Wander On

Exploring the real. Releasing my secrets. #wonder #wanderwithme

[wanderalong]

How many places did I used to go that I don’t go anymore? I’m drowning in fear that my present and future have more closed than open doors.

It’s kind of like the landmarks and sights that I pass by on my way home. I know them so well they help me decide but I don’t know them, I’ve never been inside.

I don’t burn bridges, and I don’t cut ties… I believe in boundaries, not walls that touch skies.

I wish we could be open and transparent with each other. We’re so alike and we’d take flight if only we’d recover.

Who knows what could be or even what was? What could have been then and what isn’t now because…

We’re a million miles apart, but that’s not our separation, we broke each other’s hearts and lost our love between translation.

I want to heal, I want to move forward, but I can’t find peace with these scars. I keep scratching and picking and bleeding wide open, I might as well fly off to Mars.

[wanderalong]

It just doesn’t feel fair. They are getting these opportunities for closure to view and bury her and pack away her personal items, but I am just left out and stuck - a million miles away. I needed it. I need the closure. I need the tangible memories. I need the aromas and to be in her old space. I needed to see it before it all got taken apart, but it’s too late. I’m sure it is all gone now. And so is she.

[wanderalong]

It’s just fine I guess for you to have what you need - you, you, you. It’s all about you and your anxiety and your fear and your need to control everything - which is a total illusion, by the way - control is not real, and I’ve told you this, but whatever. Since you’re too afraid and you just can’t handle it - you’re too overwhelmed by what I need - I just can’t have it.

You say you need a 48-hour BREAK from me asking for what I need. And since I “slipped” yesterday and asked for it, you never got the “break you needed,” so the 48 hours restarts now.

I’m an extrovert speaking about an introvert - one who has the audacity to call me self-centered for asking for what I need and literally may not be able to access if the govt decides to shutdown. Something that you got today when you left the house and socialized with strangers and children. You went out and did exactly what you demanded i not do - you screamed at me and cried at me about it. You keep the plans to yourself all weekend and instead rip me to shreds about my desire to be out and with a friend or two. Then this morning, as you get dressed, you ask me what I think of your decided plans...

I say “go, babe, get what you need - this will probably be good for you and help you feel less afraid,” then you come home and give me this.

As a psychology enthusiast who reads obsessively about empathy and communicating well with others, I should know and be good and diligent enough to make it clear to you that this is what is happening - but my people pleasing nature has pushed me past my limit, and my patience and understanding are just gone. I have no energy left. I am just angry and bitter.

I guess you’ve never seen it, because I stick to nice and patient and cuddly. The outrage is only ever outfitted on you. So what does it even look like on me? Well, I’m kind of feeling like I could walk out of this house and never come back - so not a good look.

[wanderalong]

Resentment is setting in.

[wanderalong]

Different. 💍

Lying in this bed feels different now. I wonder if I’m the same person.

I can’t quite remember the road here or how...

I landed 2 hours north of certain.

[wanderalong]

If every connection we have is a dance, what is the rhythm to ours?

Where do we dip, or swing and intertwine?

At branches, roots, leaves or vines?

[wanderalong]

I might die in this house. #truthrevealed #chemicalstate

[wanderalong]

I lost something important.

Maybe I assigned too much of my identity and self-worth to it, but I still feel I need it back in some capacity. Just unsure how to reclaim this passion without taking steps backwards in my spiritual awakening.

I want a creative community. I miss having framily to share tradition with and know and play all the same songs together. I want it back. I miss jamming and slipping into an elevated experience outside of self. I miss the high. I miss the peace afterwards. I miss the security in knowing I can always escape back to that place. Will I ever get back?

[wanderalong]

Who I've been...

I've been trying to figure out what's changed about me in the last 10 years - I think I expected that growing up promised natural maturation, acquirement of wisdom and major personal improvement. I may have believed that the sense of "struggling" would dissolve... but that has not been the case. The struggle continues. Not only has it continued, it has evolved with me. The struggle to be enough, to cultivate and maintain strong, healthy relationships, to create and become a more articulate and polished creator, to invest myself, my time, energy and skills into the right areas to have greater and more meaningful impact on the world... The struggle to wake from the trivial world and begin to truly see my purpose and my place here - to see outside of myself and my own pain, fear and desires.

My somewhat recent conclusions have been that I am waking up to my passion of connecting deeply with others and learning their languages to then create paths for more effective communication, therein allowing for deeper understanding, learning on all sides and eventual partnership in efforts to do good for others and for the world. I thought maybe I've just become a deeper thinker... I've slowed down some... I've begun to pay closer attention...

But I think it's possible that I've always been a deep thinker. I just haven't always been a decision-maker. I enjoy theorizing and abstract thinking around problems and patterns - but deciding who I want to be, forming an action plan, following through and cultivating better habits... That part has been hard. I might be getting a tiny bit closer to the follow through bit though. So that's good...?

[wanderalong]

Am I turning evil? Where did my patience go? When did I stop assuming the best of others and start defaulting to accusation instead of support?

Me, V

[wanderalong]

I don't trust anyone anymore. Nothing feels safe now. Is life still able to be good without space to breathe and just be?

Me, V

[wanderalong]

I realize now that I have completely squandered a life of being well-loved and cherished by others and become a professional victim. How do I hit reset?

[wanderalong]

Space for me?

I feel like I need to choose if I want to stay (myself) a happy, cheery, bouncy kid (who no adult wants to be around) or if I should start trying to tone it down and be quieter and more"lady like."

Part of me hates this idea of a society's created gender roles and maturity boxes/"levels" - these personas that there is sometimes loud and sometimes quiet pressure to align with. The other part of me just so desperately wants to have a place in this world among others - a comfortable group of people who understand me and love me for who I am that I can laugh with and grow with and feel safe with.

Maybe neither of the options are reasonable and i should just quit looking/trying. From where I sit now, it definitely seems like the world doesn't have space for me, and there is nowhere that this heavy heart and tired mind belong.

[wanderalong]

Time to start protecting my own heart. But how?

[wanderalong]

My life IS simple.

...I'm saying that and hoping it will become true. Isn't this the way to fake it til I make it?

Me, V

[wanderalong]

Follow Up Questions based on Lessons from Ms. B Brown

Can I be courageous enough to ask questions, therein admitting when I don't understand something?

Can I be brave enough to ask for what I need? Brave enough to determine what I am uncomfortable or unready for? Brave enough to get out or walk away?

Can I be courageous enough to express excitement about opportunities to my peers and not let fear of failure shut me down and make me pretend it's not a big deal?

[wanderalong]

I'm the girl who comes clean by asking telling questions.

Me, V