Warning for topics such as grooming, rape, zoophilia and pedophilia.
Looking back on the clockwork orange fandom phase of my life, I notice that a lot of things were fucked up. I was groomed by multiple adults in that fandom and they fed into my previous grooming experiences. Though some of these people were not truly adults and 17 about to turn 18, I was heavily influenced by them. I have gotten closure from one person who used to be in the fandom as I was going to do something drastic to my own life the other day, she apologized.
I don't accept her apology but it makes me realize, a lot of these people didn't know they were genuinely hurting these kids. She never once mentioned the word grooming and I feel like it's because these people desensitize themselves by reading the book instead of truly understanding it like I did at the time.
The book as we know involves rape, involves pedophilia and lots of fucked up shit. These people take Alex Delarge a fictional child by the way, and take it as these actions are ok to reflect in media I make and my life. These people often drew shotacon, lolicon, rape, and a lot of these people later went on to like things like Andrew and Leyley, and not in the way it's supposed to be interpreted.
I don't want to excuse the actions people did to me and others including my boyfriend as I was called slurs, I was sent sexually explicit imagery and I was even groomed to think zoophilia was ok as I was clockwork anon in my peak mental illness. I was self harming often because of these people and how they would promote self harm to me, and how these people would encourage me instead of helping me. And it drove me to the point I almost killed myself. These people can not seperate fiction from reality, and do not have the media literacy skills to. They think of the droogs as these non serious characters and the book as a story to reflect onto their disgusting art, their disgusting personalities and their disgusting fanfiction even.
It got to the point one of the people in the fandom, who likes morel orel, I will not name anyone had called me snickers, close of a slur. She would convince me that I am like the orel to her clay, which are father and son. She also drew explicit media of Orel and sent me NSFW of him, and loved the idea of Clay taking advantage of Orel. She egged on me constantly and she says in her words I made her paranoid. I can understand how I could have possibly made her paranoid because I had these people in my life backing me telling me it's ok to be parasocial or it's ok to talk to adults like this, as they were those adults. But I feel as none of that excuses her behavior, and she does not either.
I am constantly scared of these adults, and I am constantly scared of myself even. I am scared I am going to hurt myself, hurt others and I am scared people are going to hurt me and now I drive most people away. I am scared to actually become an adult. I am almost completely asexual and I break down at the thought of sexual actions and even have physical repulsion to touch. I am scared of even petting my cat, my baby. Most importantly I am traumatized, I had PTSD before this but my old therapist suggested I have CPTSD. Two majorly different disorders.
My life has been almost utterly ruined by this fandom and I don't want to say I had it any worse than any other of the children in the space, but I do want to say that I probably got the brute end because I was very easy to manipulate. Please, if you are still a child in this fandom I beg of you not to interact with adults, and I advise you to just like it from afar. It is indeed a progressive book and movie, I still very much love it but like me in the past these people misinterpret the story.
Luckily for me, I am fortunate enough to have a good support group. I have matured as well, realizing at the time that I am going to be 18 in just a few years that I needed to distance myself from this stuff. I am no longer in contact with these people and I am very far from who I was. I have almost guaranteed success in life as I was accepted into a specialized school which will set me up for adulthood. With that I want to declare that I don't really want to be associated with the fandom anymore, please do not send me asks about the fandom and do not ask me about the fandom.
If you are one of the people who hurt me, I hope you realize your actions. If you are one of the people that I hurt, I am open to DMS and I sincerely apologize about everything I did, as I was hurt too.
With this dump, I want to say that I'm barely going to be active on Tumblr at all and very minimally engaged with the fandom.
sincerely sorry for any mistakes in my writing, this was a post to get stuff off of my chest.
also I'd like to add that some of these people emasculated me and I've had a hard time with my gender identity ever since then.
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