Is this what a quarter-life crisis feels like?
I have a lot to be thankful for in my life…but sometimes, it’s nice to allow myself to be sad, disappointed, or angry with life. Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty down about a lot of things out of my control.
I should feel excited about my graduating next semester, but instead I feel frustrated (and a little embarrassed) that it took me eight years to do what others were able to do in four. I know, “comparison is the thief of joy,” but reminding myself of that doesn’t exactly make me feel better about having to work 10x harder than the next gal for the same opportunities. In times like these, though, I remind myself that to receive an education is a privilege. And it could always be worse.
Knowing that makes it all the more ironic that I involuntarily feel a sense of shame whenever asked about my major. “Child and Adolescent Development” is not nearly as glamorous as being an Engineering or Business major - at least in my college. The sad thing is that my shame doesn’t stem from what society tells me, but how my family views the path I’ve chosen for myself. For the past eight years, I’ve heard it all: “Why would you ever want to be a teacher when you could be a doctor, a lawyer, or a nurse at the very least?”; “You haven’t even graduated yet, so it’s not too late to change your major, you know.”; “You’re never going to make any money being just a teacher.”; the list goes on. Even though I know they mean well and only want the best for me, it’s exhausting having to constantly defend myself and my chosen career path against my own family. In a perfect world, they’d simply be proud of me; of course in reality, no family is perfect.
What’s worst of all is that I’m made to feel guilty for not having accomplished enough at this point in my life. Apparently, working two jobs to pay my own bills and my own way through school doesn’t make me an adult. Still being in school means I haven’t even stepped foot into my professional career yet, which makes it pretty hard to be a homeowner, married, and/or a mother before the age of 30 like I’m “supposed” to be. I understand this way of thinking - however toxic it may be.
The problem is that I’m almost too understanding of this way of thinking, because to me, I know that’s not the only way to live. Knowing that is exactly what drives my wanderlust; traveling always gives me a new perspective on life and although I’ve never traveled alone before, I think that’s what I need. Maybe a post-grad treat to myself??
If a mid-life crisis is what I have to look forward to at the end of this weirdly long tunnel called “middle adulthood”, then I welcome it 100%.