until that moment in time was put into that relationship, and I guess I’ve lost myself. I also feel a bit like I’ve failed. I suppose I wanted to be in a place at 28 where I could start to build a proper future. I wanted to have all that prior stuff to build to a point around now where it is shared with someone and it’s invested in that person and in that relationship. I was building up into something which then failed didn’t work out.

All this is very odd and it doesn’t make all that much sense to me actually.

Rationally, I know that, all those things that were a part of me still are. I’m still building upon my foundations and developing myself. I’m just in a bit of a lost place at the moment, but you know, I’m still in a place. I’m maybe a little scared of sharing it ALL once again with somebody new. I also just hate repetitions in conversation -- not like ‘oh sorry could you say that again?’, but like, having the same conversation over and over with different people, that’s not fun --.

[walking-and-thinking-blog]

I am strong for a while, and then you’d contact me, meaning well of course. It’d set me back a bit, and I’d start imagining you again...all the good things. It made me think there was a chance for us again. Yes I still know that chance is as small as I feel. If us happened, I know it would not be good for we two, me and you, you and I. Sure I miss my best friend. It’s more than that though. I miss your mind and your body. I miss your laugh and your smile. I miss being myself. I miss knowing someone so well. I miss talking about important things. There’s lots I don’t miss, and sometimes I think of these just so that I can hate you a little bit. These remind me why we aren’t good for each other. But I’m in a circle here, just like when we broke up. I love you but this isn’t working, we said. 

I told you we can’t be in contact anymore because it really sets me back. You said you were being selfish; is it really me being selfish though? I know how it hurts you for us not to be in contact....though a different reason from what you feel, you said.....Well I guess you were the more unhappy one at the time and set the ball rolling. Though I was the one that got annoyed and suggested we break up. I didn’t want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I still don’t. So maybe on some level I am the one who was broken up with, and maybe I have more of a right to say You’re hurting me by contacting me, so don’t. I suppose that makes sense anyway: the breaker-upper should do whatever they can to minimise the hurt on the breaker-uppee and respect their wishes. I hated that I had to request that though. So many times when we were together I wanted things my way because I thought it was the best way. Maybe it was the best way, but only for me. I certainly learned that lesson while we were together.

[walking-and-thinking-blog]

Stockholm Syndrome http://goatbye.deviantart.com/art/Stockholm-Syndrome-508685964