i sat alone, in bed till the morning
i'm crying, "they're coming for me"
and I tried to hold these secrets inside me
my mind's like a deadly disease
“You’re nothing. You’re weak. You ruin everything you touch.”
She heard it in her head, or more accurately, she felt it. Like a foreign body invading her consciousness. Was she going mad? Was it a curse? Was it magic?
Lily she stared straight ahead towards the target, taking a deep breath with the bowstring pulled back. She pictured Bellatrix’s face on it. For a moment, the voice was silent. One, two... She let it go. The arrow flew, whistling through the wind, imbedding itself directly into the painted circle with the other dozen or so arrows already there. Lily lowered her bow, expressionless while she reached behind her for another arrow.
“You’ve learned the bow very well these past weeks,” Shara piped up. Lily had heard the sound of her new friend’s hooves approaching before her voice. As Lily notched another arrow, the centaur stopped to stand beside her. “Then again... this is all you have been doing when not called to help, isn’t it?”
She notched the arrow but lowered her bow, looking up to the centaur with raised brows. “Well, does someone need me?” Shara shook her head. Lily sighed. “... Look,” the witch begun quietly, relaxing on the string. “Matarys was right. This is... therapeutic for me. It’s the best way now for me to relax and distract myself... Honestly, I never thought much of archery before. Muggles haven’t exactly used it productively in centuries. And wizards-”
“Have magic? I have seen it, you know,” Shara replied. “More than just your healing... It doesn’t solve everything either.”
Lily smiled sheepishly and nodded, notching a new arrow. She lifted the bow and tried to focus on the target again - this time she tried to picture Peter.
“... And you’re not playing with the foals anymore?” Shara questioned. Lily was quiet for a moment, her arm relaxing on the string. “Oh... Do they... Do they they remind you of your own child?” Shara suggested in realization, her voice an octave quieter and much shyer.
Lily took a deep breath and lowered her bow. “Harry’s two years old now, Shara. I just keep thinking about him...” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “--- wondering sometimes if he might still remember me. Then I don’t like to think about it too long.”
“A child could never forget their mother, Lily. Certainly not after just a year... He will know you by sight, by smell, by voice... You will see your son again soon, I know you will.”
Lily pursed her lips and notched her arrow again. She raised her bow and let it loose, picturing Voldemort’s face on the target before it hit. “I want to go back. Maybe I can... Or at least tell them I’m alive,” she murmured uncertainly. “I don’t know...”
Shara laid down on the grass, four legs curled close to her stomach as she looked over at Lily. “You mean... Do you think you’re ready? That it’s finally safe?”
Lily finally turned to face her centaur friend completely. “I don’t know. I just... I know it sounds horrible but ever since your herd invited me to stay here, to protect me, I know I eventually stopped worrying out-loud but, Shara... a part of still expected that one day I would do something terrible by accident or that someone dangerous would find me and attack all of us here... That one way or another I would put you all in danger and it would prove everything that I thought when I first came-”
“We all knew the risks. Honoria herself told you that you are welcome... She said that her omens were light when they came to you. She said that-”
“That it’s not my fault. I know. I heard her. But-”
“You’re part of the herd now, Lily. We protect you.”
“Shara, it doesn’t change the fact there are still dangerous people out there looking for me right now. And let’s say maybe I’m not as dark as I thought, at least not enough to hurt other people. Brilliant. But then I’m still a threat because of the Death Eaters that are searching for me.”
“When we found you, Lily, you were half starved. You were thinner than a branch and you’d still found the strength to care for that little fawn. And then you told us about the war... You said that you fought against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. You have given your heart and your life for others so it is still our honour to do the same for you. Why must you question us like this? Do you think us so ignorant to the risks?”
“No, I-” Lily inhaled sharply and shook her head.
“Lily, I believe you are ready to see your family,” Shara insisted. “After all, you're right... Nothing has happened to us in all this time that you’ve been here. And you are the very opposite of dangerous... To us, anyway.” There was the hint of a smile on her friend’s face as she glanced to the archery target and back to Lily. “To those you care for.”
