If Only
That one goes in here. I pointed to the circular, orange thing while holding up a small ramekin. And this one…is yours. I handed him the blue one.
You sure have a way of segregating things.
Separating. Noticed that, huh? I countered.
I’ve been watching you.
Scary.
You’ve been fascinated with these candies…
Chocolate candies. I corrected him.
Yeah, whatever. Him dismissing my comment. You’ve been putting away the oranges in that whatever-you-call-it…
Ramekin. I cut him off.
for like…15 minutes now.
You got stopwatch there, buddy? I scoffed.
And you are continuously giving the blues to me. He reached for another one.
That’s because you like blue…you love blue.
Aw…you remembered. Mocking me. You are obsessed with these candies.
Just M&M’s, E. I answered in a sing-song manner. Just M&M’s.
Right, J.
Can’t help it. I’m a candy shipper.
I’ll keep that it mind.
You do that, E.
***
“Is it possible for someone to just forget the feeling of…being in love?”
Confusion written all over my companion’s face.
“What is this about?” Kristine, my best friend, asked.
“Nothing.”
“Ah yes. Nothing, when you were smiling from ear to ear during your sleep.”
“Really now?”
“Would I kid you?”
***
“Spandau Ballet, Live in Manila. “
Spandau Ballet. Why does that ring a bell? I said out loud. I was in the gazebo reading a magazine.
That’s because you already performed one of their songs.
Oh shit. Do you always have to do that, E?!
Do what?
Come out from… wherever you’re hiding. I stammered. You startled me.
Relax, J. Too much caffeine is not good, you know? He said as he plopped his butt on the chair across me.
I know… this… much… is true.
That’s it, E.
That’s what?
The song. You know the song! I exclaimed.
Of course, I know the song. We sang it together.
We did?
Confused, he reached for me then slightly hit my head. What’s gotten into you?
A sly smile greeted him instead. Hi, E. I forgot to say hello to you. Hell—o.
That wasn’t funny. You scared the hell out of me!
I know. I was just teasing you.
Bad joke, J. Bad joke.
I’m sorry…but, I do remember the song and the… I paused and smiled at the memory.
…the dance moves? MY awkward dance moves? Emphasizing on the “my”.
Your superb dance moves, E.
You’re not good with lying, J. He snickered. He knew I was just making him feel good.
We were both in blue that time. I can hear myself smiling now. I liked that performance.
Yeah, it was…but, I wore a vest that time. They told me to wear that hideous vest.
Hahaha. True.
***
“Is it possible for someone to just forget the feeling of…being in love?” I looked up from my sunglasses.
“Is this a line you need to deliver in the soap?“
“Nope.”
“Is this a line from your new song? You’re writing another one, right?”
“Nope.”
“Is this from the book you’re reading now?”
“Nope.”
“Then why the hell are you asking me this question?”
“I don’t know.”
“You better figure it out, Julie. You kinda creep me out.” Kristine said in her very exaggerated kind of way.
“Thanks, pal.” I learned that a little bit of sarcasm from time to time wouldn’t hurt.
***
There came a point in my life that I knew I’d be on my own.
Like today.
Although it was planned out ahead of time, I knew that the plan has changed.
Like this one.
Look at me now.
I’m alone.
He said he’ll always be right by my side.
But now, he’s gone.
It’s like I’m suffocating.
I feel like there’s no air.
***
“Julie? Julie?”
I woke up from my sleep. My eyes were heavy and I was breathless.
“What happened there, Julie?” I sensed panic in my friend’s voice. “You were gasping for air.”
“K!” I hugged my best friend tightly, never wanting to let her go.
“You were crying in your sleep.”
“I was?”
“Yes. What happened, Julie?” Kristine was stroking my back to help me calm my nerves.
“Is it possible for someone to just forget the feeling of…being in love?” And for the third time, I asked her that question.
***
“Julie?”
“K?”
“Julie, in this planet we go by names — real names. Let’s start with Kristine, ok?”
Julie’s currently reviewing the script the production team handed her about an hour ago. It’s been a week since the last “dream”.
“I’m sorry, K…ristine. It’s just that…I was used to calling him…”
“Forgiven, Julie.” Kristine intercepted her. “You are forgiven.”
“But, is it possible for someone to just…”
“…forget the feeling of being in love?” Kristine continued it for me.
“Yeah?”
“You’re not going to drop this, right?”
“Not stopping.”
“Even after a week of being not yourself?”
“Yes.”
Concern is seen in Kristine’s eyes. She asked her friend. “Where is this coming from, Julie?”
“i don’t know. I’ve been having these dreams”
“Dreams.”
“Yes. I’ve been dreaming about Elmo and me the past week.”
Kristine exhaled. “You miss him. And since this isn’t going anywhere, might as well face these so-called dreams.”
“Right.” I agreed.
The room fell silent for a couple of minutes. Intrigue, curiosity enveloped the air.
“So…is it possible for someone to just forget the feeling of…being in love?” Kristine started.
I remained still. Waiting for her to answer.
“I don’t know, Kristine.”
“You have to know. Julie, to forget the feeling of being in love…is the saddest thing one can ever imagine. It may sound impossible, but it’s not. Look at you.”
I still kept my silence. Kristine has a point.
“How long has it been, Julie?”
“How long has been what?”
“When was the last time you fell madly, deeply in love?”
“Kristine…”
“Julie.” Her voice, stern.
“Uhm…”
“It’s been that long, huh?”
“Five years isn’t that long, Kristine.”
“It is. Especially…”
“…when he didn’t even say goodbye to me.” I sighed. Logic and reality now taking over my system.
“That’s the point, Julie. You’ve been a floater the past five years. You got stuck in the fantasy that Elmo is the one for you. He left you. That’s what happened. The dreams — they’re the ‘what ifs and what could’ve beens’ with Elmo. Yes, you miss him. But Julie, you have to let go. You have to let him go.”
“I know.”
“You need to learn to love again, Julie. You need to open your heart to happiness.”
“Yeah.”
“You know that you deserve that.”
“Kristine?”
“Yes?”
“All of these…wouldn’t have happened if…”
“…if what?” Kristine cut me off.
“…if only I asked him to stay.”
“You didn’t.”
-FIN-
