hand in unlovable hand

vent blog for a former person

[egberts]

*shagcula voice* it vasn't me

[egberts]

she caught me in the coffin. vasnt me

caught me hanging in the belfry. vasnt me.

she even saw me stick my cross in. vasnt me

i didn't show up on camera. vasnt me

[macklesufficient]

[wallaceunwells]

>finally make peace with my relationship with food

>kitchen is so filthy all the time that being in there repulses me so i can’t eat at home

im going to fucking kill myself i swear to god

[wallaceunwells]

every time i have a nightmare shift i change my priv twitter header to a slightly more unhinged burgerpants sprite and i’ve gotten to the most insane one so i dont know what happens next

[wallaceunwells]

i am. very very much not cut out to be the universal emotional support simon

[wallaceunwells]

hate my job hate my hours hate my job no time for uni bad at uni can’t take care of myself gaining weight so i don’t recognize myself feel unattractive and can’t fit into half my clothes any more can’t even go back to old bad coping mechanisms bc ive got someone who sees me naked regularly and would immediately notice AND i can’t kill myself because i straight up don’t want to any more. door’s locked not an option. what the fuck am i supposed to do. literally can’t practice bad coping mechanisms and i don’t have any good ones. where do i go from here

[wallaceunwells]

WHY DO I HAVE TO SHOWER EVERY 12 HOURS TO KEEP MY ROOM FROM SMELLING LIKE ACTUAL LITERAL BALLS I DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY

[wallaceunwells]

me after setting one single very minor boundary

[wallaceunwells]

i think it's so funny that after setting this boundary i received a "thank u for setting boundaries" because they KNOW i'm dogshit at it sjdfhkjsdfs

[wallaceunwells]

me after setting one single very minor boundary

[wallaceunwells]

on reflection i do not in fact got this

[wallaceunwells]

bro i have no idea what’s going on any more why am i huge in the mirror but skinny in photos. why are my trousers so tight if my thighs look smaller? have i gained weight???? why do i never replace the scale batteries

[wallaceunwells]

oh wow oh okay first year me was in charge of his own groceries and now im gonna be stuck seeing myself like this on and off for the rest of my fucking life this is never going to go away huh

[wallaceunwells]

women....want me.....fish.....fear........me.....

[wallaceunwells]

i understand that everyone has a different body image and different resting weight and i get it and i understand how peoples struggles are different but seeing a size 6 girl on twitter being like "i've gained weight and i feel gross" is making me genuinely want to commit violence on my own person

[wallaceunwells]

it’s fucking crazy what having a partner who is visibly and openly and very loudly attracted to you does for your self esteem. like yeah i have a massive ass and it’s SEXY

[wallaceunwells]

[wallaceunwells]

feeling very very “cat that got adopted in lockdown and now cries when its human goes to the bathroom” this week

[wallaceunwells]

honestly i kinda wish i was still suicidal life was so much easier when i could just be like lol it’s fine i’m killing myself anyway

these days i’m like “god i fucking hate x part of myself so much” and my brain on reflex goes like “lol just kys then” and i’m like. no??? i don’t want to do that. that would be fucking stupid. why would i do that. it makes literally no logical sense to me any more. which sucks because now i have to DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS WHICH IS WAY WORSE