Lily was silent for a moment, her eyes squinting thoughtfully. “And what if when they know... they try to find me. They convince me to stay with them and the Death Eaters find out...” Shara raised her brows pointedly and Lily pursed her lips. She then sighed in defeat and plopped down on the ground, placing the bow beside her on the grass. “Fine. You’re right, it’s not just that that I’m worried about. I can still talk to snakes now, I have mood swings, I have horrible nightmares and voices in my head... I’m cursed.” She hesitated.
Then she looked to Shara. The silence, the hesitation, was enough to know her friend had still considered everything and was just trying to be friendly. It stung, but it also validated her worries and for that she was grateful.
“What if they see me... and they’re... afraid of me?” Lily pressed on, holding a fist into her stomach, nervously trying to stop the trembling of her hands. She thought of how James must have already been feeling after Peter’s betrayal - what if he thought she did similarly after missing for so long? “And after all James as been through looking for me... Oh, I know it’ll destroy him. I know him, Shara, I know what I put him through and he will hate-”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“For almost 6 months it wasn’t, sure, but I made a choice afterwards and just the fact that that choice didn’t include coming home or telling them that I was alive... Yes, I did it to protect them and because I couldn’t condemn my husband into anymore hiding but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the fact that I hurt them. I hurt them and I can’t ever forgive myself for that, you don’t understand. I wasn’t there for my family when they needed me. I survived when so many-” She cut herself off, taking a sharp inhale. “... how can I expect them to forgive me after all that?”
“My brother always said that when you truly love someone, you have already forgiven them for everything they did and everything they would ever do. It is in the nature of loving someone. And I know this because I love you too.”
Lily ran her hands over her face, swallowing the lump in her throat. The comfort reminded her painfully of Frank, someone who felt akin to a older brother that never faltered in his support and wisdom. What she would have given to hear words like that from him now.
Shara snorted in the way that horses, trying to get her attention back. “Lily, maybe find a way to forgive yourself first.”
Lily gazed up, absently staring out into the trees, a defeated look on her face as the centaur silently watched her. “I really don’t know how to do that,” she murmured softly, not realizing she’d said it out-loud. Would they be happier without her now? Was it better to let them move on? Was it better to let them keep thinking she was dead? To never see her family again when it was certain that they’d be safer that way? The questions haunted her worse than the nightmares.
“For your son,” Shara said and Lily looked to her. “... Find a way for him... Don’t let him grow up without his mother.”
Lily grit her teeth and stood up. “Thanks Shara. I just- I really can’t do any more pity party today.” She hated it. She wanted to rip her own mind out each time she felt the urge to keep drowning in self-pity; it helped to focus on other things. It had only been the young centaur, Shara, that had always managed to pry out her thoughts when Lily had been doing all she could not to overthink. She focused on the star mapping the centaurs had taught her, she focused on researching through the books she took from Severus’ house, she focused on healing or archery. She used to love talking with others, now it only invited questions she was loathe to answer and thoughts she was loathe to think. Lily bent down and grabbed her bow before reaching behind her for another arrow.
But in the short silence that followed, she felt a prickling of her skin when she heard a faint rustling. That instinct, that paranoia that was embedded in her skin like a disease just as surely as the curse that now flowed through her veins. Lily froze to glance to the trees around them, ignoring the sounds of Shara getting up as she focused on the outline of one particular pine. The rustling could have been anything- another squirrel or bird... But they were too quiet now. The sky darkening above them was enough of a sign, enough to make her blood run cold and the goosebumps trail her arms. She dropped her bow.
“They did it-”
“What? What is-”
“Shara, go!” Lily yelled as she brandished the wand from the holster at her waist. Two Death Eaters emerged from the trees and the centaur galloped away.
“The red haired woman! We need her alive!” The Dark haired one screamed. The one with a receding light hairline and the crooked nose she recognized immediately. It was, without a doubt, the one she had dubbed ‘Crooked’ during her first few months imprisoned.
Lily stabbed her wand in his direction. “Confrigo!”
The fire erupted from her wand, grazing the side of Crooked’s arm. He yelped in pain just as the dark one ran towards Lily, sending a curse that she blocked with a slice through the air. Every second the darkening sky grew darker as a skull formed within its clouds.
“Oh- Fuck that!” Crooked growled, stabbing his wand in her direction. “Avad-”
An arrow whistled through the air, blocked immediately by the dark Death Eater before it could hit his comrade. But the two of them now turned their attention to the cantering centaurs that rushed towards them with screams of battle. Lily glanced up at the sky.
“Lily! Are you alright?” Matarys asked, rushing to her side as the fight commenced. Dozens of arrows being fired towards the two Death Eaters who frantically kept up with their shield charms.
“They called on reinforcements,” she said quickly, looking from the sky down towards the centaur male. “You need to warn the rest of the herd. There’ll be more coming right now.” Lily pointed to the skull in the sky, making her point. He galloped away as Lily glanced back to the fight. It was her fault. The displacement of air as dark smoke erupted in places on the ground - She pointed her wand towards one of the Death Eaters who’d appeared within it. “Expelliarmus!”
“It’s her!” He yelled, his wand now scattered on the ground somewhere behind him.
A bolt of energy shot in Lily’s direction; she ducked. Everte Statum. The rowan wand pointed towards a female Death Eater sent her flying back towards the tree. She collided against the bark and crumbled unconscious onto the grass. Lily spared no time rushing towards another of the Death Eaters, her breath and the pounding of blood in her eardrums were the only sounds that she could focus on despite the screaming. She had to be calm and collected. The whistling of more displaced air made Lily waved her wand, deflecting another incoming spell it to the side. As she ran towards her target, Lily slid down to the ground to avoid a second one. Everte Statum, she thought again with wand pointed up at him. He flew up into the air as she jumped. Lily bared her teeth in rage as she stabbed her hand in his direction again before he could gather land. Reducto. He was sent flying far into the trees and Lily heard a loud crash somewhere in the forest when she spun around again. Before the fifth Death Eater could attack, one of the centaur guards had sent an arrow through his head. Lily turned around to see what was happening to the rest of the herd. Three were on the ground, the rest were clubbing and impaling every Death Eater that they could find.
“Expelliarmus,” Lily breathed out frantically, pointing her wand towards one of the Death Eaters in the far back. Before he could attack, the wand flew out of his hand and an arrow grew out through his heart. It felt like forever, but it was merely 5 minutes before the bodies of 6 Death Eaters littered the ground. There were 3 fallen centaurs, a few more injured. The spells far faster and deadlier had taken their toll on the herd despite their better numbers.
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LATER
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“You should be okay now,” Lily said, forcing a small smile as she capped the essence of dittany. The centaur let out a gruff sniff of thanks and nodded, getting up from the ground. He limped away with the bandage over his calf and Lily waited silently for the next patient. Already she had treated several curses and minor injuries - it had been the only thing to keep her mind from spiraling down a dark hole. And she’d already made her decision, there was nothing more to do.
“... She would say that it wasn’t your fault, you know,” interrupted a soft elder centaur’s voice. It was behind her.
Stony-faced, Lily looked down and started tossing bloody bandages to a corner.
“Shara knew she was too young and inexperienced to fight wizards. It was her decision to make.”
Shara was dead. She was dead and gone because of Lily and nothing would convince her otherwise. She had become the very thing she feared most - the reason for the death of someone she cared for. Lily didn’t say anything and the centaur put a hand on her shoulder. By reflex, Lily flinched and tensed her muscles but the other didn’t move so she was forced to allow it and let out a shaky sigh. “I’m leaving tonight,” she announced quietly.
The elder moved to lay in front of her, those golden eyes staring so deeply into Lily that she couldn’t bring herself to meet them. “You cannot stay for the burials?”
Their practices and beliefs were something that she had learned within the month of their company. However, she did not belief herself worthy of attending a mass burial. Lily took a deep breath and reached beside her for an arrow. It’s shaft was wrapped with flowers, each one symbolizing something that Lily had come to learn from her kind hosts. “Would you please put this in- in Shara’s resting place?” Honoria gently took the arrow and inclined her head.
Lily got up from the ground with the centaur.
“It’s time,” Lily murmured. “I need to move on. I need to go.”
Honoria nodded with understanding. “... I will make the preparations then.”
Lily didn’t respond. “You’re nothing. You’re weak. You ruin everything you touch,” the voice repeated in her head. It wouldn’t stop repeating.
